Loving this disengagement thing!
I am told by my DH that I have become too distant and unfriendly towards his adult children. Please be the judge!
His daughter is getting married in October and has invited me. I was not going to go but as she made it clear that she would like me there and in addition she is the only Skid that makes an effort. She has never being rude, always polite and includes me in everything. However when her brothers are around she becomes reserved and does not talk to me as much. SO I have decided to go the wedding, but will not be attending the ceremony or the wedding breakfast, but will arrive for the less informal part of the wedding.
I have read various posts about step mothers and weddings and I can tell you this, my skin is not thick enough to see my husband sat at the top table and me on table no. 133. Either is it thick enough to be sat there, while hubby takes lots of wedding pictures with ex wife and family while I sit there watching. So I have decided to go the half way mark. I will be prior engaged with an old aging Aunty who would need my help and whom I love being with. I would arrive at the wedding when all the formalities are over and when I arrive I will expect my husband to have finished his duties and be by my side and enjoy the rest of the evening. I want him to play his part as a father of the bride and I do not want any sticky awkward moments. I have discussed this with my husband, he sees the sense in it but still thinks I should attend the whole day. I told him, it would be comfortable for him if I am treated badly and I would hate to ruin his day. However he said lets wait until September and see what happens. I know that there is no way in hell I will be there during the day.
A few days ago, whilst talking about the wedding, he quickly said to me ' you will be a grandmother within 2 years'. My response was " if I am treated and addressed as a grandmother I will certainly love to take that responsibility up, If treated otherwise I will be happy being me". Now that infuriated him. He told me that I am too cold towards his children. I never attend any of their birthdays, I will only attend family dinners of 7+ person if they are included, I never go out of his way for his children.
I explained I go out of my way for his daughter as she is very nice towards me and my daughter. However the other 2 are not as accepting and really do not speak to us, in turn I do not impose myself on them. I told him a few months back, I will never put myself in a situation where I feel uncomfortable and I meant it. If I feel that uncomfortable scare coming on, at the mere mention of an event with his children, I do not go. I am happy in my own skin, in my own home reading a nice book.
He has a really good friend whom I am very fond of. It is his birthday next week and we agreed we would take him out for dinner. However his children decided they would like to go, as they are also very fond of him. Immediately I turned the situation around and said "might be an idea for you and kids to just meet up with Stan for dinner'. I decided not to go as the situation was not diluted down enough, we needed a larger group.
I am sorry, I am really not prepared to feel sticky for one minute. Life is too short. My reasoning is, if he wants things to change he needs to start addressing issues and stop being in denial. I have to protect myself. I am enjoying protecting myself, it sends a message out there to whom it may concern, loud and clear - only people I chose are allowed in my small happy circle. I will always give DH the time and space to be the best father he can be however it does not mean I have to be involved.
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I agree with you 100%. No
I agree with you 100%. No one has to spend time with adults who cause problems in their life. I think you have a nice compromise in agreeing to be with them if the group is large enough that you can all sort of stay across the room from each other.
I do think your DH was a total ass for asking his children to an event (the birthday dinner with a mutual friend) that you had planned. He knew that this would exclude you. He made plans with you and then changed them to plans with his children. An incredibly assholey move. I am sure that he thought of this as a way to all get together, hold hands, and profess love for each other. But he should have known better.
Why do seemingly normal adults think that if they love someone everyone else in their life must also be part of the love fest? I cannot stand my SS30. I tried. He is just someone that I do not want to spend 5 minutes of my life with. He and his GF are having a baby. I do not intend to participate in any way. Who knows if they will marry or not. Not going to be involved in anything with SS30.
My DH and my best friend of 40 years do not like each other - although they've never met. They had a political FB argument that got personal. I don't expect him to ever have to be with her. I will not listen to either one of them run the other one down - I accept that they don't like each other. I do think if they had ever met under other circumstances they would have liked each other. DH and another friend of mine could not disagree more politically but she adores him as a person and they just agree to not discuss politics. But I have no compulsion to push my friend who dislikes DH and DH together just because I think they might learn to really like each other.
Your DH needs a wake up
Your DH needs a wake up call.
They are ADULTS. Why are you expected to treat them with more respect than they treat you?
Why is it acceptable for your DH for you to be treated rudely by his children?
It sounds like you have very healthy boundaries established and kudos to you!!
I think your plan sounds great. Get your SD a nice wedding gift and there you go.
I totaly agree with you doing
I totaly agree with you doing what you feel comfortable with. However, If the SD who is getting married has been nothing but pleasant toward you, why offend her and just show up after the ceremony. She clearly stated she would like you there. And I am sure she will be to busy dealing with the wedding bustle and greeting all of her guests to treat you distant. Again...if you really have ill feelings about going, then skip it. I am just curious as to why you would bother even going to the reception if you feel this way.
Hmmm, I'm too cold toward
Hmmm, I'm too cold toward your children? You are too pansy toward your children. I wonder which one of us could fix both situations in fell swoop? Hmmm?
Notthemomma880, you raised a
Notthemomma880, you raised a good point. You are right I do not know. However, what I do know is that my SD gets very withdrawn when her siblings are around. Normally when we meet she will sit next to me and we would have a good talk. However when her siblings are around she will say hello and that is just it. Her intended is also very nice. There is a clear shift when her sibling is around and even my husband and the family has noticed.
SM12. I do feel guilty about that, however while I understand why she is somewhat subdued when her siblings are around, It does lend me to think that her siblings may not be in 'the know' about her being friendly towards me and my daughter. It is hard to feel totally at ease, when one day you are having a fully fledged conversation with her, then next time you see her she just about says hello and avoids you. Also it was SD idea last year that BM and all Skids came to us for Christmas day. In addition them and BM should cook Christmas lunch. Of course I said no. But that tells me a lot! The real issue is that I do not want to put myself where I will be uncomfortable. When all the formalities are over, there will be little room for that. The youngest of Skids totally enjoys my discomfort and used to see him smiling away in the corner when they had the opportunity of treating me badly. NO MORE!
CORRIGAK: For the past 9 + years I have supported my husband, I have been to Skids birthday dinners only to be ignored. Of course they always say hello. When I get involved in a conversation, they ignore me. I have sent Christmas cards with our names which has been sent back. I have given gifts that have been left at the house. Clearly anything that has my name included is not accepted. Meanwhile DH always has an excuse for Skids. I cannot keep supporting DH and losing myself. When DH starts addressing the situation then he will have my support. Up until then it is a case of self preservation. To be honest, since doing his our relationship has become so much stronger and happier.
The bottom line for me, is that I am not prepared to be uncomfortable. Dad is paying for the entire bash but yet he is scared to discuss table seatings and pictures. I do not think it is my place to ask where would I be seated? That is the role of DH, I am his wife. I keep well out of the steps business. Our relationship with our Skids depends on their spouse. If DH made it clear that it was important that I was sat next to him and involved, they would realise that is important to him. Evidence has shown they are not interested in what is important to me. DH of course, thinks he cannot get involved in their wedding plans, he is even doubts if any of his family (siblings etc) would be invited, as his children do not like any member of his family.
I promised myself months ago that I would not place myself in a position of being uncomfortable and being vulnerable that is paramount for me. Since doing this it has strengthen our marital relationship, we are much happier and enjoying our relationship. If the worst gets to the worst and I do not attend the morning ceremony I will explain to SD why.