Am I over reacting or is he crossing a line?
A little background info...
I've been with my partner a year.
He has a 4 year old son with his ex (they have been split over a year and a half but are still legally married)
He shared custody of there son and has him 4 nights a week though the mother is "primary carer"
Since I have been seeing by bf his ex has been difficult. Accuses hin of not having his son enough etc despite the fact he's always had him 5 nights and one full day and that has not changed. She causes arguments where they don't exist. She swears at and belittles my bf in front of there son on a regular basis.
Recently however she has started questioning when I'm there and asking to come round to his. When she's dropping/picking up there son she stays for half an hour just sat on her phone using his wifi.
She stays less than 2 minutes from his place, yet she will ask to use the bathroom or if she's dropping there son at nursery she will stop at his place.
The other morning he had a doctor's appointment and asked his ex to have there son for an hour whilst he went. She said no then asked if she could come round to his to watch him for the hour instead he said no as she has her own house lose by and didn't think it appropriate. She made some remark about me obviously being there and that being why she wasn't allowed and then said no she wouldn't have him. So.. he told me he would just take his son with him.
That's what I was led to believe that morning until later when questioned he said his ex came round to his place as he just relented and let her come round because it wasn't for long and was for there sons benefit.
This comes not to long after I discovered she had asked to come round to talk to him because she was feeling down about her new relationship and he invited her over to his place where she went into detail about her new bf with him including her sex life etc. ..
Now he always always always uses "it's because we have a child together" as a reason as to why the contact they have is acceptable
Am I overreacting?
No. Your partner needs to
No.
Your partner needs to end the relationship he's still in with his ex before he is available to have one with you.
No, you're not. First....I
No, you're not.
First....I would never date a man whose divorce was not final, but that's just me.
Second....when you are divorced, that means you do not go over to each other's places and "hang out". If he wants to do that, why is he getting divorced?
MAJOR RED FLAGS here with the lack of boundaries with the soon-to-be ex. He would rather please her than please you and it's OK if you are upset as long as she is not.
It's a common theme on this site. And your relationship is doomed for failure if he doesn't recognize this.
And "she's the MOTHER of my child!!!!!!" excuse does not hold water. If he thinks so highly of her still, then again, why are they getting divorced?
They still have a connection.
They still have a connection. Who knows, if they both let go of their current SOs, they just may give the marriage another shot.
It may be best to walk away and find a man who has his shit together.
You yourself stated they are
You yourself stated they are still legally married. They are husband and wife. I thought husbands and wives were suppose to have contact with each other?
Flee this relationship. You
Flee this relationship. You can do better. This man is locked in a polka with this woman. It works for them. He is not available to be a real partner to any other woman. My own dh purposely moved many miles away from his ex just exactly so it would be inconvenient for her to do this. After we married she was coming in and staying for 20-30 minutes just to blather on and perform dramatics with sd and use the loo. But once I told dh it was driving me out of my mind he found a way to make it stop. Skids are better off for it. So your bf's argument "it's for the child" is way, way off base.
Show my post to your boyfriend. Then flee. You are the one with a Limited Use Traveler's Visa into their little world. It's their world. They just allow you in but don't violate the terms of your visa. Exit and go create a world where you are a Full Citizen.
**Now he always always always
**Now he always always always uses "it's because we have a child together" as a reason as to why the contact they have is acceptable***
Ok this I have heard before... 16 yrs later, I am here going out of my mind because THIS behavior and mentality was not corrected when we married. If you are just dating RUUUUUNNNNNNNN Don't walk or shuffle RUNNNNNNNNN right out the door, down the street, to the next town, next state, where ever you need to... If it is happening now, it will not stop.... I LOVE my DH but let me tell you, if I knew that I would be sitting here out of my mind over stupid crazy people 16 yrs later... I love him , BUT NO, No thank you! I am not the person to be answering these kind of questions though LOL Because it's like you are in a Jurrasic Park movie and the TRex is like 10 feet behind you for me! But I stay because I do love him and I do not want to walk away knowing it's not him or I, its the BM and her fantasy world that drives us nuts, she has watched way to much Disney movies LOL
My view? He's not finished
My view? He's not finished with her yet, and you shouldn't have to do the clean up from a bf's past relationships when just starting together. He needs to learn how to set and maintain personal boundaries for himself, as that example just showed him as unable or unwinding to set boundaries with his ex. Either way, unwilling or unable, it is a red flag and hint to bow out, and move on. Let him divorce or not, and maybe in a year he'll have his pooh together enough to deal well with a gf and kid and ex. Right now, he doesn't have it together enough to wait for.
You do nor have much time
You do nor have much time invested with him. Just walk on by. I would not even waste any time discussing this with him.
Legally divorced or not, they
Legally divorced or not, they are not done with each other.
Find someone who is single, emotionally.
My bf has an anxiety disorder
My bf has an anxiety disorder which his ex is aware of and it does add to this "not wanting conflict" but like everyone's said he seems more capable causing conflict with me than he does with her.. maybe because im less aggressive towards him than she is.
He is currently in the process of divorcing waiting on papers to come back from courts.
I agree with all the advice and i know I'm in a relationship with 3 people ... but complicated by the fact I do love him.
He is adamant that he does not want his ex and has no romantic feelings left for her and that he just wants things to be as amicable as possible with his ex. But from my point there's amicable and then there's taking the p*ss. He argues it's her that causes the problems but really what she does is not my concern. She's a jealous ex... despite the fact it was her who left him she doesn't want him but doesn't want anyone else to have him. She will always test the boundaries I feel but not bothered by that I'm bothered by the fact she tests them and he let's her cross them. I feel like I'm in a relationship with someone who will allow his ex to be part of our relationship because it's easier than standing up to her. They almost have a familiarity with each other that you would expect from long term partners... but when I'm the one he calls his girlfriend and I'm having to share him with another women, I'm starting to lose my head:(
An anxiety disorder is not an
An anxiety disorder is not an excuse. Sure, he's choosing to let her control him by being passive, but that's still a choice to meet her needs.
You're in a danger zone. He doesn't have to have romantic feelings for her to still be enmeshed with her. This is exactly what happened to me - good guy, wants to make everyone happy, controlling ex who just would not let go, and him making every excuse in the book as to why what she was doing was okay. He was scared to disappoint her and say no to her. He was not scared to disappoint me and say no to me. This was even though he loved me and no longer loved her.
We went to counseling and he learned about boundaries and got a professional opinion that his ex was nuttier than squirrel poo. He started making changes. But the damage was done by then. Too much stress on our relationship, my lack of respect for him, and the fact that I saw that treating him badly got results, so I'd started treating him badly. Don't go down this road, my dear. It ends in heartache for you.
Luckily, my SO and I deeply love one another and were able to reconcile after some time on our own. Things are SO much better now.
Your guy hasn't had any time on his own. He's still making decisions about "what is best for ex and I?" and "what doesn't bother me?" rather than "what is best for me as a separated/divorced man trying to move on with my life?" Until he starts making decisions under that last framework, you won't be happy. And he needs time and a good hard look at how his ex takes advantage of him before he'll get there. You can't push him into it or he will resent you.
Knowing what I know, I'd advise you to be calm, cool, and collected. Don't lose whether your needs are being met in trying so hard to understand everyone else's dysfunction. Ask yourself "Is this okay with me? Is this what I want for MY life?" And, guess what, everyone outside of their dysfunction would tell you that wanting a relationship with a man who isn't having someone he used to sleep with come and hang out in his house is a perfectly okay boundary. Another normal-person one is that you want to be in a relationship with a man who always puts you first. You don't have that. Another normal-person one is that you want someone capable of looking at his actions and not trying to explain that something that is clearly serving the emotional needs of one or both parents is good co-parenting.
I'd urge a conversation with him in which you decide your future. State your needs and what you want for yourself, then make your decision based on whether anything changes. Say things like:
"I want to be in a relationship with only two adults, not three."
"I don't want my boyfriend meeting the emotional needs of his ex."
"Watching another woman walk all over my boyfriend makes me lose respect for him."
"It isn't fair that you choose to disappoint me rather than disappoint her just because I'm reasonable and treat you well."
"No, I don't believe it's about the child. I don't believe that this is normal because you need to co-parent. This has nothing to do with your child and everything to do with meeting adults' emotional needs. That's what I think you're not understanding, because when it involves meeting the emotional needs of the other parent, it's about a relationship between the two of you, not about parenting your child."
"No, this is not about me and my insecurities. This conflict would be happening with any woman you chose to date, because you fail to see that you are allowing a third party to interfere in the relationship. That is what needs to change."
And end it with "Something needs to change. I'm willing to wait it out for a little while and observe what choices you make. If my needs aren't met, then I'm not going to make you make changes. I will choose to leave and find someone who cares about meeting my needs rather than molding his life and choices around continuing to meet the needs of his ex-wife. If you choose to make changes, I'll be happy to give you advice when you want, but this has to be your choice. I won't have you holding onto resentment toward me and acting like I'm controlling you, like your ex-wife always has. I am treating you with respect while holding onto standards for myself. So if you choose to meet my needs and make actual space in your life for our relationship, I want you to be clear that it is your choice."
Thank you... I think it's
Thank you... I think it's what I needed to hear.
I need to wake up and realise what's happening is not acceptable no matter the excuse is. Because I'm learning there will always be an excuse
You are not overreacting. I
You are not overreacting. I would lose it. I am luck Hubs can't stand his ex (thank the lord) and was divorced for years before I even met him.