hmmm.. that is a tough one.. sheesh. You are going to resent DH if he doesnt stick up for you and your things, and SD is going to resent DH if he stands his ground and scolds her. To address the question about the room situation, I think you should move baby's room to bigger room (since baby is there full time). SD is only there 4 days a month. Second, would a conversation with SD help? Be as nice as you can be, tell her she is welcome to use your things she just needs to be respectful and ask first. I really think this is something you and SD need to work out. Leave DH out of it since he will be forced to take sides. Not good for either of you.

Oh,boy, I just went through this when I was in FL with my grands and their friends.(used MY items)

First since she has refused to come & its been two months . I definetly would move the child who lives there full time to the Biggest room. let her enjoy it.

And when Step comes back tell her why you changed rooms.(you refused to comesowe thought you wouldn't be needing the big room any longer)

WITH MY TEENS, WE HAVE 2 MASTER BEDROOMS AND 2 REG SIZE BEDROOMS
..I SLEEPIN ONE..MY DAUGHTERS, TRADED ROOMS EVERY 6 MONTHS SO BOTH COULD HAVE A "BIG" ROOM..( TO CUT OUT THOSE ARGUEMENTS) IT WORKED WELL., PLUS THE ROOMS GOT A DEEP CLEANING LOL

Stolen items-before i left for TX in DEC. I had a girl,Kim, come clean.
She was doing the guest Bathroom & When I went to talk to her FOUND about 120.00 worth of MY cosmetics USED-EMPTY..I had NOT even used them. Most were Gifts from FH.
Last time I went to TX my grandson stayed at the house (fl) watching the dog. Apparently his Girl Friends USED my items. I was livid.
I asked GSon about them he said NOPE I didn't use them
I said, well they were in my bathroom on the shelf..I doubt if the DOG moved them.on of your girls did !!!
I almost called his Main Girl friend. But I didn't. Now NO one watched the house. And yes I am Still TICKED OFF..She had NO RIGHT to go in my room. I almost want to make her replace my items...still mad about it.

Now I wonder if anything else is missing..I have a BIG house packed with things..IF Kim( cleaner) hadn't found the empty items under the sink, in guest bath, I wouldn't have really known they were gone , until I used them again.
I keep doubles in Both houses so i don't have to carry cosmetics when I travel from House to House..That will END come Spring when I move..Thank God.

As for your SD...Explain how she would feel if you took & used her items & didn't return them..Like her laptop..or something she really loves. Until it happens to THEM, they don't seem to UNDERSTAND, especially if they didn't worked hard to pay for the items.

I probably would take her shopping, promise her a shopping trio.
BUT with attachemnts.
have her help you clean or do something to EARN the money or part of it for the items you will buy.
I want her to KNOW THE VALUE , of working & SPENDING.

Then take her & Buy her the items she needs.
Tell her there is NO reason to LIE. That you know she has & you will forgive her this ONE TIME & she should appologise.
And IF you catch her again, YOU will NOT Buy her anything.
let her realize how expensive these items are by taking her shopping.
let DADDY Pay for her things ..NOT YOU.
And also tell her you know how long these items will LAST ( a month, 2 months etc) and they are to be used at your home. She may take some things home but MUST ASK & bring them back when she returns.
That you'll only replace them..When the time has gone by & she brings you the empty item.

And IF anything else DISAPPEARS ( LIKE COTTON BALLS, cosmetics ETC SHE MAY BE TAKING TO MOMS & leaving them there ) YOU WILL NOT REPLACE THEM!!!

MAIN THINGS IS HER TO STAY OUT OF YOUR BATHROOM & BEDROOM, IF NEEDED BUY A KEY LOCK USE IT WHEN SHES VISITING.

I don't like people using my stuff - I have had too many sisters, cousins, roommates, friends, who went shopping in my bathroom, and never returned the favor! I don't even say if you ask it is ok, it is not okay ever (unless you were in a natural disaster or something maybe), my mascara, hairbrush etc. is for my personal use only!

I agree that if she needs something, and you can afford it, to maybe get her own.

If it is using your stuff that she enjoys, I would lock your stuff up. It is a huge pain in the ass, but it would stop your stuff from walking out the door. I would even ask DH to search her bags before she leaves, if she comes back, if it continues. She definitely gets the smaller room now.

This is just a power play and disrespect thing, and you do NOT have to just accept it like DH says. I know this has happened to me with my SD18, and it does make sense that some reasons could be no longer center of attention and not wanting any discipline. Oh well, tough shyte, stay out of my personal belongings!

Stay strong
_________________________________________________________
“Learn by practice.” - Martha Graham

I am in a similar situation except for the stealing. My things do tend to disappear though...
My brother used to steal when he was a kid, it is a play for dominance. I will take whatever I want and you can't stop me. It is an invasion and she is doing it to show you she is the one in charge, she can come in your home do whatever she wants, take whatever she wants and you'll just have to shut up and take it.

I would make swift and blinding punishment every time something goes missing. I would call her out in front of her friends, family, classmates whomever as much as it takes to show her that you are in charge. Humility is a good thing in this case. The more you show that she can't get away with it and it will become public knowledge every time she takes something it will decline. Follow that up by taking something of hers, grounding her, or some other punishment will make it stop. Make her motivation to be avoiding the negative consequences and it will end.

Those are just my thoughts.

Take care and good luck.

Steve that could be....never thought of it that way.
hmmm, interesting..

I was just thinking of my daughters. (3) From what I recall (they're now all in 30's) None of them took my belongings, if something were needed they always asked. I guess that's why I'm not use to people taking things.
My Grand children believe everything I own is theirs. I never seen kids do things like this. I guess a lot of it, is the way they are raised. ( i will be the first to admit My oldest Daughter is a terrible mother, when it comes to discipline ) And teaching her children right from wrong. If anything they feel we owe them.
I am ashamed of their behavior, especialy since my husband died.
I did notice, all of them trying to Boss me around LOL FAT chance.
They have a BIG shock coming to them ( the older grands) I stick to what I say, and nothing they will do or say now, will change the way I feel.
I am one of 11 siblings. I know how to handle spoiled brats very well.LOLOLOL

And especially My Grandsons, Girl friend,The nerve. That really angered me.
I am also missing a Hair blower. Before I left for TX I hunted high & low. I always bring that with me, and have a special place were i keep it in the Bath rm in FL. Last I recall was placing it back in that drawer when I unpacked my suitcase. I searched and searched. Then of course I had o buy a new one,..when it couldn't be located another 50.00..when I left to come back to TX in Dec. That angers me, that I have to replace items I already own.
I had all the locks changed to my house too. Just encase , a grand or someone made a copy. And now have a alarm system co. Taking care of it..LOL.

I am also a cosmetic hogg...product junkie too. and buy a lot when it's on sale. And like trying New things. And the prices on them are outragous now. Nail polic use to be like $1.00 now 6.00 each LOL
Lipsticks 5.00 now 20.00+ each...So they stuff adds up quickly.

As for the extra shampoo's, creams etc. Just pack them up and give them to her as needed. I would just get a Notebook/binder/ for inventory and keep track of everything you put in her bathroom.
I don't know what it is about Teens now...But they have NO sense of guilt, or feeling bad for anything they do.
I couldn't imagine, raising children these days. Mine were just so different...And I am thankful they were LOL.

SD is playing power games with her father and you. And it seems she has the upper hand. Right now she is employing the "withholding my presence" strategy. This is common. Dhs fall for this strategy all the time.

In your home, she is playing the "I can take whatever the hell I want because it's MY HOUSE" strategy. The more she gets away with it, the more you reinforce that indeed, SD16 sets the rules in your home.

SD is also playing the "Daddy values me more than Stepmom" strategy by sending an email that places the blame for her bad behaviors on you. If DH treats that email as fact, SD16 knows that she is in control.

It seems that you and DH are in a great position right now to recalibrate the parent-child relationship to where it should be.

For the "withholding my presence" strategy, you need to take the long-term view. All of you will be here years from now, and SD is thinking short-term. A nice reply from DH such as, "That's too bad, honey. We all love you so much and want to see you. But we can wait until you are ready to visit us again. Soon we'll be doing (insert a fun thing here), and we really hope you will join us. " Put the decision right back in SD16's lap. She'll show up again--may be a few weeks or months--but she'll show up.

As for the stealing, have the nice, rational discussion AFTER you lock up your posessions. Yes, locking up tampons seems silly, but she'll get the point very quickly. And she'll have to ask you for things, which places the power dynamic where it should be. I did this in my house, and not only did I keep jewelry that would have been stolen, my SD got the message that the control over my posessions (and over me) was not hers anymore.

As for "Daddy values me more than Stepmom" strategy, DH needs to call out SD on her disrespect toward you. If he doesn't then he is giving her permission to continue disrespecting you--handing over the power to his daughter.

And to further set the parent-child relationship in line, you should switch SD16 and BD's rooms before her next visit. Nothing communicates "this is MY house, not yours" better than having your space changed by someone else. Ask anyone in the military. Your BD will need that space eventually, and it shouldn't be held as a shrine for a twice-a-month visit by a teenager.

Hope this helps. I've been where you are.

I certainly think you should change your baby's room to the bigger room as long as you organize her small room to a welcoming environment i dont see nothing wrong with it. like you said she doesn't live there and doesnt plan on coming there any time soon. She's just playing the control roll with her dad.I suggest that you sit your husband down and tell him exactly how you feel and you should both go out out and buy extra make up or simple things like tampons and put it in the bathroom so she wont have to go through ur stuff, no ur personal stuff is a no no I dont even let my biological daughter go through my stuff, she has her own and is responsible for what she has. Then when she comes again or if you husband can call her and ask her to sit with both of you and discuss the matter and let her know that now she has her own and that she is not to touch your stuff and that she is responsible for keeping it there. If that doesnt change the matter then do what one of the other ladies suggested lock all your stuff up even your bedroom when she's there. Unfortunately my bf son steals all the time everything in this house disappears like magic and I mean big time including money, I had to with no doubt lock everything up is too bad that I dont feel safe in my own house but better safe then sorry, I even lock my bedroom door when I go use the bathroom that's how bad it is and he is only 9 and permanently lives here with us also everytime something disappear I make my bf replace so he can see how it feels spending money to replace it and maybe he will start thinking more about how you feel.....

Good luck let us know how it goes

I don't get SDs and why they pull this. I know I never did it to my own mother. If I wanted something, I asked.

My SD "borrows" my stuff all the time. The worst was when she "borrowed" new shoes I bought only 3 days before and wore them to a garden party, after a rain. The heels stuck in the mud and were ruined. They were leather and molded to the shape of her feet. I hadn't even had the chance to wear them. I made her pay me back.

Little things always end up missing around here, and even my stepsons do it too. Zit cream, shampoo, razors, bath soap. All of it stuff I would buy if they told me they were out. I have two steamer size trunks in our room with stuff I really worry about, and keep them locked.

I leave money inside my top dresser drawer. It's gone EVERY TIME. (I have another secret hiding place the kids' haven't found yet.) My DH is like, are you sure you left it there? No one would be in your stuff. Well, hell, I've seen SD come in and riffle through my things while I'm sitting right there!!!
"I HAD to pick the road less traveled..."

Cool! You sound hopeful!

You wrote: the "disrespecting SM game" has to be dealt with by my husband and i'm not sure he has the guts to do it. He hates confrontation."

I walked in your ruined, leather shoes on this one :-). There doesn't need to be confrontation between SD16 and DH when she disrespects you. Sounds like she only has guts in email and text form, anyhow, not in person. All you DH has to say to her when the verbal spew toward you begins is,"I realize that you have issues with OregonMom, but I cannot discuss your issues until you speak in a more mature way about the situation. Can you please repeat your point in a way that makes more sense to me?"

If SD16 cannot stop the spew, then DH should say, "It seems that this issue is an emotional one for you. When you are ready to be more rational and less insulting about OregonMom, I will be here to listen. " And then DH STOPS THE CONVERSATION.

No drama needed. No confrontation. No raised voices. Just your DH being sensitive to the situation and challenging his daughter to deal with her emotions in a more mature way. What father wouldn't want to teach that to his daughter?

I made my DH practice the conversation with me because he was fearful of his daughters, too. His adult daughters still hate me, but their hateful emails, texts, and conversations with DH have stopped since they found that he just won't go there with them anymore.

Hope this helps. You should never, ever place yourself in a position where you are disrespected in your own home. It's damaging for you, and also damaging for your other children to watch it. You probably cannot change SD16, but you can (CAN!) control what you will accept in your own home.

Nothing to do with BM, really. I never had any issues with her personally. Oh, I know she talked smack about me regularly, but I never really cared. She is a lightweight and not worth my time.

My issues were with DHs 5 children (teens then, now adults) who ganged together in an effort to disrespect me and ruin my marriage. When they moved into our home, they immediately tried to take over. They had lived with DH for a few years before he married me, and they were used to running his house. One daughter, in particular, was the self-appointed "wife," and she really resented not being in charge when we got married. She felt like the ex-wife and acted just like one too.

So I tried for years to get along with daughter-ex-wife and the rest of them until it got so bad that I had to disengage to preserve what was left of my dignity. Soon after that, I got so fed up with their disgusting habits and behaviors that I told DH to kick them out or I'd leave (they were adults by then). To my surprise, he actually kicked them out after repeated warnings about their drug use, drinking all of our alcohol, tantrums, constant stealing from us, etc.

I've given up on trying to change their minds about me. Talk about a complete waste of my time! Their BM taught them how to be haters, and hate is what they do. I am an easy target for their hate--its laughable what they try to blame on me. Of course DH wears rose-colored glasses and hopes for the day that we will "all get along, " but I doubt that day will come any time soon. Life is too short to spend my time trying to fix these people.

Have experienced all of this with 14 yo sd. Lying, stealing, cheating never ends! So exhausting trying not to lose yourself in the mix. DH and I went thru hell but he doesn't put up with anything when she is here, which is maybe one wkend a month now. I've done everything to support her since she was 1 when DH and I met. She has stolen makeup, vapes, perfume,jewelry, socks, even a pair of my brand new panties! It's so weird and says she and BM share socks YUCK! It got so bad a year ago that she threatened to go live with BM and her dad said go! We've never told her she's not welcome here but we don't put up with the drama:) I had actually forgotten how stressful it was until she was here last wkend. She is so loud and obnoxious and super rude and mean to us and our 3/10 yr olds! 
she stole a squishy toy at the store right in front of me and told her dad I said she could :/ he immediately reprimanded her and she tried so hard to make him believe her and he told her to be quiet and go away. I couldn't find my chapstick and started digging thru her bag to find it and I found someone else's cell phone. She told her dad it was a friends and she didn't know why she gave it to her. Sd flipped out and asked me to not go through her stuff and so I took it as an opportunity to let DH know what she decided to do when she and i went to the store together on what was supposed to be a bonding experience. She had babysat for a few hrs so I took her to Starbucks before the store. We live in a super cold place and I made her wear pants instead of shorts like she always does and she was probably getting back at me in some demented way! Stepparent life is the worst!
I had ended up simply misplacing the chapstick which I suspected but it sucks that every single time me and DH misplace something our mind goes there. She even stole his wedding ring that he keeps in a ceramic bowl on his dresser. We were both distraught and magically it reappeared! She is very jealous of our nuclear family which isn't her fault. She hasn't tried very hard to fit into the picture tho and we've tried very hard to help her. I switched her room and my bs10 around and she lost it when she came over! His room is bigger now and I bought him new furniture. She throws the biggest fits she can and everyone just rolls their eyes. Last time she was here and she pulled this stealing and deflecting stuff, I took my bedhead products and exfoliater that I'm sure she's been using out of the shower. She actually got out of the running shower in a towel to come yell at me and her dad about it! I said if you don't respect me then you won't use my things any more. You will not walk on me and be rude. She yelled and said I'm rude to everyone and she's sick of it. I was like whateverrr and rejoicing that she was leaving the next day for who knows how long. I tried so much harder in the past to connect with her but like you said they only need you when it's convenient. When they just want something from you. I've never withheld products like that - I've been merciful about her stealing and still allowing her to use my beauty products so this was a big power move for me and it worked! She went in her room to call BM as usual and instead of being all loud she was actually kind of whispering. She was like "she made me use the suave shampoo" it was classic. She needs to know that while I've been very gracious it's time for her to know that she's burning this bridge and I really mean business now.
I felt like I was losing my mind a year ago. This site helped me so much to gain insight and empower myself to rise above this angry, manipulative child who still tries to intimidate me and infiltrate our household with the toxic venom BM feeds her. Thank God I learned how to set real boundaries and stand up for myself. I was too afraid fo assert myself and I didn't have the strength and willpower to help DH see where his fathers guilt was holding our little family back. SD is a known disrespectful lying thief in our home and to most who know her. Still, we love her and we do share many good moments together with her despite the direction her character is heading. That's unconditional love and that's detachment-not letting her suffering dictate our lives.

she may or may not grow out of the mental and emotional prison BM has confined her to but we will continue to be a stable force in her life should she ever wake up and smell the coffee.

My SD61 has been stealing my stuff for 50+ years.   She steals from others, too, and shoplifts.  When I know she's coming, I hide my purse and any valuables that are left.  DH85, who hates to admit she's a thief, hides his wallet, too.  When my  BS and DIL were staying here for awhile, she went thru their stuff altho she didn't take anything.  He installed cameras.  I'd warn them when I knew she was coming so DIL could hide her rx.

She despises me altho she.maintains an outward loving persona.  But, I know how she really feels, she's jealous of DH's love for me.  Altho I was a mother figure when she lived here as a teen, I've now disengaged and  I maintain a civil and polite relationship with her for DH's sake.

Due to her thieving, she has no friends for any length of time and her siblings distance themselves from her.   She was divorced by 2 good men.   She spent all her daughter, M's, college fund causing  M to fund her education thru student lians.  So now, M and her children have only a distant relationship with her.  I hope all of SD's thefts have made her happy because it's cost her all her relationships, except for DH85.

File charges,

My Sd's used to steal toilet paper and take it to their BMs house. I guess BM wasn't there enough to grocery shop and buy stuff like TP. I told DH to tell his daughters that they need to remind their mom to buy TP. If she still doesn't buy food or TP, DH needs to call child protective services. That about took care of that. Suddenly, the mega pack of TP in the hall closet wasn't pillaged anymore. 

LOL. These skids have the worst mothers.