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HCBM withholding children’s details

Mumofsix22's picture

This isn't anything new and my other half seeks information himself though always hits a wall as he's not "primary carer".

stwp daughter we recently discovered has a holy communion day coming up and a joint party with 7 classmates afterwards. She refused to give him the mass time repeatedly. School gave him rough times and she's finally gave him it and nothing on the party etc. she added in a message tell me what plan you've got for her the week after. Basically implying he can't go. 

how do people handle this? It's obviously not good for the children thinking one parent hasn't bothered but also she is so high conflict it will like stay this way for younger child and older throughout the next decade. Other half wants to attend with family and also her baby brother etc and make a fuss of her.


CastleJJ's picture

Does your DH have a court order that specifically states he has joint legal custody or access to records? If so, he needs to go to any and every doctor, school, sport, etc. and ensure that he is included on any and all communication. If they fight back, give them a copy of the CO. They can't bar him from information if he is legally entitled to it. I would have served that school a copy of the CO and went as far up the chain as necessary to obtain that information. When you have a HCBM like this, you circumvent her and get the information yourself. If BM plans things on her time, like parties and get togethers, don't expect to be included. Just do your own thing on your time with SD. 

If DH does not have a CO, it's time to get one now.  

notarelative's picture

First communion is not a invitation event. It's a church event and available to all. OH can call the church to confirm the time. BM is most likely not going to invite OH and you to sit in the pew with the first communion girl, but there is no reason OH can't attend and sit in the church with the relatives that can't fit in the communion girl pew.

If there are only seven in the first communion clas, my guess (based on what happens here) is that the party may be a reception in the church hall for all first communion students. If that's the case, the Church can give OH the details. 
But, if it's a party these specific families have planned, don't expect to be invited. OH can celebrate with his child in his time. Separate celebrations/ parties are fine.

As to the 'tell me what you have planned' OH should ignore it.


Thumper's picture

His ex does NOT have authority NOR power, to keep dad away from public events.  Don't give the power to her. 

 Is there an active protective order against dad? IF not, he is free to attend public activities. 

Now, about the party afterwards. Who is sponsoring the party?  IF, it is a private party, he should NOT just show up, you already know that, right?

. If the Parish is offering a reception afterwards, call the Parish and ask for the times. Or call the Childs sponsors? 

How do others handle this, well we actually do our own information gathering ---DO NOT depend on mom to lift a finger. This includes all school calenders, school websites, grades, report cards etc.  IF bm refuses to follow a court order and or a court order that clearly states Mom MUST provide dad with all child activity information, contact information, dates and times....THEN take her back to court for contempt of court. 


Good luck with that too. For real, tell dh to start doing his own personal research on all matters. Remember always follow your court order

*edit to add, there was indeed a time where custodials were required to provide non-custodials with stuff. That was pre-easy access to computers and technology as a whole. I remember it well. 







Rags's picture

If they are toxic, so be it. Be ready to bare their ass if they get toxic.

I go, I participate positively, unless and until the opposition gets shitty. Then... it is game on.

You need to go with your SO and your own child (the Skid's sibling) to celebrate with your SO and their first family child for the communion.  BM.... can F herself.

IMHO of course.

simifan's picture

The best thing I found to do with an immoveable object is go around. Contat the school, explain the situation & give them a copy of the court order. Request - IN WRITING - that DH be given all information pertaining to his child & added to all email lists, etc. 

ESMOD's picture

If this is an event open to the public.. he just needs to contact the school or church directly.

However.. to an extent.. if it avoids conflict.. I guess you could go with things on her time mom attends.. things on dad's time.. dad attends?

But, if he wants to attend.. he will have to get the info without her assistance.

Mumofsix22's picture

Thanks everyone. 

He does has have a CO but sadly nothing about information sharing. It's becoming more problematic now the children are aging and the pandemic is over (which drove the initial issues). He will be attending the mass and not the after party she has arranged. It would be ideal and nice for him to be there to celebrate with her however our next weekend will do. 

His CO confirms his shared care and parental responsibility so it is definately going to be sent to the school with a request to be including in information sharing as necessary. 

Hopefully a nice quick service and hello and a little fuss for her and then off for her to enjoy her day with mum.


Thumper's picture

Hey, IF you come back here to read this. Ask the school to add dh to their robot calls  if they offer such a thing. Sometimes the calls are from the school district about inclement weather, sometimes it is the school reminding parents about testing or activities.  

Also, dh CAN and should ask the teachers for separate parent/teacher conference.  Don't feel weird in asking for these things. Informed ncp do this allllll the time. Smile  high conflict bm's will 'forget' to inform, inform after the fact,  change appointments etc,  EVEN when ordered by the court. 

Be sure to give emails and telephone contacts, reminding ALL staff, they can contact dh about all things. The kids doctors and dentists should have this info too.

Goal is to never depend on a bm who is high conflict.