The light just went on in the attic
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as I was washing dishes. That is that the problem between H and his daughter is HER problem, not his or mine. SHE is the one who keeps snubbing him, she is the one that doesn't call him on Father's Day until days after. It is her issue but we are the ones that pay for it.
I am wondering why my counselor did not bring that up to me, the SD's behavior towards her dad? Making me think about finding another counselor.
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I mean it is clear that she
I mean it is clear that she doesn't like me, well I think she is intimidated in way, and has to make up for that with her Narcisisism. But Dad is her main target, especially when she wants something regardless of which one of us owns it.It is always about her, she has to be the big shot, number 1, wants you to think she is the smartest one in the room, etc. LOOK at her.
I can see, looking back now, how jealous she is of her older sister and younger brother. As I posted earlier, she claims she FLAT OUT HATED her Mother and thus refused to help with burial expenses for her BUT had no problem grabbing the first flight down to FL to see what she had, this under the guise that she was going to help her brother know what was worth something and what was not (about jewelry). Let's face it, if she hated her Mom as she claims, why should she want anything from her? Greed about jewelry and $$ is all that matters to her) Going to help out the brother she never talks to and doesn't want to talk to her, na, no way no how. It has to be $$.
It just clicked that anytime H says he has heard from his oldest daughter, the SD goes nuts and acts out against us, him. I bet no one here has ever been invited to a BBQ where you get there, are immediately told that "oops, sorry" she forgot that she had other plans, but YOU certainly understand, as she drives away! Honestly, it happened to us. H. made excuses, as he always does for her, and I was royally pizzed. She could have called us and cancelled before we drove down there.
SD had Big problems that can't be solved here, but maybe, just maybe what she wants is Daddy to explode and tell her her actions are flat out not acceptable. But then that would give her the attention she so craves.
Oh well, it was just a thought. Back to my kitchen.
People like that are best
People like that are best ignored. But also, protect yourself against them.
Rumple - I certain ;do keep
Rumple - I certain ;do keep an eye on what she may be up to.
A lot of counseling is having
A lot of counseling is having these self-realizations and then talking with the counselor about it. I wouldn't necessarily say your counselor isn't effective. After all if they weren't you probably wouldn't have these insights.
Yes!
Agreed.
Perhaps this may help to clarify the situation: Yes, how SD treats people is her problem. Yes, sadly you and your husband "pay" for the fallout. I believe part of your counselor's role is to assist you to develop skills to help you cope. And maybe, those coping skills will someday allow you to say, "Yes, that's just how SD is. What's for dinner?" If you can accept and cope, you may reach the point of being unbothered! Wouldn't it be great to be unbothered?!
Blessings to you, I know this is tough.
Trudie - While I am getting a
Trudie - While I am getting a better handle on dealing with her, I do not think I will eve just beable to let her not bother me due to H's mental impairment. Sometimes he's rationale and other times off somewhere. I have to watch she doesn't get to him at the later rather than the former.
Remember, she went after him redoing his will WHILE he was IN THE HOSPITAL going through tests to see if he had a heart attachk. This was when he is most vunerable. There is no doubt that when she surfaces she is there to test the perameters, so to speak. She will not desist because she smells FREE and $$, what little we lhave.
She was pushing to have him leave a lot of OUR possessions, a repo revolutionary war rifle, coins, etc. to her sons just because they are his grandchildren. They DESERVE something (expensive) to remember Grandpa by. Interesting thing is we never see or hear from them, the grandkids. She has/had birthday, graduation parties, weddings, etc. for them that we were never invited to.
When H is normal he says that, but when she gets him at a time he is having dementia problems, she tries to get everything she can.
I mean when she tells us we need 3 will, 3 count them, to her you just know. Especially the third one that made sure she got everything if both of us should happen to die at the same time! Made me wonder just what she had in mind there.
Yes…
...I definitely understand what you are saying. I have wondered how my own DH will be when he ages, because he is a softie who wants to believe the very best in people even after they have shown him otherwise; he is an eternal optimist. Your SD is a snake...I get this, mine is too. This is where we have the advantage, we KNOW they are snakes! We are smart, savvy women so we know how to deal with them. We expect that we will have to deal with them at some point and we are ready. You mention that you are getting better at handling her and that's progress! Do you think you could handle it using a simple "No" perhaps? Then tell yourself, "Yes, that's how she is. I am not surprised." Shake your head, laugh, and then just try to let it go? I know it's tough, but she does not deserve your energy. And OSD does not deserve mine.
I have found that the faster I let it go, the better things are for me. And for my relationship. Yes, she used to get under my skin; strangely now that we've gone no contact, the in laws seem to have attempted to take her place...ugh! I know what to expect from them too, so I'm ready, I handle it, and I move on. Oh, and I vent here...thank goodness for this site!
Do you think this could work for you?
While my unicorn Ph.D therapist never shredded my XW....
she did make her opinion of XW pretty clear with her non verbal communication on the topic over the several months she was my therapist after my then STBXW walked out of our final marriage counseling session when the Doc announced that we would now start discussing the lack of intimacy in our marriage. "I don't have a problem with sex!". Then STBXW stood up, and walked out. I did not yet know that she was gobbling and riding every knob she could get any oriface or part of her body around and had been the entire duration of our relationship. A year of dating. A year of engagement, and at the point she walked out of therapy, two years and two weeks of marriage.
Her extramarital sex worker career, unpaid, did not become known to me until she moved out of our marital home about two months after she walked out of marriage therapy. We had closed on the house a few days before that marriage therapy session.
When she and then STBXFIL left with a truck and trailer full of her stuff, I did a quick walk through. Our study had all of the furniture my parents had given us, Scandinavian modular furniture, nice stuff. She had left all of her school work and her diaries in the file cabinets. An oversight that cost her significantly in the divorce. Her diaries had her sexcapades documented in detail by date, named partner, location, and activities for our entire relationship and a number of years leading up to the start of our relationship. She would have done just about anything for that to remain hidden. On top of the diaries, were every paper she had been assigned and turned in for the last three years of her bachelor's degree. All written by me. The rough drafts in my handwriting, filed with the typed graded versions. Of a dozen or more papers, only two received a grade of B. All the rest had a grade of A. Papers for Philosophy classes, ethics classes, etc... I never had taken a philosophy class at that point. Upper division English, History, and many nursing related research papers. She wrote only one paper in nursing school. Drivel and blather about how making toddlers flush bowel movements after praising them for doing a good job was detrimental to the child;s self esteem. I refused to write that one for her. That paper, received a C-. Her Prof called her in for office hours to talk about how that paper was notably lower quality work than "her" usual work.
She was pissed about that and blamed me for not writing it for her. It was stupid. I was not about to write that paper.
The diaries and the papers, notarized copies of them actually, shut down her attempts toback out of the asset distribution proposal she made and we agreed to. It also got her family attorney to fire her as a client. He was a Sr. partner at a prominent firm and was an Adjunct Professor at the Law School of the University where her BSN was from. Her academic fraud put him in a position of conflict of interest as he could not represent her knowing of her fraudulently attained degree from the university he taught at.
I kept the originals of the diaries and the papers as well as multiple full notarized copies of both for more than 10yrs after the divorce. Just in case. In one of our moves years ago, DW asked if we could just toss that stuff. It went into the dumpster along with all of the wedding pics from the wedding and reception when XW and I married. She demanded those during the divorce. She had left then when she moved out. Nope, I never gave any of that crap to her. IT all ended up as dumpster fodder when it was clear that she wanted zero to do with re-engaging our divorce conflict.
We had spent 6mos of weekly sessions working on XW and her family and their dynamics. Me, my family and our dynamics. Other areas of our marriage.
After about four months of individual therapy, Doc fired me. She told me that it was time for me to step out and get on with my life. Our last session she recounted how if someone had told her that the sullen defeated middle aged man (I was 25 when we started marriage counseling) who walked in 9mos prior was the same dynamic excited young man with a child like zest for life in her office were the same person, she would have called them crazy.
If your therapist is not your partner in healing and progress, find one who is. A therapist, a doctor, a lawyer, all work for you and if they are not delivering to your expectations, fire them and find one that does deliver as your partner in associated efforts.
Live well.
Take care of you.
Your SD may be the cause of
Your SD may be the cause of her problems.. but YOU and your DH do have problems.. the problem is how to deal with someone like your SD.
That doesn't mean you caused it.. or are actively doing things to make it ongoing.. but it is an issue that the root cause is mostly outside of your own control.
Your therapist isn't there to lay blame.. to diagnose your SD.. she is there to help you deal with stressors and coping in your own life.. from whatever the causes.. and you have plenty of "problems".. from a SD who is mercenary.. to a DH with Dementia.. along with I'm sure a variety of other loads on your emotional well being.
It sounds like the best tactic is to minimize contact with SD.. and protect your assets for times when your husband's mental state isn't strong.. definitely the legal/financial stuff is a priority.. then beyond that.. trying to keep her from being a presence in your lives as much as possible.
!!!
Yes, great advice!
ESMOND - This I definately do
ESMOND - This I definately do. My H, like Trudies, is a softie and she knows how to work him, as with the sundial incident.
I made it clear I didn't want her around or in MY house after that and the lawnmower incident. I told both my Doc last summer and the therapist recently, she scares me. There is just a funny look she does when looking at me that you just know isn't anything nice.
Luckily, since she ignored H for Father's Day and he actually, for the first time ever, called her out on it even though she has done this behavior for years. THIS was the first time he called her out when he told her to basically keep her Father Day wishes as it was already over. You know that had to shake the begesus out of her - not the normal response from Dad.
BUT you also know she has a goal and she is regrouping and recalculating to see how she can get what she wants. The main thing in her way is ME.