Feeling Excluded
Hi, first post!
Try to make this short, new relationship, we have been living together for 9 months, in a relationship for just over one year.
It's been difficult I am the OW and have not yet met the 32 yo daughter nor the 2 grandchildren. I have met his son who is 28 but I think that was out of curiosity!
I don't feel I'm getting anywhere, my partner is so scared of upsetting them, they have a period of not talking and he hated it. They say they don't hate me but they do. DD is daddy's girl and doesn't want to meet me, she is not very grown up despite her being an adult.
I know he gives them ££ and it's as if he still feels it's his responsibility to take care of her, she was the reason back then he 'had' to get married and he fees obligated though she got married a couple of years ago.
I feel excluded and hurt, my feelings don't count,he says they'll come round one day, baby steps but I am fed up of being out of it all I feel I will never be 1st in his life, is this he way things are?
Welcome to the site!
If they don't want to meet you, you can't force them and neither can your partner, but what he CAN do is have your back. For me, this would involve things like not accepting invitations where you are specifically excluded etc, and not refraining from speaking about you - ie colluding with their "she doesn't exist" narrative. I find it quite bizarre that your partner is still feeling apologetic to his 32 yr old daughter for something that happened 33 yrs ago! Also, I wouldn't be happy about him giving her money - this should end, except for exceptional and occasional circumstances, when adult kids become independent. But it is his money - and unless it's affecting your joint finances, there's not a lot you can say. I wouldn't get a joint bank account with him - us old timers on StepTalk spend a lot of time advising newbies to separate their financials from their partner's!
All in all, it sounds like your partner is still enmeshed with his adult kids in a rather unhealthy way. I wouldn't bank on them "coming around one day" either. When you say "I am the OW" do you mean that you were the other woman and involved in the breakdown of his first marriage? If so, then if it has only been 9 mths since he left his ex then I think you can expect hostility for a good while to come.
I won't ever come first
He treats them differently, for example gives them ££ but didn't buy me a birthday present...
He's afraid they will stop loving him so texts them constantly checking for replies and doesn't mind the fact they won't include me in their lives, like they need time...is this normal I am new to this!
Does he realize what a sham
Does he realize what a sham of a relationship he has with them if he has to buy it? No, this isn't normal (although it's common) and it looks as if he doesn't really have time for you. What do you think you bring to his life if he treats you so shabbily?
Thanks KES, he speaks
Thanks KES, he speaks occasionally about me but n social events yet....I would expect not to be invited.
Yes I was the OW but both his kids always said it was a matter of when becuase they knew the marriage was over years ago, they have had a lot of grief from their Mum so hate me for that.
Yes it's 'his' money he has some as well as our joint account (Yes, I know...) but it hurts because she is spoiled.
I just feel hurt
He hasn't told me he's giving them money but I know he is, she is married with a husband yet he still feels he has to 'look after her' I am the one that needs this after what I have gone through ( I shan't bore you or be self pitying!) I have read a few posts here where some feel like the DD is the other wife, I am starting to get that!
I want him to stand up to them and not care what they think, she used the grandkids against him for a while but that's over now. He has suggested he bring the kids over 8 and 11 to give her a break...I want to meet her first but he says it's OK and happy to accept that because she may be coming round to accept things. My own DD is 24 and has a mature attitude, she DD doesn't like it because my DD lives with us and she thinks she's being replaced so he's constantly reassuring her she's not and I think trying to buy her.
He doesn't treat me shabbily
I gave him my home, he doesn't treat me shabbily but I don't feel included with his other life/family he has. I think his DD like to have this hold on him.
He just says give them time, it will happen I know my kids...
If he's throwing money at
If he's throwing money at others "just because" and not even bothering to buy you a birthday present when you are giving him the gift of your home, then I'm afraid he is treating you shabbily.
Is he paying half the bills?
You are right..
I never looked at it like this, sadly you could be right...though he hates shopping and won't shop
I feel my home will never be his, though he says it is, just something I feel in my gut
Yes we have a joint account for bills but any improvements I pay for....
How do I deliver that?
Totally agree with you excellence, how do I deliver that message?
I would rather we had a nice holiday but this iss his cash, if he chooses to give it her and the GK over me what can I do? I would rather it was for us but how do I ge this over without being jealous or controlling as you state?
Hate to say this. Because we get it’s the easy way out
To leave. What are you getting out of this relationship? That the big question. If he's has lots of money, As him taking you out, on vacation, ( after it's gets better ) paying you some type of rent. Electric, cable, bills ect. That is one thing.
If he is living with you for free, so he can give his kids money. And you are getting no benefit of his free living that another thing. He can go live with his DD for Free, BUt, But, But, DD does not want him living with her. She only wants her money.
If the children are adults
If the children are adults and acting like this, I don't think things will get any better. Their behavior has likely been reinforced and enabled for yours and unless your SO is willing to up-end all that, you will always feel excluded and resentful.
Have you and your SO had a
Have you and your SO had a conversation about money, and responsibility toward the house, and retirement planning, and whatever else impacts the two of you financially? Could be he has always handed out money to his kids. That was my DH. But my family was just the opposite and I was horrified at what looked like total disregard for our life as a couple. Once DH saw the impact his free wheeling cash handling had, he slowed way down. So, a frank conversation first.
Truth is, his kids don't really HAVE to have a relationship with you. It would be nice, yes, but they don't really have any obligation to open their arms to you. As long as your SO is putting you first, not keeping secrets, and making decisions with you, that might be the best that can happen.
This guy is a failure. Both
This guy is a failure. Both SS s father and a partner.
Move on.