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bruisedpeach's picture

Hi everyone

Found this site a few weeks ago.. its a blessing to say the least.

Current situation is this...I am canadian living in the uk..my BF (getting married next year) has just got his divorce papers through and we are in the process of moving house, which so happens to be back into his first house that him and ex bought. She isnt too pleased but hey ho, she got to keep the bigger house. They separated when SD was 5 months but it was a long time coming (she got preggo on purpose last time even tho she said she was on depo) He left her a few years before but she went insane and tried to kill herself so he moved back till she was 'stable'..she decided to get preggo instead.

skids...

10 SS
8 SS
2.5 SD

All of the skids are amazing bar the odd hiccup. He has major drama with her last year due to contact and money bs and she basically blocked his access for 10 months..he missed SD first words, walking etc etc and SS10 was like so messed up in the head because of this but he seems back to normal now.
Anyway she is pretty much your standard npd female.. a bit of histronic and bpd mixed in I am sure. All the contact has to date been on her terms, she told all of her friends he was a total deadbeat even tho he was paying WAY too much CS AND the mortgages AND all the household bills up till about a year ago. When we moved in together I put a stop to that as there was no way she was getting away with that and by law he only has to pay CS. Anway she is pretty typical..spent like shitloads of money when they were married, got into massive debts that her parents had to bail her out of..lived WAY beyond their means..2 houses on £25K a year??? wtf. BF was pretty much terrified of her the whole marriage (they got together when he was 18 and married when he was 20) He didnt really grow a spine until about 4 years ago. Shes the only child of an only child so has pretty much gotten everything off her granny and mom her whole life and its pretty clear how they f*cked her up..anytime something bad happens they just throw money at it and it sounds like her relationship with her parents was pretty loveless. she has a super white trash family but apparnetly was always embarrassed by them so made herslef out to me like martha stewart amazing housewife.
After he first left she was convinced he was gonna turn into a raging alkie and piss off for good...but he ended up getting a good job, sorted out his own house and then met me. We hit it off and ended up moving in together..i met the kids as a 'friend' at first and didnt even stay at the house for like 2 months until it was all ok with me and skids. Then i am introduced as gf and shit hit the fan..that was when she stopped access. Meanwhile shes farming the skids out every weekend to her mom, getting trashed, picking up the skids super hungover with blood alki units sky high, letting the skids stay in pjs all day during summer holidays, weedsmoking renters are living in the house and she finally moves one of her shagpieces in over xmas who is like 17 years younger than her and a deadbeat loser who she is now telling the kids to call dad. awesome. apparently a few of the school moms complained about her reeking of booze at 8am so she gets junkie bf to take them to school now. Her ex best friends all cut her off and now talk to my bf and they all get together with their kids. thats just like a small insight to how messed up this chick is. BF told me once she said she didnt even like SD10 and if they ever split up he could have him full time..wtf???

So at the minute we are dealing with SD10 wanting to come and live with us like 5050. BBut he is shit scared of BM and cant even ask her to see BF outside of the normal access time. BF has approached her but she always comes back with 'I asked him and he says no its fine"
ugh..she has totally manipulated the kids to be under her thumb and its super annoying. At the minute there is no formal residency in her favor so technically bf could just like not drive him back after a weekend but he knows her crazy ass family might beat him in a dark alley.

just thought id blog a bit of my story.. so far my relationship with the skids is going well. SD10 cuddles and tells me he loves me every weekend we have them and he is a super rocking geeky kid. SS8...bit more on the BM wavelength, he pushes my buttons sometimes he can be a mean little shit but then other times he is amazing.. SD2.5 is like the best toddler I have ever met. They are all carbon copies of BF even tho BM seems to think they are the spits of her, which luckily, they aren't.

Comments

bruisedpeach's picture

I actually have a really healthy relationship with my own SM, her and my pops have been together for almost 25 years and she never tried to meddle in or mother me and my sister or anything like that. In fact I had some really good heart2hearts with her over the years and she was kinda like a cool young aunt or something. She was WAY more lax than my dad as well so sometimes I felt better about going straight to her with issues I had anyway.
And even if my mom hated the crap out of her (which Ill never know as my mom died this year) she never let it on and my SM never spoke badly about her around me. I thnk I have a pretty solid set of parents and stepparents and managed to come out ok even tho my dad f*cked my mom over financially for life... Its hard my bf is a real 'coolguy' friend dad and i have a real firm stance on boundaries with kids.. if it makes sense I am more of a natural 'parent' than he is even tho I haven't had my own kids. sometimes I find myself coaching him into how to talk to them (i guess with divorce thats natural as I went thru it and he didn't) so I know what the kids wanna hear..but even with little things sometimes its me saying no and him being too buddy buddy. In a way I don't really agree with his OR BM's parenting style but i have to bite my lip on a lot of stuff.

like i think the 2.5 should be AT LEAST potty training by now. but how is that possible over 2/3 households (grannies on fridays for 'DATE NIGHT' :sick: ) that kid should at least be attempting the can by now.
I am also seriously anti video games that are too old for the SS but BM and BF are ok with them on COD and things like that. I dunno... BM is far more hypocritical than BF..she wont let the boys ride bikes outside but she lets them kill the sh*T out of other people in video games? Its odd the kids are like so sheltered. SS10 cant even use the freaking microwave. Its like BM wants to keep them really dependent on her or something so I am trying to encourage them to do chores and do reading at ours to encourage independent development. I guess she realises when they grow out of being babies her manipulation wont work so well on them anymore.

bruisedpeach's picture

oh and there is no way in hell I would ever converse or communicate with her unless one of the skids was in the ER or something.
The woman has never met me and has already formed a colourful opinion of me and my whole life up to this point based on the fact her kids like me, and I am engaged to her ex husband. that is ALL she knows about me.
I already dread the fact we have to attend graduations and weddings and them things are like at least 7 years away.

In the words of her former best friend, who now sees me regularly..she is pond life.

Milomom's picture

Welcome bruisedpeach (cute screen name btw).

It seems you'll be a perfect "fit" at this site, based on what you've shared thus far. You'll be in good company here, as there are MANY SM's here that go through exactly the same experiences you are.

I like the fact that you're also a stepdaughter yourself and that you had/have what seems to be a nice, normal, healthy relationship with your SM. I personally like to get some expert stepdaughter perspective on my issues with this stepparenting thing, since it's my first time ever being in a relationship with someone divorced/with kids. I myself have never been married, no biokids of my own and am dating an AMAZING guy for 6+ years, living together for 2+ years, who has been married & divorced and has 2 biokids with his exW/BM (SDstb16 & SS12) as well as he legally adopted BM's out-of-wedlock son (SS26) from when she got knocked up at 16 (high school dropout) with another guy before meeting my BF.

I think you will be able to bring great advice/perspective/wisdom to Steptalk. I hope you find it as helpful as I have - it has literally saved my relationship with BF (not to mention my sanity). I don't have any friends/family that have ever been involved in this crazy world we call stepparenting before. It's like its own universe, I swear!! Nothing can prepare you for it - like a roller coaster, lots of ups and downs (and sometimes even a few upside down loopy moments thrown in) and hopefully some fun & laughs along the way

bruisedpeach's picture

Thanks MM

Its really weird..I am only just 30 its odd to put a label on myself like 'stepmum'..even tho I have a great SM myself I just still find it hard to come to terms with the whole thing. Being in the UK is extra tough as well..non res dads get a super bum deal over here and BM only had to HINT that there was problems with his parenting for him to have to go thru the whole supervised visitation shit and all.
Anyway things have settled. I really do feel a genuine bond with SS10 and SD3 its SS8 thats gonna be the toughie I think. he is is mothers son if you get me. He IS capable of being awesome..but then i guess BM is too as she still manages to surround herself with people..its whats sick underneath that worries me. I have done TONS of research on NPD and she is like TEXTBOOK...chameleon, total personality overhauls when someone 'new' comes on the scene etc; and seriously she is like a professional manipulator. Pretty much never moved past the age of 14 mentally..I just hope that SS8 isn't too messed up in the head but apparently NPD can be passed on pretty easy. SS10 just isn't capable of it. He is so full of empathy its unreal..with SD3 I hope she will be ok, young enough to influence healthily I hope.
Don't get me wrong, I never want to replace her and quite frankly, I didnt make them so I want there to be some arms length parenting on my part..I just wish BM was mentally capable of parenting these kids too.
I am glad that to date she hasn't trashed me in front of the kids and its been all via text to BF. It was fun showing them to social services.
Yes thats me, I am the ditch diving slug juice daughter of a wh*re. Dirol