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Which one of you is this step-GF?

SeeYouNever's picture

My husband made a new friend who is divorced with a couple kids that he had at the end of high school, currently teenagers. 

He lives near us for work for the next 6 months to a year and has a condo in Florida with this GF. He has to fly back if he want to see her or his kids, but since living here a month he hasn't gone back and doesn't plan to due to COVID. 

BM and his kids live in the same apartment complex as the GF, meanwhile he isnt even living there. Apparently he wanted it this way so his GF could continue to get his custody time (otherwise he'd have to pay a lot more in CS.) I can't even imagine what this dude could have said to make the GF agree to this situation. He talks about his ex more than his GF, all I know about the GF is they have been together under a year. 

Ok so which one of you is this long distance unpaid nanny??


hereiam's picture

That is insane. I certainly hope he is putting her up in a lovely condo and paying ALL of her bills, as well as giving her spending money.

I also hope she is dating.

SeeYouNever's picture

Hahaha could you imagine the conversation when BM calls him to say that she saw his GF with another man?

ldvilen's picture

Horrible!  Whatever happened to the women's movement?  I grew up during the height of the 1st (and maybe only) women's movement in the 1970s.  It bugs the shiatsu out of me that here we are 50 years later, and issues that so many women fought for either have yet to come to fruition or are considered irrelevant, deemed as "unnecessary" in this modern age.  Really!?  Living with a man and babysitting his children from another woman for free sounds more like something from the 1820s than 2020s. 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

That's because there's few resources and little meaningful dialogue about step life. If the truth were known, it would be a hell of a lot more difficult for single dads to catch a new partner. Instead of demonizing SPs, it's the PARENTS who are the bad actors in most cases.

The majority of new members arrive here confused, bewildered, and frustrated. They have no idea what their role is or what is NOT their responsibility, and our culture pressures them to accept the currently fashionable childcentric dogma. SPs are getting used and abused because there's no template for blending, no list of do's and don'ts for single parents, and no limit to the carp we're expected to swallow while skids and moms are put on a pedestal. 

I've said before that I wish more was required of divorcing parents, including attending classes on how to coparent and parent as a single mom/dad.. Perhaps there should also be classes on how to blend, and how to incorporate/keep a new partner? Couldn't hurt, might just help.

SeeYouNever's picture

And the "resources" that are available paint step life as a happy commune of parents taking care of kids that may or may not be theirs. I guess it's possible to have that picture of the mom, stepdad, dad and stepmom all wearing matching shirts for the stepkids soccer game life if all 3 or 4 adults can put aside their wants and needs and focus 100% on a child. But my parents stayed together and still prioritized their own needs and happiness while having kids. Why does a step-parent have to give up even more than the actual parents? 

Its like the super mom's that try to have a great career, perfect body and perfect family. There are not enough hours to do it all and it's a disservice to expect this kind of thing from women while men are only expected to earn a paycheck and maybe "babysit" their own kids once in a while. The women who dive headfirst into stepmomming oftentimes burn out quickly. Taking care of the kids and being a perfect stepmom becomes part of the courtship with the dad and that is frankly kind of sick. 

I'm sure my husband would like it if I were more doting and motherly to SD but it was not a requirement of our relationship. It needs to become more mainstream that the expectations for step parents should be lowered. I think that for stepparents to be expected  to invest all of their resources  into kids that aren't even theirs is unrealistic. kids and step parents should be expected to treat each other with reasonable respect beyond that and it really is asking too much. How many times have I seen financial advice that stepmoms and dads need to split their estates equally with stepkids and biokids. Or the advice not to go on vacations if stepkids can't come. Seriously? Biokids too have to sacrifice for the poor stepkids? When does it end? 

a lot of divorcing parents do have to take parenting classes as part of their divorce, however you can take them online and they are usually just PowerPoints that you have to click through and don't learn anything. It's just a check in the box.

Chmmy's picture

And this is why I need to finish my book about skids!!!  It's fiction but it very much paints a real picture.  I am waiting for SD to go away to school in August or just go away.  I'm turning her room in to an office or my new hideaway with a bed.

tog redux's picture

That is crazy.

I also think BM is crazy to agree to share custody with the father's GF. If it were my kid, I would not agree to that.  I'm guessing it's the type of BM who doesn't want the kids all the time.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

You're probably right. Two shi!!y parents, and a dumb bunny SM who will no doubt get all the blame for the poor behavior of the skids.