Yes, divorce attorney asap.  Looking into a divorce is devastating, I've been thru it.  But I promise there is a new, better life once it's over.  Be careful, these can be dangerous times.  Hang in there, Clove.

He sounds nuts. I'm so sorry you are going through this. TBH, it's probably best to get away from him as soon as possible. He doesn't sound stable. I worry for you. 

To call him insufferable would be putting it nicely. You're a sweetheart, and if getting rid of him costs you half of everything (I hope and pray it won't), it would still be a fair trade to be free. Assets can be replaced or rebuilt. Time can't be replaced and you shouldn't waste another minute on this worthless man. Take care of yourself! 

I am so sorry. I know how hard, really, really hard, it is to walk away from something you have worked for for so long to build. It is hard to start over. 

It takes resilience, acceptance and courage. I have gotten to the point in life where personal peace is what I value more than anything else. No material possession, no house, no relationship is worth more than peace, worth more than enjoying this current moment of life to the fullest.

There is a future waiting for you beyond what you are dealing with in this current moment. "Every storm runs out of rain."

May you handle this the best way possible for you!

Work with your friend who filed charges against him, hire a pitbull divorce attorney and destroy this narc POS.

No need for you to get mean, let your pit bull do that.  

You have tons of witnesses.  Put them all on the stand and let your pit bull chum the divorce waters with his bleeding character ass baring as your parade of witnesses destroy him with his own words.

Be kind to yourself and take care of you.

Don't waste any more time trying to find info on your rights  - that's what your lawyer is for (and make sure they're a SHARK). Your apology for a husband needs to be taken to the cleaners and left with nothing after the appalling way he has treated you over the years.  Tell your lawyer that you want to get back the money you have paid for HIS CS etc. over the years. You also want compensation for his treatment of you, allowing his daughters to insult and attack you spending all his free time with the barnacle and not his wife, etc. Don't forget the incidents where you were provoked and then recorded. 

Go for the jugular, CLove. You want compensation for all of those years. 

Clove,  I'm sorry he is being fully revealed as a snake.  But, as difficult as it is... I would go forth with your head high.. and with no mercy.

Find the BEST lawyer.. the one known for leaving nothing but a bit of sinew on the bones of the other lawyer and their client.  Do this ASAP.. because there is a good chance you may want to hire a private investigator.. and see if they can get to some of the real truth of what your stbx (nice ring to that).. is doing.  

Among the information they may find.. working under the table.. the more you can "prove" that he has been more employed than he has down on paper the better... it will reduce the level of obligation you may have to paying spousal support.. Because if he is "voluntarily" unemployed.. AND working for cash under the table.. yeah.. that will make the court less inclined to reward him right? Remember.. .you know at least one person he has worked for... and I'm sure you probably can find more too.

Get your hands on ANY and ALL financial records you can find.. right now.. asap.. any records of accounts he may have etc.. do some digging.  Your lawyer may have some ideas on how hidden accts could be discovered?  Like get copies of canceled checks.. or debit card reciepts.. for accounts you don't recognize.. 

I'm not sure about his share of the house.. it sounds like his intent is to try to "work on it".. and somehow reduce YOUR share of it by charging you in a way.. for the work he does.  I think there may be some precedence for giving someone credit for value that increases the market value of the home.. but I don't know that it's a one for one kind of thing.. Let's say he claims it took him 500 hours to renovate the bathroom at 20 dollars an hour... plus 8K in materials.  That doesn't mean he would necessarily be able to get credit for putting 15K into the home... because let's say in real estate market.. an updated value might get you an additional 6K.. which means that what would be factored in would be that half of that increased value would come off what you would get.. so only 3K not 9K(half of his time and materials).  And here's the kicker.. and you need to document the state of your home right now... the likelihood that a homeowner self helps themselves into adding value?  Is it to code.. is it the quality of repair that would be done by a professional? Often times those homegrown upgrades hurt the value.

So, quickly do the best research you can to get the best lawyer and get in front of them asap.. he may have already done that for himself.. so no time to waste here.  

And.. finally.. you need to master the grey rock countenance here... no folding of cards.. no revealing your plans.. or your motivations..or your feelings.

He accuses.. "I'm sorry you think that.. you know I would never do x"

He tries to bait you with threats of his clean start".. try to listen as carefully as you can.. as you said.. he does reveal plans here.. and he asks "what do you have to say".. "I don't know.. sounds like you have your mind made up.. nothing for me to say I guess.. "

Don't engage in arguments.. in rehashing slights and accusations.. just leave it.. even if it means you don't feel like you are able to defend yourself.. just let it go.. no point in winning the argument here.. wait until you WIN in court.

Also, while it may not seem like it.. there are two sides to everything.. if he is entitled to half of the increase in your retirement over the the past 10 years.. you are entitled to half of things HE has ammassed in the past 10 years.. the boats.. the cars.. may be titled in his name only.. but gee.. aren't they also a form of asset/savings that gets put in the mix?  Make sure you know EXACTLY what the retail market value of those items are!

Again.. do not be merciful here.. he isn't going to be.. and you are entitled to things... just as much as he may think he is.  If you have old texts where you may have discussed whether he goes back to work or not and his "plans to wait for friend's job"  etc.. get those together.. they can paint a picture of a guy willfully not reentering the workforce.  If he is on unemployment.. most have a work application rule.. is he violating that by?  Is he just giving them false applications?  something to think about and tell your lawyer too.. does the unemployement board need to know this? does the court?

finally.. I'm sorry this is where you are.. but get you to a lawyer.. it's more important than pretty much any other thing you have going on right now.. work.. medical appts.. anything.

Sorry to hear about the "truth" of your husband. At this point, I don't think you should have any trust in him whatsoever. Loss of trust is the worst, so I'm sure that will not be easy.

Have you heard of the Sunk Cost Fallacy? It can apply to many situations, including relationships. It's the error in thinking that you would "waste" your previous investment if you didn't continue to prop up the investment. But you can't really recover previous investments of time and energy either way. Best wishes on the tough road ahead.

Clove,  Just a few things I thought about in addition to what I already posted.

Now is the time to be on your A-Game.  As difficult as this all is.. the lying.. the betrayal.. the scheming.. cooler head must prevail.

So.. If you still enjoy an occasional glass of wine.. stop.  You need to be 100% clear headed at all times going forward.. your stbx has proven he is unpredictable.. you may need to flee.  He has proven combative.. and sober, you are less likely to be goaded into poor behavior.. yelling etc..

Consider having your vehicle checked for tracking devices.. same with your electronic devices.. I know you say he is a tech idiot.. but you would be surprised what people can figure out when motivated.. you don't want him having access to communication with your legal advisors.  Take a look around for hidden cameras in your home too... and to be honest.. whether you find anything or not.. consider that you probably have to act like every move and communication is being recorded at all times.. whether he is around or not. 

If you have valuables that belong to you in the home.. financial or sentimental.. slowly start getting them out of there.. even if you may intend to try to buy him out of the house.. they are at risk if they are in there. 

Lock down your own financial documents.. bank statements.. credit card statements.. investments.. retirement statements.. he may end up requesting them in discovery for the divorce.. but don't give him unfettered access now.

If you, at any time, feel threatened by him.. call the authorities.. and if necessary.. file a restraining order.. it will keep him on his heels if you actually mete out consequences.. and it will help your case in court.

If you do have proof of your paying for his child support or other obligations.. you can pull that support together.. but unfortunately.. I don't believe you will get any credit or repayment of any of those funds you gave willingly to your husband.. focus on what your LAWYER tells you and follow their advice.

House as fast as he's looking for work.  Where is going to get the money to make house improvements ?  Nothing is free ..

Get a lawer now. 

I haven't been on here for a while as I am dealing with my own overwhelming problems but when I saw your post I had to react if not to give you support, at least advice/info based on my personal knowledge

I think you are in California which is a community property state so any assets purchased during the marriage would have to be divided between both parties during the divorce. I hope the house was purchased before the marriage and I hope you didn't add his name to the deed, or else unfortunately he will be entitled to half of it...The good news is that if he decides to go for this route, you can claim co-ownership of his multiple cars as well and hold that over his head.

Unemployment is considered legal income so he wouldn't be entitled to spousal support. You said he recently got unemployed in January, so it's not like you have demonstrated significant years of supporting him financially which would set a precedent.

In the meantime, you have to be a good actress. Start trying to be cool with him and claim that you are so in love and make him believe you want him to stay (sleep with him if you must) until you have all your ducks in a row and he stops fighting you...Offer to go to counseling and work things out (this is just to pacify him until you figure it out and plan just like he is doing)

Keep in mind he will flip flop around you because he needs you until he finds a job or another woman (or most likely got back with his BM)

Document certain issues like alcoholism, drug abuse and financial abuse/irresponsibility.

Consider doing whatever you have to do in order to get the best lawyer, not just one you can afford. If you have to borrow money from a friend or relative, do it. This divorce is going to get dirty and you need a shark in your corner. I know you tend to want to research everything before you act, but in this case, get a lawyer first and start following their direction. ESMOD also gave great advice as to practical things you can do now.

I'm concerned about your safety, so please do not engage with him anymore than is necessary. Put together a "go bag" and keep it in your car in case you have to leave quickly. Be careful who you talk to, make sure you only talk to your friends and not any mutual friends. 

and division of assets with a guy who thought  he had outfoxed me, my experience was that any work that is done on a house prior to separation doesn't get him anything. It happened during the marriage and therefore any increased value is still a joint asset. He's really not as smart as he thinks he is. And if you separate before the assets are divided you would have the right to refuse any improvements he wants to make. He really doesn't have the upper hand here.