I started looking at this book again after 12 yrs or so. The chapter on older steps has been helpful. It's by Wednesday Martin. Basically you win some lose some attitude. You invested time and energy which didn't lead to any kind of relationship so you step back (no pun intended) and no longer invest any energy.
DH told me he is planning on us going to take SD out for dinner which involves staying over at a hotel. Surprise surprise he told me that he is going to book a hotel. He's a lot cheaper( my first husband got me addicted to 5 star hotels) than I am but I am relinquishing control and am so glad he is taking charge of HIS relationship with HIS child. He does understand now that I won't be shopping for gifts making elaborate dinners and baking anymore.