This happened to me early on in my marriage to DH. SD asked me if I wanted to go shopping with her. I was overjoyed, assuming this meant we could be friends. When I picked her up, she had a friend with her. They sat in the back seat of the car while I 'chauffuerred' them. When we arrived at the shopping center, SD turned to me, non-chalantly said, "We're going to go off by ourselves. We'll meet you back here at this spot later." Like Sueu mentioned, I was too shocked and hurt to say anything. Along with the hurt, I felt used and utterly stupid. Later on, I ran into her friend who told me she was surprised I was such a nice lady, SD had said some awful things about me. At that time I was also going through some other issues with work and my marriage so my self-esteem was low. This meant that instead of confronting either SD for her rudeness, or DH for his failure to teach her basic manners, I let it go. Big mistake. SD's rudeness and purposeful viciousness worsened with each year that went by, as well as DH's fear of dealing with it, and with every passing year my resentment escalated. After 20 years I finally get up the nerve to tell her that her behavior was rude. She went totally ballistic while DH ran out the door. At that point I could have cared less if the marriage survived or if I ever saw this cruel woman again. I knew for my own sanity I had to stand up for myself. To this day, SD has never been told by DH that she is to respect me as his wife. As a result she has been banned from our home for the last 3 1/2 years. Don't let your situation get to this pitch.

You have the opportunity to resolve this now with the help of DH. If SD's behavior is allowed to continue it will get worse - believe me. You had a good relationship with SD until recently. It is possible that once SD is informed that you will not accept anything short of mutual respect she will see the light. Please do not let this go on.

Such an important post Sandye, thanks for sharing.

Part of her heart is in the right place. I would ensure that you go down there and get some alone time with her to talk face to face about this. She is very young. I would not burn bridges if there has been some intimacy between you thus far. You don't want her enmity if you can avoid it with dignity. You can rein in your future generosity etc toward her all the same as your trust has been so shaken, but I'd go along and ask her straight out about why she excluded you given that clearly the pair of you get on. Or, you could assess the atmosphere between you and if she is generally seeming truly positive and placatory,you could simply decide to drop the issue between you and chalk it down to a bad moment that she had on one day.

In these circumstances it's a real blessing that neither of you wrote anything to her. Confrontations by letter/email are hardly every productive in family or step situations. The less written down the better, often. But you could show this letter to your DH and say that it's clear that she's implicitly apologizing to you and therefore she too knows that she acted inappropriately. This will allow him to make the admission more openly himself. You can then follow up with her without him being there to interfere in what the two of yo say to each other.