Excessive Eavesdropping
DH and I can't have a private conversation with ADHD SS8 around. When I say around, I mean when he's 2 rooms away watching TV, playing in his bedroom with the door closed or even "sleeping".
Half of the time he chimes in from another room on subjects he has no knowledge of or a situation he was never around acting like he was there or an expert (and no, it's not coming off as pretend play). The other example is when DH and I are having a private side conversation in the kitchen or another room away from the children, we see SS8 immediately stop what he's doing, slowly walk in our direction and stand as close as possible to eavesdrop "secretly". He will also walk quickly to DH and try to "hug" him as soon as we speak to eachother as his way to mask what he's actually trying to do.
DH and I have caught on to the behavior the past year and it's escalated. We've caught him listening to us when he was supposed to be sleeping in his room late at night. I have to take phone calls in the garage at night to feel comfortable to have adult conversations.
Today we had the same situation where DH and I were speaking in the kitchen away from the kids, who were engaged in a game. 30 seconds into our conversation SS came beelining to DH to give him a "hug". I stopped SS and told him he needed to respect that DH and I are having our own conversation and do not appreciate when he eavesdrops when he is not involved. This sent SS into a spiral where he stormed off to his room, slammed his door and either punched or kicked the door.
SS has zero filter and shares everything he hears to anyone who listens, including BM who is problematic. This is a big reason, other than privacy, that I really do not want SS listening 24/7. We have discussed with SS about privacy and social norms but that doesn't do anything. It's one ear and out of the other. SS told BM that he wishes he could tell her certain things and that we told him that it's not her business. You can imagine how that went. Eavesdropping seems like a normal behavior for children at this age to a certain extent but this seems extreme to me.
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What did your DH do when SS kicked the door?
What did your DH do when SS kicked the door? There should have been some sort of negative consequence for that behavior, as well as for the evesdropping.
I made the mistake of slamming my door. Once.
I was being a snarky shit, mom told me to leave the dinner table and go to my room. I pushed my chair in and banged it against the table, stomped down the hallway, slamed the door closed to my room, and climbed on my bed which was the top bunk in the room my brother and I shared. I heard dad's chair slide out from the table, then slide in as he pushed it in, a firm set of steps down the hallway, my door opened, he stepped in and up to my bed, removed me from my top bunk, firmly planted me on the floor on my back, straddled me, smashed his fist into the floor next to my head, then got in my fact to deliver hte message that if I was hot a kid he would kick my ass and to never, ever, disrespect his wife, my mother, our the home again. He then got up, left the room, closed the door, and went back to the family meal. I missed that meal.
Kids cannot be tolerated to disrespect the adults or anyone else in the home, they cannot be tolerated in attempts to dominate a SParent, the SParent's home, the SParent's marriage, or the SParent's family. Period dot.
I am not a SKid and my mom and dad made it clear that their home, marriage, and family were unassailable by kid bullshit.
As should be the case across the board regardless of the flavor of kid involved.
IMHO of course.
Stern talk
DH sternly spoke to him about respect and household expectations. Often times SS will act out to gain attention so it's a slippery slope. He doesn't care if it's negative attention, he loves the 1 on 1 time.. and yes, he gets plenty of time with DH.
SS lost tablet privileges for a long while (still hasn't earned it back) the week before for poor behavior. SS tends to spiral when these consequences happen. He digs himself into more trouble even when we tell him what could earn the privilege back with improved behavior.
Well played. Kids have their place, and it is never in an adult
Well played. Kids have their place, and it is never in an adult conversation.
We learned this very early. We made sure to not speak of the SpermClan in a derogatory fashion within earshot of then toddler aged SS. Or so we thought.
Our phone rang (pre cell phone days) and it was the DispShitIot calling to whine and cry to DW how he loved her and how he missed his family. DW laughed raucously at him, told he he should have thought of that before he screwed around on her with yet another 16yo statutory rape victim, then asked him if he wanted to speak to his son. DW then called toddler SS to the phone and told him it was the DipShitIot. She did not use any appropriate though derogatory terms with SS, just that he should say hello.
As soon as toddler SS heard the SpermIdiots voice he happily burst out "Hi Daddy Dickhead!". DW and I just about choked. Dickhead was confused and asked "What did you say?". DW took the phone, referenced a toddler learning to talk, a poor connection, etc.... Never again did we ever refer to DickHead by anything but his name. Fortunately the SpermIdiot's name sounds much like "DickHead", particularly with a barely talking toddler speaking it.
Kids have big ears. They are smart. So, be wary and never reference even a nasty and toxic blended family opposition parent by anything but their name any time kids, any kids, are in the house. As difficult as that may be. Even if the SKid is not present in the house at all, other kids may be, they talk. It is not beyond possibility that one may say to the SKid "My mom/dad or your mom/dad does not like the other parent.
Fortunately, SS32 does not recall that incident. We made sure to insulate him from our ire for the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool after that. Over the years he gained his own clarity on the entire picture and ultimately he recognized them for what they are and has put them in their place. That place is not in his adult life. At all.
Part of what helped us keep discussions of ... them..... out of our home and away from SS was having those conversations only on the telephone from work and, me finding some small communities that were precursors to finding STalk. I found STalk a couple of months before my SS turned 16. It has been a sanctuary ever since.
Vent here, never speak when the SKid is in or near your home or near any kids who may share with the SKids.
Many SKids are used by a toxic opposition as spies and agents for the shallow and polluted end of the kid's gene pool. Even kids who don't want to be manipulated. SS would get in hot water with the SpermClan, primarily SpermGrandHag, when he would call out their lies while on SpermLand on visitation in real time as he got older. They tried to get SS to spy. He did not fall for it, nor did he understand it. We were just his mom and dad, he knew we were a family. So when the SpermGrandHag would try to interrogate him on his real life, it never went well for the Hag. He told the truth, he called the Hag out for being mean, for lying, etc... She hated that.
While after the "Hi Daddy Dickhead!" incident when SS was a toddler, we did not speak of them in derogatory terms, we did share the facts and truth with SS when he asked questions. The facts and the truth were the potion that pissed the SpermGrandHag off to no end. She would call DW to harangue her on why SS knew about ...."that". She never figured out that to avoid getting her ass bared by a kid, all she needed to do was not lie, manipulate, or PAS him. Had she not done those things, he would likely have never asked questions requiring a full tour of the CO, Spermidiot arrest records, etc, etc, etc....
Stand your ground, defend your home, family, and marriage, and live your best life. Whatever it takes.
Take care of you.
BM and family are irrelevant to us
We rarely speak about BM. She's a facetime mom so other than BM's random hissy fits, it's as if she doesn't exist to DH and I. We could care less about BM and what her side of the family does. The issue lies with him sharing unwanted things during his nightly video chats with BM. She's a nasty person and often times it's about my or my bio kids personal information. That's why we told him that our lives (anyone in the family other than him) is not his mother's business. He has many conversations where he blurts information out and no one is prompting him to do so. Most of these things aren't being shared with SS, it's just from eavesdropping from other rooms. I realize he is a child, but it's unsettling to know the knowledge BM gains from SS that has nothing to do with him.
IMHO.. I would start talking
IMHO.. I would start talking about military school a lot.. just "in general" you know.. or that trip to Brazil.. etc.. just make stuff up.. l
I remember those days
SS was the youngest and I truly believe that he had undiagnosed ADHD and ODD. He was the youngest and we couldn't get two minutes alone. I remember one time we were on a family vacation, DH and I just needed a few minutes alone and asked family members to watch him while we went on a walk. Less than 5 minutes later here he comes running after us. Your probably just going to have to have any conversations quietly and out of earshot of SS when he is definitely sleeping or actively engaged with something. He will grow out of this when he gets older and his friends become more important and more interesting than the two of you.
You handled it correctly
Now what did DH do about slamming the door. Did SS get punished ? To reinforce his not eavesdrop. Or did DH do the Disney DADDDDY thing. Nothing ?
1. Take the door away. 2.
1. Take the door away.
2. Plant some seeds while being eavesdropped on. The kind that will teach a lesson and cause major disappointment. For example, a trip to Disney, ballgame, anything that skids would love to go to. If you are really brave, mention a possible pregnancy. That will make his little head spin.
To make this work you have to play stupid when the "overheard special thing" comes to light. Be incredulous when confronted with it then Turn the tables on him when he fesses up he heard you say it.
in my 20 years of steplife , I've come to the conclusion that there are some lessons only a stepparent can teach. Have fun with it.
Make up totally random things
Make up totally random things that will drive him bananas! Taste of his own medecine.