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Runaway Train

51884518's picture

My BF's son is terrible! I feel like I'm on a runaway train and I think it's way past the time to jump off...

I am a 35 year old single mom to an almost 11 year old son. It's always just been him and I and while I've dated people since having him, I would say the relationship I'm in now has been the most serious. I've been dating my BF, who is a single father of a 12 year old kid, for almost a year now. My boyfriend speaks of marriage quite often and the next step in our relationship, for him anyway, is moving in together. I own my home, a 3 bedroom, and he would move here. While I could rattle off a number of issues with our relationship the main one is his son - it's a deal breaker and I haven't had the heart to tell my boyfriend. However, his increased talk of moving in is forcing my hand here. A little background...

His son goes to school for kids with behavioral issues in an impoverished area in my state. He is physically aggressive and has on a number of occasions been physical with my son. One incident, I walked into my son's room to my BF's son pushing him to the ground. I literally pushed my BF's son away and screamed keep your hands off my son! Another incident, he purposely crossed in front of my son while riding bikes and my son crashed and face planted. Blood was everywhere and my son's face was scraped pretty badly, his face now has a pretty prominent scar (praying it goes completely away in a few months). My son told me a few months after it happened that his son once threatened him with a pocket knife. He calls my son fat, tells him that he could beat him up and that I am not a good mother because my son is disrespectful. He has pissed off two of my neighbors because he goes outside and uses inappropriate language or teases their dogs that are in the windows. He comes to my house eats all my food, sneaks snacks he is told are for my son. I took the boys to my parents house to swim in their pool, and my BF's son wasn't listening to my mom and now they don't like him. This kid has been suspended from school for calling his teacher a gay slur and touching a girl's butt. He is too rough with my dogs and jumps on my furniture. My BF just bought his son a phone and the second day he had it, my BF found he was looking at porn! He is 12! His son is pretty much atrocious and his father thinks this is all just a "boy being a boy" and makes a million and one excuses for his behavior.

There is absolutely no way I can live with this kid. Today he wanted me to "stay with him" while he went to the gym and I made up a reason why I couldn't. He wanted me to "stay with him" this Sunday so he could go on a fishing trip and I told him I was busy. He seemed upset by it but under no circumstances do I want to babysit this kid. He thinks his son is no big deal and while we haven't had a major incident in a while, I still don't want to deal with his son alone nor do I want to set a habit of me watching his son. 

I care about my boyfriend, but when I think of a future it is fraught with only anxiety. 


Kes's picture

As I read through your post, I felt SO relieved that you are not letting your BF and his son move in.  He has allowed (and encouraged, by his inaction) his son to become all the things he is - ie aggressive, unpleasant and out of control.  This is very, very unlikely to change - can you imagine what he will be like as a teenager?    And your BF is asking you to babysit this monster he has created?  Eff that.  You are only 34, there will be plenty of other chances for a rewarding relationship.  My advice is to throw this one back.  

JRI's picture

You do not want BF moving in, no, no, no.  This boy is already a nightmare and will only get worse.  Break it off for your sake and your son's sake, the sooner the better.  No relationship is good enough to endure this dangerous potential stepson.

I'm also giving the evil eye to dad wanting a babysitter for the gym and fishing trip. If this is how it is, him wanting you to babysit Godzilla all the time while he does his recreational activities, just imagine what it would be if you married.


Winterglow's picture

Good for you for standing your ground! Tell me, why can't he take his son with him to the gym and on fishing trips? Those are pretty good father-son bonding experiences. Maybe suggest it next time?

By the way, the reason he thinks his son isn't a problem is because he spends so little time with him on his own and has absolutely no idea ...

51884518's picture

Exactly! My Bf was out of work as a truck driver due to COVID but typically works 3rd shift. With all the talks of moving in together I kept saying, why don't you find a first shift and he doesn't want to. He believes any shift other than 3rd is too stressful. So instead, he makes his mom pick his son up after she is done working to bring his son to her house for the night...and bring him back in the morning. So I suggested he find a shift where she didn't have to do that...his explanation is they are family and that's her job. So immediately I was like wow that's selfish. So when I brought up if we move in I don't want to be stuck with his kid he says well his mom will have him 70% of the time and I'll have him 30% of the time. Why the hell do I get him any % of the time. He isn't my damn kid?!? 
this is all disappointing because in the absence of his kid o really enjoy our relationship but I know they are a package and I clearly let this train go for far too long....

Sparkl3s's picture

Whaat.....Can you imagine his expectations of you and role your as a bonus mommy once you move in.... blah.... listen to your gut. Protect your son from his son. He treats his "family" like that, I wonder where his son gets his entitlement. 


The_Upgrade's picture

Yep, they are a package. And if you think a 12 year old is bad, what odds do you think he has of successfully launching by age 18 if your BF lets his behaviour get worse for the foreseeable future? You'll never be rid of him. 

Winterglow's picture

Now that makes me mad! It's his EFFIN' job to look after his son because he's his EFFIN' FATHER!

Clearly, he doesn't want to have any responsibility for his child - pathetic! I am so glad you didn't get sucked in to this mess.

tog redux's picture

Please heed the red flags and have that conversation with your BF - you should have had it the first time he deliberately hurt your son.  Frankly, your son deserves better, don't have him around BF's son at all - BF can come over when his son is with his mother.

Kids with behavioral disorders need firm parenting - given how your BF parents, this boy is only going to worse and more dangerous.

JRI's picture

See how he is treating his mother: it's "her job" to babysit Godzilla because "family"?   He would treat a wife the same, or worse.

I feel sorry for Grandma.

Ispofacto's picture

"My son told me a few months after it happened that Bratley once threatened him with a pocket knife."

So Bratley has a Conduct Disorder and is a budding Sociopath.  Next time the little sh!t may very well stab him.  Never expose you son to Bratley, ever again.


Harry's picture

I expect he's not getting professional help. Like a few times a week , not the help  in school, or once every two month.

You are right in the way you feel. I would not let this kid in my home. Either.  His father has to do something, anything , except just wishing he will get better. Then again in a few years the police will handle this for him.

51884518's picture

Yes! That's exactly what I told him. He had the audacity to tell me my son will get beat up having the type of attitude he has (only toward his son, mind you)...and I said well your son will end up in jail. I guess you've picked jail as a better option since you think your sons behavior is acceptable. He said, his son won't ever be in jail. Delusional! Typing out my complaints and reading responses is building up some confidence to pull the plug on this thank you for the feedback! 

BethAnne's picture

Sounds like it is time to either stop the train at the station and just do adult dates with this man and no mixing of kids or just deboard all together and let your boyfriend and his son chug along to their own destination while you and your son get some peace in your life and leave them behind. 

Your boyfriend clearly has no intension of changing his parenting habits to help make you and your son more comfortable. Things will only get worse if you move in together. 

Rags's picture

Welcome. I hope that you find this to be a good place to vent, contribute, and pick up some good advice and perspective from others who are living the blended family dream.

So, you know what you have to do. You have outlined both the situation and your course of action. Don't delay.  Just end it.  Your SO is gaslighting you and facilitating this kid's crap.

Move on. Live your life. Protect your kid.