New Here and Need A Vent
I've been with my partner for two years and we recently decided to move in together. He's a great guy, but I feel like I'm just now finding out some things about his parenting and about his 16-year-old.
I realize most teens are lazy, but this one goes above and beyond. He wanted to drop out and get his GED, which my partner agreed to and facilitated. Except the GED is not happening (no, there are no legal ramifications for this, so let's please not get into all that - drop-out age is 16 here and there is nothing that says my partner HAS to force him to do anything at all about school now). What is happening is that he's spending about 16 hours a day parked in front of his Xbox doing absolutely nothing productive. He even eats there in front of it.
He had a whopping two chores, apparently, before I came into the picture. At first, he seemed to be pretty on top of them (wash dishes and take out the trash). But that has, for whatever reason, started to fall off, as well. Now he has to be poked and prodded and will still sometimes outright refuse. As an example, our dishwasher has been on the fritz and we can't seem to get maintenance to come fix it, so the past two weeks we've had to wash dishes old-school in the sink. You'd think someone had asked him to dig his own eyes out with a rusty spoon. He would let them pile and pile and pile until we had no dishes. He'd wait until about 10 minutes before his dad got off work to even start and then sigh and moan until my partner would FREAKING HELP HIM. Last night he had one side of the sink full of dishes. This, to me, is something that would take 15 minutes at worst. This, for him, is an hour-long job, and last night he just outright refused. Just straight up said he wasn't doing it. So thinking I was being clever, I said, "Well, I can't cook dinner with no clean dishes." Kid just looks at us. Partner kowtows and we end up getting pizza and paper plates. I. Was. Pissed.
This kid 100% runs the show over here. He gets whatever he asks for, he's rarely so much as scolded (and when he is scolded, my partner usually runs right out after to grab him a soda or some form of treat because as far as I've gathered, he feels horribly guilty anytime he does anything that even looks like parenting).
I've mentioned the laziness and the fact that letting him drop out without getting his GED isn't doing the kid any favors, but it's not well-received from my partner. He promised to get him set up with online GED courses and they looked into it for two days and it just sort of fell by the wayside. Anytime my partner brings up his slacking in the chores department, he insists that he's literally just so forgetful that we're going to have to remind him (we do, it typically doesn't work, and I've stopped because I'm going to absolutely go off on this kid one day for ignoring me when I ask him to do things and I'm definitely already the bad guy over here). I'm already having trouble keeping it together because there's this thing he does where when I finally say to hell with it and go start washing dishes or taking the trash out, he jumps up and offers to do it... At first, that was kind of good because at least something was triggering him to get the stuff handled. But lately, he'll start just long enough for me to leave the room and then go right back to his Xbox. Like WTF? I don't even see the point!
I'm just at a loss. It's not helping for me to bring it up with my partner, and doing so creates a weird tension between us that I just don't want to deal with anymore. I'm kind of heartbroken because I saw this great future for us but now the future I'm seeing is making me want to save up and get my own place. Am I overreacting to this? Do I just suck it up and handle the kid's two chores myself to save us the mess and the frustration and maybe even save my relationship? Is this just a typical teenager and I'm being a complete jerk to my partner and his son?
No, you are not overreacting.
No, you are not overreacting.
Yes, you should get your own place.
Whether you still want to date the guy is up to you. Just be aware that this kid may never launch and might always be dependent on your BF, in one way or another.
Your BF is doing a crap job raising his son and preparing him for adulthood and the real world.
Failure To Launch is a huge concern for me.
I just wonder if I'm not jumping the gun a bit already having images of a basement-dweller or someone who spends their whole life needing financial support. But that's definitely what I feel will be the likely result.
No, you are not jumping the
No, you are not jumping the gun, that is exactly what this kind of parenting leads to. He should want more for his kid. It's his job to give him the tools, and the push, to succeed in life. Letting him quit school? I can't imagine what kind of parent would want that or allow it.
He parents (or rather, doesn't) out if guilt, allows the laziness, and makes excuses for him. Not attractive.
No, you have not jumped the
No, you have not jumped the gun. The kid is not in school, not working, and spending his days playing video games. Without BD pushing him, why would he ever change.
If the kid was not previously a good student, both BD and kid may be in for a shock when they look at an actual GED test. In 2014 they changed it to align with common core and it is harder than it used to be. (Some states now use another test for their high school equivalency test. So before BD pays for any courses or tests, he should check the state requirements.)
Wow.. I'm sorry.. your BF
Wow.. I'm sorry.. your BF seems to be a really poor father. I honestly would be tempted to tell him that "men who don't parent their kids and let them run the show and turn into lazy sloths are not "hot""
I would have a serious hard time drumming up any warm feelings towards such a useless man.
I think you should see that the writing is clearly on the wall.
He won't have expectations for his son.
His son is likely going to fester "in your basement" for years to come.
Your SO isn't prepared to grow a pair... and what kind of braintrust thinks it's a great idea for a kid to get a GED vs finishing HS? I mean.. it is setting the kid up for a subpar future... GED's are not as good as a HS diploma for most employers.
Agree
I definitely didn't support the dropping out idea. And it kind of makes it all the more frustrating that he's not slipping on chores and the like because he's so stressed out from school or working.
Time to move out
Your SO does not have your back. SS shows no respect for you or your SO. This is no way to live. If you calling this living .
Move out you can still see your SO, and see what happens, most likely this kid will be like this a long time. He not even going out to find a GF
I don’t know how you can have respect for a man who lets his kid drop out of school. This is not normal at all. Then letting the kid do nothing. You will be supporting this kid forever.
In the event you need it...
In the event you need it... My vote goes to move the heck out of that chaos now - it will NOT get better. It will get worse, and as Evil3 mentioned, the stress will start to affect your physical health (your mental health will already have suffered greatly too).
You're not overreacting , he's not a "great guy" he's an ass,
for not parenting his kid, catering to his every whime, and allowing him to disrepsect you.
Please save your nickels and dimes and move out. This is just the "honeymoon phase" of your relationship. Can you just imagine what you're in for should you decide to stick it out with this fool? I always tell newbies to flip over to the "Adult Step" section and read what some of us are going through, or have been through!
This kid is not your responsibility. Unfortunately we can't spay or neuter people. Before too long, he'll probably procreate and bring you both a little "bundle of joy" to raise, and the guilt cycle will repeat.
The X-Box needs to suddenly "disappear." 16 year old needs a job, even if he has to walk to and from work, and he needs more responsibilities around the house.
BUT...not your circus, not YOUR MONKEYS!
I would move out. It's not
I would move out. It's not worth being annoyed all the time. Living with teens is hard; living with a lazy, entitled coddled one is beyond hard, especially when his presence reminds you of what a lousy/spineless parent your boyfriend is. You can live apart until the kid launches while continuing to date your boyfriend if you want to maintain the relationship.
Does the house belong to
Does the house belong to both of you and does the skid live with you full time? If it's your partner's place, you'll probably have a harder time establishing ground rules. You need a discussion with you partner about the skid's behaviour and what you will/won't tolerate. And make it about the skid's welfare as well as your own - gaming is addictive and you're worried about the effect it's having on him in terms of his motivation etc. Therefore his daily time on it needs to be limited. Personally, I would turn the wifi off or remove the ex-box and simply deal with the backlash, but your OH really needs to back you up.
Ultimately, if OH isn't prepared to parent him properly there's not a lot you can do, so you probably need to think about moving out and if you want to continue the relationship, do it from separate homes.
Ill be honest, I stopped
Ill be honest, I stopped reading after the first paragraph because I already know this will go one of three ways:
1. You confront your wife about allowing her bum son to live off of y'all, she sees the light and learns how to control the internet access in the house for majority of the day forcing the kid to either be productive in the house or go back to school
2. You confront your wife about allowing her bum son to live off of y'all and she tells you to deal with it because that is her son and he is so precious that he will remain living in your basement well into his 30s if not longer
3. You confront your wife and she tells you to deal with it and you realize you are worth so much more than second place to a delienquent son to a co-dependent mother who is an enablers and will continue to be throughout her life--but not yours because you move out and either date your wife OR just move on completely to someone without baggage/knows how to parent their spawn.
My ss was like this
Me and hubby are working our arses off and ss then aged 17 believed since daddy had a new wife that i became his bitch maid to serve him.
His dad told him off, ss continued with his imaginary stress syndrome at being asked to do chores. This kid had no responsibilities apart from going to college (full paid for by his dad).
I’d had enough as it was deteriorating so bad his behaviour, i had told hubby i needed a divorce, that I wasn’t going to be told to shut up and take it which is what hubby is doing when he refuses to address it.
the thought of losing your wife and 2 kids with her because of feral skids is a real motivator
i have disengaged, skids are a screw up but my hubby has made it mandatory ss has to wash his dishes and empty trash and told him how ridiculous it was ss expect me to clean up after his lazy arse when i had 2 toddlers to care for
Start taking the cords for
Start taking the cords for his game systems and locking them in a small safe next to the TV. He only gets the cords once his ever increasing daily chore list complete to your standards.
No chores, no cords. Two days in a row and he is left on the front step when daddy leaves for work without a key, food or water. It works great. At least it did with my son (SS-27 when he was 17-18).
No tolerance and an escalating state of abject misery works.