To speak up or ignore?
One of the many facets to navigate- when to speak up and when to keep your mouth shut. I have recently adopted the keep my mouth shut tactic, and I've also been able to finally set a few boundaries, like not playing a parent role by being responsible for things when I'm not respected. It has worked out for the better so far, maybe just because I took the pressure off of myself. Anyways...
An issue I still have, and it has become more clear to me, is that she (boyfriend's daughter, 13, lives with us 50%) is a mean girl. She is actually a very mean girl, and has an attitude that triggers everything inside of me. She spends most of her time playing xbox, and Dad made her keep it in the living room so she can't turn into a hermit. This means I hear all of her conversations. She just talks shit to stangers for hours on end, making fun of them in any way she can think of. She talks about her peers from school (I work in the building she goes to, so I learn far more than I need to), and when her friends are over they have fun by making fun of people. She has also made fun of teachers and it's usually anyone who isn't thin or traditiaonlly attractive. I get it, she is becoming more concerned with her own appearances, but my god, she can be such an awful person. Couple this with her manipulative ways (playing dad against mom, and dad doesn't want to rock the boat so he rarely speaks up), and her "i get everything I want" attitude, I don't like being around when she is here. I already work on saturdays and I'm out of the house until 1am, and I have commitments on Sundays now, because it helped to not be around, but also it was allowing me to do what I love and have missed, so it's a win for me. I had stopped working Saturdays for a while abou a year and a half ago, but she complained so frequently that I was taking dad away (no matter how much he planned daddy daughter dates or trying to do things together) that I just decided it was best to go back to work, earn some cash and give some space.
I know it's hard for her to have her parents split and I try, I really do try to remind myself of how awful that feels. I went through it too. And I have asked myself a billion quesitons trying to understand my own emotions, and if it's a me problem. Last night, she left with her mom for soem reason at 8:30pm on a school night, makes me nuts because I feel like I woudln't allow it. I felt myself immediately calm down, like full body, exhale, relax, and nervous system just feels better. I was in bed, and I realized then just how much tension I carry when she is here. She came home around 10, and I felt myself tense right back up. It was such a loud signal from my body.
I know she probably has similar feelings, but also maybe not. In my opinon she uses the card of not liking me when she wants something. I've seen it happen right in front of me. I'm trying to remember she is a child, but I'm really having a hard time. I feel like I want to tell dad, that someone needs to step in about her shit talking, and making fun of people as much as she does. As an educator, I'd be concerned about bullying if it were one of my students; especailly with that damn phone and tiktok. Maybe I just don't understand because I don't have my own kids. Her mom, ironically, is getting a psych degree to be a therapist, and let me tell you where she has learned her behaviros from. Dad is the kind of person who wouldnt hurt a bug, and finds joy in everyone he meets (unless he needs to protect his family). I feel like thigns get better, then they go back two steps, and I'm trying to keep my own boundary of staying out of things. If it were my child, that xbox and phone would have been gone long ago. I needed to vent and journal. I just dont know if I should speak up, or stay out. Maybe feel better by trying, or just let her make her own path and hope she realizes how awfully mean she is to others for her own entertainment.
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You are essentially "disengageing" - which is an often
You are essentially "disengaging" - which is an often recommended tactic around here. Essentially, you are not really engaging with her unless you want to, or need to. As far as speaking up - would it do any good? Would your DH be at all receptive to anything you had to say? If not, there is no real point in doing it.
While it is great you have found a way to stay out of the house and busy on the weekends, in my mind your peace and quiet should not be sacrificed so your SD can game in the living room. What is the real difference whether she does it in her room when she is not engaging with anyone in the household anyway? If DH doesn't want her to be a hermit, than he should make her do something with him, rather than just letting her game in the living room.
Congratulations on figuring out how to find your peace, for the most part.
Thanks for replying. You know
Thanks for replying. You know, I accidentally found this website when I was looking for something to feel normal, and I saw so many people talk about disengaging. I felt like I couldn't because it would make me bad person. Once I did and made it known to dad that was my intention, thigns felt better. I've learned a lot about myself, and I feel like I would handle things so differenly, but also how do I really know when I don't have my own kids. Maybe i would tolerate more. I had to fight for the gaming to be moved to a desk because it was in the full living room and on the only TV. I hatedddd that because I felt like I couldn't spend time in my own living room. His response was to simply kcik her off the game. Right. I can't even get her to pick up her trash. And it makes me want to lose my patience, which I try not to do. He finally understood and moved her stuff - but it's the other side of the room, so def not private. I also don't think my peace should be sacrifced, and I've heard myself say a few times, "I live here too" and I think part of it is that when I was a kid, I and other children were secondary to adults. Right or wrong, I dont know. I've asked myself if I'm just feeling the childhood hurt of watching her being catered to when I was pushed aside in many ways. Am I jealous. Should I leave. It's SUCH a rollercoaster! The best thought I have for now, is to live my life like I want to, without hurting anyone, and if it becomes a problem, then I'll deal with it how I need to. In a perfect world, I'd live somewhere else Friday-Monday. lol. I also have realized I really like and miss my space. When no one but me or the dogs creates a mess and it's alwasy quiet lolol. Whew. Thanks though, really. I'm just startng to find ways to connect with people so I can feel less alone with how challenging this dynamic is.
Have you considered getting your own place and continuing to dat
Have you considered getting your own place and coninuting to date? There are people here who have successfully done that. See him when you want to and avoid him when she is there. Once she ages out, you can move in together again.
Actually- yes I have. I
Actually- yes I have. I thought it was a wild idea, because it was moving backwards, but honestly I think it would solve a lot of stress. Then- it's just a financial difficulty. I have been saving though, so it might be something to seriously consider.
Challenging dynamic
First, Welcome! Yes, it is a challenging dynamic as all of us know Stepdaughters are particularly difficult and 13 is the armpit of adolescence. I don't really have much wisdom to impart. My own SD, now 63, was a nightmare. I don't know if she was a mean girl but she was a manipulative, lying thief and still is.
You're wise to disengage but if you choose to address the mean girl vibe, the only thing that worked for me was to phrase my ideas as concern. "I worry about Valerie. She's so (positive attribute). I worry that other people might misunderstand when she says things like (example). I'd hate for anybody to get the wrong idea about her." You know, the sandwich technique, positive, negative, positive
You're already fantasizing about living alone. If you're not tied down that might be a feasible idea til she leaves. You could keep dating.
In any event, welcome. Read around here, it helps to know we are not alone. Good luck.
Thank you for your reply. I'm
Thank you for your reply. I'm thinking about it, I have tried the concerned approach in the past. So maybe I just keep it to myself. I have tried the concerted approach with her directly about missing school and grades etc... I constantly question myself, if I'm just incapable of dealing with a teen, if I am being a bitch, how do i become more tolerant of attitudes and disrespectful tones. I feel like my therapist is ready for a break from this conversation hahahahaha. Thanks for the advice. I feel better just being able to talk about it.
I absolutely agree with being
I absolutely agree with being mindful of how we frame "criticisms" of our partner's children. Even when we give criticism in most situations.. doing it in a way that doesn't tear down the person.. but is framed as coming from a place of care and concern will usually be more successful with getting buy in.
Saying something positive.. then saying how you are worried for how she will be percieved by others.. and how it could hurt her in life.. is helpful sounding.. trying to convince our partners that their kids are "rotten mean girls" is not going to get much except them circling the wagons to protect their children from 'unfair attack".
It also falls into the hill to die on category.. what is bad enough and impacting our lives enough to want to wade in and deal?
I do think her being in a more public space is probably good if dad is interested in somewhat monitoring his child.. but having some limits on how long she is plugged in is also probably for her own good.
I would maybe consider
I would maybe consider talking to your husband about the after-effects of having her play her video games in the living room instead of her room. His aim was to make her "not a hermit." But is she interacting with you guys while she takes over the living room? Maybe letting her play in her room but limiting the time would give him what he wants (seeing his poopsie) but also give you what you want (the ability to use your own living room), and gove her what she wants (playing the game in her room with some privacy.) If your DH wants more interaction with her, he should take HER somewhere or do something with her. Maybe do a little parenting while he's at it, and talk to her about interpersonal skills as opposed to just listening to her mean girl talk. This isn't working for anyone.
So validating, thank you. She
So validating, thank you. She does not interact with anyone when she's playing her games. So it's all sorts of typical gaming behavior- yelling at players- in excitement and in irritation. To me, the overarching issue is dad doesn't want to upset her because she then, will go cry about it to mom, which has proven to be an effective manipulation tool. And then he feels attacked in family therapy when the mom brings it up. It's a hot mess. One that I wished I had the foresight to see it coming.
I can sympathize.. teen girls
I can sympathize.. teen girls are awful.. it seems we have a LOT of posts on here that involve girls that age.. they are awkward.. and can just be jerks tbh.
It does sound like you are disengaging to the extent possible.. and that is probably the best tactic for you.
I recall my OSD at that age.. and she was similar.. would comment about some person in public who was overweight.. maybe wearing something that was too small.. or what she deemed innappropriate.
I actually did speak up a few times... and say things like.. Well.. it's 90 degrees.. should all fat people just lock themselves away in their homes? Or.. Gosh.. maybe they don't have the money to buy new clothes.. She may have even heard me utter the words.. well.. people can lose weight. but some people can't diet to lose an ugly attitude.. lol.
But.. honestly. her dad should be the one to be hearing this.. and he should be a bit concerned.. and be trying to teach her to be more empathetic. I mean.. it's one thing.. playing video games.. and "trash talking".. to an extent.. but when he hears her being on the verge.. of cruel.... he should be at least saying "hey.. now.. that's not nice.. how would you feel if people talked like that about you".. etc..
Mean girl nonsense
It's so very difficult to navigate all of this. I always kept quiet. I certainly told DH my complaints but never said a word to skids. Sometimes I thought my head would explode. I spent a lot of time in our bedroom to get away from it all. They had no respect for me, our home or DH. I always felt that it was DH's job to handle his kids. It took me many, many years to disengage. I treated his kids like my own. Ran them here there and everywhere, helped them with school work, whatever I bought for my kids I bought for them, I really did try but they weren't having it. The girls were mean, they would leave hateful notes for my DD, they would make fun of others out in public, they would act out in church, it was horrible. Protect yourself and your heart. My skids are now in their 30's and really nothing has ever changed and that's just the reality. For reasons unknown to me and DH they just don't like me. We believe that this has always been the directive of BM.
The other thing that I was thinking when reading your post is why not do things as a family, go out, go to a park, go bowling, whatever and when you return allow her to game in her room. Why torture yourselves. Gaming is what these kids do, I just think that parents need to set limits.
I think you need a heart to heart talk
With your BF. Tell him your problem with SD. That she must get out of the living room. With her Xbox. You need the living room to be a family room not a video gaming room. See how BF reacts. Then you know what to do . Don't buy she will change as she gets older.
Positive talk
We had a rule that we ate dinner together every night. And at dinner was only positive talk. Negative put downs get attention that make people feel superior. But it quickly becomes a habit. So people become moody mean guys/girls. We focused on good things. I got a good grade on my test today. Jenny asked out that guy she like and he said yes, they seem pretty happy. There's a basketball game coming up next week that I think I'm going to go to. I saw a robin today.
That sort of thing. It gave them time to practise positive thinking. It sounds a little Pollyanna to start, but it really worked for us.
As far as talking sh*t about
As far as talking sh*t about other people....she will learn the hard way when no one wants to be around her.
Or when someone decides to
Or when someone decides to make an example of her by returning the compliment ... but better.
Like you, I have no BKs.
Like you, I have no BKs. While many consider disengaging to be helpful, I am a proponent of equity life partners being equity parents to any children in their home and marriage and firm standards of behavior and standards of performance enforced instantly and without fail.
Life happens, parents split. That does not justify shit behavior from their failed family spawn, the X, or anyone else.
Take care of you. Do not try to justify what this "mean girl" is putting others through. When she gets mean, deliver an instant level of escalating abject misery that will make it cleat to her that her shit is over and will never again be tolerated.
Yeah so I lived through this
Yeah so I lived through this with a SS who is in the teenage years now. I said something to SO about how the gaming wasn't good and it hinders him from findings hobbies and engaging like a normal human being. It went in one ear and out the other with SO. It caused more of a riff between SO and me. SO also had SS playing games in the living room which I hated cause it was morning, noon and night so the living room became a place of tension. I subtly hinted for months about moving the gaming console into his room under the disguise of you should just get him his own gaming console for Christmas. In reality, I was tired of hearing all the bs that comes with gaming and with SS in his own room I wouldn't have to see him and barely hear him. This all shounds horrible I know but I had to disengage years ago too because the stress of managing a teenage SS that doesn't care about anything, an SO that would rather be his kids friend than parent and the crazy in-laws was too much. I'm like you, I love the piece of being home alone with my animals, the stress just leaves my body.
I also do not have any kids and everything you stated about taking the games, phone and having limits is exactly what a normal parent would do. Unfortunately, there is this increasing issue that now adays people are afraid to set boundaries because their children won't like them. There are times when kids talk trash about others because it is their way of venting but the video games have made it worse. I remember talking trash as a kid but it would get boring and my friends and I would find other things to engage in. Now with the video games all they do is trash talk on them and that has transferred over into everyday life and IMO it's going to bite them in the ass.
This community is fabulous and has helped me see that I'm not crazy with my way of thinking. I have had to come to the realization that I will not parent a child that is not mine more than the parent. Since she only lives with you 50% of the time, IMO I would prefer she have her consol in her room, let her be a hermit cause it is annoying having them yell and scream. I've tried to engage with SS and be supportive and all that. All I get in return is complete silence or the annoying one shoulder shrug and the stupid heh laugh that is now SS new way of communicating since becoming a teenager. I no longer buy gifts for anything related to SS, I let his parent parent and do all that. We have to come to the realization that we are not the parent of these step children, they have parents/parent and out goal should be whether we like SO and want to stay with them or not.