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Last night we left

Misstepped's picture

I've been on here a little while now and everytime I post about the troubles of step life people suggest leaving and going to a hotel. Last night I took that advice, packed a bag for me and our young baby's and checked into a hotel. Let me tell you how empowering that felt! It was the best advice ever for anyone who isn't sure.

Basically we have the skids every wknd and spend all of our downtime chasing them to sports, birthday parties, pick ups and drop offs and basically DH entertaining them the entire time. A fight began because BM has decided to take them away next month so we will get a wknd off for once. I mentioned it would be nice to spend that wknd with our baby and go away aswell and to get a sitter so we can have adult time (his kids won't be babysat - too precious) then he tells me he would rather do it with all the kids, and that we can't go without skids. He goes to the extend of even booking it behind my back and then "surprising me" 

Of course I was deflated, now the whole trip will he spent parenting and entertaining skids who gobble all of daddy's time. I will he left to care for baby alone which is hard work. I'm tired, I'm exhausted, he doesn't spend anytime with boo as it is as he gets home late when he is already in bed and leaves for work before he wakes each day. He rationalises it with "I see him on wknds" which I thief is not good enough as he is with us full time and it's not the same! Not to mention he makes time for skids but won't make time for me and baby. Anyway, he got angry and said I was excluding the skids, so I excluded myself and packed a bag and left. We slept in a luxury hotel with a luxury king bed and ordered room service. I then refused to come home until he was prepared to talk about our issues and stop acting like the poor skids are always missing out. He even admitted that skids her more time than anyone. I don't know where to from here yet, but it might just be time to move on for a bette Rolfe that doesn't involve skids on special treatment!

Stepmom0831's picture

Wow... Idk what I would do in that situation... DH actually never pays much attention to his son and I'm always having to remind DH that his son is home and to go spend some time with him and call me cruel but I would very much rather have DH be the way he is now. Hope all works out.

nappisan's picture

Im so glad you did that ,, i hope it was on DH credit card too!!  Good for you and stick to your guns with this one 

The_Upgrade's picture

This may be the come to Jesus that your H needs to pull his head out of his arse and see what he's set to lose if he continues down the current path. It's all well and good for him when there's no consequences. Some people don't have a conscience and operate more on what do I want and how does it affect me if i go for it? 

I had a go at my DH after my DD was born too. Basically, I refuse to have my DD  treated as lesser because she's always available whereas with SD there's so much grovelling for the barest crumb of affection. I won't sit quietly while DH splurges away our savings so that there's no way we could afford the same things for DD that SD had while growing up. 

tog redux's picture

Good for you. Now make him go on his surprise trip by himself and you go visit someone who will help you with the baby and give you some rest. Don't back down now or he will think he can just go back to the usual. 

tog redux's picture

I think I'd even plan a getaway for the weekend the skids aren't there - without him, so he can have the weekend to himself.

justmakingthebest's picture

Good for you and taking control of the situation. 

Thankfully airlines, hotels, etc are all doing free transfers, cancelations, reschedules. Hopefully he cancels what he booked and figures out how to take you for a few nights away. 

Right before covid hit my kids dad, SM, stepbrother and half brother went on a trip to Mexico. My kids were not invited to go. When they complained I reminded them that the world doesn't revolve around them. Their dad is allowed to take a trip without them. We go on vacations too, it isn't like they are the red headed stepkids kept in a basement. They don't have be in included on every single thing at both houses. 

tog redux's picture

I grew up in an intact family, and my parents went on vacations without us all the time.  It would have never occurred to me to complain that I wasn't going.

Misstepped's picture

I forgot to mention, we're only going a short drive away to my home town. It's not even anything to be jealous of. The skids wouldn't care, they will he living it up with their mother in a real holiday at that time. I told DH I'm sick of his guilty dad sydrome ruining everything. He can go off with the skids and leave me and baby behind every wknd, but we can't take one wknd without skids...?? It's not even fair game. 

Stepmama2321's picture

During the week - count the number of hours your guys child together, spends with DH.

Then during the weekend - count the number of hours DH spends with skids.

Bet you he spends more quality time with skids than your bio even though he lives together all the time.

Misstepped's picture

Yes, I made this point to him. He doesn't see bub through the week and then get this, he comments that it's fair because that's when his other kids see him. I hit the roof. Our baby is not paying for he and BMs mistakes!! Not to mention he is that focussed on the poor skids all worn that he doesn't interact with baby anyway and I'm left doing it all after doing it all for the entire week. They cycle never ends because we have have a goddam day let alone wknd off. I have given a firm threat that is something doesn't change soon we're out for good.

Cover1W's picture

oh wow so he actually meant if the skids don't see him during the week then your bioson doesn't get to see him during the week either?  He's insane.

Stepmama2321's picture

My SO and I had this issue when our DD was first born. He worked long hours throughout the week and often weekends when he didn't have SD. When he had SD, my DD and I were completely ignored. All the focus was on SD. 
I made the point about how just because you live with DD and only see SD EOWE doesn't mean you get more quality time with DD, it actually meant you spent less with her. I explained how she's a baby now but when she gets older, she'll see how unfair the dynamic was set up, how only SD gets special 1-1 treatment. 
It was a breaking point in our relationship. I threatened to leave because I wasn't going to subject my DD or myself to it anymore. I said I'd give him EOWE with DD so she can spend equal time as SD does with him. He finally saw the light and things changed completely. But it was a long road to get to where we are now. I put up with it until our DD was 5mo. Too long, so long that I still have resentment about it. 
I feel for your situation. It's not fair to you or your bio. Also, I personally believe that an every weekend COV isn't a good system for anyone involved.

shamds's picture

Because he is high up in his company and works crazy hours, on call 24/7 so this is time to recharge. 

we are lucky one of his friends said every month they have a date night where their maid cares for the wifes kids. They always keep date night because the relationship is important and without a solid foundation and me time, you cannot be good parents

i read somewhere, your spouse you take a vow to be committed till you die, kids you are responsible and care for 18 yrs before they are adults and move on with their lives. Whats the point of putting the marriage last for 18 yrs and think we can connect then. Thats not how it works.

my husband about 4-5 times a year has work interstate and me and our 2 kids tagged along. It's refreshing for him to have us with him. Skids would ignore him and expect to be pampered etc.

Thumper's picture

BM doesn't like her kids does she.

Good for you OP---Might be time to consider looking for a more permanent place to live, condo, townhouse, home for rent?

Stand tall OP, you got this. Smile


Stepdrama2020's picture

This is absurd. Your husband turns down a romantic trip for you two then books one with the step crappy kids. DANG what a loooooser he is. I do not mean to sound harsh but think about this.

He doesnt feel guilty about not spending alone time with you, but does if his kids are not included. AGAIN think about this. I have been you where nothing fun can be done without his mini wife. I dumped his ass and he went back to BM or more like miniwife.  

I will never understand these men.


thinker's picture

That is nuts.  

My DH has older kids and we have an ours baby.  We have our share of major problems, but (i) he's always up for a romatic weekend (as long as its not the same weekend as some SKID event); and (ii) he is VERY doting on our baby.  

Do you work?  I think part of what helped us is that from the beginning, I kind of forced DH to share responsibility for our baby by not allowing his job to take precedence.  He gets his share of morning or evening parenting duty during the work week.  On weekends, I plan my own stuff and make him equally responsible for childcare, regardless of SKIDs.  I just set the expectation from the beginning that he is an equal partner with equal responsibilities and he accepted it.  As a result, they have a very cute and close relationship. 

Stepmama2321's picture

I agree with you that you have to implement shared responsibility regardless of being a SAHM. When DD gets up early, SO has her in the morning until he leaves for work so that I can do stuff around the house or have a chance to myself. When he gets home, it's a break for me from caring for her all day long. He does night routine now because I am pregnant and need the rest since I already have insomnia if I get woken and am up going to the bathroom all night long. When it's the weekend, it doesn't matter if SD is there or not, his responsibility to our baby doesn't change. 

Misstepped's picture

I will be going back to work soon, our baby has been a handful though with food allergies resulting in feeding and settling issues so I spend most of my days rocking him for hours on end. DH gets home late from work when all the childcare duties are done and he is asleep finally. I understand the work pressure he is under with our business, however he puts work on the back burner to run around after the skids. BM refuses to get off her arse and do any pick ups or drop offs and he just goes along with it. So he finishes work early to pick up the skids. It's another thing we argue about. Work comes first, but only until precious skids are due to come over and then he goes running. Currently now our difficult baby won't go to him as a result of him never having the time to help tend to him. All his time is saved for precious skids. I'm so resentful and angry. The weekend we couldn't have without skids was the icing on the cake. 

Stepmama2321's picture

Maybe if he'd stop putting work on the back burner to get skids early on Fridays, he would be able to get off work earlier throughout the week. 
You seem resentful and angry with the situation (rightfully so), which is even MORE of a reason you and DH desperately need a weekend alone to reconnect. He's allowing the skids to be prioritized over your bio and your relationship and if it continues will most likely result in the end of your marriage and him getting bio weekends only. Is that what he wants? I would really put that into perspective to him. 

Misstepped's picture

This wknd skids have been put on the back burner and DH has been trying to bond with baby now. He cries Everytime DH touches him but that's because he's never had any quality with him. This wknd DH has made an effort and has now been noticing how baby cries with him but not me or the skids (they play with him) and now he is worried. Finally. Maybe he can see what all this fussing over the poor skids has created. I've asked him to shift his focus for the time being and work on the weakest relationships (me and bio) and his skids are already well connected with him. Our trip away without skids is suddenly back on. I suppose it takes me leaving and baby crying around him to get him to finally see the light. 

Stepmama2321's picture

Happy you have a good update! Also if you're going back to work soon, you'll definitely need for DH to get used to "helping out" with baby. 

TheAccidentalSM's picture

Don't let him backslide in a few weeks!

But well done for getting him to see the light.