You have A LOT on your plate!!! What are the counselors saying as far as his re-entry into the house is concerned? Is it your position that you don’t ever want him to come back into the home or that he can try to re-enter the home when a professional believes that he is ready to do so? I think it is your stance on this that is going to be the #1 issue…he has about 3 years until he is 18 and with him being developmentally delayed, it is unlikely that he will be ready to be on his own at that age…how severe is his disability?

Hmmmm…I guess as a outsider looking in…I would say that if you want to save both your family and your marriage, you will have to come to an agreement with your wife on when he can re-enter the home b/c it doesn’t sound like the “if” part is a question for her…of course, things will have to drastically change and he would NEVER be allowed to be alone with is siblings b/c they deserve to be protected from him first and foremost!!!!…but if/when the professional says he is ready (realizing that they may NEVER say he is ready/capable and that is something that your wife will have to deal with/realize) the two of you should devise a plan to give it a try…like I said it likely that he may never be ready and this approach can help “stall” your wife from making any drastic decisions while keeping him out of the house and keeping the children safe from him.

If you are fine with divorcing your wife, then that is another issue and another tactic b/c what you will be deciding then is how much time she is allowed to have, visitation wise with the 3 children and where their brother will be when that visitation is taking place….

What your wife is likely feeling is that you are asking her to abandon her child for the sake of her other children….she is a mother and it is unlikely that she is going to be wiling or able to do that….she wants to love/shelter ALL of her children and she is in a VERY difficult place right now…the emotions of being pregnant and knowing that her first born, her baby, is a sexual predator and that she has to protect her kids from him and protect him at the same time….this is a hard time for both of you b/c you both have the ABSOLUTE OBLIGATION to protect your kids from being sexually abused!!!

I’m curious to get more information on the details….this is HEAVY STUFF and my heart goes out to you and your children!

Make a GREAT Day!

The other component here is that your wife must feel an incredible amount of guilt about this situation. Her son was severely abused by someone she let into her life and home. She probably sees that terrified and broken little boy that was abused by HER BF and feels a tremendous amount of pain and guilt. Now in effect, she's brought another molestor into her home to abuse one of her children. I'm sure she feels an enormous sense of reponsiblity for this situation even if she appears to be in denial.

Most molestors have been molested themselves. When you walked in on your SS, that was not the beginning of the story. She knows that she left her son unprotected and that's why she's trying to "make it up to him" with the treats and presents.

As the mother of a 14 year old son, who towers over me, I know that when I look at him I don't see someone who is almost grown. I see the vulnerable little boy that almost didn't make it home from the hosiptal. Sometimes I indulge him because I remember back to that time. My DH just sees a big overgrown kid being fussed over by his doting mom!

Your wife knows that the other children have you to love and care for them but who else does her son have? She is in crisis mode and her natural reaction is to protect her son, the one that has no one else. The one she didn't protect before.

Jaydog, take care of your babies and give your wife time. She is not thinking rationally now. Support her in going to see him. He is sick - he has issues. She cannot turn her back on him. How can he be remorseful? Did anything happen to the person that did those horrible things to him? Did anyone ever apologize to him? Unfortunately, he is simply acting out what he has been taught.

The more you attack her son, the more she will protect him. Take care of her too. She is carrying your child. If you are a believer, pray for your family. She's right, don't make her choose.

Nise & Goldenlife,

You guys are amazing and your messages were so compassionate. I really admire the softness and kindness in your hearts that you have expressed to Jaydog.

Jaydog - you need these kind of people to help you, take to heart what they say, they are mothers who can understand what your wife is going through and what she needs from you as a husband. You sound like someone who truely does not want your marriage to end and wants help to make it work.

This happened to me as a child by a family member and when my Dad found out about it years later he never said one word to me. I love my Dad, but the one thing I wished he would have done was look at me or say "sorry", something!!! Hug your kid as tight as you can and tell him that YOU are sorry and that you love him and this does not change anything about who he is. Maybe you have already done that...
Talk to him about it, do not hesitate because it is uncomfortable.
He needs to know that what his older brother did was wrong and that you acknowledge that. All I wanted was acknowledgement from my father that he thought what happened to me was wrong, I wanted his arms around me protecting me. You sound like a great father who gives this kind of love to your children!!!

I also think that you should be understanding toward your wife for all the reasons listed above.
But I also think that you should not have a goal of getting him back into the house. If she wants to go visit him and do whatever she does with him, don't even worry about it. Let her. The most important thing is that he is not around the smaller children. I wouldn't worry about whether she's coddling the 15 year old or whether he's being punished enough- just that your young children are safe and that he doesn't come near them.
I think that my 15 year old SS has tendancies that could cause him to molest my 8 year old. I never leave them alone together, and I constantly moniter him at night. I spend all night making sure that SS is in his room, that my son is safe. I can't sleep. We're moving out soon.
You should tell your wife this- you cannot take a chance of having your SS in the house again. If something else should happen, not only would it ruin another child's life, but SS could end up in jail. If those little kids are a temptation for him for whatever reason, he shouldn't be in the same house with them. Are you going to stay up all night to make sure he's not going into your other children's rooms?

This whole sitution sounds very hard. I made the mistake of trusting someone to watch my child and her son molested my daughter. I called CPS and in turn they called the police to investigate. If I were you I'd make a report to the police. He may get in trouble for it but they may be able to get him some extra help too. She shouldn't be rewarding him, he should be punished for what he's done. He's old enough to know right from wrong, which is why I said to call the police.

I would make sure your little ones were never around him again. I would also demand that when she goes to see him that she leave that baby with you after it's born. If she isn't going to try to get some help for him eventually she will be sending every Sun at the prison.