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SD25 and DH metastatic cancer

canadadry's picture

thanks in advance for any advice. My SD25 historically has had all the usual textbook issues with me despite my best efforts.
after DH was diagnosed, she has been very nice and our relationship seemed healed. (Yes I am that gullible!)

just recently she has been very cold disrespectful and never visits her dad or calls him. I have always updated her personally with any health info
so she would hear it from us directly. i dont know what set her off, tho i suspect it could be something very simple as it doesnt take much and everyones emotions
are running high given the dire situation we are in.

DH has never really stuck up for me to her so her bad behavior continues now into young adulthood. I lost my mom to cancer at her same age so i do know
a little of what it is like to go thru, and when my mom was sick you could not keep me away from her, i was with her every moment possible that i wasnt working or
traveling to see her. SD has time and opportunity and never visits DH tho she claims she adores him, makes him special gifts etc.

She also has this uber annoying pattern of making her boyfriend's family (whatever boyfriend it is, currently she has been with one for 3 years), her "primary" family.
she goes to all their family traditions and events, and visits his siblings on weekends etc. its ludicrous. I have had to listen to her say crap like "Christmas is very important
to The Jones"... WTF!? As if its NOT important to us? She has an idealistic vision about everything how it should look, like im not martha stewart enough.

im on the disengage path, but with what is in front of me regarding my husbands illness, i just cannot escape dealing with her. HELP!

sandye21's picture

So sorry you are having to go through this. The sad truth is that you are in the middle. You wrote it is hard to deal with her thoughtlessness considering DH's illness. You also wrote about how your Mother's cancer affected you, and you sound like a very loving, thoughtful person. The problem is - your SD is not the empathetic person you are and she never will be. You don't say how old she was when her parents divorced but it must have left her powerless, caused her to think of herself rather than others and to be stuck at a certain level of maturity. It sounds like she does not have a realistic view of family. All this will have an effect on the way she fulfills your expectations of how a 'normal' daughter / family member should behave.

It is very hard to ignore her cold behavior toward your DH but you are wasting your time trying to figure it out. She might be making this out to be about her again. Disengaing from her at this time just MIGHT be the answer. This would give you the opportunity to focus on your DH rather than her. You do not owe her anything but the updates. If she wants more information she can always find out for herself.
Good luck to you.

Towanda's picture

I too am very sorry you are dealing with this. Being a caring , loving person, you just can't fathom how someone can be so thoughtless. We hurt for our spouses.

Something apparently has cause her to never get over her self centered thoughts. Kind of arrested development. She never got past a certain point in growing up . Stuck on the ME level and got no further.

There are quite a few of us with Steps like this.

Take care of your DH. Consider her not worthy of your thoughts. You have too much on your plate to deal with her. If she calls , just have DH deal with her. If she doesn't call, it is her loss in the long run. Take it from someone who has lived this nightmare. They cannot and will not give a shit for anyone but themselves. Be prepared for big tears and drama if your DH gets worse. Ignore Ignore Ignore.

I wish only the best for you and DH and pray for strength for both of you to win this battle with the recurrence of cancer.!