Angry step-daughter
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My husband has two children from his first marriage. Before we married, both of his children were very nice to me. In fact, his oldest child, a daughter, often called me or emailed me for advice. We frequently got together to catch up on life, etc. As soon as we married, that ended. She has become rude to us - and spends as much time as possible with her mother. Her mother is not at all happy that we are married (despite being divorced for about 10 years).
The daughter only contacts us now if she wants something - usually monetary. I'm not sure how to handle this. I know it's breaking my husband's heart. I feel like my stepdaughter is being negatively influenced by her bitter mother. Has anyone else been in a similar situation?
If your SD is an adult, it
If your SD is an adult,
it is very common theme on this site, so welcome. I, personally, had never been affected by a venomous BM, but I do have three adult SDs who were determined to make my life HELL when I married their dad (they, too, thought is was "cute" when we were just dating....). ANd, their "daddy" sat back and did nothing, just hoped that some day we would be a "big happy family" while I was verbally abused and tormented, harassed, etc.
Your best bet is to just STAY OUT OF IT. Let your husband handle it, because I can almost PROMISE you that no matter what you do/say, in the end, YOU will be the "bad guy". I KNOW how confusing it is, I tried to be "friends' with my SDs at first, but they never really wanted to be my "friend", they just resented the fact that they couldn't control "daddy" anymore and that another "woman" was in the picture.
I also tried to "mediate" and make things better, but after 6 years, the best thing I've done (and I think you'll hear this from others) is just DETACH. You are your husband's WIFE, his children/daughters are his to handle. Hugs!! And good luck!!
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt
Your best bet is to just
Your best bet is to just STAY OUT OF IT. Let your husband handle it, because I can almost PROMISE you that no matter what you do/say, in the end, YOU will be the "bad guy".
SO TRUE. One big thing is learning not to care. And it's hard but like Kitty Kat said, you'll end up being the bad guy. I know you want to help him but if he doesn't want to be helped, you're the one stirring the pot and making things worse. Of course it's a load of hooey and of course it's not logical but unfortunately, that's how it is for the most part.
"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".
Thank you - I really, really
Thank you - I really, really appreciate getting advice from those who have been there. My SD is 22 - barely an adult.
I guess the only thing I can do is be pleasant, but not overly friendly, etc.
And like many in my situation, neither of my stepkids thanked me for Christmas gifts etc. It's sad that they are allowed to behave like that, but like you said, they are not mine.
I have a similar situation
I have a similar situation with my SD. She's 20, going to be 21 in April. You can try to cut yourself off from what's happening but you cannot really escape from it. It will eventually wear you down. I pray she will move out soon. Need to get my life back to normal.
I'm working on it. It's kind
I'm working on it. It's kind of pitiful to see how she's just hurting herself. She has taken on the same sour attitude of her mother. I'm making a promise to myself to just stay out of it. Let my husband deal with her. I'm turning the other cheek. It's hard - because now the SD insists (with the support of her mother) that she needs a new car - a very expensive car, too. My husband can afford it - but really now? Does a senior in college really need a luxury car? It's ridiculous.
Just because dh can afford
Just because dh can afford it doesn't mean he has to buy it. She's a college senior. Let her graduate, get a job and buy whatever car she likes, but dh doesn't OWE her a car of any sort. In fact, after age 18 he owes her nothing. Anything he chooses to give her should be considered a gift and should be earned (through respect) and appreciated. If she is being an ass, she deserves nothing.
"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"
Man, I never had a car until
Man, I never had a car until I graduated college. My parent's graduation gift was $3000 as a down payment for a car but I was responsible for payments, insurance, etc.
"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".
The ladies are 100% correct
The ladies are 100% correct to say not get involved with your SD and let your DH handle her.
However, YOU as his wife, hold tremendous power in exactly HOW he may CHOOSE to handle this seemingly spoiled "adult child."
A new sports car for a 22-yr-old? Ummmm....no, I don't think so! How about her getting a J-O-B?
Your DH needs to undertsnd one thing in dealing with his entitled grown children and at the same having to live with you...
"Happy wife, happy life"
If he wants to ultimately be happy with YOU as his life partner, then these unreasonable, entitled, spoiled and guilt-playing adult children need to be put in their place. By their father...
With you standing right behind him (and ultimately putting your foot down).
Does it sound like a game? Maybe. But believe me, my DH was on this very path- and his spoiled, entitled daughters were still in their TEENS.
Boy, oh boy, did I put the kabosh on this pattern quickly. Ask KittyKat just how bad my DH used to be. Not any more!
"Of course things worked out nicely for Carol Brady...she had a live-in maid and Mike's first wife was DEAD!"
Thank you I will take that
Thank you I will take that advise also, as I have a spoiled sd who stomps her feet and causes problems when she doe not get her way. I am learning to detach, which is sad as when she was little her mother could't influence her as she does now.
*like*
*like*
Can I join the choir here?
Can I join the choir here? Everything these wise women have written is right on target!
If SD cannot even muster up common courtesy toward you and DH, then the only answer to her requests for money and fancy cars should be NO! And that NO! should echo off the walls and down the street.
Otherwise SD will only learn that she can act like a beast toward you and DH and still be REWARDED for her behavior. C'mon, if we trained our dogs that way we'd have them ready for the fighting ring in no time. Try it. If the dog bites you, reward her! If the dog bites your wife, reward her!...and then blame your wife
.If the dog bites you again, buy her a fancy car!
Why do guilty-daddys continue to reward their adult childrens' terrible behavior and then wonder why nothing ever gets better? Wonder why their adult brats are ill-prepared for the world and bite bosses, co-workers, and significant others?
Geez!
My dh's response to his
My dh's response to his sisters who claimed "SVS has complete control over you and you need to stand up for yourself and your daughter" was classic. He said "Just because I agree with my wife, doesn't mean she is controlling me. It simply means we are like minded, which is a good thing for a married couple. The only ones trying to control me are the two of you with you're comments and manipulations. Stop projecting your poor behavior on to SVS".
"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"
"SVS has complete control
"SVS has complete control over you and you need to stand up for yourself and your daughter"
God are all families like this?
I have been told by SIL that I am running my Dh's life and that he never gets to do the things he wants anymore...
WTF? Does she know my Dh? All he wants is to be left alone infront of his computer!!!
lol - I have 7 (yes 7)
lol - I have 7 (yes 7) sisters in law from dh's family. The funny thing is that Wingnut actually DID control him and they never picked a fight with her. They're so ridiculous. They think that if I weren't around they'd see Creature and dh more often and Creature would be allowed to run rampant. They'd see her even LESS if it weren't for me and she'd be so badly behaved they wouldn't want to see her!
"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"
My SIL used to run Dh's life
My SIL used to run Dh's life for him. Thats the problem. She babysat sd, she made plans for games night and she always had a babysitter whenever she needed him. And now, I have been helping him grow a set of balls (that just may be where the soon to be addition came from
) and he says "No" when she calls and he doesn't want to. I understand its gotta be tough to lose someone you always depended on because they got a life, but really just be happy that they're happy!!!
My husband's ex is still
My husband's ex is still bitter and resentful toward me. They've been divorced for 12 years and we've been married for 5. Get over it already. Their kids had a hard time with their dad moving on. Their family seems to be all about drama, and as soon as I stopped caring about it, magic happened. Now I have a pretty good relationship with the daughter, and the son actually THANKED me a couple of days ago for putting up with all of his crap. (He's in drug rehab and this is part of the 12-step process; I hope it was sincere.) All I care is that they are polite to me. And generally they are.
As to the car... "No" is a perfectly good word and not used nearly enough. There is NO way that indulging these adults in their little fantasies and games makes them responsible adults. Even if your DH really does have the means to buy the little princess everything her heart desires does NOT mean that he should.
I completely agree about the
I completely agree about the car. Her mother originally gave her the current fancy car she drives (which she claims has fallen apart). If she were my child, I would've never given it to her - but she is not mine. My husband and I have already had a long talk about this - and I made it very clear what I thought (e.g. why reward bratty, entitled behavior?) - He and his daughter are supposed to "talk about" it today. We'll see.
But - to maintain my own peace of mind, I need to let it go. As for finances, he really can afford it. But - our finances are separate, so even if he were to spend it all, I have my retirement etc etc separate (we have a prenup).
Thanks though - you all have confirmed what I already knew. The child is being manipulative & selfish. It's so obvious - and really quite sad.
You have that right!! I'm so
You have that right!!
I'm so with you on this one!!! When I "cared", when I "tried", when I showed up bearing gifts and goodies, I was treated like crap...
NOW they ask "daddy"...Is KK coming? Why isn't KK coming?
That's what happens when you kick somebody around. Hurt eventually just turns to apathy (regarding them). I, too, am concentrating on all the WONDERFUL, beautiful people and things in my life. I don't have TIME for their "reindeer games" any more. Hee hee.
Rudolph doesn't want to play with them ANY MORE!!
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt
Stilltrying nailed it. I
Stilltrying nailed it. I have a 26 yo SD and I'm also fed up with the pincess routine. Unfortunately she lives with us. I'm constantly getting on DH about being more assertive to her. I told him he's not doing her any favors and she's going to be ill prepared to live in the real world. DH has always coddled her and treated her like a princess, so she expects everyone else to do the same. Now she's having problems with co-workers . . again . .and he realizes the error of his ways. When ten people approach you and tell you the same issue, it's not them it's you.
I told DH that's he's created a monster and the good news is that now he's starting to see it as well. Just today he told me "she's a piece of work." I told him, she's your masterpiece, not mine . . so you deal with it!
kk OK just to catch up: I
kk
OK just to catch up: I shouldn't go to lunch for my milestone birthday with the sd who just week told her father, the dh, that I lied and had told her beloved sister that she didn't need to pay back the $5000 she borrowed 5 years ago?! Actually I can hear the NOOOO's don't go from here! I'm sure I'm tooooo busy, toooo sick, toooo freaked out. Boy did I really think these step witches would ever be more than jealous, lying little masterpieces who would like me someday? What a waste of time, money and lots of emotion for 15 years. Disengage is the only way to survive.
Just a clarification of
Just a clarification of previous post sd who borrowed money 38yo
sd who invited me to birthday lunch is 36yo both of them could not make my surprise birthday party my dh gave me on Sunday. He's sooo sweet even if he was the disney father. kk
I am currently in this
I am currently in this situation! I am so miserably married. My husband decided it's a good idea to have his daughter take over the payments of our other car (which is in my name) so she could have a reliable transportation as she's going to college. We'll a few months later..she had forgotten that she had to pay the car payments and I got bill collectors calling me. I've been telling her to return the car to me and she won't. Whenever I mention this to my husband, we always end up fighting because he won't listen to what I have to say. Should I use the LoJack installed in the car? I am so stuck with the monthly payments and insurance. She's not even going to college but just partying!