New here and would love some honest, serious advice
Hi everyone.
My husband and I haven't been married long but he is an amazing man and I love him to no end. My son (age 7) lost his bio dad and my husband's two daughters (age 8 and 14) lost their bio mom, so as step parents to each other's kids we are also the ONLY parents for them. And as my husband is in the military and away right now I am with all three kids by myself. Of course their have been issues with blending a new family, but a lot of it is easier than I expected. However, there is one HUGE problem.
I do not like my 8 year old step daughter. I don't like her natural personality - she is rude, not to me but to EVERYONE else, she is whiny, she is disrespectful, she's annoying, she has to be the center of attention, she talks too much, she's ridiculously manipulative. She's mean to my son, she's rude to adults, she whines and fakes sick to get her way with other people. And one of the worst parts for me is that my husband doesn't seem to know any of this and he thinks she is the most angelic, trouble free sweetheart in the world. He always told me that the 14 year old will be trouble and she will drive me nuts and be impossible to deal with but I would have no problems with the 8 year old...oh boy is the opposite true! Sure the 14 year old can be a typical teenager but I can deal with that, I am having a seriously hard time dealing withe the 8 year old. Also the 8 year old is his bio daughter where as the 14 year old is adopted and though he says he doesn't play favorites, with actions and such everyone can tell he really favors the 8 yr old because she is his. He will say that he doesn't understand 14 yr old because she is nothing like him, she is like an alien, but he gets along so well with 8 yr old because she is just like him (she is NOTHING like him in reality, I think this is just an example of him showing favoritism). And in all honesty I am dreading the next 10 or so years that she will be in this house.
I need advice on a couple of things. 1. Is there absolutely anything I can do to make myself like this kid anymore? 2. Are there are any ways I can temper or gently alter her bad behaviors and personality traits? 3. How do I talk to my husband about her issues while being careful not to offend his feelings for her? 4. I know she is going to try and drive wedges between my husband and I when he comes home, he says we will be solid against any of the kids doing that but I have a feeling she will be able to get away with it, so how do I keep this from happening or talk to him about being aware of it? I really appreciate any advice, stories, anything that anybody can help with.
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Your SD would be easier to
Your SD would be easier to like if her behavior was more in line with what an 8 yo's behavior should be.
Your DH is operating out of guilt. He probably views her as this "poor little child" because she lost her mom and, while that is tragic, special treatment isn't going to help anything. In fact, if she is able to drive a wedge between you two, she might just end up losing another parent (i.e. YOU, in the event of a divorce).
He needs to be man enough to hear your concerns about their relationship, her behavior, etc. That's why God gave men big shoulders; so that we could handle our family's burdens. If you worry too much about protecting his feelings, you are going to contribute to an unhealthy situation for ALL of you. Besides, parents are supposed to help each other by seeing things that the other one doesn't (and then communicating them). Two heads are better than one.
With that being said, I can understand how hard it can be for a man to "hear" what his significant other is telling him about his kid. And when I say, hard to hear, I don't mean emotionally; I mean that he just can't understand what is being communicated. That was very much the case with my FDW and I. In fact, I was at a counseling appointment (by myself) and, after telling the counselor everything I've identified in my daughter's behavior (which is similar to your SD's) the counselor said to me, "So, isn't this pretty much where we left off a year-and-a-half ago?" and I sheepishly had to affirm his statement. My fiance had been calling out that behavior for about 2 years now but it took a horrible summer of my BD's misbehavior and a near-relationship ending fracture to finally get a clue about what she was saying.
My advice: GET A THIRD PARTY INVOLVED! And a 4th and a 5th and a 6th if necessary. Get into a counselor's office. Get him on this forum. Tell him to talk to other fathers-of-daughters in blended families. Get him to talk to anyone and everyone you can. It's working for me. And now, I feel guilty as hell for not recognizing it earlier and running my wonderful woman through the ringer all of this time (because I was trying to protect MY emotions - not hers - which was wrong).
Play some psychology on him. Give him a back rub and be real sweet when he talks to other people about this stuff and shares with you what he learned. Cut him off in the sack if he doesn't. Coming from a man - and despite popular opinion - we AREN'T that hard to train.
Thank you for that, it was
Thank you for that, it was helpful and refreshing. I tried once to mention this situation to a female friend and she told me I was a horrible person and mother for not liking this child, I was afraid to mention it anywhere else but the issues have gotten worse since then. I really appreciate the helpful outside opinion.
Someone can not judge you in
Someone can not judge you in this situation unless they are or have been there. When you blend families, it one of the hardest things to do in my opinion.
You can't "make" yourself
You can't "make" yourself like her unfortunately. All you can do is be civil, be yourself and be understanding. The process is slow and one day you may end up at the point of mutual respect or at the very least mutual tolerance, or you may not.
One thing that has worked for me is I have sat down and laid down house rules with DH. If he needs them in writing somewhere, so be it. I think sometimes as SM we are more sensitive to poor behavior than their bio-parents, who may have the ability to just ignore it all. But if you agree on a set of rules and that both of you need to enforce them he will come around.
Also, you should make sure he makes time for you. When DH and I were first together, he would let the skids stay up all night in the living room with him and they would have a big slumber party. We have zero time to reconnect after a long day. Now we have agreed that they need a bedtime at least 1 hour before we go to bed so we have that alone time together to watch tv, read in bed, or just talk.
It is hard to find people who understand your situation because to others it seems we are evil for not liking a child. No one can judge you and you shouldnt let anyone feel bad about yourself.
I agree. It is hard get the
I agree. It is hard get the full picture through post; but I think I get the idea. I have 3 bios and have been a SM for 12 years. SD14 lives with us FT; her mother is alive but hardly sees her at all - maybe 2x's a month for a couple hours. I don't want to scare you but girls attitudes get worse! After a year of pulling my hair out w/ her I just gave up!! DH and I did fight about it; but realizes in order for "us" 2 work it has to be this way! Your situation is different because YOU are the primary caregiver and thats harder. do you think you can change her over a period of time w/o her noticing....LOL! Little things like the way she talks to people. Take charge now before its to late. If DH is the kind to sit back and let you handle it - do it on your own; if he's like mine - and watches everything you do to his princess - then confronting him would be best. Good luck to you!!