Update to SS threatening to punch our friend
Ok at risk of being a blog hog- quick update.
Skids came yesterday and I was not having anything to do with SS16. DH was working, and SS kept coming by me to tell me all about things that had happened during the week: He is taking 2 college courses later this year and he got his schedule, he is also going to be a Teacher's assistant at school, he went to the college football game on Sat that he was supposed to be grounded from for not texting Crazy his comings and goings and being disrespectful to her....but apparently "Mom finally stopped being ridiculous and let me go". Of course she did, because no one will actually follow through with a real punishment for SS. I just said "cool", "oh yeah"?, as I silently urged myself to keep my mouth shut about what he had said about our friend. He kept asking about my week and my short responses just caused him to keep asking more questions, and it was getting awkward because I was just obviously not happy.
I finally said, Ok, I wasn't going to say anything, but I also don't want to be mad at you all week. I asked how he would feel if someone called one of his friends fat and threatened to punch them in the face? He looked confused and said, probably not happy at all. I said, Ok, cause that's how I felt when you said that about our friend- your coach. It finally clicked and his whole demeanor changed and he got up to go up to his room and said, that guy? I don't like him. I said, That doesn't make sense to me- he is literally one of the nicest people your dad and I know. He thinks you can take a joke and was teasing you. He tells us all the time he thinks you are a great kid, he wasn't serious. SS kept saying he was serious. I said, SS, you do NOT call our friends names or threaten them, period. Ever. And also, stop calling people fat- I know your mom calls everyone fat and your dad has said it on occasion also, but that doesn't mean you should too- think for yourself. I said, I think you are a good kid, and I know you can do better than that, and I hate when I see the worst parts of your parents coming out in you. Think for yourself, and think of the type of person you want to be when you grow up- hopefully that's not it, because I think you are better than that. He listened and said ok and it was fine after that. I honestly don't know what I believe- I think SS can be a good kid, but he is also kind of arrogant and has a temper and can be kind of a d*ck sometimes. I don't know which personality trait will prevail as he gets older. DH is supposed to talk to him also, not sure if that happened last night.
Disengagement fail #286. At least I felt better afterwards *unknw*
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Comments
Teens can be hotheaded in the
Teens can be hotheaded in the things they say. I think you handled this well, because you weren't approaching it as a parent but as a pissed off friend. SS needs to learn that his words and actions have consequences beyond just his parents and school punishing him. Other people will notice and will treat him accordingly.
Now, where I think you do need to step back in your feelings a bit is in trying to convince SS that he needs to like your friend/his coach and that he is "the nicest guy". SS doesn't have to like him no matter what you think of him. He certainly shouldn't threaten him or call him names, but he doesn't have to like him either. Focus on SS's poor behavior, not his liking/disliking your friend.
I can understand your frustration in all this. My DH has issues with school authority. He has made his feelings about school officials and their rules well known. This has rubbed off on YSK. Recently, YSK asked how to get a teacher fired and was VERY heated because said teacher had been mean to their friend. DH's attitude toward school officials emboldened YSK to want to "take down" this teacher's authority in her own classroom. DH and I had a talk about his attitude and how it was rubbing off on YSK. YSK wanted to go scorched earth which wasn't at all warranted, but being an emboldened teenager, they felt they had the authority to take this teacher down. DH had to course correct hard, and YSK was a bit annoyed that they weren't getting the back-up they thought they would based off how DH talked in the past.
Might be good to have a convo with DH about how his actions rub off on his kids and he needs to own and admonish his own bad behavior.
Same convo with DH
I had talked to DH about saying people are Fat and not teaching that to skids. It's uneccessary. DH doesn't see the big deal, which is actually mind-blowing to me.
I get what you are saying about SS not needing to like our friend/his coach. I guess what I was trying to get across to him (but apparently failed, based on what DH just told me SS got out of our convo) is that he may have misinterpreted the coach, and that he still needs to rein in his actions.
DH and I just got in an argument about this because he's all mad that I talked to SS, since he went to talk to him last night and SS was all defensive and I "ruined" what DH was going to say since SS wasn't receptive. DH listed the things I said to SS (very twisted versions of what I actually said), so SS totally misinterpreted the things I said, but I told DH I wasn't going to take the heat for SS not being able to listen to him.
Sure wish I would have disengaged!
Ok, then. Your DH has made it
Ok, then. Your DH has made it clear - you are now disengaged! I had a good relationship with YSD16 up until a couple years ago when DH started undermining me and told me point blank that I wasn't a parent. I was done. It sucks - doesn't mean I'm not nice to her one-on-one but I don't do special things or get into any conversations that could be "parenting".
Update to the Update
DH woke up a while ago and was clearly upset with me- he said I talked to SS even though we had agreed DH would talk to him, so when he went to talk to SS when he got home last night SS was all defensive and said I "said he SS showing the worst in him" and that I said there was no way our friend could have said anything bad about SS and SS was such a bad kid and blah blah blah, none of which is what I actually said. So I told DH what I actually said, and we argued that out for a bit and I explained that I originally had no intention of talking to SS and I WAS going to let DH handle it, but SS kept trying to talk to me and I was having a hard time acting like nothing was wrong so I decided to just address it and clear the air.
DH seemed to think that "acting like an adult and Step-parent" would have been to just act normal and not be upset. I said, I see, so when you're upset with them, you don't talk to them for a while, but because I'm a Step-parent, I should be able to just act normal and like nothing is wrong. Got it! I also said I did not intend to insinuate that our friend could not have done anything wrong, and I certainly never said SS was bad. I actually said he was a good kid several times. I said my main goal was to get across that despite his feelings, he can't call someone fat and threaten to punch them, especially regarding one of our friends. Like no matter what, he still needs to learn how to act. DH agreed, but still I was wrong for everything because I didn't try to understand SS's feelings and DH regrets telling me that SS text him that because it looks like I "betrayed SS's trust in DH". Which I understand to a point, but also, 1) SS shouldn't be texting this kind of thing to DH anyway- it's not appropriate 2) I'm DH's wife. SS should realize DH is going to tell me things, and this wasn't a secret, it was something innappropriate he shouldn't have texted anyway. I don't think there's anything wrong with him telling me about that. I did tell DH I didn't mean to go back on our agreement, it was a fluid situation and I made a judgement call, but I didn't intend it to go this way and I was sorry.
DH is still upset with me. Of course I am wrong in this and SS's inability to listen to DH is my fault. I wish I had never said anything. Disengaging again.
I hate being a SM.
The end.
Hun
SM's are damned if they do, and damned if they dont.
Great so your DH will instantly believe what SS has to say. DH must be the judge jury and executioner huh?
Stay disengaged, but as we all know there is a fine line between disengagement and defending what is right.
Keep doin you hun.
Thank you! I honestly feel
Thank you! I honestly feel kind of sick to my stomach right now and would really just like to run away from the whole thing. I said to DH, do I get a chance to explain what I really said, or are you just taking what SS said as gospel? The worst part is that DH is so willing to give SS the benefit of the doubt in this case and mentioned his feelings mattering, but it sure would be nice if I were given that same consideration.
And This Is Why….
I stayed out of correction of DHs kids. While your SS deserved and needed exactly what you said, it doesn't work with kids whose bio parents don't discipline their kids. Your DH said he was going to handle it. You decided to try. Didn't work. Take it as a lesson learned and disengage. In fact, because of what your DH said. I'd consider some serious disenchantment. Let your DH care for HIS kids in all areas.
You are so right! It sucks
You are so right! It sucks because I have a good relationship with SS (evidenced by him trying to talk to me and tell me about his week and find out about mine), but it's hard to keep a relationship like that going when you see behaviors you absolutely hate in a person and you are unable to even talk to them about it. DH is unknowingly creating a rift.
And now you know why
SS is the way he is. He's not being parent. DH is taking his kid side Blaming you for his failers. If DH doesn't think SS is wrong,, then he is doing a good job, Disengage
Building a script of disengagement.
Hmm. Oh really?
Wow, that sounds pretty stupid to me. You may want to rethink that.
Go do your chores.
Your child is not my child. You fix this. Or take them and leave.
Yawn. G-night.
My TV, I watch what I want. You want to watch what you want, get your own TV in your own place.
Ask your mom/dad.
Nope, my money is mine. Go earn your own.
Yes, I threw everything you failed to put away or clean up in the garbage. The trash pickup will be here any minute. If you want want your (phone, laptop, tablet, bra, underwear, favorite jeans, shoes, coat, jewelry, etc...), go get it out of the garbage if you want it but do not bring anything back that is garbage. Don't leave it out again unless you like diving in rotten barbage for it.
Even better. Oh darn. The trash was just picked up. Next time, don't leave your mess and stuff where it does not belong.
Yes my dear. I did tell you to get your failed family progeny under control or they will never darken my doorway again. Do it, or... don't. Your call.
They are supposedly adults. They cannot behave like juveniles and expect to be treated as adults. Fix your parental failures or... keep them out of our life and marriage.
No, you may not spend one penny of our marital resources on THEM without my prior approval.