You are here

Baby #2, DH guilt and teens

SMto3's picture

SS24 has another baby on the way. Not sure how they will get out of public housing now. I'm sure those boxing dreams are dead and done. I encourage DH to see them when he has free time and the last time he went, he said that he had to have a good talk with SS24 about their living conditions. Per DH, they live in a horrible mess, and SS24 is blaming it on his BM's father (who owns the apartment and lives with them all). I reminded DH that SS was always very dirty and lived in filth (see prior blogs). It was one of the many things I found difficult to live with about him. SS being who he is will always blame someone else and I'm not sure how DH always falls for it.

Well, he also mentioned that he wants to help them paint the apartment, which to me is also senselesss.  There are 3 grown men who live there (SS24's FIL, SS24 and SS19). They can't figure out how to paint??? DH has to take time away from us to go paint their apartment?? He goes "well I haven't done anything for them for years". And my question to him was "what exactly should you have been for them these past few years?" We provided them with a safe home to live in, food in the fridge, and SS24 could barely pay us the 300-500 monthly because he always had excuses. He always found money for other things though. And he allowed SS19 to drop out of school but I had boundaries on what I would allow SSs to do, hence SS19 had to leave. 

Lastly, a few years ago, I had created a chat for the 3 stepkids, my DD, myself and DH. SS24 barely used it, but suddenly decided last year to create a new family group which consisted of the same exact people and the goal was "to allow us to have input as a family". I was confused because he was already moved out so we didn't have to make decisions together anymore (we never did when we lived together). I thought it was a ploy to involve us in his baby's life because I'm sure he was worried about having a baby with no family helping. In any case, I send messages at times, and this past week I sent a video of DD's martial arts training. All but SS14 responded. It made me notice he never really participates, which I guess makes sense since he lives in another state (maybe he doesn't feel connnected?). But I have reached out to him in the past year and asked him to at least respond to DDs messages because it makes her feel bad that he essentially ignores her. 

Steplife is not for the weak. 



JRI's picture

You've done about all you can do.  It's painful to watch consequences fall down on family members.

If your DH wants to go help paint, I'd say "go for it".  You know it won't turn out well but let him experience it all.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

He may get a reality check if he spends time there. If those 3 grown men let DH do most of the work, he might see things for what they are. 

Lillywy00's picture

Well, he also mentioned that he wants to help them paint the apartment, which to me is also senselesss.  There are 3 grown men who live there (SS24's FIL, SS24 and SS19). They can't figure out how to paint??? 


The time to help them learn to clean after themselves, paint, etc was around ages 12 -17 

If you say anything it could trigger a defense mechanism in your husband where deep, deep, deep, deep down he knows he done effed up parenting his sons 


They are grown men. 

Let them YouTube it; figure it out themselves 

SMto3's picture

"The boys" figured it out, without DH. 

CLove's picture

Probably his only way of spending time with them...because of messes.

Shieldmaiden's picture

Good job on setting those boundaries and telling DH how silly some of his ideas are. My DH does the same thing. Its like he occasionally loses his higher thinking capacity when it comes to certain SD's, who he treats like they are dumb. Those SD's try very hard to live up to his expectations of stupidity, too. 

Its funny that he only sees the filth when its at SS's house, not when SS lived with you guys  Again, that guility dad blindness sets in. I would tell DH that if he paints the SS's house, he needs to paint yours first. LOL. 


Rags's picture

My FIL was on home dialysis. He had to sit in a collapsible metal chair in the hallway watching a tiny TV (like 20 inches) from across the living room about 30ft away. So, one day while MIL was at work we reorganized the living room, I bought a 55" TV, and we hauled about 10 SUV loads of crap to GoodWill. Mostly puzzles.  All from GoodWill all with at least one piece missing which my MIL would write on each puzzle box after she put them together.  Hundreds of puzzles.  

The way we rearranged the living room FIL could sit in his big arm chair, hooked to his dialysis tubes, watching TV comfortably.  So instead of 8hrs a day of folding chair misery he was comfortable and could see and hear the TV.  My DW was anxiety riddled when I bought the TV. "Mom is going to be so mad!" and it grew as I hauled hundreds of boxes of crap to GoodWill.  DW was right. MIL was tight jawed for several days after I bought the TV, hauled off all of the crap, and rearranged the living room so FIL had fewer trip hazards, could be comfortble during dialysis, and could easily put on and take off his boots.

MIL stood on the hill that if he is too comfortable FIL would not move and his physical capabilities would regress. Nope, he was rested, he was comfortable, he got far more active. Though that was not my intent, it was the result of an intelligent application of changes to make things easier and more pleasant for them both.  

Now, well over a decade after my not giving a shit TV purchase, living room rearranging, and decluttering 10 or so GoodWill runs, the living room is just about as I set it up.  A couple of more pieces of furniture, but no major changes.



My give a shit about people is zero when they will not make things better for themselves. So I do it and they can appreciate it, or..... not. 

I have not done any of the family group projects other than pay for them.  BIL1, BIL2, and SIL and their spouses do the work. The painting, installing ceiling fans and lights, swapping the bathtub for a zero transition shower with grab bars and a shower seat, etc....

Interestingly, when they do it, MIL is all happy even when it is a surprise. When we do stuff, it pisses her off.

MIL has had an issue with my DW since DW was 19yo. We bought a new home just before DW's 20th.  A year later my entire IL clan visited after BIL1's HS graduation.  MIL was tight jawed the whole visit.  FIL took DW for a walk and got on her for causing issues with MIL because DW's life was the life that MIL aways wanted. It wasn't fair that DW had a brand new site built home, we had decent cars, etc....

Oh well.


Things are starting to get cluttered again. MIL gets very nervous anytime I visit these days.


SMto3's picture

MIL was upset because her daughter had a life she always wanted. That story is nuts!