teen mom?
This is my first post here. We have 5 kids and 4 exes between us, so I am sure you will hear a lot form me!!
Our oldest child is SD15, to make a long story short. We use to have 50/50 week on week off parenting time with her until last year when her mother decided that it would be an OK move to let SD have her BF spend the night on a regular basis, DH asked her to stop allowing it but BM still let it happen, I took SD to the Dr. and had her put on Birth control and both Dh and I had the sex talk with her and DH gave her condoms, but SD could not remember the birth control at her moms so she kept missing pills which would mess with her cycle and so the Dr. took her off of them and told her that she should consider getting the shot to prevent pregnancy. She swore to us that she was not having sex, that BF slept on the couch and that the only reason he stayed over was because BM and hiss mom were friends. We actually believed her (although we did not agree it was appropriate). Fast forward 6 months and SD comes home after a week with BM and I notice a baby bump. I didn’t want to say anything just in case she was just gaining some weight, but I finally just asked her if she was pregnant. She said no, it s not possible, I have never had sex, etc.. So I asked her if she would take a pregnancy test. To which she replied “what would happen if it was positive” – OK so now I knew she was indeed having sex. I bought a test and had her take it – sure enough SD, who was only 14 at the time, was pregnant. When we went to the Dr. we found out she was 20 weeks along. BM wanted her to have an abortion and when she chose to keep the baby BM decided it was best if BDH have full custody, we agreed especially since it was BM’s stupid parenting that got us all in this mess. Anyway, SD15 moved in with us full time, had the baby, and has been adjusting to mommyhood slowly but surly.
So here is my question;
The baby is 2 months old. SD and BF are still boyfriend/girlfriend but obviously live apart. BF lives with his mother, cousin and grandparents in a small house. We have a large house 5 bedroom 2 bath with a huge back yard. SD does not want the baby to go to BF’s house because she does not like his mom (mainly because BF’s mom wanted paternity tests, which I would want too if it were my son). DH and I have told SD that she needs a court order and until then BF has just as much right as she does to have time with the baby. We have encouraged her to get something written up and to let BF and his family have time alone with the baby, not only for the sake of bonding, but because SD needs time to do homework and such. She is reluctant, but we really haven’t given her a choice because we do not want BF and his family at our house all of the time, and we strongly feel that Father’s have equal rights, we do not want SD to become one of those crazy mothers!!
So what is reasonable visitation for a 2 month old with a 16 year old father (remember his mom will be there too) I think it should be a step up plan, but don’t realy know where to go from there. Any thoughts?
I dont' have advice, but you
I dont' have advice, but you are a saint.
Ditto
Ditto
The hours an infant can spend
The hours an infant can spend away from the mother depends mainly on whether the baby is breast-fed. It also depends on how well the NCP & his family can stick to a feeding schedule.
Can they start with a few hours, a few times a week & move up from there?
baby is breast fed, but Sd
baby is breast fed, but Sd also pumps because she is in school full time and the baby is at daycare during the day.
my original thought was:
step 1: vists from 5-7pm on Mon, wed, and fri
step 2; visits from 5-7pm on mon, wed, and fri and from 8am -noon every other saturday
step 3: vists from 5-7pm on Mon, wed, and fri with every other friday being an overnight from friday at 5pm- saturday at noon
step 4 vists from 5-7pm on wed and every other weekend from Friday at 5pm- sunday at 5pm
step 5: adding in time including 1/2 of summer break, spring break etc.. when baby stats school.
I like this plan, I think it sdjust slowly, but fairly. I just do not know when each step should take place? every 6 months? yearly? at certain ages?
also, I would love to hear other ideas because we want to be fair to BF and his family but also want to do what is best for baby.
It is realy hard to know where BF (or even SD) is going to be in 3 years or 5 years so it is realy hard to make a plan that affects a child (well actuly 3 children)
I agree that you don't really
I agree that you don't really know what is going to happen down the road, so planning ahead might not work out, but trying is good. I think that you thought this through, and most likely bio dad and his family haven't (at least not as thoroughly). Seeing as you are a step mom, you understand visitation and such, so I would guess that they would listen to, and try to work with you.
I don't know what they think about the whole situation, so my advice might not be the best, but I would bring up your plan to them and ask them what they think. If you involve them in the decision, they will probably be more cooperative now and in the future. Just remind them that you all want what's best for baby, so you all need to be willing to change the current arrangement if need be.
I suggest doing step one for now and as long as that goes well, step 2 when baby is 6 months or so. I would wait to do step 3 until baby is at least one (maybe even two) AND sleeps through the night AND is comfortable with dad and grandparents because overnight stays are a big change when baby is used to sleeping at mom's. If baby isn't comfortable at first, maybe put in step 2.5 where baby sleeps at mom's, but goes there Saturday from 9 to 7(or whatever), that way they still get more time with baby, but baby still spends nightime with mommy. Then I would say step 4 when baby is 2 or 3 or 4 depending on when step 2.5 and/or 3 happen (again just ideas, you might not want to set specific ages because things could change).
However you decide to do it, agree to try each step out first and if baby doesn't like it, go back to the previous step and try again later. I'm not saying give the kid exactly what it wants all the time (that will lead to problems), but within reason. Give time to adjust before you decide it isn't working for baby. Sorry I'm rambling! Good luck with this though and kudos to you for being so patient and understanding!
until now the babies dad has
until now the babies dad has been coming to our house to visit with the baby almost every day and about 1x per week his mother and grandmother (and sometimes grandfather) come over to our house to visit. Although I am fine with this (they are realy nice people), and they have been fine with this too. I think that if i were them and it was my son who had a baby I would eventuly grow tired of having to go visit baby at the mom's parents house. I would realy like to keep SD15 from having to go to court and I would like for her to be reasonable so that it does not get to that point.
I like your sugestions!! thank you!! my main issue is that in 2 years dad will be 18 and given the current arraingment in his house (he sleeps in the living room on the couch) I would assume that he will get his own place ASAP. This could be good, he could get a little place and set up an area for the baby, etc... but this could also be bad, he could move into his own place and have raging parties every night. this is the main reason I am aprehensive sbout putting anything in writing that includes overnights, even at a later date. On the other hand SD15 could move out when she turns 18 and the same would apply to her. who knows!
I was a teen mom too (had my son at 16), me and his father always just made it work and we have never had any custody agreement in writing, however my husband and his ex's hae always had to have everythign in writing. before I met him I didn't even know that there were women out there who tryed to keep there kids away from their dad. Boy did I learn fast that a court order is a MUST!!
any, way I like your idea of adding a step 2.5 to the plan and maybe a clause about a "trial period". Also I am thinking of having them add some conditions to the plan (for both of them) such as: 1) no haveing non realated people spend the night when you are caring for the child. 2) NO illeagle activities (including underage drinking) around the child 3) each parent must have X, Y, Z for the child at their home and their home must be baby/child safe. I am sure there are others that should be in there, but I can't think of them right now.
I am ganna work on this today. Wish me luck!
You are a SAINT! speechless!
You are a SAINT! speechless! No advice, but I am glad you are thinking of the baby and the father. A 16yr old father is as good as a 15yr old mother... lol
I agree totaly! We spend
I agree totaly! We spend hours every day helping Sd15 learn to be patient, caring and gental as well as teaching her the basics of bathing, feeding, diapering, etc... She is a good mom but she needs alot of help. I think that baby's dad should beable to recieve the same help from his mom and the only way that can happen is if he is allowed to have time with the baby at his house with his family.
I would be careful with
I would be careful with putting too many restrictions on the BD's custody regarding how he can do things and who can do them. It may give you peace of mind but remember that THEY can do the same right back! Currently SD and your family are calling the shots but at some point I bet my life that one of the female relatives is going to "simply fall in love with the darling child!" and push the BF to go to court for a formal agreement. Then all bets are off!
The agreement that you write up, even if it is signed in blood and witnessed by 3 members of the clergy, is NOT BINDING!!!!! The court at anytime can be involved and make a determination with the standard being "the best interest of the child." If you have been seen in anyway as witholding the child from his willing father, your rights can be seriously compromised as you will be seen as the uncooperating party. Seriously bad juju!
I agree that you are an absolute saint in bringing in this girl and her child. The irresponsibility of BM in allowing the BF to sleep over and not expect sex is mind boggling!!!! I would just tread very lightly regarding letting them have time with the child with too many restrictions. That could blow up in your face badly.
the restrictions would be for
the restrictions would be for BOTH of them, but I do see where you are comming from on that. I think they are young and really stupid right now, but hopefully by the time they are older it will change. I wouldn't want SD to be drinking, doing drugs, or having sleep overs when she is caring for the baby either so any restrictions that do go in will be for BOTH of them.
Also, this will be a court order. I know all to well about the family court system, this agreement would be to protect both of them and will be made official by court order!
we do not want to restrict Baby's dad's time at all, just the oposite. We want him to have as much time with baby as possible. We jsut want it to be done slowly and with the babies needs in mind.
I personally have worked for
I personally have worked for attorneys in family law for 21+ years, and my first step would be to hire an attorney who specialized in family law. I would want a paternity test done because if he is not the biological father then I would not want that child going over to his house. Also if he is the biological father then he needs to begin paying child support and helping to support this child financially. I realize that he is a child himself, but the court's don't care and he needs to man up and be responsible financially.
And yes, I agree with others here -- You are a saint!! Bless you for doing this!!
Definitely get legal counsel and get legal opinions. It can still be amicable, but to make sure that everyone is protected all the way around it's the best way to go. In my humble opinion.
-there was a paternity test
-there was a paternity test done (we thought that is was importnant to have one so that the babies dad could properly bond without the thought in the back of his head of "what if", also his mom really wanted one done for obvious reasons as would I if it were my son. It was done when the baby was 5 days old)
- currently SD15 has filled out paperwork with the state for child support (mainly because she had to inorder to get daycare assistance, since the school daycare informed us that they do accept self pay- but that is a whole different issue!), she has not heard back yet but we are figuring they will order the state minimum since he is in highschool and has no job. The state minimum is $50 per month and his mother has said she will pay for it until he gets a job. Until the child support is decided they have been providing diapers, cloths, wipes, etc...
- We have an attorney, due to my husbands on going custody battle with his 12 year old son, and he will write up the papers for a small fee. We really can not afford much more than that since we are still paying over $1200.00 per month in lawerfees for the SS12 custody stuff!
thanks for the advise!! and thanks for saying I am a saint, I feel like a drownding fish at times with all of our chaos. 5 kids, 4 ex's, and now a grandbaby and I am only 29! ugh!!
UPDATE!! we have a parenting
UPDATE!!
we have a parenting plan almost hashed out!! it is very detailed and has 5 steps, in each step dad gets 7.5 more hours. we are going to be getting together on Sat to make the last few changes and then it will be going to the judge next week. here is what we got: thoughts?
step 1 (0-6 months): Mon, wed, and fri from 5-7
step 2 (6months- 1 year): mon and wed from 2:30-7 every week - fri from 2:30-7 every other week and on the oposite week a visit on Saturday from 10-2:30
Step 3 (1 year - 2 1/2 years): Mon and Wed from 2:30-7 every week and every other weekend from friday at 7- saturday at 7
step 4 (2 1/2 until Kindergarten starts): every wed from 2:30 - 7pm and every other weekend from friday at 7- Sunday at 7
Step 5 (school schedule): every other weekend during the school year from Friday after school (or friday at 10am if friday is a no school day) - monday before school (or monday 7pm if monday is a no school day)1 week during winter brek, 1/2 of spring break, and week on week off in the summer.
we also did holidays:
Easter (split every year with one parent getting time until 2:30pm on easter and the other getting 2:30 - the remainder of the weekend)
July 4th (even/odd)
baby's bday (odd/evev)
thanksgiving (mom gets first half until 2:30 on thanksgiving and dad gets second half from 2:30on thanksgiving until 7pm in step 1 and until friday at 2:30 after that)
christmas (mom gets first half Dec. 24th at 10am- xmas morning at 10am and dad gets 2nd half xmas morning at 10am - 2:30pm in step one and until dec.26th at 10 am in steps 2-4 in step 5 he gets 1 week during winter break form xmas morning at 10am - dec. 31 at 10am in odd years and until Jan 1 at 10am in even years and mom gets the all other days during winter break).
In step 5 we also added:
memorial day (even/odd)
labor day (even/odd)
we put in the follwoing provisions:
1)all changes need to be made in writing and can not be revoked
2) no illeagal substances while caring for the child
3)Joint legal custody
4) mediation if there is a dispute.