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Imagine - 90+ years old and STILL having SD issues!

2Tired4Drama's picture

It. Never. Ends.  

Why does it always seem the majority of problems are with men's daughters?  

Can you imagine being 90+  and having to deal with "stepdaughter"-type issues?  Even if this couple never marries I can still imagine his daughters (who are probably in their 70s) will create problems. 

Those of us experienced folks on STalk would probably agree that Abby's advice is not good - reaching out to these harpy daughers would be of no benefit. 

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DEAR ABBY: Two and a half years ago we lost my dad, who was 94. He and Mom had been married 72 years. She entered assisted living right before COVID — with all its difficulties — set in. We made it through that, we’re all vaccinated now and her facility has opened back up. 

Mom has met and befriended a similarly aged widower. They eat together, walk, attend activities and enjoy sitting and talking together every day. He always walks her back to her room and nicely bids her a good night. They reach for one another’s hands to hold while talking about their departed spouses and are a source of great comfort for each other. I learned about this friendship from facility staff, so I had time to digest it alone before talking with my mother about it. 

At first, I was nervous because I did not want her to be hurt. But I quickly realized that this relationship is very good for both of them, as they share similar histories and circumstances. 

Mom has recently found out that this man’s daughters are upset about their friendship, and she feels badly about it. She says she would never do anything to hurt him. I’ve told her she needs to give his daughters time to wrap their minds around their friendship. Abby, what can I do to help the daughters build trust in this situation? — DELICATE SITUATION IN ARKANSAS

DEAR DELICATE SITUATION: Your mother’s is not the first romance to blossom in a situation like this, and it won’t be the last. What has happened is a blessing, and I hope the man’s daughters will come to regard it as one. Reaching out to them isn’t a bad idea, if you think it may calm the situation and you can do it without making them more defensive than they already appear to be. The older folks are doing nothing wrong. They have a right to be happy in their remaining years. If there is a religious adviser connected to the assisted living facility, he or she might be able to help you.

 

JRI's picture

Since I'm 77 and still having SD issues, I can certainly imagine it going on til I'm 90.   As to the letter writer, Id stay out of it.

When Mom was in assisted living, I saw these relationships and she was in one.  One instance was sad, a couple who went everywhere together, you never saw one without the other.  Her kids decided to move her out of state and poof!  She was gone.  He looked lost.

2Tired4Drama's picture

JRI, I know you have been in for the long haul and it's incredible to think it still goes on, doesn't it?  What a sad story about that couple. 

I can't imagine any adult child finding a reason to deny their 90+ old parent a single MOMENT of happiness unless it was self-serving - first and foremost their anticipated inheritance.  

No adult should be denied the opportunity for friendship and companionship. Even those who have memory loss issues often make new friends and are much happier when they have a companion. 

JRI's picture

When that woman at the assisted living was moved, I was so sad for the man who was left.  But, who knows, perhaps her kids thought she was too far from them, or perhaps they had to move her somewhere more affordable. We will never know but there are 2 sides to it all.  Its just odd to see our elders having little say in their plans.  I have to get used to it, Ill be at the mercy of DS and DD, God help.me.  Lol

 

 

StepUltimate's picture

Dear Abby hasn't been with us to read StepTalk or she'd know these harpies feel threatened by dad's relationship & would use any contact as opportunity to accuse, gaslight, attack, etc. 

2Tired4Drama's picture

No matter what, I'm sure the SDs would find some kind of "validation" for reigning in and obstructing their father's relationship. Some people can find an excuse/justification for anything they don't agree with. Manipulative and self-absorbed people (like SDs) are usually very skilled at it. 

BobbyDazzler's picture

What selfish women they are! I had issues with one of my SS over the years and, I suspect, if my DH passes before I do, I'll have some more issues with him. However, I'm very grateful I don't have step daughters. They seem like crazy selfish continual problems.

2Tired4Drama's picture

But it does seem like SD are much more problematic than SS. At least in my experience and from what I've read on STalk over the years. 

ESMOD's picture

I don't think reaching out is necessarily the best option here.. we really don't know what those women are like.  Shoot even the original writer to DA said SHE  had her own concerns when she learned of it.

So.. these kids... may have similar concerns.. what if dad is hurt?  what if dad is in decline mentally and they are worried the impact of a relationship?  Maybe they see it as a betrayal of a long standing loving relationship he had with their mother.. and they have the feeling that it tarnishes that when he is able to move on? (not sure how long he has been a widower).

Ultimately... if he is of sound mind.. it's up to him to deal with his children.  Of course.. they should be happy their father is having some chance at a relationship.. happiness at the end of his life.. but for many reasons.. they may not be comfortable about it.. and in fact.. the mother may have been privvy to a first response that has mellowed? 

Aniki-Moderator's picture

My first thought is always the same... are they more concerned about their inheritance than their parent's happiness? 

My oldest brother, for whatever reason, is aaaaaaall about MONEY. Any time Dad made a change to out childhood home, OB always beeyotched about "decreased property value". When Dad and SM decided to marry, OB emailed the rest of us (siblings), beeyotching about "there goes our inheritance". And SM has PLENTY of her own money. OB was somewhat appeased by Dad's and SM's prenuptial, but continues to fret about how much we'll get from the sale of our childhood home. I honestly don't like OB very much...

2Tired4Drama's picture

I wonder if being born first comes with a heaping dose of entitlement, LOL! 

My sister had a woman who was a good friend to her for many years. She was a saint and overlooked many of my sister's failings, including her money-hunger. When the friend died after a long illness, my sister called me up the next day to tell me. She then immediately mentioned that the woman had once said she'd like my sister to have a certain expensive necklace.  My sister asked me if it was too early (one day later!) to ask the widower about it.

 

Rags's picture

Nea

This man and woman are in their 90s and in assisted living. His daughters can be all butt hurt about daddy holding hands wit a friend, and it matters not one bit.

My thought is that her daughters need to support her and guide her to not give his daughters a thought.  She needs to tell  him that they are adults and their frienship does not imact either her children or his.

By the time I am in my mid 90s I hope to be far past having to deal with the fee fees of idiots. My kid or not.

Rags's picture

Nea

This man and woman are in their 90s and in assisted living. His daughters can be all butt hurt about daddy holding hands wit a friend, and it matters not one bit.

My thought is that her daughters need to support her and guide her to not give his daughters a thought.  She needs to tell  him that they are adults and their frienship does not imact either her children or his.

By the time I am in my mid 90s I hope to be far past having to deal with the fee fees of idiots. My kid or not.