SD getting married; expected to be excited
Hello - I found this site last night while googling adult SD issues. I'm still getting used to the acronyms, so please bear with me and I appreciate the opportunity to join this group.
I'm mid 50s and on my 3rd marriage. I have no kids of my own and never been in a relationship where I had to deal with kids from prior marriages. My DH is also mid 50s and this is his 2nd marriage. We have been married since May 2018.
My DH has 3 kids (he was married for 22 years). He 'had' to marry his ex because she got pregnant. However they had 2 more kids after that. Ex wanted a divorce and left him (moved out/filed for divorce) in Dec 2014. That is when I met him and we liked each other right away. It was refreshing for me because the relationship was easy / no game playing and he often says our relationship is lovely because there is no drama.
Except for the kids.. more specifially SD. Kids are now 28 (SD) and two boys 25 and 21. 21 year old has emotional issues of some kind but very bright, also seems to have severe depression. Middle boy is ok although is he is in the military and we rarely see or hear from him. SD is another issue altogether...
I did not wreck this home. We met very close to them moving out BUT ex wanted the divorce and moved out with all the kids in 2014 and they went willingly. DH tells me SD was interested to learn he met someone (me) and seemed to be at least curious (I think it was to report back to her mother). I moved in with DH a year after I met him in 2015 but I didn't meet her until her b-day in Nov of that year. That was a treat - let me tell you.. as soon as she saw me her face set in stone and although she was sitting down next to me she physically turned her shoulders to make it obvious I was being snubbed. She was 23 at the time and her boyfriend was sitting next to her.
While not as bad as some of the folks on here have been experiencing, it's enough to really upset me as I haven't done anything to deserve this. There have been at least 10 other instances where she has indicated either through snubbing me or just plain outright being rude that she's let me know she doesn't approve of me. DH has sometimes rationalized her behavior but has also tried to get her to tell him what's going on. In my opinion he hasn't gone about it the right way. While he is a very intelligent man with an important job at a large company, he seems to fold abit where his daughter is concerned. I'm not sure if it's because she became critically ill when she was a little girl and they almost lost her. SMH.
As I mentioned there have been other times (keeping in mind I rarely see her) so that means just about every time I did interact with her I got some type of frosty snubbing. Things have got slightly better in that the first few times she was obnoxious, out of control at a family get together, to the point of making everyone feel uncomfortable. When we got engaged in Dec 2017, we saw her brother first (middle son in military) and told him, we were trying to tell each kid in person as opposed to a text.. As SD lived 300 miles away, brother was the first one we saw. When brother told SD we were engaged, she went off, texting her dad and having a go at him staing she felt left out.. when he tried to explain that we wanted to do it in person she texted 'I think it's weird and stupid.. but congrats!'. Yeah ok. DH rationalized it by stating I think her feelings got hurt, she feels we were leaving her out.. hello ?? this is supposed to be a happy occastion??!
Our wedding was very small. I have no family here and I was just happy to get married. So the wedding party consisted of DH's sisters (who are great) his mother (nice lady) and SD. SD acted like it was a funeral. She didn't smile, take a photo or even give us a card. Of course she stayed for the expensive dinner before walzing off to a party. And passive aggresively, she made the day all about grandma, fawning over her and ignoring my DH and me as much as she could get away with. DH maddeningly said 'well she did drive 7 hours to get here'.. yeah right, morbid curiosity and to report back to her mother...There is not one wedding photo where I am smiling properly. I felt so self-concious with her eyes boring into my back.
There's been one other time where my DH was on speaker phone with her and she was arranging to come into town to meet DH and her brother.. she said 'why don't we do something just the three of us'. I heard and my DH looked at me and said to her 'and (my name) too..' she replied 'oh.. yeah'... I was so hurt and yes, humiliated.. Enoughs enough..
Now SD is getting married and brought Fiance over to tell us on Sunday. Strange after the drama she provided when we told her about our engagement, she made us the last stop to tell the news before going back home. Although she is 'decent' to my face now, I feel she is putting on a show for her new fiance to present herself in the best possible light. On the surface she's acting like everything is fine, but when left to our own devices, she'll never make conversation with me unless I force her. When they left on Sunday with 'you must come and visit.. really you must'... DH looked at me and said smirking I guess you're going to FL for vacations and you're going to a wedding. I glared at him and said no I'm not. We already talked about the possibility she'd marry this guy and I told him I'd sit it out. DH's sister knows and she said carefully 'you'll be sending a message'... will I? SD doesn't give a Cr** about me so would I really be missed?
DH and I talked some more and although I was grumpy with him on Sunday I explained to him I'm struggling with my emotions about this. I have tried to tell myself I no longer care as it would be healthier for me not to care, but I'm also struggling with resentfulness over my wedding and how she acted and now I'm expected to be happy and excited for her cos she's such a wonderful young woman. In addition to this, I'd have to face his ex at the wedding and she is a drama filled 'hater'.
If you read this far, thank you. It's been cathartic for me to get this all out.