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my youngest SD decided to text her older SD. And this is what I got. This is when it gets bad...

I am so blown away and disappointed in you. This is so petty. I can’t believe because abby didn’t text you and dad in a group text and didn’t send you guys the same text message about graduation you believe that it was a ONLY FOR DAD, when she sent me the text about graduation it was obviously to mike and I both but she never sent anything to mike. Yet he isn’t flailing around like he is forbidden to be there. I am floored reading this giant rant you just sent abby. Pointing out all of her flaws and low points and acknowledging every time she’s done something you didn’t think was right. All the while completely forgetting how many times you and dad have without hesitation crushed her heart and soul. And refusing to acknowledge how loving and kind Abby has been in your lives. It’s terrifying to think that Dad and now you completely believe you have never wronged or done anything wrong to abby and wouldn’t change a thing if you could. Completely terrifying. I am at a loss for words, I keep re-reading that nasty message you sent her and it’s like you really just wanted to send your arrow straight through her Achilles and knock her down at the most perfect moment. She is literally at an overnight testing camp before boards and her hair is falling out and out of all people that are adding to her anxiety are two people who are suppose to be parents? Since when do parents draw lines in the sand and step away from their children. Jack and Michael Maye could torture me day in and day out every minute until I day and in a heart beat I would throw myself on the sword for them and protect them and their hearts against anything. Absolutely unbelievable. Please don’t reach out to her again, and if you have any more ammo in your artillery please throw it at me. I can take it all day, she’s had enough for a lifetime. She is my sister. She is my heart and soul. Back off.

They are both aholes. Ignore

They are both aholes. Ignore the whores.

Thank you so much

I was honest I’m how I felt and now there is no going back.

I really that you need to

I really that you need to step back.

There is so much drama here. Why are you putting yourself through this? Just stop, breathe and let go.

tell your DH to go to the graduation. You take off for a spa day. Simple as that. Self-care is important. You need a massage and facial and mani/pedi. Not a day with skids that don't want you. Believe that you have more value than that.

Your husband will regret it if he doesn't go. He should be there. He should take pictures, hand her flowers and tell her that he is proud of her hard work. You don't need to be there though. You are your own person and not an appendage of your husband. Enjoy your day, he can have his with SD.

I have told him to go

let me make sure everything is clear...I have no issue with him going and told him so. He’s an adult and it’s up to him whether he goes or not.

My YSD acknowledged how

My YSD acknowledged how poorly OSD had behaved towards me and my marriage with DH, but at the end of the day, these SD's have each other's backs in their Dysfunctional Universe. They are united in their hatred of SM, defense of BM, and the poor whoa is me trauma they have been dealt that preceeded YOU.

I remember when my DH called out OSD on her behavior. YSD, who is OSD's sharpest critic when it works to her benefit, emailed DH "will we ever see you again?" She was ALMOST 40.

The sheeyat never ends. I'd respond to these spoiled brats that you have no intention of ever contacting them again. Ever. And recommend therapy for the poor widdle Abby. Poor poor SENSITIVE little baby.

So so true

I couldn’t agree with you more!

Please re-read

Please re-read the text you received from older SD and list anything she specifically called you out on - other than pointing out Abby's flaws. Older SD didn't deny that younger SD has flaws. Older SD needs to be clued in by DH that you are NOT supposed to be a parent to either one of them. What you HAVE done has been way beyond what a Step parent usually does for skids.

When my SD had her meltdown - and for years prior, she made all sorts of vague accusations such as I made her uncomfortable. After her meltdown I asked DH to give me one thing that I had specifically done to make SD uncomfortable. The look on his face was similar to a deer in the headlights. He couldn't come up with one instance that I had done anything to his precious princess.

The only thing you have done is to tell SD she is ungrateful - which is true. What do you think their reaction would have been if their 'parents' had said SD was ungrateful? Both SDs are blowing this WAY out of proportion because it is you and by the mere 'definition' of a Step Mother, you are supposed to give without appreciation or reciprocity. You are supposed to smile and just accept their rudeness because the 'poor dears' are children of divorce. You are not allowed to speak to them as you would anyone else in your family who is taking advantage of you.

You mentioned in another post that they showed you love - but it appears it is more of their love for your money. Time to disengage from both of them. And don't give them another dime of your money. You are not objecting to DH seeing them. That's fine. Now take care of you.

Love of money, yup!

This is spot-on, Sandy! Not only love of money, but love of undivided, unconditional attention directed at SDs!

Julee, the note you wrote to SD is reflective of many, many of us here on STalk. As a SM, you went above and beyond to do what you could to try and at least gain acceptance from your SDs. Now you know - all those years, all those efforts, all that time, money, attention and sacrifice ... were for nothing.

Now you know. So disengagement is the only thing you can do from now on. Do just as you say - let your DH have his relationship with his daughters as he chooses, as long as it doesn't interfere with your lives as a couple and with your finances.

Older SDs response tells it all. As others have pointed out, it's interesting that she didn't address the most important issue your text identified - "Abby" has been abusing your good nature (and wallet) for years.

I can tell you from experience, disengagement is a process. I've been practicing it for years now. And practice is a good word to describe it. It isn't as simple as pulling a plug out of a wall, ending the connection. It's more like a switch you have to be conscious of and keep it flipped to the "off" position.

You never know when skids will rear their heads, so you just have to keep flicking that switch off - even if the light comes blaring on. My SD (who sounds very much like your two) has no time to contact me about anything unless it is to give her some sort of money or attention. She initiates contact with me once per year, by sending me a text which says "Happy Birthday." Nothing more, nothing less. Other than that, I don't hear from her. She has never sent me a birthday card in the mail in 15 years but had no problem mailing me a baby shower invite she was THROWING FOR HERSELF, along with her registry information. Since I live many states away and it's obvious I wouldn't attend so this was nothing more than her informing me where I can get her a gift.

So even though you are at the start of disengagement, be prepared on how to react to these occassional incursions by skids.

I also found it interesting that older SD mentioned how she would do anything for her two kids to protect them from harm. That's understandable and easy to say when kids are small and you have control over them. Well, wait till one of those boys grows up, gets married and maybe the daughter-in-law doesnt like her and EXCLUDES her from her son and grandkids. Maybe the DIL's own mom will be the grandma of choice, and SD will be ignored. And her son won't get involved in standing up for SD because he doesn't want to rock the boat.

Then SD may know what it's like to be excluded, shunned and kept from the lives of your loved ones. Just like you've been.

So true! “By the mere

So true! “By the mere 'definition' of a Step Mother, you are supposed to give without appreciation or reciprocity. You are supposed to smile and just accept their rudeness, because the 'poor dears' are children of divorce. You are not allowed to speak to them as you would anyone else in your family [or any other child] who is taking advantage of you.”

I hear about SMs being the third party in Conflict by Proxy many a time. “A proxy war is a conflict instigated by opposing powers who do not fight against each other directly. Instead, they use third parties to do the fighting for them.” Or, instead of warring with the party truly to blame, such as going after and working out with mom or dad any pain from their divorce, they go after a third party. In this case, it’s hello!, SM.

What I rarely if ever hear, however, is how does one handle this, or more particular, how is a SM supposed to handle this? Nice for professionals to finalize realize that type of unjustifiable finger-pointing and scapegoating goes on, especially involving SMs, but not so nice that they can’t at least come up with a few suggestions on how to recognize it and distance yourself from it.

I find instead, the expectation of SMs continues to be as sandy21 so well stated above. So, I’m going to give a call out to counselors and other healthcare professionals experienced in blended families: “Give us some tips on how to deal with stepmom conflict by proxy?” If you are all going to run around focusing so much on the initial family and acting like with a little help from yourselves divorce can be a done deed, then the least you could do is give us step-parents some tips on how to deal with CODs who may be going after our jugulars.

Hi

I was 31 when I took this shit on. And I love him so much that I wanted to be the best step mom I could be. Obviously I was wrong. They used me for money and never made me feel part of them. By the way, I didn’t mention this before but in Oct I nearly died from sepsis, pneumonia, and meningitis. They didn’t come see me or even text that much. I am so full of hurt and anger. Have you guys just accepted this is how it is? I was so damn delusional.

JMO, but it appears both the

JMO, but it appears both the adult children and you feel yourselves to be the 'victim' in all this.

From what I could gather from all your postings is that you and both children were all pretty good and ok with the new stepmom/stepdaughter thing. The girls were like 7 and 9 when you got with their father. You mentioned how one of the girls thought of you as her best friend. It was when the girls were 15 and 17 and you divorced their father and poofed from their lives that major trouble started. Sure you came back, got reinvolved and eventually remarried their father, but things were never quite the same..... you've been trying to get back to the warm 'best friends' thing ever since.

Again, IMO, it's time to let these adult stepdaughters go. Things have happened over the years. Things that are not easily forgiven nor forgotten. You (and the girls) have spent like years now on this rollercoaster, and it's not working.

Time to focus on you. Let your Dh worry about his own children. Let their relationship with him be. They will either have one or not. Right now, the more you keep trying it 'fix' it all, the more it seems to blow up in your face. Focus on what will make you and your life bring you peace and happiness. Focus on your marriage in your own home, your individual life, hobbies, activities, join groups, make adult same age friends, do volunteer work when you find yourself with extra time on your hands. Meet new people and try new things.

Reading your current postings, you sound miserable. None of this is helping you, the girls or anyone else.

I read your other blog post

I read your other blog post detailing what you'd said, and didn't comment, because I strongly suspected the above or something like it would happen. The trouble with narcissists, is that we expect them to behave like everyone else, they don't. They are NEVER accountable, everything is always someone else's fault. I was amused that in the above rant, is the classic narc's tactic of "I've got a brain tumour (substitute whatever condition or circumstance is going on) how could you possibly be so nasty to me?" As well as the use of hyperbole - ie whatever they've done to you, you've done much, much worse, ie "crushed her heart and soul".

Only you can weigh up whether getting it all off your chest was worth having to read this shit and deal with any other possible fallout. Personally, I wouldn't have, I'd rather just cut off completely than get into a war of words, which, with a narc, you can never, ever win because they have the will to go on forever.

Yes, this. BM used to send

Yes, this. BM used to send these narcissistic manifestos to DH and the best thing he ever did was just start ignoring her completely. You can’t win with them, they are never wrong, always the victim, and can twist everything you say to make you the abusive one.

You’ve said your piece, focus now on you and your own happiness.

Hi

honestly I wish I had left it alone.

I won’t be replying trust me.

I won’t be replying trust me. I regret it but not why you think. I have been treated so bad for 18 years and I just lost it. I couldn’t take it anymore.

Kes, you said it exactly right! You can NEVER WIN IF YOU ENGAGE

w a NARC! In their MINDS IT IS ALWAYS YOUR FAULT. They are emotionally devoid, cannot empathize with anyone, in any way.

After SD blew her stack, she told her dad a myriad of excueses, NEVER ONCE OWNING HER BEHAVIOR, as any EMOTIONALLY MATURE & HEALTHY ADULT WOULD. Later, when prompted by DH, SD sent a feigned an attempt at group text apology to mulitples, aplogizing "again." Really? She has NEVER apologized to ME. She then has the gall to call DH asking, "How did the apology go?" Well, he told her I smelled BS, and it wasn't an apology at all, but rather her attempt to establish a paper trail, so if/when I filed a court order against her, she could say to the judge, "See? I'm the ONE trying to work things out." Yeah right. If it looks like BS, and smells like BS, it must BE BS! One good thing here, I had the forethought to record her rant, so that reminds me of the circus ring leader with his whip..."Back Simba." She cannot dispute her verbal aggression and abuse. It's all right there for the judge to hear! She knows I've got the advantage, but she "wrote daddy off" because it has to look like it was HER idea. (but this is part of "the game" bc he hasn't been blocked, so the game can continue) All narcs read from the same playscript.Their behaviors when they are losing their grip are very predicatble.

Cut your losses and thank your lucky stars this happened, and there's no mincing words from here on out. Toxicity=an absolute TOTAL WRITE OFF! Self-preservation demands it.

We continue to have the same

We continue to have the same narc SD.

Group texting to multiple people so they have their flying monkeys to back them up.

"Dad, you raised me better than that." She knows that if she butters up dad's ego, she will always get her way and dad will think you are the crazy one, not her.

Of course she asked how the apology went! Mine has done the same thing. It boosts her ego to know she is currently front and center, and how effective she is at causing the drama she wants. Your DH gave her way too much info. She will continue with her behavior until she no longer gets a reaction. You could almost hear the wind go out of my OSD's sails when she no longer got a reaction to whatever garbage she was dealing out at the moment.

But on a good note, your SD has been warned that you see through her. Causing trouble with you will no longer be the lowest hanging fruit for her, but if she still gets value out of it, her tactics will have more thought put into them.

Mine also is trying to make it look like she wrote daddy off, using the reason that she couldn't believe that a man would defend his wife over his daughter.....she truly couldn't control her behavior (at 40 years old).

You Have My Condolences...

SD is closer to 50 than to 40. I guess I would never have expected this level of drama with a senior citizen and his 'adult" offspring. SD is in the medical field, and "mental health" falls under that umbrella. I told him what she has done sure looks like a HIPPA violation (calling our pastor, counselor etc.), & elderly abuse and exploitation, and if she's not careful, this is going to backfire on her. Her emails and recordings will not set well with any judge or attorney, or her board of directors. She just keeps digging her hole deeper and deeper. The recordings say it all. I just keep collecting and documenting all of it.

I can just see her shrinking (like the witch in the Wizard of Oz when the water is poured on her) if she shows before the judge and I push "play" and let him listen to the recording. DH would be our only witness, so of course he'd be called to go before the judge.If he didn't know I had recorded her rant, he would lie under oath for her, as he has forged checks for them to cover insurance on their property he gave them, while we will live like paupers because of it. DH says how appalled he is and how he wants to see her face to face so he can tell her how she's royally f*ked up his life. Oh right. You who cannot even stop her from screaming at me as her veins in her neck are bulging like The Incredible Hulk as he is in transition, are going to suddenly find your hidden balls and tell her that? He did say if he tried to call her to confront this he wouldn't get a word in because she would be yelling at him the entire time. That tells you who is in control and it isn't DH.

The so -called "write off" is just another fear tactic. And why shouldn't a wife be protected from his kids by her husband?I'm sure these girls would sit idly by and allow their husband's kids to treat them in the manner they have treated us, right?

A DH should protect his bride

A DH should protect his bride from anyone who is attacking her. PERIOD! DOT!

That it is his child attacking his bride should result in an even more aggressive response than if it was a stranger.

IMHO of course.

Rags, Do You Wanna Get Married, or Do You Have a Brother?

I'm kidding , of course. I know your situation.

Perhaps a brain transplant would work...are you an organ donor?? LOL

Yes!

Yes, do you rent yourself out to teach non-confrontational balless DHs?

Maybe That Is Rags Purpose...

teaching the balless how to grow balls...it's like some things evolve and disappear if not used...that is what has happened to these DH's/DADDEEES. Too bad balls are not like lizard tails...if they get detached, a new one grows in the place the old one(s) once were.

LOL LOL

Lol.

I am married, thanks. Three times actually. In the first one I crashed and burned. The second is looking good so far as is the third. I married the second one twice. First when we eloped and again on our 20th. She has put up with me for 25 years. I am hopeful that she will continue to tolerate my presence.

And I do have a brother. He and my SIL will have their 26th anniversary in a couple of months.

As for organ donation, I would love to. Unfortunately they don't take organs from T-1 diabetics. I got the shit genes in the family. Fortuneatly everyone else is healthy. I am okay with having all of the genetic issues if everyone else in the family is okay.

Plus,

... you still use your brain & your b*lls, the right way, so we need you to NOT donate!

Tee hee,

Please just back off. These

Please just back off. These sd's don't like you. They may at times put on the fake happy face but their heart is far from you. The sooner you accept the fact that they don't like you the better off you will be. Please do not view who you are by what these sd's think or how they treat you. Surround yourself with those who want to be around you and quit wasting your time on people who most likely will never like you let alone love you.

Your letter to your sd so much reminded me of ME. I did so much for my skids and just could not accept that they did not like me. You remind them of all you have done. They already KNOW what all you have done and they don't care. They think so highly of themself that they actually believe they deserve everything you have done for them and how dare you even think they should be appreciative.

I would advise you to NOT write another letter. You bared your heart and they will only use it to abuse you.

I know it hurts but you can not make these sd's like you.

Good luck sweetie

I’m about to cry

I have no family and this is why I’m trying so hard. To make them love me. I wanted a family. But this will never be a family.

Being an "Evil" stepmother taught me

that it didn't matter what I did or said. To those people, for their reasons, I was the evil stepmother. I thought before that a person's actions would speak for themselves. The goodness of your motives would eventually shine through. The truth would set you free.

But we all write the narratives of our lives and in their eyes I was the evil stepmother and nothing would change that. Nothing will in their universe.

But in objective reality, I know I tried hard to be a good stepmother. I know who I am deep down, faults and weaknesses. Another person's narrative for their life does not overcome my truth.

NurseJulee you loved and cared for them because that is who you are. They don't want you. They want an evil stepmother. Let them go.

Forgive yourself for not being able to overcome their mindset. Take care of yourself.

I'm sorry you're dealing with

I'm sorry you're dealing with this but you done went and jumped head first into the first family drama, aka the viper's den. Even worse, stepdaughter drama!!! This was DH's fight not yours, his daughters, his drama. He raised ungrateful brats and you had the gall to say something about it. I get it, when I used to speak up about the crap treatment DH got from his oldest son I was the villian EVERY SINGLE TIME. Luckily I realized it was not my issue to fix, and stepped waaaayyy back.

It seems you're looking for some participation trophy for being a stepmother for so long. If it were up to me I would give you a Purple Heart and a large sum of money for all you've endured. You've been through the trenches for these kids with no respect or recognition. You do deserve recognition and love but skids will never give this to you, you'll have to give it to yourself.

You're going to have to take space from this situation and focus on yourself. The girls will need to be blocked and you're going to have to engage in some intense self care and hopefully therapy. Please learn to set boundaries and distinguish what is and isn't your responsibility. It is a disservice to yourself and DH to try to intervene and fix his relationship with his daughters.

"I am at a loss for words..."

"I am at a loss for words...". Clearly not. How about instead of ramping up the drama, you put a cork in it and let Abby-the-grownup handle her own relationships? Hopefully, your H will have a word with his eldest princess and tell her to keep her nose out of other people's business.

Julee, now that you've got that poo off your chest, please don't have any further communication with either of these women. You need time to process, heal, and adjust. LOTS of time. Mentally recatigorize these two as disant relations of your H's; people that you know exist, but never interact with.

Your H or possibly someone else may soon interfere and attempt to force a reconciliation, but please don't do anything you're not comfortable with. Be gentle with yourself, and take aaalll the time you need. You come first now.

Thank you

My dream has been crushed for a long time wanting his daughters to love me.

You can't make other people

You can't make other people love you or even like you - and clearly these two aren't going to feel that way about you. It's not your fault, so don't blame yourself.

There are lots of ways to mentor young people if that's what you want to do - find one of those and stop going to this dry well. Personally I would have as little to do with these two SDs as possible, while remaining civil when I had to interact with them.

Yes, plenty of other people

Yes, plenty of other people in the world you can give love and energy to and receive as well. A group I love is Big Brothers, Big Sisters. There's also groups that mentor kids who's parents are incarcerated. So much need out there!

So many of us, especially

So many of us, especially bioless SMs, can so relate. So, do not feel you are alone by any means, in the disengagement journey you are about to set on. I get it—I really do. You worked hard for, poured tons of love and finances into these children, just assuming someday you’d have your bonus family. That is way we are all pretty much raised, whether Christian or not. We are all raised to think that any investments we make should pay off, especially those investments of the heart.

But, like I’ve said before, Step World is a backwards world. This is why it is rare for anyone to truly get it unless they’ve been there. There are studies that show, for example, the more kind and considerate a SM is, the more likely the resentment is to build in SKs because it will bring out conflicting feelings of loyalty for them re: their own mom. None of us, I’m sure, heard or read any of this prior to becoming a SM. We were all just told to be nice to the kids and it will all work out and to not do anything to displace BM.

The reality, unfortunately, is quite different. The reality is that manipulative, controlling BM and weak, enabling DH = Step Hell. None of us ever figured that our skids could or would hate us just because their parents use us as tool, so to speak, or can’t or won’t or don’t know how to move on from the divorce. I really do think that counselors need to focus more on what happens to those outside the divorce as a consequence of the divorce as well. And, this is not only future step-parents, but also other relatives and others as well. To have an initial family that on the surface looks healed, but continues to wreak havoc or take it out unjustifiably on those around them serves no one—not even the initial family.

The other day I read a divorce book for children that, for the first time, mentioned there may be future new spouses of mom and dad coming along in the future and what that might mean. That’s a start.

Just remember, you are not alone! Pretty much everyone here can relate to what you are going through, and disengaging is a process and not a one-size fits all, one-stop Shoppe or cure. It’ll take time. I know for myself, five years later, I’m still adjusting and readjusting. And, I still don’t like that I got a, at best, 85% husband rather than a 100% one. But, this can happen to non-step couples too, where one misses out on something because the other is on the road all the time, for example, or similar.

I do think what is different for SMs compared to many others, tho., is that SMs don’t get much recognition for their effort or works OR may even get punished for it. This is yet another backward Step World thing: Most of the time, hard work and effort is to be rewarded. Yet, many SMs work, put in a lot of effort to care for and raise and take care of someone else’s children, and most of what they get in return is pissy-attitudes from everyone (which may include her own DH) and talk about how SM does nothing for them, interferes in their life, or is always trying to take over BM’s role. Who the H-, in their right mind would want to put up with that!? Yet we are expected to do it 24/7, and without complaining too.

Take care, Nursejulee. It will take time to work through all of this and make the decisions you need to make. You’ve cut the strings. That is the first step. By the way, here is the link to the Disengaging page on this site. There are many good suggestions there: https://www.steptalk.org/forum/parenting/disengaging

As I am reading through all

As I am reading through all of this I am going, yep, yep and more yep. It's not about being right or wrong, its about guilt trips, manipulation and gaslighting. See it for what it is, step back and let it go. You are dealing with narcissistic little children. I found with my own skids, they never really grew up. It's like they were stunted at age 12, so the behavior they exhibit is childish, just like this.

Honestly, I would let them have the last word and loop them out of your life. Be polite and back off because you will NEVER WIN, they will never admit they are wrong and you will just go down a rabbit hole of "she said."

Live your own life, let them be idiots.

You are so right!

It’s true and I will never win. And that kills me. Not the fact about winning, but it’s not the family I hoped for.

(((Hugs to you)))

I hope for the best always. Protect your heart!

I love how the person who

I love how the person who points out the toxic behaviors of others is at fault when they refuse to tolerate the toxic any longer. At least in the minds of idiots.

OSD is a bigger dipshit than YSD.

smh

I agree!

OSD is horrible. I have dealt with her lies for so many years. I’m sick of it. I have never ever sent texts like that. See, I have been the damn peacemaker for so long. I can’t do this.

You are so fortunate that you

You are so fortunate that you realized the truth and you have nothing with these women; they are nothing but toxicity to you and your life. It is hard, I know...you want to be part of the family. The harder you try, the more insulted you are.....

So you stop. You move on. Not your monkeys, not your circus. Its a huge circus and their loss.

I am only going to address

I am only going to address the group text message since I don't know all the drama and that is all I could gather.

Did the YSD specifically state you were not invited or did she only text her dad with the information possibly assuming she was inviting the two of you?

I think there was definitely some miscommunication. In my family I rarely text my SM and she me unless there is an issue with my dad i.e. surgery update. (he's had a few minor procedures)

We keep our relationship separate. However, when we make plans to see each other we always assume SM will be in attendance. Its never been an issue. I also do this with other family members. Usually the person on the text is the confirming the plans.

As for all the other drama I don't know the backstory so can't comment on it. I just thought maybe seeing a different perspective regarding group texts and how people communicate may help. I don't know if she was deliberately snubbing you or she honestly just texted her dad the info expecting him to pass it along.

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