You are here

Fertility / Infertility Issues

GoldenTiger's picture

I just posted a suggestion on adding Bkids to a blended family. Considering the fact that in addition to trying to add another child, all the very stressful issues of infertility have compounded the problems for us personally.

On infertility forums, the vast majority of users are not also dealing with the stresses of a blended family & just don't 'get it.'

This is a distinct issue & I believe deserves a separate forum.

Thank you!

GoldenTiger's picture

Long story short, I have a BS12 from 1st marriage, SD14, SS12. No Bkids with DH.

I'm 37 with stage III endometriosis now with bowel obstruction issues from ovary adhesions, down from stage IV 4 yrs ago. Due to surgery & the destructive nature of the disease, I'm down to 1/2 of 1 ovary that can procreate.

DH had 'profound' male factor infertility when we originally started trying for just 1 'our' kid 2.5 yrs ago. After significant lifestyle changes on DH part, his male factor as of 2 wks ago is now gone.

Have been TTC for 2.5 yrs. Been through 3 IVF cycles with ICSI. No success.

Ignorant, intrusive, overbearing, meddlesome, delusional BM has had sent police to our house multiple times, into our home for DH & I to wake up with an officer staring down at us in our beds as we slept, broken my foot, spread spiteful misinformation, etc. At one point I was finally awarded a restraining order (protective order) against her. Difficult since we lived 1.5-2 miles from each other.

And don't get me started on a preteen/teen SD testing boundaries & limits & pecking order!

All this while TTC. During 1 IVF cycle, my stress hormone levels went up so high that I had to be put on medication to bring it back down on blood tests or else would have to cancel the cycle (AFTER taking weeks of shots twice a day)! ugh.

We're in a much better place now as a couple, but literally as well. We moved across the country. Things have definitely quieted down. I have sole & residential custody of my BS12. SD14 & SS12 live with BM across the country although DH retains joint custody.

The problem is that my reproductive system has been given a max shelf life of maybe 1 yr last week due to how aggressive & invasive my endometriosis is & the damage being spread out.

I love my husband & want another child very badly. That is my heart speaking.

My head tells me that it's a very very bad idea.

Between my near constant pain (despite recent surgery), ticking time clock, Skid issues, & DH's paralyzing guilt of leaving his kids to move away, well... do I really need to finish my thought? Blum 3

Having an 'Our' child feels like throwing gasoline on a fire. The fires are manageable right now. And heaven only knows it's soooo nice to not have crisis after crisis barging through my home & life taking center stage! I've decided for now, to go with my head, not my heart. It's been a hard decision to choose peace & quiet over having a baby.

I've chosen to chemically suppress my cycles & hopefully shrink up any missed endometriomas for the next 3 months. Who knows? I may change my mind & decide to go for it again before the end of 3 months. It's hard when I fell equally strong for both sides of the argument.

That's why I've chosen to go with my head, not my heart. I don't need to create even more arenas where I'm pitted against the BM & Skids for DH's support & attention.

Please tell me I'm not alone in these sort of thoughts swirling around!

Greenfig's picture

No, you are not alone at all. I am in similar boat. Constantly thinking about these things. I am not a huge kid fan (especially after being around SD) but in the same time I would maybe want one. I am 35 and the clock is ticking. Financially we are just barely getting by, BF is paying child support to BM, yet the SD is with us 4 days a week.
I feel like there is not time, money or room for my own child. I am uncertain myself, except there is not much time left to be sitting on the fence.
I cannot imagine bringing a child into this situation, BM fucking with us on daily basis, dictating our schedule by being late etc and doing PAS.

makes me angry that rotten BM, who cannot mother to save her life, got to have a kid with my BF and she got to have her wedding her baby, her 15 minutes of being the first ine, but I do not get to do any of this because my BF has been there done that and he is "spent"? Makes me crazy!

Gosh, what have I got myself into?

Rebel78's picture

We haven't even gotten married yet and the fertility issues have already been making me crazy...I was married for 11 years before and went through EVERY treatment (IVF twice) and know that I want to adopt but not sure SO will be able to love an adopted child as he does his own BKs. He says he is fine with it and will love them the same, but I am really scared that when it comes down to it, that he will feel differently about them...

He has mentioned trying IVF again - but I am not sure I can go through it again...that was one roller coaster ride that left me physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally drained...and in the end the infertility was one of the things that let to my first divorce...

iwishyouwould's picture

i have the same thought - if i cant have kids myself.. would adopting give me the "our" kid that I want or would dh feel the slight detachment i sometimes feel to ss?

"if you don't have anything nice to say, then shut the fuck up."

GoldenTiger's picture

So does that mean you have no biokids of your own?

And yes, he will feel differently. Every parent loves each of their children differently. Doesn't necessarily mean less. Different isn't always a bad thing.

More questions...

Does DH want another 'ours' child with you? Where does he stand?

How old are SKs? Any chance of adopting them?

Are you wanting to adopt an infant or older child? Would that ease your worries of his acceptance of the child as his?

Men don't go through pregnancy directly. They experience it through sharing it with their partner. Going to Dr. appts, ultrasound pics, reading books, talking about hopes & dreams for the baby. It's a secondary experience. Don't jump on me! I'm not saying it's not as important. But after a guy does his part, his body still belongs to himself. Women must give up their bodies to the little booger growing inside & can't have that kind of autonomy.

Maybe the long waiting process of adoption & all it's hoops can be viewed like the long wait of physical pregnancy & birth. So how involved would DH be in the adoption process? Would he have buy-in? Would you be able to get excited together, do the research together, get frustrated with the same things about the process, & talk about hopes & dreams for the new one? Wouldn't that kinda be the same experience for a guy as a physical pregnancy? Plus, unlike a physical pregnancy, with adoption, if at any time (before you finally sign papers) you feel that your fears were right & he's just not into it enough for your needs, you can walk away. Once your 38 wks along in pregnancy, you don't have the option to decide that daddy isn't ready to be a daddy. So if it's what you really want, what's wrong with going for it & seeing how it goes?

I'm sorry infertility led to your 1st divorce. Sad I know it was a HUGE hit to your ego in so many ways that fertile myrtles just will never understand! ((((hugs))))

Infertility is soooo hard. Add SKs into it and WOW. exponential. But if you just can't ride the coaster anymore, then you can't. No need to feel guilty. DH is probably asking if you want to try as an offer to try to provide for your needs. I hope it's supportive & not pressure driving that.

Infertile women go through the same 7 stages of grief as someone who has lost a spouse. SO if you're already at #7 (acceptance), then you can have closure & move on. In your case, adoption. If you are there & don't want to go through 1-6 AGAIN, no one has the right to ask that of you.

So I guess the question is what do you really want? Take the fears & doubt & past failures out & then what's left? Desire for biokid, or adoption?

Don't think I helped, but just know someone is listening & caring & wants to know!

"It only matters if I care!" Biggrin

Rebel78's picture

Thanks so much for the reply - and no I do not have any Bio's of my own.

My SO says he definitly wants kids that are 'ours' and he also knows very well how this whole subject affects me...maybe not as intimately as my Ex since he went through it with me, however SO is super supportive.

And I guess there in lies the rub...he knows how much all of this means to me and wants to be there for me in every way - just want to make sure that he wants 'ours' as much as he wants to 'make me happy' - Does that make sense?

The Skids are young now (almost 3 and 4) so if it happened in the next few years it may be OK as for them 'accepting' another child...and I would definitely want to adopt an infant (however that is extremely difficult and extremely expensive...)

As for him talking about IVF again, I think it's two fold - I think he would 'prefer' "our" own children but more making sure I knew it was still an option if I wanted it to be. However - I have been through those 7 steps of grief way too many times (and have in fact arrived at acceptance a few times before - only to be "dragged" back to 'hopeful' by my ex who was determined no to give up on the IVF) So I think for my sanity I have to give up on 'hopeful'...

And yes there are many out there that wouldn't understand that...unfortunately...because I promise if I have to hear one more story about Sally Joe who was ready to give up and it magically happened when she was 45, dried up, virginal, etc so I shouldn't give up hope :sick: I will scream... Wink