SD22 is too clingy and has no friends..
SD22 is still in school and overall she is doing well, she works part time and does her part around the home. However, she has NO friends and does not date. When we try to "encourage" her to go meet people at school or go out with groups from work she just makes excuses and just sits around the house. She often tells us that she "doesn't WANT to hang out with people her own age, she wants to hang out with US".
Sometimes we feel like she has us hostage with guilt. If we try to go do things without her, she either gets mad and acts like it is unreasonable to "leave her out" and throws temper tantrums and makes snyde comments. Or she throws massive guilt fits and gets all depressed and says things like "I just want to spend time with you guys like a FAMILY, I don't understand why that is so wrong...." and then mopes. So we are left basically hiding our plans from her, which, when she discovers that we are going to do things without her, then she gets even more mad.
She changed her work schedule around and cam home all happy and announced that "now I will have weekends off so I can go do things with YOU guys!", we stifled our groans, the weekends used to be our only break.
Some of this behavior would be understandable and warrant us making an effort to make her feel "included, if she was like, FIFTEEN, but at 22, we think it's a little strange.
We know this is dysfunctionally co dependent and unhealthy but we really don't know what to do about it. We know she does have some emotional issues and there was some abuse in her past so she is stunted in some regards, but all her life she has flat out REFUSED to participate in ANY form of counseling whatsoever so at this point we don't feel that it is OUR problem to sort out, now that she is an adult, she needs to seek counseling and friends on her own.
I am just looking for ideas on how to get the point across to her that WE ARE NOT HER FRIENDS and that she needs to get her own GD life and social circle. I know it sounds harsh but we can never really relax and feel like adults when we have this immature adult tagging along with us. Even at this stage mom feels like she needs to set an example so she won't drink or really relax and have fun with SD22 around, and she is ALWAYS around.
Any books we could read, or give her?
This is going to sound super
This is going to sound super shallow but young adults are very looks-oriented. Perhaps a spa day with her mother that just happens to turn into a makeover will giver her some confidence and also attract some people her own age to her. She obviously is not going to ask a guy (or girl) out and apparently no one is asking her so a little help is clearly needed.
Letting her hang with you is not doing her any favors. The sad lonely spinster does not have a happy life and that is where she is headed. Therapy sounds like a good idea whether she likes it or not and perhaps a low-dose antidepressant for any social anxiety that she has. Is it is also possible that she is gay but is not comfortable with it?
Actually, and sadly, she is a
Actually, and sadly, she is a beautiful girl. She just carries herself in a very unapproachable way. I have seen guys hit on her and she either totally ignores them, or blows them off and they don't try again. When platonic GFs try to strike up something with her she just blows them off too. This is why I have little sympathy for her because she ACTIVELY stops any progress she might make. We have explained to her before that ANYONE is only going to try getting you to go hang out and have fun so many times before they just give up trying when you either don't return their calls, or tell them you are "too busy" and then end up sitting on the couch watching TV with you mom and SDad. She just goes back to "I don't care, I don't WANT to hang out with them, I like being here".
I just fear for what will happen when she graduates and we tell her we are moving and there is not a room for her in the new place. She REALLY is not socially equipped to live like an adult on her own, she is just such a loaner, and it's by CHOICE.
Even if she won't go to
Even if she won't go to counseling, you and dw can to get ideas of how to dealing her.
Make plans with her, and then make plans that are just for you and dw. She will bitch and moan, but you have to ignore it. When its couples time, that's it.
Maybe if you and dw start volunteering somewhere she will tag along too, and you guys can help her meet people? And then slowly slip away?
Hi, if she has always refused
Hi, if she has always refused counselling but wants to be with you guys so much, how about her mum take the lead and go and seek counselling together, just the two of them? It sounds like there is something that really could and should be worked on here but it may be worth going with the dependency therapeutically in order to find a way out... could combine it with periods of separation which are themselves done as a sort of therapeutic exercise? Would have to be very specialised though. Could she maybe be a bit autistic? The repetition and social isolation sound a bit like it.
Well, while I agree that she
Well, while I agree that she needs some counseling, since she refused it all her life, and she is now 22 and not covered by any health insurance. The boat has sailed on having anyone but HER pay for her own counseling. When a 1 hour session is like $80, and she is already not paying for anything but her cel phone and gas/car, we are not footing the bill for her counseling NOW.
She isn't autistic or anything, there was some abuse in her distant past but since any and all help and support was refused for almost 2 DECADES, I don't see it as OUR problem that she has issues to sort out.
The bigger issue is that because she has no friends, any time she is depressed, or in a bad mood, her mom is the only person that she can lean on for support, or lash out at when she is mad, which to me is very unfair for mom.