ANY ADVICE WELCOME
Hello,
I am new to this. I am looking for help. I will lay out my story and all advice is welcome. My wife and I have been together for about 10 years. When I met her she had her son from a previous marriage. Her son had never met his dad and he was 5 when I met him. I have raised him since and he calls me dad and we had a great relationship. A few key points. Before my wife met me he was severely abused by an ex-boyfriend of hers and she was abused as well. When my stepson was about 9 my wife and I had a child together, and another 18 months later. My stepson is now 15 years old and he is emotionally and mentally delayed. Here is the rough part,..... about 2 months ago I walked in on him sexually molesting my 5 year old and found out that he has been physically, emotionally and mentally abusing him for I don't know how long. When I found this out I moved him out of our house to live with his grandma and got him counseling. My stepson does not really care about what he did and my wife is somewhat in denial. She is now making trips up to see him 2-3 nights a week my little ones are wondering where mommy goes and my wife is telling me how bad she feels for our stepson. When I remind her about what he has done to our children she tells me what he went through and how bad she feels for him. I am very angry with him. My wife is taking him out to eat and to the movies every night she is up there. She is buying him games and books etc. I keep getting upset with her telling her that he is not on a pleasure trip and needs to stop coddling him. She gets mad and tells me that I am making her choose. She keeps threatening to leave us and move up there and she is also pregnant with our 3 child together. Oh yeah....she keeps telling me that her goal is to get our stepson back in the house but with 2 little ones and a 3 on the way I am not too comfortable with that. My marriage is getting torn apart and I am feeling like an asshole even though I am pretty sure I am right in this situation..... Any advice?
I'm with you.....he wouldn't
I'm with you.....he wouldn't be anywhere near any other children...especially mine. Were charges were pressed against him? I'm assuming not...I don't think your wife would charge her own son. I'm not sure what I'd do in that situation...
I'm sure she is acting out of an incredible amout of guilt!!
Feeling responsible for exposing/subjecting her son to such abuse at the hands of her BF......and now watching the cycle repeat itself..through him.
You said you have 15 yr old in counselling.. What about 5 yr old? and the other child?
I honestly ...don't think your going to get through to your wife..without some serious counselling for her as well. I assume...There's sooooooo much guilt..that you have to dig through..you're (she's) going to need help....
I'm with you, though....he must not return to live with the other children, ever. You can't be there every second to supervise...he is much older and just his presence in the house would mess me up if I were only 5 years old and defenceless.
If the choice is she leaves or he comes back...see ya! But only if you can get custody of the other children. I don't mean to sound harsh...leaving someone is not an easy thing to do...but you have to stop this cycle..before it gets any worse..and the 5 yr old continues this horrible cycle!!!! YOU have to strong for them...
first I want to say that I
first I want to say that I am so sorry for your situation. This has got to be one of the hardest things you will ever go through.
I agree with lovin-life in that ALL of you will need to talk to someone. You must not run away from the 15 year old, he needs you now more than ever. How you handle this and how you work this out with him will affect his future forever!!! I certainly agree with you that he cannot be coddled and should not be spoiled with gifts and fun, this is a serious matter and if you as parents do not help him he will be doomed for a life of torment.
It is not easy to know the right thing to do and it is hard to accept him into your home after this, but he is still your son and he still needs your love. He is a product of a past that is haunting him and if justice was not served to the exboyfriend who did this to him, then he does not associate a consequence with the action. I do not know the history and if there was counceling for him at the time, but if it was not dealt with he is suffering from it now. Don't let this chance pass by to do the right thing for him, he deserves a chance to have a normal life. He is still a child and he still needs direction from his parents. No matter how much guilt your wife has, she has to know that he needs HELP, not gifts and good times, what happened cannot be ignored and forgotten.
If she loves him she has to face the truth with him.
I know the pain you feel is much deeper than the love for him, but find it in your heart to at least help him and be there for him. Sure, there are consequences, but making him feel completely unaccepted will not help him in the end.
I'm so sorry!!!
I can't believe this is happening! I am so sorry for you and your children.
My advice is to first consult a therpaist immediately. Your wife is in total denial, b/c she doesn't want to face the guilt of subjecting her son to abuse before. As a result, her other children are going to pay the price.
If I were in your shoes, I would definitely get the abuse your 5 year old face documented (i.e. doctor, police, counselor). Based on our experience, fathers just don't have heavy weight in a courtroom, and you need a mountain pile of documentation to prove you are the best parent for the children to live with, in the event you face divorce (sorry I don't want to sound pesismistic).
Second, if your wife continues to be in denial, and you guys face separation, DO NOT LET HER LEAVE YOUR HOUSE WITH YOUR CHILDREN!! That is the first sign to the courts that fathers don't want custody. If the time comes and you are faced with separation, RUN to the court house and file temporary custody, and make HER move out without your children. If you let her leave with the kids, in the courts eyes, you didn't really want custody, you just don't want to pay child support.
Third, consult an attorney now...by yourself and seek their advice. You are in a bad position, your wife is in total denial, and your children depend on you being diligent to protect them. If your wife were to leave, and she would get custody (which is so easy for women) your children are going to be subjected to the 15 year olds abuse. Don't tell your wife, just go to an attorney now, get some advice on how to document the abuse, and exactly what you need to do to protect your children from being ripped from your home.
I'm sorry to sound so negative, but the courts just really don't give a shit about the children, and it wouldn't surprise me if she won custody with an abusive 15 year old. I hope your 5 year old is in counseling, along with yourself. I'm so sorry, and I truly hope that I have helped you.
And no, you are not an asshole for protecting your children. You are doing the right thing. My best to you and please keep us posted!
This is tough...
Man, I feel for you.
Have you considered taking the ENTIRE family into counseling TOGETHER? I would suggest you find a family counselor that will take each of you aside, as well as have a family session. When I was little, I had emotional scaring from my StepDad- which still haunt me today, and I'm 34! He didn't want me around and thought that I was an obsticle to his relationship... which was after all, my mother. Anyway, he was bi-polar, and he was extremely difficult to get along with, went through major mood swings- some of which resulted in violent outbursts, and sometimes entailed physical abuse for both my mom and me. Eventually, my mother sent me away to live with my dad, after years and years of pleading with both my parents, and she did eventually divorce my stepdad. But, during the course of that, we went to a family therapy office, and that was what turned my blind mother's eye. The counselors first took us as a family, had a family session to basically "watch" reactions, and get a feel for what was happening, then we each had seperate individual sessions also during the same week. It was a pretty intense session and alot came out of it. By the end of the week, we would have another family session again. My mother was in such denial. They really helped, and reality set in.
So, I wish you much hope, support, but please seek some help. I gravely suggest that everyone needs counseling... even if you think you don't, you do.
I know what you are going
I know what you are going through my husband and i have been in a similar situation and the whole thing made me very sick to my stomach-
your stepson is probably doing what was being done to him- my son is seeing a counselor and this is what he told me they only do it for two reasons 1- curious and 2- it has been done to him-
your stepson needs to see a counselor- and be put into a program- a program where they will work with him and the family-
i know it is tough but you have to be strong and you have to convince your wife that counseloring is the best thing.
and your wife needs to be apart of it too-it almost destroyed us but we went to counselor- believe me there was a lot of hurt feelings guilty feelings that were going on- but by not going to counseling will just continue the cycle.
the cycle needs to be broken- for your child and hers-
I wish you all the luck and stay strong-
I tried to believe everthing happens for a reason- don't know what it is but you and your family will be in my thoughts and my prayers.
Good luck.
REMEMBER, THIS IS COMING FROM A BIO MOM!!!
FIRST AND FOREMOST:
Please, for the sake of those little girls, DO NOT let your stepson anywhere near them!!
SECONDLY:
Report this incident to the proper authorities.
THIRDLY:
You allegiance should lie with those little girls!!! Period.
Listen, I am a BIOMOM only! I have no steps, okay? My son is 17 years old and has been a pretty good kid (so far). I say "so far" because one never knows. No one can ever say "not my kid" and be 100% sure....
But I will tell you this....IF it were MY son that did what your "step" son did, I myself would have reported him immediately. No question in my mind. And your allegience to those little ones is not because they are "yours" and "he" isn't. Its about the mental stability of everyone concerned. Just think about it for a moment. Those kids are only what?...5 or 7 years old? They look to you for their security. That is what a parent/guardian etc. does. That is why God gave us these children. To protect, love and secure their lives. What will become of them? How will they grow up because of what has happened to them? Just "GOOGLE" child molestation and read from adult survivors who were sexually abused by family members at very early ages. They suffer even today.
And as for your "step" son, he needs to face the consequences of his actions!!! Period!! He is NOT, nor will he ever be an innocent child in this matter. He knew exactly what he was doing!! He knew it was wrong. And now he knows he can get away with it again, should he ever try it on someone else's child. Does your wife want to deal with a knock on the door from police coming to tell her that her son is wanted in the rape of another little girl? Or would she rather face this now, with your support? Because if you do read the stories I suggested, you will know that people who sexually molest CHILDREN are not likely to recover from that desire!!
Please, report him immediately. Not because these are YOUR girls, but because they are CHILDREN!!
And if your wife doesn't want to hear it, just print out this response. Maybe coming from a BIO with a 17 yr old son saying that I would turn in my own son, she can think twice about it.
I mean, I feel for her. She has to be so torn by this. After all, they are all her children. She may feel that her son deserves some type of understanding. After all, the little ones also have you where her son is hers, and hers alone. Whether you were there from the beginning of raising the boy or not, she is defensive and is very stuck in the middle. And the guilt she feels, I understand. A divorced mom, who intended to rear her children in a two parent loving environment, feels guilty because that didn't happen the first time around. And she feels guilty, as though she has somehow raised him to be this unsettling and sick young man. But in referring back to some of those articles, it is not about the way a kid is raised in every situation. And besides, she did provide him with a Dad. YOU! And if she cannot see what a wonderful mother she is, maybe she should consider what a wonderful man she has married! Not many men would be here asking your painful questions. They would be in jail for murdering their step son! God bless your heart.
With compassion,
Janice
He does need a father figure...
I also agree with Janice as well as everyone who posted here and just wanted to add something I forgot to mention earlier. I don't know why, but it bothers me that you make reference to 'your' girls as your own, and 'her' son as hers, when at first you stated that you had a great relationship and he calls you Dad. But I just get this notion that the moment you find he is acting out on 'your' daughters (which I agree is awful, but let's not forget him in this too...), you seem to withdrawal from him and now he is 'her' son... if this is making sense? It just sounds to me like you just shipped him off and abandoned him, which is just as cruel as what he did to his sisters on a mental/emotional note.
Let's erase the double standard of having "your" kids vs "her" son and show him what a true man/father should be and do, as he calls you. I really think that this is going to take the efforts from all fronts to help you "solve" this delimma. It's not something you can just snap your fingers with and hope it goes away.
I could be wrong, but that's what I gathered, and I think right now, everyone in your family needs help. I do wish you the best.
RE: ALL ADVICE APPRECIATED
Thank you all for all of your advice so far. It has illuminated many different views to the situation I am in. I welcome any other responses as well because it truly does help. In response to the last 2 responses. The little ones are 5 and 3 1/2 and they are boys.... this is what makes this even more disturbing. Also I have raised My stepson since he was 5 and whenever I speak of him I call him my son. I still speak with him I am just very angry and it is very hard to talk with him knowing what he did and hearing no remorse at all from him. He gets mad that we are making him go to a different school and mad that he is not with his friends with us. Not once has he made mention that he feels bad about what he has done. I have always been there for him and have always taken care of him. In fact I have had a better relationship with him than my wife does. The fact still remains that I am very upset. Just as he is her first born My abused boy is my first born. When this first happened I called DCF, and the police and made a report. I than immediately put all involved into counseling. We go 3-4 times a week. I am just very upset, mad, sad and torn....... I am trying my best to keep my family going..... I love my wife very much. I don't want to lose her either.