Christmas
I need advise!!! I don't have anyone to vent to or talk to about this stuff. The reason I sought out a site like this is because of Christmas. Here's a little back story. I met my husband in 2017 and we began dating in Sept. of that year. Of course he told me from the very beginning about his daughterand she means the world to him. He has always lived by himself. He has a very standard custody agreement and they very rarely stray from that....every other weekend, every other major holiday, Father's Day, and 3 weeks out of the summer. When we got married in Sept. 2019 I moved in with him. (I won't even go in to that struggle!!!) Becasue my husband does not handle change very well, I slowly made my mark on the house. Fast forward to now, I've lived there for over a year and have definatley put my mark on the place. So here is what is driving me insane. I feel a little guilty by feeling the way I do about this, but I feel how I feel. So stepdaughter told her dad she wanted a "color theme" on the Christmas tree...blue and silver. I do not want that at all. I have already started putting up my decorations and that would look horrible. Point blank I am the woman of the house and I want to decorate my tree the way I want it. Of course I want them both to help me put the tree up, but I want it to look like I want it to. He has already told her we would do whatever she wants. My problem is I can't say anything to him. He gets so defensive, " I only get to see her a few times a year, so if she wants to do something we do it". That's what he will say. Am I being petty? Is this a "small thing" that I shouldn't sweat? I feel as the woman of the house, when it comes to decorating it should be my thing. This is really bothering me and I can't shake it. I just flat out don't want a blue and silver Christmas tree. My thing is...she's only there every other weekend. I live there, it's my home.
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Get another tree
I would decorate the main tree as you wish but buy an additional tree for her, maybe tabletop size. You could phrase this as wanting to please her, you want her to have her very own tree. Of course, it would go in another room, perhaps her bedroom.
What about a blue and silver
What about a blue and silver tree in her room? She and her father can decorate it.
It's not really about a tree
It's not really about a tree - it's about who makes decisions in your home, and he thinks that should be her. Which is wrong, of course, but sadly common. I agree with the others that perhaps he can buy her a small tree and the two of them can do blue and silver.
The defensiveness is meant to get you to stop standing up for yourself - don't let it.
Is this typical behavior? If
Is this typical behavior? If you want to go to an Italian restaurant and she wants to go to a burger joint, where do you go? If you cook a nice meal and she wants frozen pizza, does she eat what's cooked, or does she get the pizza? If you pick kid-friendly movie ABC but she wants to watch movie XYZ, what happens? Look at the pattern to see how much of a problem you have.
If the tree is the only issue, then I agree that getting a second, smaller one for her is a good idea and easily solves that problem. If it's only part of a much bigger problem, then your DH needs to step up his parenting. Compromise, disappointment, and hearing that word "no" is HUGELY important to raising a strong, healthy, productive human. Indulging and coddling leads to a dependent, weak human. Which does your DH want?
Wow.
Wow.
Whst he should be saying is: "I only get to see her every other weekend and on major holidays, so I need to use every possible opportunity to parent her well."
Anyway. What everyone else has said. It's not about the tree...it's about having an equal voice in your home...it's about being treated like an adult who helps maintain the house and is allowed to make decisions and not like an afterthought in your own home. It's about not being willing to live a life completely subservient to a child's whims.
Unfortunately, these kinds of issues are far too common in step situations. Tell him no. You have to look at the tree every day...not her. You get to choose.
Also...as others have asked...how common is this? Are you often expected to give over to her whims?
I DRAW THE LINE AT MY CHRISTMAS TREE!!!!!!!
LOL... but seriously..... before I even read the other comments, I have to say I am with you!!!! Nope never in a million years!! You are absolutely right, you are the decorator. The only way you wouldn't be is if you didn't care and didn't want to, otherwise it is all your show!!!!!!! Sorry but no kid gets a theme!!
Ok so with that said here are my ideas.
1. Get her a small 2 or 3 foot tree for her room and let her have her theme.
2. Get some blue and silver ornaments and add a few in.
3. Ask her to help with your theme.
By pass her father and don't even ask him. Go to Walmart and for 20 bucks get her her own tree. Just do and give it to her or have it set up in her room when she gets there.
She makes the rules, then she
She makes the rules, then she gets to pay the bills. I'd stop putting any money into the household. You obviously are not an equal partner.
Yep.
Yep.
Though I'd hate to the decision-making purely to finances. There are plenty of stay-at-home parents who don't pay bills but still have equal decision-making power.
But certainly when you ARE paying bills and/or helping maintain the household you should get a say!
Also to add further to my idea
I would play dumb!! I would not tell DH go get the little tree, put it in her room. Then when she comes over do a SURPRISE!!!
I would also get that tree of yours decorated quick before she gets there. Then if they say anything say so oh I thought you wanted your own tree the "family tree" is already decorated with the "family's " theme. Trade of you might have to put a few homemade or kid related ornaments on your tree to pull it off!!
Welcome to Step Talk.
Welcome to Step Talk.
I would like address this first with you, K?
GUILT is reserved for an ACT that is IMMORAL and/or illegal. . The plight of the Christmas Tree is neither.
Maybe you have feelings of sadness, confusion or even angry. But please do not feel guilt for this...ok?
This is your home, you are now the woman of the home. Decorate your Christmas Tree the way you want to.
I love the ideas the others have about getting a tree for her bedroom. "NEW MEMORIES" can be made at dads.
Your home, your tree and your decorating etc. When sd grows UP and she has her own home and family, she too will make these decisions.
You either compromise or you
You either compromise or you get a second tree. A lot of people have multiple trees - a nice one in the sitting room and a fun one with memories and mixed stuff in the family room, etc. I think you wanting it 100% your way at Christmas, which should be about family and making traditions, is a bit much.
Oh, and I would work on your husband and his parenting abilities....