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xmas and skids and money

magiclassie's picture

I have been thinking and just wanted to know what other families do out there on this fantastic time of year..

do you spend the same amount on all the kids.. bio, skids etc

does it vary due to how much you have them eg if they are only in your care once a month... or fulltime...

stepsonhatesme's picture

We give the 3 older ones a certain amount and then give the 2 younger ones a different amount. The younger ones are still under the age of 18 the 3 older ones are above 18. We (my Dh and I) have come to an agreement, that the kids will get a certain amount until they turn 18 then the amount they gets will go down a bit.
(for example if they always got $100 for Christmas then when they turn 18 they will only get $50-75)

twopines's picture

I spend a lot more on DD16 than DH spends on SD26 and SS28 put together.

When all the kids were under 18, I still spent a lot more on DD than DH spent on skids.

sonja's picture

Its our first year with BS11mo. We've been living together for the last 2 xmases, and the first we both bought presents separately for SD4 (2 at the time), its was insanely overboard probably 300-$400! Then last xmas, I said we make a budget, buy gifts together, I think we spent under $150.

This year, I told him I think that SD needs to get her santa gifts at BMs house, and then we do 'presents from us' at our house. That way BS will never have to wait for her to come, and we dont ever pretend this day is xmas etc.. BS will get his santa gifts at our house when SD is getting hers at BM.

She wont know what he got/how much etc, just as he wont have to watch her open presents etc.. I will always spend more on my BS from now on than I would/will for SD. Stuff for SD just sits here and she is never here to use it/play with it.

I went crazy the first year because it was new/fun and she had no toys/furniture at our place. The second year we got a few things she wanted but overall it was silly to even spend that kind of money, the toys havent been played with at all.

SD gets presents from a wide range of people, friends of BM, BM's parents, friends of parents, her BF, her BFs family and friends.. it goes on and on. BS wont ever get a stack of presents like SD does, and I dont want to raise him thinking that this holiday is all about presents to begin with.

purpledaisies's picture

I spend more on mine then we do on his. It is teal simple they have 2that xmases and mine don't. While they r at their moms getting presents from her mine get presents from their mom. Santa gives to them depending on what house they r at for Xmas day.

Kes's picture

I definitely do not spend the same amount of money on my SDs as on my own daughters. They are with us EOW, and spend the rest of the time with their BM, who lavishes my DH's hard earned maintenance money on their entitled little heads. DH and I keep separate money, and he spends on them about the same as I do on my grown up daughters. I buy the SDs a small gift and he gets the main one.

B22S22's picture

I do the same as PurpleDaisies -- I spend more on my biokids. This is their ONLY Christmas, my SK's have one here and one with their BM. My DH has NEVER had his kids on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day (in the 14 years since divorce) so I'll NEVER have to worry about the SK's seeing how much my kids get.

If it were totally up to me? SK's gifts would be in direct proportion to how respectful they are to me... (um, they'd owe me)

Kes's picture

My DH spends about £100 each on presents for his daughters, as I do on mine. We both spend less on each others kids (mine are adults and his are teenagers) and are both quite happy with this.
Admittedly the situation is slightly different, as they are not children any more - but I don't feel some discrepancy in spending by couples on their own bio kids is out of order - they end up getting the same spent on them in the end - I do my daughters large presents, and he does his.

aggravated1's picture

EXACTLY. Especially when BM's don't work, the ex husband is paying for gifts TWICE. Once at BM's, and then at his house. Twice the expenses going out of the second household, how does that make sense?

We get the SK's nothing at our house. De nada. They are assholes and they don't get anything.

aggravated1's picture

When you spend more on some and less on others, you divide your family...you then cannot complain that your family is not a 'whole' unit, not a 'real' family or that it IS divided, because you're the one that has drawn that line.

This rationale makes no sense to me. I don't agree that material things define a family at all. That is quite sad.

Jsmom's picture

DH does Hannukah and buys for both kids equally. I buy Christmas for both kids but give my BS more. We have full custody of SS now, but his BM will buy him many gifts as well. My son has me and his grandparents, his father is deceased, so it is fair. But, it is not much more. Around another $100 more. This year it is in cash since he is 16 and only wants money to contribute to his gas.

I truly think it depends on the custody situation and who else gives gifts to them. Also, whether or not they will be there at the same time.

shielded2009's picture

I am a step kid, and Christmases were unbalanced growing up, but I understood why EARLY...We had a huge Christmas at my moms, and went to my Dads at some point and got a few presents...*shrugs* It was what it was...My step sister and 2 1/2 siblings got what I got when I was at my mom's house...Also...I noticed that my siblings and step sister had gifts from folks that I barely knew under the tree from their mom's side of the family...

I might also add that before we went over our Dad's house, my mom would tell us, "and don't go over there counting gifts!!!" And she meant business...

So...With SD it'll be the same way...She is fortunate or unfortunate (however one wants to view it) to have 2 Christmases...DS only has one...We set a budget for both of them and get gifts accordingly...Right now, their budgets are the same (though we didn't use DS's as he got a lot of gifts from his birthday that we're saving for Christmas), as he gets older his budget will increase...

We're not buying a bunch of stuff for SD when she's barely here...We did that the first year we were married, and it was a waste...DH is more interested in her understanding and accepting the dynamic (like we did)...

Dannee's picture

I Usaually spend more I my daughter...

She lives here....she needs more!

My skids are here 3 weekends per month.

Meanie Stepmom....na...realistic

All the kids don't realize it yet when they start to
I will figure it all out.

inky2034's picture

I have a SD that's 24 and SS that's 30. My husband the bio dad to the SD and he adopted the SS at 4....The SS has nothing to do with him and doesn't speak. I am guessing a sign of support to the bio mom. The SD does come to our town 1 -2 times a year. basically around the holiday's as she finds time to pick up her Ipod ( gfit this year) and over 1000 dollars worth of clothes. She is overly attached to her Bio mom as I think she feels sorry for her mom and it appears the SS and SD have sided with their Bio mom. I get it. I really do but if I send emails. leave a message or text I get nothing back from the SD. I don't even try to communicate to the SS. I know on some rational level they are siding with their mom as protection and of course she buys them anything they want. Even supporting the son as he is unemployed....I say nothing negative about either of the two kids. I stay out of it. yet it really hurts my feelings that the SD doesn't want to connect with me. Sometimes she is rude to me but lately not. She is coming for the holiday for 4 days...I always try and say "let's go get our nails done" to spent some time together.. amke her favorite foods etc......Need advice on why is it that uncomfortable for her to have any relationship with me? PS Been married almost 5 years and it's getting worst...not better.....thought they would get use to the idea and warm up to me....now the SS has nothing do to with his dad and he's married as well.... I have no kids and never was married till 46 for the first time...was I really that stupid to think it would calm down? HELP

frustrated-mom's picture

We spend the same amount for the three boys (SS7, SS9 and DS13). We try to keep it to one large gift ($100) and a few smaller ones. If the boys want something more expensive (like a Wii) we get their grandparents to help chip in since both DH and I were hit hard by the recession and money has been tight.

For SD15, her dad typically just sent her a gift card for $200 for Christmas. This year, she should be getting coal and switches in her stocking. She told her dad she didn't want anything and to f**k off. I'm not sure what my DH will do. He doesn't not want to send her anything and he doesn't want to waste money we need if he sends her a gift card she throws away.

stired_crazy's picture

We would spend more on the ones that lived with us because they were here verses the ones that didn't because BM had Christmas for them too.