I have two stepsons, 15 and 20. I've been married 1.5 years and this is my second holiday season with them. Both kids have major narcissistic issues (mom is a personality disorder, sociopath/NPD). They were raised by their mom in the "cool mom is your friend/no consequences" school of crap parenting. My husband is a good guy, classic codependent enabler, who is working on it. He spent his childrearing years being undermined by his ex on discipline and cast as Bad Guy. Biomom won the popularity contest. The kids are spoiled brats as a result.

My husband loves his kids, but he has one hell of a time setting boundaries with them.

He's a good dad and a good provider and they have never wanted for anything.

That's part of their problem. They've never had jobs, household chores, and the oldest doesn't even drive. The entire concept of an adult asking you to do something and you do it because they are the adult is utterly foreign to them.

So... gifts.

When I was dating my H, he would complain about college son, saying he took him to buy clothes, or put $100 in his pocket and the kid would not say thank you. They've had many heartfelt conversations about it (heartfelt on my H's side). No change in attitude. Last xmas he opened his gifts with withering disdain. Pocketed the cash. Never said thank you (or goodbye to me as he left our house). He also used to get monthly checks from his dad last year and never acknowledged or said thank you. That stopped this year, thank god. Then we gave him $ for spring break. Again, no thank you. No acknowledgement. Husband took him on a one on one vacation this summer. I think there was a thank you, I didn't hear it. Now he's do a semester overseas and my husband wants to give him $1,000. I agreed, but I can't help but seethe a bit inside that our money isn't going to buy us any gratitude from him.

He's also supercilious and arrogant. I've tried to engage him in conversation and he will literally ignore me. Or say one word like "nice." The most meaningful exchange we had was when I found his lost wallet. He actually said thanks. But I can't get over the other behavior!

The youngest is troubled. Issues with drugs and got busted (and bailed out by my husband). He's supposedly better now, but lots of boundary testing. We've taken this kid on vacations, the latest was this summer to my parent's summer home where he was jetted around in a private plane and taken out every night -- and never ONE WORD OF THANKS to my parents. Instead he had a total toddler melt down on the last day. (A waitress brought him the wrong hamburger.)

The issue was brought up in therapy. What we learned from him in $125/hr therapy? We suck. We're "boring." We are the House of Boring and it is a "punishment" to have to stay with us.

That very evening he was going out to an expensive concert with us.

So. Xmas. I hate having to give them things. I know my husband loves his kids. I know teenagers can be awful sometimes, really awful and immature. But these kids are consistently awful. And I don't have warm fuzzy memories of them as little cute people. Just narcissistic teens. I DREAD spending time with them for the holidays. DREAD it.

How do you guys deal??? Older, wiser step parents, please advise.