My husband cried today…not a common thing
My DH cried today when we talked about SD16. He sees the ' person', who she wants to identify as and I think he is mourning the child/adult she will not be. (She does not want to do school/be accountable/ work/wants to be neutral on all matters she is not passionate about)We finally had the conversation about my disengagement which turned into him letting Everything Slide. DH is conflicted that she is only here a couple days a week and due to her own behaviors, is never doing 'good' and he is tired of being the person who tells her this or has to punish her. Her mother doesn't say boo to her and lets her do whatever she wants and now we both have this kiddo that doesn't obey the rules we enforce with the other kids and is damn near impossible to insist upon. DH feels responsible for who she is-the emotional issues she has developed from her mom being nuts and he not being there 'emotionally' as she grew up. SD is difficult these last 2 years and I disengaged but profess- that even though we can't have her live by the standards of our other kids-she needs to live by some of them (we can't do anything about her failing school anymore, I can't physically make her do her work she just doesn't want to--we can't make her eat even, she has a screwed up hang up on 'feelings' and food is the devil to her, she tries and avoids bodily functions and the 'feel' of food in her stomach. We insist she eats at meals but she is still 96lbs-she is on meds and seeing a counselor)
we discussed that we can ensure she does her 1 nightly chore while home and that she bathed/cleans her room. I told him that letting these slide is not ok. I told him that part of my disengagement is that she is (besides physically/mentally/emotionally draining) more and more like my DHs ex wife and knows how to press our buttons about things we Do Not like. I tried telling him that she should not get to take some trips with us if she is failing/not doing what she is supposed to do (as this has been the case in the past, not all trips but a few she missed due to doing poorly)but he states then she would end up missing all trips and he wants to have her around. I understand that, I really do but when does it become more about DH Wanting her to be there versus her being held accountable for things and missing something because she isn't doing what she is supposed to do?
It's all a huge cluster eff...I feel bad because the kid is doomed...but I don't want my marriage to fall apart because of it. We did have a good conversation today though and we see things from each others point of view a bit better now I think. We will see what happens...and now I must endure this next trip with SD. It will be interesting.
on a side note-I did get a Mother's Day card/book from SD without any help from anyone...and we all had a great w/e going to monster trucks (SD actually had a conversation with us)..
sorry this is such a broken post--I'm just everywhere lately.