Why do we take full responsibility?
Why do I have to raise someone else's child on my own? On top of it, why do I get looked down on when I complain or want to have a life of my own? Since when does being a stepparent mean having the life sucked out of you by not only your stepchild but your significant other? I did not sign up for this. I supported my husband and was more than happy to help him out if he got full custody, not raise his child for him and his ex wife. I work, pay half of every bill, cook, clean, do the laundry, iron, go through homework hell, take ss to do/see cool things, discipline ss when husband doesn't feel like it, transport ss around like a taxi cab...and for what? I feel like a live in cook, babysitter and punching bag. My ss doesn't respect me and by the looks of it neither does my husband. I am so tired. I read steptalk every day and love that there are people that feel the same way.
I have been so depressed and have had so much pent up anger that I feel I may have a stroke any day now. Last night I had it. My husband and I had a wonderful weekend together. I was so happy yesterday. I came home after work and waited for my husband and ss to get home. They pulled up and I greeted them and told step son I was going to need his help with the dog because he always does such a great job helping me. We were going to go to Petsmart & Target and usually SS9 likes helping me with the puppy. SS says he has homework to finish, so I told him he could finish it later. SS, 9 years old, starts crying tears and walks into the house, so I hesitate to let husband see what the hell is going on and he doesn't. So I called ss9 back out and told him that if he wanted to cry he could go lay down in his room. My husband looks at me like I was bitch of the year. My husband says "I think he wanted to finish his homework", really? 9 year old boy crying because I put his homework on hold? I told husband that he could go run the errands for his son and I would just go to Petsmart by myself. After Petsmart, I went home and asked my husband if he wanted to talk, I told him I did not want to argue. Instead he tells me to shut up and that I really didn't want to push the issue. I told him that I was sick of taking care of him and his brat of a son when I get no appreciation in return. While I am saying this, he is saying whatever, bye. I got my puppy and some things and went to my Moms for the night. My husband didn't call, this morning, I went to take my puppy home and my husband left to take ss9 to school (which made him 2 hours late for work because thats "my job") and he didn't even look at me, he pretended I wasn't there. Of course ss9 seemed like today was the happiest day of his life and wanted a hug (of course that is normal behavior after someone leaves the house after a fight). I haven't talked to my husband at all. WTF?
id like to hear some advice
id like to hear some advice on this too csong40....im in the same boat as you...you give and give and they take and take, with absolutely no appreciation in return..im at my witts end with bf, and his 2 young kids....we are having alot of problems because of the way i feel...guess we arent allowed to have feelings and want alone time.....they arent our kids...and all the time, we are accepting of them..but we went to bed without kids and woke up with one thats half grown....how is a person to act in that situation???? im with you here honey...im at a dead end..ive ran out of things to do or say...nothing i do is good enough or right.
thanks for your reply. im
thanks for your reply. im glad im not alone. i am seriously parenting a child that isn't mine. i am just so frustrated that my dh acts this way. my husband is always working and bm never sees ss9. if ss9 acted right, didn't disrespect me and acted like a 9 year old, i would have no problems. i love when my husband says "go ahead and discipline him when im not here", then i do and then its "you are picking on my son", so then he says to tell him everything and he'll take care of it, and then its "you are picking on my son, you are tattletaleing". i can never freaking win. i wish i wouldn't have been the one to do this but i broke down on my lunch break and called him and he didn't answer so i texted him asking if we were going to talk tonight and i got no response. he is acting like everything is my fault. i can't take this crap anymore. you would think that they would be appreciative of the things we do!!!
I only read the first paragraph
Since I only read the first paragraph I can only tell you that your job is a thankless one and will probably remain so or even get worse.
You can quit. Here's what I did:
I wrote this a long time ago and I hope this helps with your problem. It may not reflect your exact situation but you'll get the idea:
The situation with my step-kids finally got to the point where I decided that my efforts to raise them was futile.
First I told my wife in private what I was going to do and why.
Then I stopped investing myself, time and money in their upbringing. I realized that by conscious choice I could cease being responsible for them or their actions. Neither would I take credit for how they turned out, good or bad. I simply stopped interfering in their lives. This is not to say if they would start a fire on the living room floor I would not intervene. But if they did not do the laundry as scheduled I ignored it. Nor did I do any of their chores. If the trash overflowed in the kitchen - well tough. Mom dealt with it when she got home.
You will be absolutely amazed at the look on a kids face when s/he realizes you don't care enough to even tell their bio-parent they did something wrong. And you'll be amazed at their future behavoir and attitude towards you.
I stayed friendly enough and taught one how to drive when she was old enough. But they could no longer blame me for the consequences of misbehaving just because I saw the misbehavoir. I never told. If they were caught in a infraction it was not my fault. They began to realize that they were responsible for their actions because of what they did not because I caught them.
I would talk to my wife in private if I had issues, but once she made the decision I backed her up 100%.
Once the kids realized I was no longer the ogre they thought I was their attitude changed. I was not their friend, but neither was I the enemy. They came to realize that I had not done those things to irritate them. They in fact missed the things that they had come to depend on me doing. Permission to go to the mall when their Mom was not home? "Sorry, can't do that".
Their mother slowly came to realize that I wasn't overreacting to their actions. In fact I wasn't reacting at all. She came to understand that she would have to control the situation and she did.
With that things got much easier around the house.
Billions of kids grew up in the world without help from me and turned out just fine.
*********************
There's an exception to everything I say.
It's Just Wrong
...for your DH to expect that you are going to embrace the roll of loving and caring for a child that isn't yours and then keep on getting dumped on by him for doing it in a way he doesn't like.
I don't mean to do a bunch of arm chair picking apart of your relationship with DH, but there are some things that stand out to me. The title of your post alone about taking full responsibility is very telling. Then I read in your post that you are letting your DH make you feel bad for the way you treat his son, and also that you seem to have been forced into playing the role HE wants you to play. These sound like control issues to me. Why are you taking full responsibility for something that is NOT your responsibility? There is some quote or other that says people treat you how you want to be treated. Do you keep sending the message to your DH that he can treat you like the house elf? Sorry, but the way he doesn't talk to your or return your call like a reasonable person is not only terribly immature, but a big fat control issue. Always remember that nobody can treat you like crud without your permission. Expect better and stand up for yourself when you need to.
CSong 40
You know... I have to question everyone on this...
WHY would a 9 year old boy cry about having his homework put off? That is odd. Is he feeling extra stress at school?
WHY did you react the way you did? Annoyed, instead of concerned, because it is odd behavior. That's not a judgment... it's really just a question. Is he always like that? And the other thing is, you said SS likes helping you with the puppy and does a "great job". So it's even more curious that he would rather do homework than do anything with the puppy.
WHY did your husband react the way he did? Did he think you were too harsh? Did he also think it was odd and did that cause him worry? Did you really expect your husband to talk to you or call after you spent the night at your mom's? Over this?
This example that you wrote, in my own humble opinion, is one of those little instances that can go OH SO WRONG just in an instant and all because of miscommunication.
It's sad... but it shouldn't be the end of the world. You guys need to figure out the WHY's.
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
Hey Stick. It is an odd
Hey Stick. It is an odd behavior and a behavior that happens regularly. We've been to counseling with ss9 and after 6 months and my DH feels that his son is fine (even though the therapist thinks he has some personality disorders on top of ADHD). My DH doesn't think its a problem, ss9 "is just a kid". No, he is not feeling stress at school. He actually had a great week and has been doing great on his homework.
I reacted annoyed because when I say this kind of thing happens every day, I mean it happens EVERY DAY. It's exhausting. Seriously, why is a 9 year old boy crying like a baby? All I asked him to do was help me with the dog instead of homework (in front of his father, his father even joked that I didn't ask him) I know its odd, his father thinks its fine.
My husband thinks I pick on his child. Telling him to go lay down in his room if he wants to cry is not harsh by any means. Who knows why he was crying, when we ask, he says he doesn't know. I kind of wanted to leave this out, but when I was trying to talk to my husband and he looked at me and told me to shut the fuck up and get out, I thought it was appropriate that I left, I don't need to be talked to like a piece of crap. I didn't really leave over this, its been a build up of things. I've been telling him how I feel for almost a year now, its just gotten really bad in the last few months.
CSong, In my own humble opinion,
It sounds to me that your SS has some real personality disorders, and DH is trying to hide his head in the sand about it. It's a hard pill for a person to swallow, that their child might have personality disorders. DH could be ashamed, embarrassed, and taking that as a reflection of HIM, as a person and a parent.
That leaves you stuck. Ugh. I'm sorry.
DH is the key to this. He's the one that needs to wake up and HELP HIS SON before it's too late.
If a counselor says the kid has personality disorders, chances are THEY ARE RIGHT!!
I know that sometimes we can all over-diagnose ourselves and others. It is very dangerous to label and to do.
But there is a problem here. You are right... You don't need to be talked to like that, or treated like that. DH needs to apologize and needs to wake up.
What do you think - if anything - would be the thing to wake him up or at least make him see that SS just might need a little more help?? Do you think you could go to the counselor alone for a session to see what they can say? To see if they can help you to help DH understand that this needs rectifying?
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
Ugh
DH doesn't want to try to work things out. We don't have any kids together so we just have to sell the house. We have only been married for 3 months (been together for 3 1/2 years). I am devastated. This is not what I wanted, I wanted to try to work things out. WTF was I thinking?
Csong, I'm so sorry!
But you know what? A guy who would bail on your after 3 mo of marriage for THIS -- well, he's just not worth it.
Stay strong. If he's really going to divorce you, you're better off without someone so faithless who can't value your contributions to HIS son.
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)
Don't back down. He may just
Don't back down. He may just be testing you to see if you will back down. If you break up who is going to watch his kid? Can he afford a sitter doing all you do? I would stand your ground. I think he knows you don't want this and expects you to cave. I would just say fine and see what happens, I have a feeling he will cave first.
BTW, how did the
BTW, how did the conversation go? What was said that led to this?
We had the situation that I
We had the situation that I wrote in the initial post (about me getting annoyed that he lets his son cry about nothing). I left and stayed at my mom's for the night (Mon night). The next day I called him at lunch time and he didn't answer, so I texted him asking if we were going to talk that night, didn't get a text back. I went home after work and asked him if we were going to talk and he said he didn't want to, that the relationship wasn't worth saving and that it was over. He refused to talk so I went over my dad's for a little bit and came home around 10pm and tried to talk again, he said some really mean things (that I really don't want to type), and told me that we were going to sell the house. So I said that I understand that he doesn't want to work things out and that I wanted to be civil and didn't understand why we had to be mean to each other. I stayed the night on the couch that night (Tuesday night), didn't go to sleep, thought about things, did some crying and when he woke up for work, I tried to talk to him again and he said it was over, not to do anything for his son when his son woke up and said that I could stay in the house since I pay half (so it tells you right there that he can't make it without me just on the house alone, which is why I made the decision to leave and he could stay and pay)(Wednesday morning). Then if you read below, Wednesday after work he apologizes like nothing happened.
CSONG
Honey, I am so sorry to read about this. I am hoping by the time you get a chance to answer, things will be straightened out.
How are you?
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
So Much To Write About
I am ok today. The last 2 days I was not. DH came home and apologized yesterday after I had to leave work because I could not keep it together. He seemed sincere and said he was a total ass for acting the way he did but HE was not ready to talk yet. WTF? He wasn't ready to talk? Screw that. He tried to hug me and I backed him off. I told him that I could not look at him the same right now, that I trusted him and that I never thought that he would do this to me. I was at our house (that I pay half of) when he got home because I was going to tell him that I was moving out until we sold the house and he could pay for everything until the house was sold. He asked if I could please take some time and think about things and said he would totally understand if I left for good. He did admit that he realizes what his son is doing and that he hasn't been the best parent. I think it basically smacked him in the face when he told ss9 that we were over and ss9 was "good with it" (BIG SHOCK). Why in the world would he tell his child that if he wasn't sure that we are really done? I don't even want to get into that. He now wants to go to therapy and fix things. To be honest, I don't know if I want to. Ive asked time and time again to go back to therapy and he said no. I am staying at my Mom's house and I am really taking my time to think about things. The situation is not healthy for any of us. I am only 27 years old and can not live the rest of my life like I have for the last 2 years, I really thought it was going to get better and for my husband to jump the gun so quickly has really made me look at things so differently. He said the night before last that he didn't need me and that he was sick of people (his family & friends and my family) acting like I am his savior. Ok, so do it on your own then. No, he can not afford the house, electric, water, food, day care, insurance, cell phone, and tv/internet on his own. To be honest, this has opened my eyes and now I feel more resentful and used. And I have thought that maybe he is apologizing just because he can't do it on his own and won't have someone to watch his child, so I am totally confused. I am not going to cave. This is not what I wanted, but now that I left I am realizing that it may be for the best. I am very hurt and angry right now.
If I wrote everything...
If I wrote everything that happened since Monday it would be a 50 page post. I apologize if some things are unclear. I really appreciate being able to vent on here. Its just hard because no one really knows the background of my relationship or the background of my ss9 because I rarely post, theres just too much to say, lol.
"you want something to cry about???"
THAT was what my mom used to say to me whenever I cried for no reason. And that is exactly what I say to SD9 when she cries for no legitimate reason. CSong, I too am the major breadwinner in my home. (Or at least I was until the economy dropped out from under me) DH's CS order takes a massive chunk out of our income and I pay the mortgage and all of my personal bills. DH pays for all utilities, all his personal bills and for a share of groceries.
However, if I were to throw in the towel, DH would not be able to afford living in our home.
I have realized that whenever I retreat and completely disengage from the SM role, my DH snaps back to reality very quickly. He is very aware that not too many women would want to deal with such a situation.
He needs me more than I need him. It's messed up to say that, but it is what it is.
Stick to your guns Csong, if you are meant to be with this man, then he will make the necessary adjustments to find a happy balance.
Hahaha, Ive heard that once or twice!!!
I knew I couldn't cry for no reason when I was little, lol, I had "the fear" (which most children these days don't have). I just can't believe that this is what broke the camels back. SS9 is working it and my DH didn't see it until he saw that ss9 was happy when he heard the news. If BM acutually paid child support or took ss9 when she was supposed to, DH could make it on his own, but guess what, she doesn't, she has never made a child support payment and never sees ss9. I did disengage from the SM role and it made my DH resent me. I guess he didn't think that I would actually remove myself from the situation. DH on the other hand seems to think that any woman would do the things I do for him and his son. At this point, please, go ahead and find another one. I am sticking to my guns. Like you said, if its meant to be it will be.
CSong - Just be careful...
All I want you to do is BE CAREFUL. Neither YOU nor your DH is 100% right here.
The problem that I see, over and over and over again, is situations like this that spiral out of control.
Yes, I am very glad that you have some anger in you, to help protect you from some further hurt, and to give you some strength. That is great.
BUT please don't let your anger blind you to "your part" in this. It's NOT all YOU. It's NOT all your DH. I firmly and fully believe that, even though I don't "know the whole story".
I am glad you are going to counseling. And I am glad that DH has realized what part his son is playing in all of this. That's a big one!! You don't know... he may have told his son about you 2 being done to gauge his reaction, and see if you are right! Not a great way to handle things... but that may have been why he did that. Having seen his son's reaction may have finally lit the little light bulb on in his head.
I'm all for you standing up for yourself. I'm not all for you (or any of us) standing up for ourselves for the wrong reasons, or without compassion.
Please, honey, listen to me. IF YOU WANT TO SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE... get a hold on "go ahead and find another one". Yes, it's great to know for your own personal "salvation" so to speak. But what it also does is put a wall up between you two. And could hurt your progress. Don't think he can't find another one. HE CAN. So be ready to say that when you don't care that he can.
And finally, I wanted to note that your husband said "He was sick of people acting like he is their savior". That's a pretty telling statement to his frame of mind. I wouldn't just discard that, if I were you.
Best of luck to you honey. No matter what happens, whether you want this to work or not, we'll all be here for you!!!
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
Thanks. The part about the
Thanks. The part about the savior thing...He is sick of everyone telling him that I am his savior (not that he is everyone else's savior). And the part about him finding someone else, I know he could and I've never said that to him, that was just a vent on steptalk. I try my hardest not to say things I don't mean in the heat of things. I also understand that things are never just 1 person's fault. These issues have been building for a llllloooonnnngggg time and he's overlooked what I was feeling or talking about, I just think it hit him when I left and he had no one there to take care of ss9. We will see what happens, I just need some time. I've had 2 other outs in the past and questioned why I didn't take them which is why this decision is wearing on me so much. I really love my husband, I just don't like what our family had become.
Csong, SCREW HIM!!!!
Seriously, after reading all the CRAP he put you through in all of this, I would stay away. He is an emotional abuser. Telling you he was through, all that crap, completely refusing to talk to you other than just saying really hateful things, etc. NO ONE deserves that. You are absolutely right to feel used and like you can't trust him anymore.
What I WANT to say is, divorce his sorry a**. But I will hold back from saying that. Instead I'll say this:
Stay with your mom indefinitely. Let him pay the bills, like you said. Let him take care of his son for a while, without you. Give it a month or two, or even three. One of two things will happen. One, he will totally get what an a** he has been, get his butt into therapy, and fall all over himself changing completely to win you back. If this is what he does, wait him out, because you'll want to make absolutely sure that this is a REAL change that lasts, rather than just a ruse to get you back taking care of his kid and helping him with the bills. If it's just a ruse, he'll revert back to his old ways once you go back.
The other thing that might happen is that when you say you're staying away indefinitely, he will show his true colors, and go back and forth between pleading for you to come back, and when you refuse, flying into a rage and berating you. This is because he will feel like he can't control you, and will be trying anything he can to get you under his control again.
My gut feeling on this is that you'll decide to leave him. There's another woman on this site -- October8 -- who doesn't come around much anymore, who went through a lot of what you're going through. A few months ago, she finally had enough and left her DH. She is now divorced and happier than she's ever been. She's a model for anyone with an emotionally abusive spouse, I think. The things she used to write about her husband saying sound almost word for word like the things yours says to you.
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)
I wouldn't say "screw him," but...
bell says "There's another woman on this site -- October8 -- who doesn't come around much anymore, who went through a lot of what you're going through. A few months ago, she finally had enough and left her DH. She is now divorced and happier than she's ever been."
I am another woman who can say breaking away from a bad thing turns out to be the best thing ever. There are a hundred reasons not to go. In my case, I tried 3 times to leave, but was begged to stay. The 4th time, he fell for another woman and wanted me gone. The year of misery I felt during and after the divorce seemed like it would never end, but it sure did. I found the best parts of myself after leaving a relationship that seemed to never bring out the good in either of us. My DH now is amazing, remarkable, wonderful and loving. There are many times I still don't feel like I deserve all the happiness I have with him. Then I say, well, wait a minute, I have to take the SS too, so it all balances out!
Csong, I wish you all the strength and clarity you'll need in this difficult time.
It is very easy for me to
It is very easy for me to say that I won't go back, that Im angry, ect. I am going to stay with my Mom, but if I decide to go back, it will not be for a couple of months. A change needs to be made before I would ever consider going back. I am scared. I think I am scared because I know I will be happier if I leave.
CSong
If you think you will be happier if you leave.. then the only next question I would ask is ...
Would you be happier due to relief from getting out of the situation? Short term happier? Are you sure it's not a grass is greener type of thing?
Or would you really really be happier? No more pressure? No more ss drama? No more DH in your life not respecting you? Can you see yourself getting up solo and having a whole day and just being OVERALL happier??
I responded the way I did above because all too often I see people very angry lose someone they love because they not thinking for long term.
But if you have had 2 chances to get out and now are sorry you didn't take them... well, I hope that counseling can help you see what the best path for you is.
Either way girl... just know that we will all remain here for YOU!
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
I wanted to thank everyone
I wanted to thank everyone for their comments. I haven't read this since I posted the last comment. I can't believe my relationship got to that point. We are back in therapy as a family. SS9 actually admitted in our first session that he does have a problem with me. I am not sure what the problem is yet, but we are working through it and making progress. I have completely disengaged and it's working. My DH is acting like a father and a husband and things couldn't be better. My ss isn't being as disrespectful as he was, he does the normal 9 year old crap so I can't be mad at that. My DH is actually taking time out for me and is also taking care of everything for his son (including discipline, yay). I am so less stressed!!! Anyway, I really appreciate the comments and all of it was good advice.
CSong - I'm so happy to hear
CSong - I'm so happy to hear that you are less stressed and that your husband is treating you better. And that your SS is treating you better!
Isn't it amazing how we get into these situations and then look back at them and see the progress... or at least, see it with different eyes?
I'm just really happy for you!!
Cheers girl.
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***