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Bio dad wants to meet the kids after being absent the entire 5 years

Texasdad2360's picture

I've been with my gf for almost 4 years and we have a 2 year old son as well as the almost 5 year old twin boys. They have only known me as a father as their dad wasn't there when they were born/in the nicu. He spent a few hours over the course of 3 days or so a few weeks into the twins life and nothing since then. He just recently started expressing interest in getting to know the boys. He is currently in a mental home for burning his sisters apartment down because he didn't want to live there anymore but will be getting out soon. My gf doesn't want to hinder him if he wants to really be there for them with 100% effort but I am skeptical and a little hurt as I was the one supporting the family building bonds with them comforting them, being there for them in the emergency room late nights. What should I do? I know what I want to do but what say so do I really have?

CastleJJ's picture

Unfortunately, you have zero rights to those kids. I know that is so hard to hear. That is the hardest part about being a stepparent; you have all of the responsibility, but none of the decision making. 

If your GF is going to allow her mentally unstable ex into her kids' lives without thinking twice, that is terrible. What if he hurts the children? What if he tries to burn your house down? If I were your GF, I wouldn't just let him back in your lives.  I would share your concerns with her and if she is not receptive to your opinion or feelings, I would back way off with your contributions, both financial and emotional. It's not fair for your GF to make you their "Dad" and expect you to support them like a parent would, only to throw you aside when real Daddy shows up. 

StrawberryPie's picture

CastleJJ has great advice. Having issues to the extent of burning a house down sounds very scary. I'd advise the GF to put the kids safety first. If a judge thinks their dad is fit to see them, then that's what you do, but no way would I be like 'okay! They are with you this wkend, have fun!  Don't play with fire!'

CastleJJ's picture

Exactly. If BD wants to be in their lives, let him petition the courts for visitation. Let the judge decide. At the very most, I would agree to supervised visitation, but I wouldn't offer anymore visitation than that without a judge forcing it. I think if GF forced him BD to petition the courts, he would change his mind about being involved very quickly. He hasn't been around in 6 years. Your GF should make him work for it. It's not in the kids' best interest to have an unstable biodad randomly floating in and out of their lives. They don't even know this guy! Would GF drop her kids off with a complete stranger? Because that is what he is to those kids, even if he is their Dad. 

Mamabearof3's picture

You'll always be the step dad. He'll always be the bio. He doesn't sound like much of a threat. However the kids will benefit and appreciate their bio dads presence. The man sounds pitiful. And definitely shouldn't be alone with the boys. You and her need be present together but be kind and courteous and explain to the children who he is the best you can. 

Mamabearof3's picture

In a public place mind you. I wouldn't allow him to have your guys address. If he wants to write the kids back and forth you can discuss opening a PO Box. But I wouldn't let him know your whereabouts. Sounds very risky. 

Mamabearof3's picture

And I want to add when I said he doesn't sound like much of a threat I meant to you as in being the worlds best dad and replacing your role. He sounds like he could possibly be a dangerous threat so please don't misunderstand. 

Winterglow's picture

Well, he's transparent, isn't he? He's going to be out in the street soon, has burned all his bridges and, in desperation, the only place he could think of where he could crash was probably his ex's. Chances are he doesn't even know about you. Make him jump through legal hoops to get any kind of visitation, including supervised. And, in the unlikely event that the court grants him supervised visitation, insist that it be in a centre for supervision at his cost. 

Texasdad2360's picture

Really appreciate your guys and my sentiments match. I can't help but assume he has some ulterior motive other than the children or is being pushed by his mother(who frequently tries to intrude on holidays and special events to get the twins) either way I don't expect him to go the mile but I could be wrong. The biggest part is safety concerns of course. Also gf isn't wanting to get the courts involved she suffers from extreme anxiety and likes to avoid conflict at all times (something else I fear of) she can  sometimes easily give in rather than start a altercation.

Winterglow's picture

No matter how conflict-avoidant she is, it's time for her to step up as a mother and put her children's safety and well-being first. She doesn't get to shirk her responsibilities. And it is always easier and cheaper to put your foot down at the start rather than try to untangle the mess that can be the result of trying to take the easy/comfortable way out. 

Rags's picture

Your SO needs to immediatley file to terminate pyrobiodad's parental rights and protect the twins from they grill master criminally insane individual.

5 years with zero contact, crimial arson, and mental institution incarceration... .WFT is your SO thinking facilitating serving the twins up on this alter of marterdom of insanity?


While I get that she has anxiety and conflict avoidance issues, serving the young twins up to avoid her own issues is selfish and just wrong.

IMHO of course.

SteppedOut's picture

Seriously man. Wtf is she thinking? And honestly, if I was you, I would be seriously offended.

skell76's picture

Was my dad so those that say you'll never be anything but that...hasn't had a step parent or a good one. He was everything to me and I miss him every day (he passed 4 years ago) now that I'm a SP I wish I could give him a million more thank you's  

I would definitely follow things by the book. The kids need to slowly be introduced with supervised visits in a public place. Get a GAL for the kids to make recommendations so there's a neutral party. If it's worth salvaging. 

otherwise agreed there should have been a plan in place to terminate his parental rights and if that happens you do have the option to adopt them as yours. (If that's what the family wants)

notarelative's picture

Right now BD is in custody. People in custody may say whatever they think will get them out earlier. His stated interest in seeing the twins may be because he thinks it will help get him released. 

GF is putting her head in the sand if she doesn't see a lawyer and figure out what to do to protect her children. If she lets him waltz in, and his mother bankrolls a custody case, she could end up sharing custody. Stranger things have happened.

Your job in all of this is to protect your child. 

stepmomnorth's picture

Protecting the children is the utmost important thing here. There is no way I would let this man near children and I would fight tooth and nail to not have him around them. Protect those kids at all costs, money and otherwise. They are worth it.