Step son out of control ending marriage!?!Help!
10 year old step son pulled a knife on my 12 year old daughter, I'm I right for calling it quits?
There have many problems since my DH and I got married (less than a year), we are both the only parent in our children's lives. At first step son absolutely loved me and was so happy he had a mom again, then the cuteness stopped and it started becoming strange. He began to hug inappropriately (head in boobs, rubbing his man part against us females), cuddling got weird because when would try to move his head around on my lap. I had to cut off affection down to head pats only because of this behavior, which I explained to him many many times was super inappropriate, but he kept trying it.
He would also sneak in my daughters roooms in the middle of the night and stare at them while they sleep, other times try to peak at them while they were changing, to the point where we had to install top locks on the doors. Lots of lying and manipulation to DH too, also he started being destructive like he broke our tv, he punched a door until it broke, broke another doors handle, was throwing metal object at my car, etc. one time I tried to discipline and tell him no and he tried to headbutt me. I come from a background of being abused and even though he's a child it triggered my ptsd.
Final straw was he pulled a knife on my daughter after he called her a lesbian and she called him a porno binger (we caught a couple sneaking porn of step sisters, step moms, beastyality, and rough porn). So he got pissed that she brought it up and he pulled the when her back was to him but my oldest daughter saw and stopped him. DH took him to a behavioral center for about a week, but they only diagnosed him with depression and didn't address all the other strange behaviors. My daughters are scared in our own home (previously only my home, DH and Step son moved in). DH and I got into it and he asked me what I wanted I said it didn't matter what I wanted, that I do love him but I have to protect my minor children first from harm and that the situation wasn't safe. So he left and went to his old house when I told him I didn't think this was fixable.
Am I right for ending it? am I being irrational? Or am I right to be a protective mama? It's not like it's happened over night, it's been a problem for months and I kept asking DH to address the issues and teach the boy that they were unhealthy behaviors, but DH is not a good discipliner at all, so now we are here about to start divorce and moving all his stuff out. Advice please?!
Sounds like someone has been
Sounds like someone has been gaslighting you...
So, youir SS has shown inappropriate behaviour for some considerable time now, your tried to divert it, you told your husband and he did absolutely nothing because he isn't a good disciplinarian. In other words, he probably thinks "but he's just a child" or possibly "boys will be boys, besides which he's allowing his son to go down a path that will end badly for him.
Trust me when I say that the last thing you are being is irrational. You have observed, you have done what you could and now it's beyond your capacities. As Yesterdays said, your first duty is to keep your daughters safe - they are way above coddling your troubled SS on your list of priorities. You did exactly what you needed to do - you protected your daughters by having SS and his father move out. What kind of a man observes his son's disturbing behaviour and does nothing about it?
Another thing, it's not unusual for boys to explore porn but your SS's choice of viewing is particularly disturbing. I, too, wonder whether he hasn't been sexually abused in the past.
OMG yes, that's what I feel
OMG yes, that's what I feel like DH is thinking but won't openly say to me. Plus like you said what kind of father doesn't do everything in his power to stop this kind of erratic nasty behavior. I would tel DH them he would have a talk with ss, but the child kept doing it, and would act like he "forgot", yet this is a child that is extremely intelligent and has a great enough to bring up facts most kids can't retain and recite on the drop of a hat, so I know he's not forgetting. The coddling part is where I didn't know if I was cruel by not wanting to be there for the child, but my heart and instinct went into mama mode and told me that my girls come first. Of course with society and all the fairytales of evil step moms, I just needed validation. I know boys can be curious around the puberty age, but his choice of viewing is very very scary and I don't think I can ever see the child the same or trust him around my kids. Thank you for your words
OMG, I want to tear my hair
OMG, I want to tear my hair out when I hear about parents who think a "talk"is discipline. Don't get me wrong, talking is useful to let the kid know what you expect from them AND what the consequences will be if they don't follow through. However, once the behaviour is off the rails, talking is a waste of time, that's when consequences are required.
Your STBXH is the cause of this problem.
As for societal demonization of SParents, that is so counter to reality and the facts that it is societally pathetic. Evil Disney StepMoms and popular film murdering perve StepDads...... Certainly historically there were periods where SParents were detrimental to a kid's happiness. My own GM had a SM that she detested and commented about well into her 80s.
These days seemingly the only group of people with a consistently clear view of the quality of a child is a SParent. We see reality unfiltered with the fee fee amplified rose colored glasses that the genetic breeders of these shit spawn cannot. We also see these nasty spawn far more clearly than the naivette indoctrinated child worshipping educators, care givers, school administrators, etc.... can. Two of my SILs (DW's sister and BIL1's bovine bride) are assistants in SpermLand schools. The stories they tell about violent, profane, unruly, nasty, smelly shit spawn and their toothless moron parents who rant about teachers, principals, etc... is nauseating. Even those two SILs follow their frustrations regarding the kids run amok and not being able to effectively deal with them due to ridiculous rules that prevents a smack to the ass and a twisted ear march to a corner where the nose is firmly planted for a week or two, with an immediate flip flop along the lines of "But when Little Jimmy and Little Karen are quiet, the are so sweeeeeeeet." Nope, shit spawn is shit spawn. Just because they are not screaming banshee violent profane little shiits all of hte time, they are still shit. Sadly, they are also the product of shit parents.
IMHO.
It is if a mass lemming migration of willfully blind child centric failed parents and adults has been indoctrinated by the societally wide Children of the Corn, It's Alive, The Omen demon spawn infestation. Kids assaulting teachers in schools, morons demonizing a parent that swats the ass of an ill behaved spawn, lippy kids being empowered by morons who profess that the kids fee fees matter or that their toxic disrespectfal words/opinions are legitimate.
Oh for the days when kids were raised to be polite, well behaved, respectful and the ones who could not maintain those standards were seen and not heard if they were seen at all.
Your STBXH and STBXSKid are the mascots of this tragic phenomenon
Fortuantely there are far more of parents and kids who are of quality. Like you and your girls.
Just call me Scrooge McGrinch.
Though likely surprising, I love kids. And they love me. Even the ones whose parents let them run amok. I speak with them as humans, no diminutive baby talk, and I make it clear what is appropriate and what isn't. iI affirm appropriate, and I confront the inappropriate. At parties and events they are around me as I read to them or we are outside playing, climbing play scapes, running around, looking for bugs, birds, or rocks, etc....
Not infrequently the parents of usually ill behaved shit kids will comment either to me or to my DW how great their kid is with me, or how the kids always gravitate to me at gatherings and talk about me after.
As intollerant as I am regarding ill behaved kids, that they seem to engage willingly with me is often surprising to their parents.
IMHO this is kind of like the Dog Whisperer. Confident engagement tolerating no kid bullshit tends to return well behaved kids and minimal crap.
This is spot on: These days
This is spot on: These days seemingly the only group of people with a consistently clear view of the quality of a child is a SParent.
What kind of man?
What kind of a man observes his son's disturbing behaviour and does nothing about it?
IMHO, this POS is no man.
Run!
Your SS is exhibiting some very dangerous and scary behaviors. Add in that his father does NOTHING....you simply cannot keep your children in that situation. Nor yourself. As your SS gets older, he'll get stronger and will start attacking you. Probably the father, too. Others have given you excellent advice. He's gone back to his old house...let him stay. Get to an attorney, begin the process to end the marriage. I'm sorry..I know none of us get married to get divorced but some circumstances just force our hand.
Best to you.
You are right. He is 10 and
You are right. He is 10 and he's only going to get bigger and stronger and eventually he will be able to physically overpower you and your daughters. I'm glad you didn't wait. Hopefully your DH (ex) gets him the help he needs but you and your daughters cannot live with this kid.
Hoooooooooly sheeeeeeet yes
Hoooooooooly sheeeeeeet yes woman. 1000x yes! You absolutely did the right thing.
I don't even have kids but I can tell right away that little psycho has got some major issues. We are talking serial rapist-level problems. Dont let your husband try to gaslight you either by telling you some version of "he's not that bad". Oh yes he is!! Did you ever see The Omen? The antichrist didn't even throw up this many red flags as a child.
One thing to remember
You really can't make a child do anything or stop any behaved. Unless they want to. Only so much punishment / rewarding you can do. When the child figures out there nothing you can do. You lose. Normal children want to be love, fit in, wants parent approval. These kids don't care in a world of there own.
IMHO, a parent with spine can
IMHO, a parent with spine can. If the goal is proper kid behavior and not the kids fee fees.
Delivering an escalating state of abject misery regardless of kid tears, fee fees, anger, etc... and in spite of the gnashing of teeth of the toxic X/opposition.
Maybe some time alone with
Maybe some time alone with the little psychopath is just what dear old daddy needs. All the consequences come directly at him then.
Eliminating them from the home is good role modeling for your own daughters. You have basic expectations of behavior for yourself. It's a most important life lesson for them to witness.
You're doing the right thing.
You're doing the right thing. The behaviours your SS is demonstrating are very concerning. I actually am a child psychologist and can tell you that there could be many reasons for his behaviour. People often think prior sexual abuse, and that's possible, but please try to focus on the behaviour vs the why. For you, it's the behaviour that's important. Regardless of why he's doing it, you need to protect your daughters from it. You can have compassion for him and still recognize that you have to insulate yourself and your daughters. The "why" he's behaving in these ways is for your DH to address. Removing himself and his son from the blended family/home is the consequence, and natural consequences are always the most effective. Now DH needs to show compassion for his son who, whether he shows it or not, is going to feel abandoned. The best thing your DH can do is love his son, while also being firm that the two of them (with professional) help, need to figure out what's going on and change it. Try not to be too hard on DH for not acting decisively sooner. No parent wants to believe that there's something wrong with their child. I've seen it over and over again. It's not bad parenting, it's worry and grieving.
You are 100% right in having
You are 100% right in having your H and his son leave your home. Your SS's behavior is VERY concerning, and even absent the knife incident, your daughters don't feel safe in their own home, which is unacceptable. The knife incident ramps it up to dangerous criminal behavior, and totally justifies NEVER allowing your daughters to be alone with that boy. Your primary responsibility is to ypur daughters. Under no circumstance would I allow my daughters to live in the same house as SS. If that meant giving up the relationship with H, I'd do that in a minute.
Just adding to the chorus:
Just adding to the chorus: you absolutely did the right thing. No doubt about it.
From what you describe, it doesn't just sound like a lack of discipline. That child sounds like he has very real psychological problems -- ones that could get him into very serious trouble some day if left untreated. Lots of parents dig their heads in the sand when it comes to matters like this. I can only hope for SS's sake (and the sakes of his potential future victims) that DH gets his head out of his ass and gets his child into some sort of treatment.
The only thing you did wrong was to wait this long to end it.
You are right.
With the level of crap this kid has perpetrated your STBXH is markedly absent in correcting any of these behaviors his son is perpetrating.
Why did he take the kid out of the treatment center? That kid has no business anywhere but locked in a padded room in a facility that can keep him medicated to the state of a drooling zombie.
I would press charges, against this kid, file an RO/PO against this kid, notify his school of his behaviors, and start the process of building an official record of his crap. He will end up hurting or killing someone. The best you can do is make sure that it isn't you or your DDs that he rapes, assaults, molests, or murders. Sadly, some little girl will be his first severaly damaged victim and it won't stop there until he is an adult convict and prison inmate. To protect women and girls for the next 8 years until he is put in prison will take his father actually growing some balls, man-ing up, disciplining and parenting this little monster of a pervert. Even at 10yo, this kid needs to be on the sexual preditor list so anyone and everyone can learn about him and make sure he does not live anywhere near them.
Your eldest DD is a rockstar for protecting her little sister from this monster.
You are not only doing the right thing, you are doing the only thing that an intelligent confident adult and parent can do to end the threat this kid and failed daddy represent to you and your children.
I'm so sorry that your new marriage has turned out to be a nightmare.
Take care of you.
When we have children it is
When we have children it is our job to protect them and teach them that they have value. You have done both for your girls. Good on you Mom!
Run and never look back!
Run and never look back! Protect your chld at all costs.
You are right...
If you and DH want to try to work on a relationship that doesn't involve cohabitation until the children are grown, that would be the only viable path to a relationship.
If something that you never could have predicted harms your child, you will spend the rest of your life feeling guilty you didn't do something to prevent it.
If something provides you this much direct bright red flag warnings that your children are in danger, and you don't take action, there just isn't anyway to accept that decision. It is morally indefensible not to prioritize keeping your children safe from severe physical harm over your relationship.
If you've been married less
If you've been married less then a year & SS is acting like this. There is no way your DH did not know about this type of antisocial behavior before moving in with you.
I agree with the others, my son was taller and bigger then me at 11. You need to act now to protect yourself and your children. What if your oldest hadn't stopped him?
10 year old step son pulled a
Yes. You are absolutely right for calling it quits.
At the very least 10 year old should never be allowed in your house or around your daughter again.
Violence, threats of violence, intimidation inside your home should never be tolerated nor given multiple chances to escalate into something that becomes point of no return.
ONE and DONE!
LADIES! Stop moving men and their dependents into your peaceful homes.
Your uterus should shrivel and your walls should go drier than styrofoam at the mere suggestion of a "man" asking to bring himself plus import his baggage into your home like a homeless person.
If you decide to ever go against nature and move a man in into your peaceful abode in the future at least run a FICO report, FBI level background check, and a psychological evaluation on him AND his dependents before agreeing.