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I need strength

MorningMia's picture

On Thanksgiving morning, of course (following the ancient BM family pattern of "Look at me" on holidays), SD called DH and told him that her adopted adolescent daughter (who is the sister of step-son-in-law) is in the hospital because she tried to commit suicide. 

A big blow up had occurred the weekend before and that is when it happened (so why didn't SD tell him on another day?) 

Some background: SSIL was living at home in his late 20s when he met SD, also living with mommy in her late 20s. They got engaged 6 months after dating, and they got married 6 months later. Next thing we know, things are in motion to adopt his little sister (very long and ugly story). DH suspected that SSIL had been looking for the "right woman" not necessarily to fall in love with and marry but to help him "save" his little sister. 

Since they married, they have also popped out three kids in 3 years, and SSIL is not the primary breadwinner. We believe they are into the "Quiverful movement," where God--not you--determines how many children you will have. So they have not been using birth control. (You can't make this s*** up. . . why did this amount of crazy land in my lap? lol)  

I have met the adopted daughter. What I saw was somewhat of a problematic child (even my super friendly dog lunged at her in defense of herself when we had told the girl to leave the arthritic dog alone) who was treated like the third wheel. SD once accidentally sent me a text about her ambivalent feelings about the adoption (she meant to send the text to a friend). In the little bit that I saw, the girl was treated like an outcast in the family, and I truly felt bad for her. SD would roll her eyes at her, etc. When SD calls/texts DH, she NEVER mentions this girl. She just reports on the bios. It is sad and disgusting. What I do know is that they are very strict (I'd say overly strict) with her. They remind me of one of those families I knew in high school where the parents were so rigid that the kids went wild. 

My dilemma: My true self would like us to reach out to this girl. I suggested to DH that we buy her an iPad "for Christmas" and/or some books, but DH would have to ask permission about the iPad, as social media is one thing the parents are really restrictive about. In my heart, I would like to let her know we are thinking about her. 

My other self says DO NOT DO THIS and SHUT YOUR MOUTH. History says that any kind movement from my end especially will be rejected and thrown back in our faces. We have not been "allowed" to be involved in these people's lives; the years have been nothing but secrets (SD only told DH this, I believe, out of sheer desperation if not for attention because of the pressures on her. . . and "look at me" during the holiday). 

I've now let the suggestions out of the bag to DH and he says he is going to call SD. Now I want to tell him to please not offer gifts after all. My gut is telling me/us to step back, stay back, and let all of this be their problem. I also feel like telling DH to be honest with SD and tell her we feel awful for this girl and our instincts say to do nice things for her, but we get s*** thrown back at us anytime we do anything, so we are stepping back. 

Perhaps the best thing to do is remain silent. That really goes against my nature, but. . . .  Thoughts? 
Thanks. 

 

Comments

AlmostGone834's picture

Tell DH you had a moment of temporary insanity and you've decided it is really best to stay out of it. No good deed goes unpunished and it's far better to just avoid these black holes and protect your peace. I definitely wouldn't get involved. It sounds like a complete sh- show. 
 

Oh and funny how these people who have a billion and one kids are always the first to cry for $ help when they can't pay for the gigantic family they created. 

CajunMom's picture

Temporary insanity.....seriously....you know anything you do will be thrown back in your face. STOP. You have to recognize this...you are a good person. Your SD takes advantage of good people. You have your answer. Best to you. Hopefully, your DH will recognize this would be a huge mistake and back you.

MorningMia's picture

It was a moment of temporary insanity! DH and I went for a walk and discussed this. We have decided together NOT to do anything. No good deed goes unpunished. Even telling DH about this was probably #1 to draw him in to drama (they keep EVERYTHING a secret from him). And it ain't my circus. 

Thank you. 

JRI's picture

In a perfect world, your kind instincts would be helpful and appreciated.  In Step world, everything you would do would be misinterpreted and could make the situation worse.  Hopefully, the hospital will hook her up with some kind of therapy.  A sad situation.

MorningMia's picture

I am assuming they will be also strongly recommending some kind of family therapy, which is probably the best thing that could happen, as I believe this girl has some seriously valid complaints about her seemingly hyper-restrictive home life. In truth, SD also needs to be knocked off her high horse of "adolescent therapist," which is the biggest joke of the century. I wonder what her clients' parents would think of their kids' therapist having a kid who just tried to off herself. Sigh. 

grannyd's picture

Ah, JRI,

Back in 2016, my DH and I rescued an 18-year-old girl who, after leaving the local food bank where we were depositing soups and cereals, was trudging down the sidewalk in the pouring rain. Her paper bag had disintegrated and she was transferring her assortment of canned goods into a collapsing umbrella. 

For the next year, we sponsored this young woman; buying her furniture, a computer and other essentials (she lived in a government supported apartment with less than the bare necessities).

We soon found ourselves in surreal situations that we’d never imagined nor experienced in our long lives. Visits to the local police station (drug issues), problems with her landlord (she kept forgetting/losing her keys), and jaunts to the local hospital (bad drug trips). 

Finally, after refusing to heed my DH’s insistence about how best to protect her welfare check, the full amount was seized by the income tax folks in order to cover her outstanding balance. 

After another hospitalization, due to a serious acid reaction, our girl decided to return to the city of her birth. Her parents (dad had been sexually abusing her for a decade) were forbidden (and unwilling) to house her but the folks at Covenant House (Toronto) offered a placement. My DH (a retired high school teacher/principal) had worked tirelessly to find a decent home for our ‘Waif’ and finally succeeded. 

We drove her some 150 miles to her Toronto location with $500.00 of grannyd/DH bucks in her pocket. Never heard from her again.

Those 'kind instincts', Hon.....

ImperfectlyPerfect's picture

@grannyd you are an excellent writer - I can picture the story and your first paragraph in my mind as if I was there with you. 

thinkthrice's picture

Sadly there is a reason 90% of hard luck cases stay that way.   Mostly due to their own repetitive poor decision making and lack of proper priorities.  I helped my son's childhood friend recently by hiring him/giving him clothes, etc, but the other day he was walking diwn the street smoking even though he has health problems and currently is impoverished.  His own extremely strict parents ruined him.

Harry's picture

You will be wrong in doing it.  Save $ 100,s of dollars bd not buy a iPad.  Maybe a $ 100 gift card  so she can buy personal items she wants abd no one will supply her with.  Make up...clothing. Ect.   If they are trying to adopt his sister.  Some crazy things are going on.  I know you want to help but you don't want to take I care of her,   

MorningMia's picture

By the way, as per the usual cult MO and rules, SS (whom DH has spoken with at least twice recently) hasn't mentioned a word about any of this. He is living with mommy just a few miles from SD and they are all severely enmeshed, so it's not like he doesn't know. I think BM would be furious if she knew SD told DH about this crisis. . . anything that warps the image she imagines she portrays of being a serene Godly woman living the perfect life. Once DH lets SS know he knows about this (because I know he will), SS will run to mommy with that news and BM's head will pop off once again. God, I cannot stand these people. Breathe in. Breathe out. I'm going to the gym.