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Adult Stepdaughter ruining my marriage......HELP! ADVICE?

globug's picture

Long time lurker, first time poster. I have a long one here, but wanted to get all the details and background in...

I married my wife a number of years ago, when she had 3 & 4 yr old daughters. The dad was many states away and non-existent for years at a time. The 4 yr old was a "pill" to say the least, and we never got close. However, I never called them step-daughters, treated them as my own, and was proud to be an "instant parent". We had another daughter in 2000. The dad only paid child support occasionally for his two daughters, and that was only when the state was garnishing his wages, but then he'd quit when they started garnishing and take another construction job to avoid the state, and the last time I remembered he was like 25k behind in child support. This was not my problem though, and I didn't get involved, and didn't need the money to raise my family.

When the oldest was 14-15, she became very rebellious, breaking our rules on a regular basis, like when we were going out to the movies and we told the girls "no company", she would invite boys over and I would find out later, courtesty of my 7 year old "snitch". The confrontations led to statements: "I hate you, I wanna live with my real-dad" etc...

It got to a point that we told her "okay", we'll pay for a plane ticket, you fly out and spend the summer with him and his new family, and see how you like it. We "want you to be happy" etc.. It wasn't two weeks into it that she wanted to come back, because he had similar rules and regs. So...we let her come back, and she was pretty good for a couple weeks, and then it all started again, the defiance, attitude, disobeying the rules etc..

Shortly after this, behind our backs, the father was making promises to the oldest one, telling her that he'd file for custody of her, he'd buy her a car, get her her own room in the house etc.

I now know this was a ploy, and that if he got custody of "one" of the daughters, it cancelled out his child support and he didn't have to pay any. I strongly believed, because he never sent christmas cards, called etc for years at a time, this was his only motivation...

One day we get a call from the dad telling us that he "got custody" of her, and he needed her out there the next week, but we didn't believe him at the time. In a short period we found out that he gave an address to the courts that we lived at 7 years prior, 7 years earlier, so they sent the documents to that address, we didn't get it, they held the custody case in our absence and filed an order granting him custody in our absence. When we found out, we were furious, and because the dad is a deadbeat, jumping from construction to construction job, has a criminal history etc....and we are professionals in the business world with a six-figure combined income etc, it would be an easy sell in the courts and we'd get custody back, we sought an atty.

Before finalizing plans with the attorney, and paying thousands of dollars to fight this, we had a talk with the daughter about "what she wanted", and she was adamant that she wanted him to have custody. She was now 16, and "almost" an adult, and we questioned why we would fight to get custody back, when she didn't want to live with us. We erred on the side of giving her what she wanted, and bought her a plane ticket back to him. In retrospect, maybe that was a big mistake..?

Living with him didn't work out, and she didn't want to live with us either, so in a compromise, she went to live with widower grandad near her dad, and did okay for about 2 years. Then she met a girl with a coke habit, and shortly before graduating from high school, got busted buying cocaine with her friend, arrested and spent 3 days in jail before grandad found out and bailed her out. She claims, (and I mostly believed her, mainly because she has been tested weekly for a year straight and is on NOTHING) that she doesn't have any habit, just that her and her friend smoked marijuana 12-15 x and her friend let her try powder-cocaine twice, and this attempt to get cocaine in which they got busted was the third time.

We flew out and worked with the DA on her behalf to let her finish high school, and because she had shown interest in joining the Air Force, got the DA to agree to a contract that if she went in a branch of the military for 4 yrs, served the term successfully, that she'd never be brought to trial on the charges and they would disappear.

We brought her back home with us for supervision in leiu of house arrest, she got a job as a cashier at a big department store, roomed with the middle daughter in our 3-bedroom house, I took her to the recruiting station and got the ball rolling, and the Air Force didn't want her because of the criminal history, but the Navy said we could do a waiver, so we got that rolling and things looked great.

Then, she didn't like our rules, specifically the ones about the hoodlum boys she was interested in coming out to our nice house in the country, and insisted she could get an apartment nearby and make it on her own. (disappointingly to me and the wife, she likes black boys, the more hoodlum with the baggy pants, the better) We helped her get an apartment, and everything seemed good for the moment.

Then we get a call in tears from her to come to the store and get her car and possessions, but wouldn't tell us why. We get there, meet the manager, take possession and find out she's been arrested. The details was that as a cashier, she was putting money on gift cards and then coming back when off duty and purchasing stuff to fix up her apartment, to the tune of $6000.00.

We refused to bail her out, but she had some cash at her apartment which we picked up for her to post bond. She lost that job of course.

In her first court appearance, the judge asked about an attorney, she said she didn't have the $$, nor a job, so I assumed they would appoint her one after she filled out a financial affidavit to that effect. On principal, the wife and I refused to pay for an atty for her, her problems, she's gonna have to figure it out. The court re-set the case, and the next time, same story, no money, no attorney, no job, so they re-set the case again. The third time, she now had a job, so the judge told her to save some $$ and get an attorney. Fourth appearance, she still doesn't have the money, same story.

She has two jobs, but hasn't gotten paid at either yet, and looking at her finances, I don't think she can save for an atty and pay her rent.

Since she broke her contract with the DA in the other state, by not going in the military by October of last year, now she's going to have to face the charges there (they don't know about it yet). She now has a court case here, and will probably do jail time in the other state when they figure out she isn't in the military yet. I don't know what advice to give her, but I almost want to call the DA in the other state and let him know what has transpired so they can go ahead and issue a warrant for her and get this thing on a roll and over with.

She now wants to move back in, to save $$ for the atty here supposedly, but I don't want her to for various reasons, not in any particular order:

1. Although we live in a very nice, big, house on some acreage in the country, it is only a 3-bedroom and my well structured, hard working, staying out of trouble, straight-A student middle daughter, who is already signed up for college classes because she graduates soon, shouldn't have to share her room and be inconvenienced by the screwup daughter.

2. Although I think she is clean now, the oldest has a drug history, and I just don't trust anyone with a history of cocaine in my house or around my valuables and guns.

She also has a history of "theft", so I don't trust her for that either.

3. We are white, and the oldest thinks she is black, only watches black tv, listens to black music, has a black hoodlum boyfriend, and talks like she is black, AND I DON'T WANT MY YOUNGEST ONE INFLUENCED BY THIS! The middle daughter is old enough to see how much of a screwup she is, but the little one is very impressionable.

4. With the black hoodlums the oldest hangs out with, I don't want them coming out to visit, figuring out where I live and that my house is an easy target for a burglary, nor do I want them in my house, and my youngest thinking interracial dating is okay.

The oldest stays out all night with her hoodlum friends, sleeps till noon, lives like a filthy pig, has two odd minimum-wage part-time jobs, one at a pizza parlor working till midnight, and another selling clothes at a store in the mall, both minimum wage, instead of taking my advice and finding a real job, during normal business hours. She can't make ends meet at her $300/mo apartment for whatever reason, I don't know what she spends her money on?

5. I don't want her up all night/sleep all day routine to affect my sleep/work schedule.

6. I know she'll turn my middle daughter's room into a slum.

7. She's just plain nasty with her hygeine and the bathroom, clothes on the floor, cigarette butts on my front porch etc..

8. She's gonna spend more money in gas going to and from work, because we live 30 miles out of town where she works.

9. I just don't like her. She's lazy, shiftless, slovenly, dishonest, talks like a female gang-banger, and frankly I just don't want her around my family.

Now, my wife is mostly on the same sheet of music about not helping her out and letting her deal with her own problems as I am, but she is her first daughter, and she feels obligated to help her (bail her out as I call it) in a time of crisis. I think we've done enough and spent enough to help her with the first time she got in trouble, and I swore I wouldn't help again. Would I if this were my youngest biological daughter? That's a question I've asked myself, whether I'm being fair, and I honestly don't know the answer to that one.

We've spent thousands, travelling back and forth across the country 3X for her court cases in the other state. The wife wants to let her move back in against my wishes now and this created a BIG FIGHT, where I threatened to leave with the little one.

Every time we talk about her, it is a fight for that matter..

I'm just so overwhelmed about this, I am actually thinking about divorce and fighting for custody of my little one, just to get this step-daughter out of my life for good. I love my wife, and when the step-child is not in our lives, things are great, but I fear that she is going to be a ball and chain forever, and continually cause a rift in our marriage.

Sorry it was so long, but needed the details in there.

Anyone else gone through something similar?

startingover2010's picture

wow. u seem to have your hands full. i think that maybe one thing you should do is speak to your wife and ask her opinion. this is her daughter afterall. u do have a right as well, as u have been around for a long time.

globug's picture

She's 19 yrs old now, and I just soooo wish she'd make her own life and leave us alone!

My wife says "I'm right" about not wanting her to move back in, but says "it's just so hard" for her...

This girl is just so stupid and lazy, she's gonna be a burden and source of angst forever in my life..

Am I wrong to consider leaving my wife to get this girl out of my life, and saving my youngest from her influence?

I just see no way out...

globug's picture

Nothing wrong with being black, everybody's beautiful..

But, inner-city black culture is anything buy beautiful, and is rife with violence, substance abuse and sales, disrespect, laziness, dishonesty etc etc etc....and I don't want this around my family.

Sus's picture

You've done the best you can...She is NOW a adult..she made her she will have to sleep in it..
Neither of you are responsible for her..she had many choices and made the wrong ones..Youve given her many times???? Stick to your word or she will mantipulate you both for the rest of your lives.
IF I were YOU I wouldn't allow it..Let her "REAL" dad deal with her for a change...don't ruin your lives anymore then you have, due to her...
she probably will NOT change...Sorry.

Sometimes we just have to walk away.. Looks like shes decided what type of life she really wants...was her choice.
Put your effort and love into you wife & other children.
Don't let one adult child... ruin a family.
"One bad apple, can ruin a bunch"

Angel72's picture

I agree with sus.
Stand your ground, tell your wife. No is no in this case for the sake of your other children. If wife wants to help, she can help her daughter 'outside' of the house. She is not tolive in that household under any circumstance considering her life choices.
You wrote them down very well. Very logical. And i think your wife needs to hear it again. Its a nooooooooooo. If she doesn't like it, tell her ot move into an apartment with her older daughter for a while to help her if she feels that guilty.

TheWife's picture

Whoa! Hold up here!

I, being of both black and white background, take total personal offense to this post!

I couldn't even read anymore because this is so utterly offensive I am appalled!

I am mixed, and married to a white man. So what?

Let me tell you something:

You cannot talk like a race or a color. She is not talking like she is black, she is talking like she is an idiot. Big difference. There are thugs and hoodlums of EVERY race, just to let you know. Inner city black has nothing to do with it, there are thugs in the suburbs, FYI. And MANY good black people have come out of the inner city. Have you ever heard of Michelle Obama? She grew up on Chicago's southside, thank you very much!

There is NOTHING wrong with interracial dating. You should love a person for who they are, NOT what they look like.

Your SD could just as easily be this screwed up if she was associating with hoodlum white kids, hoodlum mexican kids, etc.

If this is the kind of intolerance you are teaching in your household, maybe your SD doesn't belong with you either.

Good Day, and may God Bless you, because with the utter ignorant non sense you just spewed, you need it.

startingover2010's picture

i beleive that what we have here is a man who is clearly racist, and doesnt want to put the blame where it needs to be so he wants to play the race card. i agree with The Wife, this is offensive.

while i am not one to talk about blame, i see here that he hasnt said anything he might have done over the years to contribute, even the littlest bit, to how sd turned out.

prayerhelps's picture

Justamom is dead on in her analysis. You need to sit down w DW and explain/figure out what the two of you are willing to do to help this child---even though she is 19, she is acting like a child. I do agree w/the hitting rock bottom, but I also think more could be done here to help her hitting that point, as she is close and may do time real soon. There are many ways to help someone w/out letting them move in w/you. All of justamom's suggestions are great. I understand the frustration about having already spent so much on this child, but you may be able to help again financially w/conditions. Such as, we will help you pay for atty, but you must commit to getting some counseling. Pay just the retainer and make her keep to her word or stop the support.

prayerhelps's picture

And I don't see anthing wrong w/what you said--don;'t find this "racist" at all---several times says just "hoodlum" and then says her boyfriend is a "black Hoodlum"---you can be both a hoodlum and black. Nowhere does it say that ALL blacks are hoodlum. And I am sorry, just because it is 2010 doesn't mean everyone wants their family to be in an interracial marriage---it still has a lot of hardship along w/it whether you want it to or not.

TheWife's picture

Actually, my marriage has been just fine, and there is not damn thing hard about the interracial part. The hard part is that my husband is an idiot when it comes to BM.

~*~When you kiss ass, your breath smells like sh*t~*~

prayerhelps's picture

Then you are blessed. I know lots of interracial families that do have a hard time---and most tend to get crap from their own families. Does it mean it is right? No, but it is still a fact of life

TheWife's picture

The ones who get crap from their families are ones who have fathers like this man.

And when is it okay to teach your kid to be a sissy? Oh boo hoo someone doesn't like that you married a black man! What about standing up for something you believe in? If you are in love with that black man and he treats you well, go for it! You may never find a man, white or black, who will love you like that black man will! And vice versa! My white husband treats me better than any black man I have ever dated, and I would have told my parents where they could stick it if they had tried to deny my chance at real love because my DH isn't black.

~*~When you kiss ass, your breath smells like sh*t~*~

Fading's picture

Great question DPW! I want a stats rundown of your investigation and study of all these 'interracial marriage problems' on my desk by tomorrow morning prayerhelps, kthx. And to globug, wow, whoever raised you with these racial issues should be smacked with a trout.

*: (=’:’ ):*

"I have not failed, I have just found 10,000 ways that won't work." -Thomas Edison

TheWife's picture

People are looking at me, I busted up from laughing at "smacked with a trout!"


~*~When you kiss ass, your breath smells like sh*t~*~

Fading's picture

I prefer to insult people with fish. Fresh or frozen. They can be a weapon of choice.

Ask me what I am packin? A trout, 2 bluegills and a catfish (for those purrrfect moments). Smile

*: (=’:’ ):*

"I have not failed, I have just found 10,000 ways that won't work." -Thomas Edison

globug's picture

Thanks for the "support" Prayerhelps...

I don't have anything against anyone of any color, nor do I wish them harm, and I only wish them happiness and prosperity, like I wish for myself.

prayerhelps's picture

your welcome--I just hope you can take the actual suggestions from people, rather than look at the nastiness. It is a shame you had so many slam you the first time you seeked help and advice from others, just because their beliefs on interracial marriage was different.

I know that this is a tough situation for you, and I pray and hope that whatever you decide will not split up you and you wife

Sus's picture

She should be entitled to Pro bono lawyers due to NO income.
She must Ask the court for a court appointed attorney.
I think you've helped her all you can. it's time to cut the cord. Some have to learn the hard way, and from what I've read , you & your wife have done anything & everything to help only to have her mantipulate you both "one more time"
She is will learn if you enable her, and by giving into her, you are infact inabling her.
Some times you must allow the pieces to fall where they will fall...Hopefully someday she will learn to be appreciative and stand on her own two feet.
She doesn't "NEED" the parents to make her appointments, or coddle and hold her hands. She needs to handle her legal obligations on her own now, she figured out how to scam ,now she must figure out how to take care of the things she caused on her own.
STOP helping her financially. She expects it. And will bleed you dry.

"It's like a child learning to walk..they fall down dozens of times...eventually the child will learn to walk without anyones help"
They will never learn to walk alone with someone holding them up all the time.

Tell her you Love her & wish her the best. But you're done.
Believe me she will learn, (hopefully) in her own time. And IF she doesn't , thats her choice...NOT YOURS.
You are NOT responsible any longer.

globug's picture

In reply to the "Chip on our Shoulder Club", I am not by any means a racist..
You opened this can of worms, so I'll explain myself..

I'll be candid here, and tell you how I really feel, and if you still think I'm a racist, so-be-it, but I think many will agree with me..

I do not wish to be the grandfather of a half-black child, because I don't want to deal with the stares, questions and negative social stigmas that go along with it. Not that the baby wouldn't be beautiful and turn out to be a wonderful child, I just would rather not deal with it. Raising children and grandchildren is hard enough without more complications.

Racism is hate, and I don't hate anyone, and only wish everyone happiness and prosperity. That said, just like so many "minorities", I'd rather be around people "like me", with similar cultural values, music tastes, goals for their family etc..

Every ethnic/cultural group likes to segregate themselves and make their "our kind only" clubs, message boards, forums, TV networks, colleges, college funds etc. The only people that don't do this, AND ARE NOT ALLOWED TO DO THIS DUE TO POLITICAL CORRECTNESS are those not of any specific identifiable ethnic group...i.e. "white".

To be brutally honest, I dislike modern black-culture, from ebonics and ghetto-dialects to Rap Music, to black-only TV networks, “pimping rides”, massive bassing stereo systems rattling my windows as they go by, to the ever-constant and nagging reminders of slavery and reparations and everything a white man says or does is racist against someone of color and on and on..

It seems all I ever hear from the media is “negativity” regarding white/black issues, and it usually didn’t originate from whites. I strongly hoped that Barack Obama becoming our president would somewhat quell the naysayers who continue to spout that white society won’t let them/allow them to achieve somewhat, but his presidency hasn’t changed a thing. For what it’s worth, I did not vote for him, but voted for John Mccain, because to me he wasn’t a good candidate, but the lesser of two evils. In retrospect, knowing what I know about Obama I can now say I would vote for him over Mccain. He has turned out to be a decent president who has done no better or worse than any president before him, and has a touch with people that crotchety old Mccain wouldn’t, but back to the point.

It drives me mad that my SD used to speak (although with a southern accent some might find offensive) decent english. Now it's "axing" instead of asking, and a smug "Wut up"? instead of hello.. Where did she get this? You tell me. I wasn't raised to talk like that, and neither was she. I'm sure her new language is going to really help her in the business world if she ever gets her act together. Simply, she just sounds like an idiot, just like her friends. I do not hate the boy in any way shape or form and she tells me he is good to her, I just don't like his mannerisms and what he's transformed my SD into. This is off the net, but pretty close representation to what I see on my SD's Facebook Page, and an example of her tranformation: "WuZ Up B1tCh3zz iT$ y0 guRl juzz ch!Ll1n wit m@h nUmBAa on3 h0mi3"

I dislike "most" modern black music, because it just doesn't appeal to me, and I just can't relate to it.. Everything from "adding a little soul" to the Star Spangled Banner at the football game instead of singing the traditional version, to the ever-popular RAP, which just like Death Metal Music is offensive to me for its content and the glamour of dark and evil-oriented overtones, rap is offensive for it's glamourization of the "gangsta/criminal" lifestyle, and all the sexual "big-booty" overtones. I simply don't want it in my house, nor do I want my little one listening to it. You'd probably be shocked if I told you I have Etta James Greatest Hits, a Ray Charles collection, Some Marvin Gaye as well, because I think they're fabulous artists and make beautiful music, but secretly, that's just my "cover", since I'm a blatant racist of course;)

I dislike black-oriented TV programming (BET etc..)for the most part, not because of the content so much, but that I find it offensive that a group who so wants be part of the big mixing pot, so often segregates themselves with their own network.
Back to the point, different cultures (not even thinking about skin color here, but of “cultures”), ARE DIFFERENT! Most parents (of all backgrounds) don't want their kids bringing home a mate with a completely different background and culture. No!..say it isn't so?

Seriously here, just like the black mother whose son brings home a blue-eyed blonde is gonna be a litte disappointed and realize that this rocks-the-boat a bit in the neighborhood, I don't want it either. I hear so often on the media and the net, black girls complaining about their black men chasing white women etc..just another example that it isn't cool with everyone. It just causes more problems than it's worth in the long run, and the children often suffer from it as well.

I'm trying to think of the future here, and if her fling with the boy is just that, fine. I wish she'd stop trying to talk like him and his friends, but if it's just a phase, so be it. Thinking further into the future, I cannot realistically believe that if they have a child and/or get married, that my family and the SD's boyfriend’s parents (father twice convicted for aggravated sexual assault by the way) are going to meet on holiday with the grandkids and "all get along" and be one big extended happy-family. It's just not realistic. Which is in contrast to my married brother’s and sister’s extended families, as we have become very close, and……drumroll please…..HAVE A LOT IN COMMON.

The bottom line is that the boy is part of her problem, but she has many other issues not related to him. I got off on a tangent, because I felt a need to explain myself, because I was attacked and called a racist.

I’m sure I’ll catch more flak after explaining myself, but if the ones doing the attacking turned the tables, they and/or most people they know…”think just like me”

TheWife's picture

"I do not wish to be the grandfather of a half-black child, because I don't want to deal with the stares, questions and negative social stigmas that go along with it."

Unfortunately, sweetheart, you have no choice in the matter. She can date and have children with whomever she pleases. So in this matter, your wishes mean nothing.

Maybe your problem is you spend too much time focusing on what the media and net says about black people, black culture, black society."

If I read into half to stereotypes perpetuated by the media about white people, I'd think all white people were either rich, egotistical, arrogant sap suckers; or low class, bottom dwelling, toothless, inbred rednecks.

But I know better.

I had my car stolen by a white kid before. When I brought home a white guy my mom didn't lock up her fine china.

The only people staring at mixed babies and interracial families are people like you.

~*~When you kiss ass, your breath smells like sh*t~*~

Amazed's picture

“the oldest thinks she is black, only watches black tv, listens to black music, has a black hoodlum boyfriend, and talks like she is black, AND I DON'T WANT MY YOUNGEST ONE INFLUENCED BY THIS!”
“With the black hoodlums the oldest hangs out with,”
“disappointingly to me and the wife, she likes black boys, the more hoodlum with the baggy pants, the better)”

I am pretty sure this is what pissed people off man. Your statements are talking about “black” hoodlums, and “black” tv and “black black black black”
The source of the anger is coming from the fact that this hellion of a stepdaughter could be just as fucked up from white people,Hispanics,Asians,etc…as she could be from “black” people.
It’s not about black or not black but you chose to go there and further push the stereotype that the typical “hoodlum” or gang banger is “black” rather than Caucasian
Hoodlum = all races if the kid is allowed to be that way
Gang Banger = all races if the kid is allowed to be that way
Drug addict= …well you get the idea.

Stop making it about race and you won’t get such a “chip on their shoulder “ group of people responding to you.

Your post would have been TOTALLY legit without the black references. You could have just said, “I don’t approve of interracial marriages and don’t want my biokids to be influenced by that.” Interracial marriages aren’t just black/white marriages and relationships. No one can fault you for wanting your daughters to settle down with a nice,employed,educated young man of the same ethnicity as your family…just don’t sound like a racist when expressing your views and people would be fine in commenting about the real issues at hand with this stepdaughter.

Your issues with your stepdaughter have a lot to do with your issues with the race. You are confusing the two issues. We can give advice on discipline,behavior,addictions,scheduling conflicts,guilt parents,custody,child support,ANYTHING you want to talk about that involved stepparenting...but keep on throwing that black thing in there and you won't get any help here...sorry that's just the way it is when you're posting on such a diverse board.

perhaps the KKK has a stepparenting support group and THEY can help you with your black/white issues with your stepdaughter influencing your daughters and stomping all over their pure "whiteness".

peace out playa;)

"Venting without the desire to look within and improve your situation is simply venting to hear yourself bitch."

..."I'm not mean, you're just a sissy."

BlueberrysBaby's picture

Oh geez, StepAside, now you've offended us big-breasted chicks Wink

Blueberry's Baby

MarriedwithChild's picture

Woah! WTF cares who is what so-called color, religion or whatever?

LOVE IS LOVE...Oh come on!

Listen, up where my dh and myself were born (Sheepshead Bay, NY) a "nigga" was just that, a nigga.( NO COLOR REQUIRED.) All a "nigga" was good for was going around and knocking up anything that would bend over...Then the "nigga" never gave a damn about baby.)

Keep your judgements to yourself and get real!

( Russkya- French-Jewess here who married a Jewish man.)

gazzabicks's picture

Globug I think the problem here is you ! You seem like you are just not happy that your SD is not like you as apposed to accepting that she is an individual with her own tastes and views.

why are you trying to turn her into you, what makes you think your way of life and opinions are so great and right ?

Are you liked by everyone you have ever met and told how fab you are by everyone...of course not.

Relax, I bet you will find things would become better if you did !

Kiby's picture

Globug, if you are still reading from this site after the slating you have had . . .

You have my sympathy. Whilst you may have got people's hackles up with some of the comments you made, I think the fundamental content of your message was that of a step parent worried for his family, in need of some help and support.

Just-a-mom's advice was good.

Don't let SD back into your home. There are plenty of good reasons for you not to do so. Hopefully your wife will be able to see the logic of this, especially that until SD reaches a point of wanting to change, no amount of financial and material help from others will do her good. It will just enable her to continue on the same road for longer.

A good counsellor could help, however, there are a lot of 'not so good' ones around, so finding a good one that SD can relate to could be difficult.

All the very best

globug's picture

I'm still here, and things have taken a turn for the worse..

There is no change in the stepdaughter's status, she is still on the same path.

However, this has brought marriage issues back to the table, that have lain dormant for some time, and things are not good on the homefront.

We've had a recurring (every couple of years) discussion ref why we're together, she feels like we're too different, with nothing in common, and she has only feigned to like the things I do to make me happy through our entire 12 yr marriage..

We were pretty much just friends when I asked her to marry me, and I'm not gonna lie and say I was madly-in-love with her or anything, but I saw the good in her (great mother to her 2 daughters etc..), I loved the idea of helping raise these 2 girls as my own and thought she'd be good for me, which she was.

Was it the wrong reason to marry? Probably, but over the years, I've grown to love her. I'm not gonna say we have "walk through the door and rip our clothes off" chemistry, but when we can get time alone from the kids, we do alright.

The problem is, with the kids "always around" there is no time "for us"..and our sex life is infrequent, like once-a-month to be blunt. It's just that by the time you deal with all the household and kid-issues and get the little one in bed, it's 11:00 and we're both too tired to get busy.

I noticed over the last year or so, that she never volunteered any "I love you's" and they were only quick reciprocation when I said it to her.. I haven't seen or heard any unprompted terms of endearment from her in at least a year, even though I make sure to tell her I love her numerous times every day. I was ignoring the fact that she didn't reciprocate, and blaming it on that "being the way she is"..

The bottom line is, she has shut off from me emotionally, and wants to sell our home and separate. This is the second time we have gotten to this point over the last 8 years or so, and in the past I've agreed to it, and then basically begged her to stay and make it work, but this time I fear she has made up her mind and it can't be reversed.

Part of me thinks this is a good idea, and she may be right in many ways, but in other ways, I'm so upset that I've put this many years into this, and I do really LOVE her dearly, as she was my first and only wife, and I thought I'd live the rest of my life with her.

All my hopes and dreams are crushed now, and I don't know what to do with myself..

Life really sucks..

If there's a ray of hope in all of this, the f-up 19 y/o stepdaughter won't be my problem to deal with anymore..

prayerhelps's picture

So sorry to hear this. I truly hope that you and your wife can seek some sort of counseling for this--preferably by someone familiar w/step issues. 12 years a long time to just throw out.

BlueberrysBaby's picture

Globug... you sound so much like my husband. (And a "Dittohead" too - longtime listener, firstime caller...)

His daughter, now 20, grew up in Atlanta where interracial relationships are practically de rigeur. Starting in her early teens, she affected the gansta accent, lifestyle, etc. Frankly, I always thought she looked and sounded like an ass. He has said the same thing - that he doesn't want a "half-black" grandchild. Lo and behold, she took off a week after her 18th birthday and got married - to a black man almost 20 years her senior. He's probably the best thing that ever happened to her!

I know the way he dresses and the music he listens to and the words he uses would put you off - and my husband too - but he has literally saved her when she burned every other bridge she had, including her own mother. His culture is just that - it's not his CHARACTER. Even 2 years after marrying him though, SHE is still screwing up - she just got out of jail AGAIN. If anything, at this point, she is dragging HIM down.

I think, though you say you've given up on your SD, there is a shred of denial there - denial that she's really as awful as she is and denial that you could have raised such an awful person.

If your bio-daughter ever does run into this level of rebellion, I hope you show her the same tough love you are inclined to show in this case - so both girls learn to solve their own problems.

All the best to you - hoping you and your wife can find a way to work it out for the sake of the child you share.

Blueberry's Baby