18+ living with you?
Question for all those SM out their with SK that are 18+. Do your SK still live with you? Did they go to college, but move home after all the COVID stuff? Were they planning on staying there anyway?
I think my biggest fear is that SD10 will turn 18 and have zero desire to go anywhere or do anything. She isn't interested in going to college. She has mentioned wanting to be an artist. Currently, a tattoo artist. Nothing wrong with that, I would hope she would also get a degree of some sort with it (assosciate's design degree or something). I can hear the comments now, "she's only 10..." I know, I know. But I wanted to hear stories of how things unfolded with the older SKs staying home. Those who have experienced for themselves. Did your DHs ever push SK, or no?
SD10 definitely prefers BMs house if she were to have a choice. No bedtime, free reign on the iPhone, etc. Idk if SD would even want to keep living with us, but wanted to know how it played out with you. Did your SK want to live with you instead of BM? Do they still go over to BM?
My SS stopped coming over at
My SS stopped coming over at 15 and didn't speak to DH for 3 years. BM was an alienator and also had a house with zero rules.
He's back in our lives now. He's 20, he lives with BM and he is not working or going to school, just gaming all the time. My DH would have never put up with that in our home. So if your DH actually parents his daughter, she will likely just choose to be at BM's.
Did SS just refuse to come
Did SS just refuse to come over when it was DH week/weekend? Yeah... I can definitely see SD in the future asking to stay over there. Heck she does it now! She asks how many more days, when do I get to go, can I go tomorrow, etc.
how did your DH deal with it at the time? I'm sure it was crushing.
Yes, he refused and barely
Yes, he refused and barely spoke to DH for over 3 years. It was a hard time, but DH wasn't willing to stop being a parent to him. We opted against court because we had already spent close to 50K in court with totally unfair rulings, so we figured it was time to let go.
Post-18
Im an older BM & SM of 5. My kids are in their 50's. Im trying to think of a kind way to tell you that *hit happens and becoming 18 is no guarantee that they are gone. #1: SD now 58, went to cosmetology school following HS graduation. Married at 21. Moved back at 25 with infant. Married again. Moved back at 54 following 2nd divorce and drug use. Now living elsewhere subsidized by Daaaad. #2: SS now 56, moved out at 18. Moved back at 35 during a depressive period. Moved out 3 years later, now married & successful. #3: BS now 55, married at 18 when GF got pregnant. They lived here 6 months before he entered the military. Moved back last year with wife following hurricane, here 4 months. #4: BD now 54, went to college, lived here 6 months following graduation while husband completed military service. Moved back at 35 with husband and 2 kids during a move. Was here 3 months. #5: SD, now 53, lived here for 4 years following HS, some college then working. Only one who hasn't moved back but took longest to launch & presently in iffy situation.
So, what can I tell you? Don't count on them being permanently gone at 18. Sorry to be such a downer, lol.
10 is a perfectly reasonable
10 is a perfectly reasonable age to encourage the road to independence. There's more to it than just living elsewhere, and there are skills to be learned. Time to learn how to do laundry, count change, plan a meal, track expenses, open a savings account. Doesn't have to be drudgery. Girl Scouts and Boy Scouts have badges for these kinds of things, and there is a sense of accomplishment.
Good DH/skid bonding time.
I think my kids were toddlers
I think my kids were toddlers when we first started talking about life expectations of them. Thankfully my exH and I have strong opinions of doing things on our own as we were both on our own at 18.
Our kids have always been told that they can go to college or a trade school and live at home if they are working as well. If they don't want to go to college they should go into the military. If they don't want to do that they have until the summer after the graduate to figure it out because they won't be living in either of our homes.
DH has the same ideals for SS15. SS20 is special needs and will always live with us but that is different and my kids understand the difference.
SD14
Shes already talking about going to college. And is excited about the "idea" of getting a job and driving. Which is a start.
Unfortunately shes inherited her mothers lazy gene, and hates any kind of athletic activity, or anything that starts with a "w" and ends in "ork". Especially chores which do not end up in a cash payment.
But Im holding out hope. I did mention that if she goes to college and works parttime she is welcome to live with us during that time. Also that if she is working full time, contributions are expected towards bills and mortgage. And we have talked about bank accounts and building credit.
I want her to be strong and independent and lead a happy life. She knows this and I fight for this.
I don't think either SS would
I don't think either SS would choose to live with us after 18, because BM has no rules, but if they did, the expectation would be clear that they would need to be actively engaged in school / training or working full-time and that they would be expected to pay rent. I lived at my parents house a bit after college, because I had a rather low-paying job and lived in an expensive area, but I paid rent to them, which they put in a savings account and gave back to me when I moved out. The expectation was clear that in order to live there, I needed to be working full-time and I needed to contribute.
I think my biggest fear is
I think my biggest fear is that SD10 will turn 18 and have zero desire to go anywhere or do anything
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Have you and DH talked about it? Before DH and I moved in together, we discussed this and this is what we came up with.
Kids could live with us after HS graduation IF they went to school full time and had a part time job. OR worked full time and went to school part time. They could live with us up to 4 years after HS if they met those requirements. (and a few more that have nothing to do with school);
They were aware of this rule from about 12 years old so it was no surprise after they graduated. Thankfully SS went into the military.
Talk to your DH now about this. And then let all kids know about the rule asap,
My SS was with us for 8mos
My SS was with us for 8mos after his 18th B-day. He had graduated from HS He had a choice. Get into and attend any college/university anywhere in the world he wanted to go... or get a full time job. That was the condition of him living in our home. It took most of his Sr year of HS for him to open up with us that he knew college was important and that he would get his degree but... he was not ready to put in the focus and effort needed to be successful. He finally directly said that it would be a waste of his time and our money. He also was not interested in a job. So... we worked his ass off in order to remain in our home. After several months he came to the realization that if he was being worked hard he might as well get more out of it than jus ta roof over his head and meals. So... he enlisted in the USAF.
5 weeks ago was his 9 year service anniversary in the USAF. He has completed his ASCS and should make E6 on the next promotion cycle. His mom and I are very proud of him.
If he was 18 and home due to Covid, he would just be our kid. Welcome in our home, loved.... and ... he would be cleaning.