Need advice please - issue with SD14
I need advice on a situation that has presented it's self in my family and it is not going away.
SD 14 wants her own room (her BM started the idea)as we apparantly have a "huge" house.
and her dad my fiance feels really strongly about it and is not willing to comprimise.
we have been a family unit for 3 years.
SD 14 is a great child don't get me wrong - very quiet and can be a little manipulative but overall I can't complain. Her BM and SD14 though still tend to control my fiance. I have managed to stamp out a few bad habits... though they still control him.. but he can't see it..
The issue is SD14 originally shared a bed in the room with my BD (birth daughter) 6 - she was 10 at the time.. This wasn't good enough... and she didn't want to share... and made a big deal about it... she wouldn't even sleep on the spare bed in BD 6 room when we got home late one night and BD 6 wasn't even there - she cired and my fiance had to make up the sofa bed.....
Her BM started the idea as we have a 4 bedroom place and SD14 should have her own room....as the rooms are not so free as BM thinks as one is filled with a room as a very busy office and last bedroom has a bed but mostly storage for items that really need to be sold, a lot of items.... being a fulltime working parent 6 days a week.. time is a little stretched to have sorted it all out. (plus as most of items are baby items and one of our long term goal is to have a baby - what is the point in selling them)
My parents have come to stay more recently so I have cleared the bed in the spare room for them. Which has represented the issue that SD14 should have this room.
Planning to marry my fiance and have children with my fiance - I have put accross the point that if we clear out the spare room move BD 6 to the room as her room would be better for any more children. If we give that room (previously BD 6's) to SD14 when we decide to have a child SD14 will not only have to accept a new sibling but "her room" being taken from her. Do you really want to take a room away from a 15 year old girl?? I don't
so for SD14 I have bought a sofa bed in the games room which we make up for when she comes to stay... It is her own bed in a room to herself... I have also cleared space in a storage unit in the room for her things.. SD14 rarely visits - it is for 2 nights every 3 weeks.. then she often stays one of those nights at my fiance's mothers place - so it really narrows it down to 1 night.
My fiance's issue is SD14 wants privacy and space to herself.. I clearly stated that if SD14 wanted privacy - and space from BD 6 she would not shower while BD 6 is in the bath after I told her to wait until BD 6 is out of the bath...
SD 14 has space from SD 6 as she is more than able to lock herself in the games room with out BD 6.
BD 6 isn't even at home sometimes with SD14 visits.
My issues is SD14 visits every 3-5 weeks.... for only 2 nights.. (1 night if she stays 1 at grans) her choice and my fiances bad organisation.. That doesn't warrant to have a room on standby for a child that is rarely at home.. she stays with us and doesn't live with us.
What is the point of having SD14 visit if she just wants to lock herself away in a room... and you give her that option by giving her - her own room.
behind closed doors I wouldn't trust SD14 with BD 6 also - as nice as she can be to ones face, she can be even more heartless behind a closed door - from a previous issue dealt with.
I organise activities with both girls and we have fun together - I really aim to make her feel part of the family - things only happen though if I organise them. As it is she only sleeps and plays a little with BD6 in the games room - apart from that we are always doing things together.
The only solution I have is as the games room is big enough I can put in a bunk bed style desk combo unit thing for her.. in the corner so it is always there for her... her bed and somewhere for her things... The point is she already has this though as well. a bed in a room by herself.
perhaps I can go back to organising visits and activities as I have left that in his hands and it has gone from every second weekend for 2 nights to every 3-5 weeks. and no activities when she visits.
He is quiet a disney dad to SD14 and gives her everything she wants. In my terms "a yes dad" never says no and I mean never.... and the more I read more stories of what other families are going through the more I have picked up on and noticed all the other little things... eg not listerning to me when I said to shower after BD 6 was out the bath.. asked BD 6 to eat at the table with knife and fork, SD14 then ate with hands like an animal. ( seriously knawed at the meat just like an animal)
My parents have come to stay more often and have stayed in our spare room - they have stayed more with us in the past 6 months than SD14. They are an older couple and I believe deserve a decent bed.
If we give the room to SD14 I want to know when it will stop... I just know the events that will follow....
she will want her own TV, stero.. the list will go on... and on.. she has a room at her BM place and the whole weeks to herself (she is an only child)
SD14 will cry and make a big deal about it when my parents come to stay on the same weekend and my older parents will have to sleep on the sofa bed...
She won't want to contribute in the family as she will just lock herself away in the room..
doesn't help as BM is stating that SD14 won't come to visit anymore. My fiance is frightened of that - and they always threaten him with this as this is the only thing they have left to control him with.
I know that it is not the issue - SD14 having her own room - she just wants more attention.... I believe that he has finally got this point... but from the past 4 days of fighting over SD14 having her own room he is not willing to budge. I have had enough and are now starting to question the whole relationship.
or am I just being a selfish?
any advice would be greatly appreciated - Thank you