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It seems I have greatly misjudged the size of that straw

HowLongIsForever's picture

Maybe I need a bigger camel?

I'm stuck feeling some sort of way about BM walking into our house recently.  I'm not sure how to process.  I don't know if this is a vent, if I'm looking for advice or commiseration.  Fair warning, I am long winded.  Having said that, I'm going to let 'er rip.

The not so Cliffs Notes:

50/50, elementary aged SSs.  CS from SO to BM.  SO & BM have been divorced for the entirety of YSSs existence on this earth.  I came on the scene well after they'd divorced (finalized) and were living separate lives.  Skids do not know or remember their parents together.  SO & I are beyond the itch year and at this point have been together nearly as long as their less than 10 year marriage.  Old news.

BM struggles with, well a lot of things from what I can tell, but I digress.  She seems to find it extremely difficult to accept my existence in general, let alone my place in SOs & SSs lives.  This is not new.  In fact, it is often times a source of amusement and oddly enough, empathy.  Over the years, we've packed lots and lots of straws of various weights, offenses and intensities onto my camel.

Note: My camel is a bad @$$. Nothing slows camel down. Nothing weighs on camel.  Camel is hard core.

Midway through the week long stretch the off parent has a couple hour visit.  Visiting parent both picks up and drops off.  This is the only turf presence, all other exchanges are at school.  BM is typically in the entry way for her turn because there is somehow always some info to relay (read: no there isn't).


During a recent visit BM took it upon herself to walk into our house.  I am stuck in my feels about it.  And quite surprised by that fact.  Super icky feeling.

SO was outside doing yard work when BM returned SSs.  They ran into the house, grabbed their gloves and ran back outside across the front of the house (and the driveway) to SO.  

After the boys had made it back outside, BM lumbers through our front door yelling for OSS.  I was still in the house dealing with the dogs, who were less than amused by the intrusion.

In typical BM fashion, she forced herself through the great pain that is speaking to me through thinly veiled disdain.  OSS left a box of who knows what on her broom.  

Later when I had rejoined SO and BM had removed her pleasant self from the vicinity, I commented to SO that he was going to be in trouble for not warning BM.  Y'know, that I was, shockingly, in my own house.  He had no clue.

Apparently, she'd not so much as acknowledged him let alone barked at him or received permission to put the crap in the house.  Really, this is not unexpected or out of the ordinary for BM - she's a clown.  A sad, sad clown.  He has already addressed how inappropriate she was.  He didn't hesitate.  Nor did I have to suggest or ask him to.

And yet my poor camel appears to be down for the count.  I've unpacked everything I can think of in the days and weeks since.  I'm not sure how to get him back up.  He just can't seem to do it.  I don't know what else I can do for him.  I am on the hunt for another camel. 

Anyone else ever surprised by the last straw? 



futurobrillante99's picture

I don't think your camel is down so much as it's found a hole in the fence where a snake got through. Time to get that hole fixed and let the snake know it's not welcome. The next time you see BM, I would let her know that she had better knock or ring the doorbell - never walk into your home uninvited.

HowLongIsForever's picture

It's a very strange thing for me to try to reconcile. 

I don't care if she's IN the house.  Doesn't bother me at all.  But apparently that she let herself in the house sounded the war horn and unleashed my little aggressive territorial monsters.  Salt the earth style.  I can usually calm them and put them away with ease.  Not so much this time. Never expected such a reaction.  Lol 

Damn that hag for bringing out the ugly.


Winterglow's picture

Hang about ... she LET herself in? Why on EARTH does she still have a key? Change those locks NOW and put locks that need a code in their place. That way it's you and only yu who chooses the code and you change it whenever you want to and limit the people who have access to it. Why does she stil have a key?!

HowLongIsForever's picture

Oh no, it's better than that.

There is no key.  Our house is exactly that, our house.  Purchased a few years into our relationship.  No connection to BM or first family or anything else.

She sucks. 

CompletelyPuzzled's picture

You're much more understanding than me.  No BM in my house...ever.  She came in once while I was asleep.  My DH told her if she ever so much a put a toe over the threshold that he would call the police.

HowLongIsForever's picture

I'd burn the house down around me if BM skulked around without my knowledge and permission let alone while I was sleeping.  Oh. Heck. No.

I honestly didn't realize "don't just walk in to not your house" was something that would actually need to be vocalized between adults.

Lots of posts are giving me more to think about on this one.  I feel like a bit of a dolt for missing all of the signs and giving her the benefit of the doubt.

She didn't like SOs approach.  She really won't like mine with my new mindset.  

HowLongIsForever's picture

They can be intimidating but things would really have to be going sideways for them to be remotely aggressive.  They just don't have it in them.

The largest one, who happens to be pushing 3 feet at his shoulder and 200 pounds, made sure to become a wall between her and the rest of us in the house.  Somehow he made himself bigger.  He wasn't going to let her move any further in. 

They play it all very aloof rather than aggressive.  Between their size and the quiet confidence they very easily make things creepy and uncomfortable if you're not a "friend."

If we had one that was scary for more than just size I totally would have leveraged that.  Absolutely.  Lol


Siemprematahari's picture

She crossed a line by entering into your home and glad that your H addressed it. I hope she knows that there will be no next time as if she does your dogs will be unleashed and who knows what will happen should she enter YOUR home uninvited again. She's pushing boundaries and she better thank her lucky stars she hasn't met the right one to drag her @ss out the home by her hair because what she did is a huge violation. People like to push their luck and glad that you all handled it with ease but she definitely needs to know there will never be a next time.

HowLongIsForever's picture

I am quite surprised she did it.  I think that is where my hang up has been.

Normally her dumb is water off a duck's back.  She's mostly harmless.  Unfortunately for her, she's given me an axe to grind.  

She won't be in the house any more.  In fact, she's had to wait in the street for the gate to open before she can get in the driveway.  We used to leave it open for "visiting hours" if we were home.  Place is locked down like Fort Knox these days.  She doesn't like it.  That pleases my little monsters to no end.

Siemprematahari's picture

Good!!! I would have wanted to pull her wig back stepping in my house but that's just me Stop

Glad you shut that down!

HowLongIsForever's picture

I can't lie, I want to push her down.  She didn't know it before but I think she might have an idea these days.  Lol

I did comment to her that I didn't hear her knock, both of us knowing full well she didn't.  With no one else present and large protective dogs being large protective dogs I wasn't going to push it.  She's SOs beast to tame, not mine.

I generally try really hard to be decent to her even if she wouldn't recognize decent if it punched her in the head.

She still feels something fierce towards SO - I don't know if its love or hurt but its definitely not indifference.  And unrequited anything must be miserable.  A choice she makes, sure, but miserable none the less.  I tried.  Oh well.  One more reason it sucks to be her.  She can add it to her "Reasons I'm a Perpetual Victim" list.  

lieutenant_dad's picture

It's amazing the things that break our camels.

I've had a few moments. One was socks. Just buying a little ol' bag of socks.

Why was it an issue? I mean, DH and I can afford socks. I laugh when BM tries to hit on DH. I am not jealous of anything she has. She is a nuisance, but a usually manageable one.

But then she asked for DH to buy the boys' socks. A pack of $10 socks. DH pays $1,000/mo in CS. He puts money into their 529 accounts. We provide health insurance and cover both of the boys' cell phones. We pay for at least 90% of the boys' clothes, activities, school supplies, etc.

So, while he can afford socks, and I walk past the socks at the store, and the boys have zero preference on sock brand, I LOST MY EVERLOVING MIND FOR MONTHS about socks.

Because it was never about socks. It was about her getting way too comfortable in her entitlement. It was about her not even putting in an effort to scrounge up $10. It was about her getting to skate by yet again from having to put her own resources towards her kids.

When BM starts getting comfortable, I start losing my mind. She hasn't earned the right to be comfortable. She doesn't do anything to make the boys' lives easier, and she just makes DH more uncomfortable. And I am no fan of a woman who thinks that because she pooped out some offspring that it entitles her to redraw the boundaries that havr been drawn.

My advice? Punch something. Scream. Cry. Throw a cup at a wall and break it. Just let out all the frustration and say every nasty thing you can. Now, clearly don't do this when others are home, but just get it all out. Unbottle that camel mojo and take a few deep, cleansing breaths. Then, plot how you're going to tighten up those boundaries more.

To me, it sounds like BM can stay in her car, in the driveway, and text one of you to let the kids go out to her. Sounds like if she has something to tell you all that she can email it. She overstepped, and that means she loses the PRIVILEGE of looser boundaries.

HowLongIsForever's picture

Ah so you know.  

SO walked from everything except the boys when he left her.  The boys were all he fought for.  Everything else can be replaced.

I used to look at it as wow that must be so heartbreaking to know your behavior had damaged your spouse so very badly that they'd hand you everything shared just to get away from you.

Having read that I need to go home and smack him for setting the precedent.  She's a boundary stomper, for sure.  I've always chalked it up to her being a halfwit and employing emotion as her only currency.  Never actually considered it entitlement.  Holy crap.  

Now I want to push her down even harder.  Like skin her knees hard.  Lol 

Poor clueless SO.  I'll have to push him down instead.

SalemSmyle's picture

I completely never know when it is going to happen!  It recently happened to me and I am still trying to "refuel".  You are right it wasn't about the socks but the situation... I am the same way and it will be something so dumb and I know it is dumb but I can't help it or seem to let it go because at that moment it breaks me!  Usually, I am stuck on the principle of it and those socks were the symbol of the principle of the problem.

BM should never be allowed to step foot uninvited into a home that is not theirs! 

CLove's picture

Yes, I dont want BM to even THINK of darkening my door (or mailbox) ever again...

advice.only2's picture

It sounds like your camel got the wind knocked out of it and just needed some time to find it's breath again.

When we were still raising Spawn she and my daughter were in the same dance academy. One year at a performance GrandHag came and sat next to us. It was DH, me, my friend, my friends husband, and GrandHag.
When she sat down we all just stared at her like "WTF" she just sat there staring straight ahead and would not look our way. It took everything in me not to get up and tell her to was a public place after all. During the performance she would gasp and clap any time Spawn came on, when my daughter was dancing she would mumble things and look down and wouldn't clap.
I have never resented a person more for doing something so sh*tty as what she did, it wasn't that she acted like my kid wasn't there, it was that she sat her crazy old a$$ right down next to us like there wasn't a sea of bad blood there!

HowLongIsForever's picture

Oh she sounds fun.  Is this her mantra? 

That didn't happen.

And if it did, it wasn't that bad.

And if it was, that's not a big deal.

And if it is, that's not my fault.

And if it was, I didn't mean it.

And if I did...

You deserved it.

Ours is a failure of a gatekeeper.  Its mindboggling to watch her try to orchestrate the clashing of her stories and her reality when we are in the same places for school or sports functions.  It's got to be exhausting for her.  

advice.only2's picture

Lol this was just the grandmother, the meth mom was a whole other issue.

And yeah that sounds like their mantra, but it needs a "you owe me" in there somewhere.

HowLongIsForever's picture

Somehow I missed the grand part of that.  Lol 

Though I'm sure both hags are quite grand in their own rites.  

CLove's picture

We call our BM either the "Beastie" or "The Gorilla". I prefer Toxic Troll. Even her severe underbite looks trollish, and shes disgusting, dirty and slimy like a Troll too. I dont want to insult gorillas, I rather like gorillas.

Our BM Toxic Troll, was toxic sludge from the beginning of their separation (she was cheating, wanting an open marriage, drunk mostly and flirting with his friends and relatives...) and loved bouncing along the boundaries like they were a trampoline - see how high she can go! Yes the entitlement runs deep in this one. She thinks that because she gave birth (twice!) that my husband is bound and indebted to her for the rest of his natural life, and acts like it too. Because she have birth, she is Golden Uterous BM and he is simply Sperm Donor.

This means that when she wants something, or for him to do something, like say hang a mirror in her place, buy a bed for SD at her apartment, give hr money, fix her car, rescue her from something, then "this is to benefit YOUR CHILD", and when its time for something medical, or educational, then "oh, well, I AM the MOTHER after all, you dont get to make that decision, consider yourself lucky that I told you in passing".

But to the discussion at hand, the boundary crossed that "broke down your Camel". Your camel is taking a break, re evaluating the situation at hand, redistribiting the unfamiliar weight. I have a  straw boundary crossing to relate.

straw #1. When then So and I were in a monogamous relationship for about 1.5 years, I happened to glance at his phone and saw a text from Toxic Troll, that was sexually suggestive and highly inappropriate. She thought it was funny (shes a real dum dum, but knows how to push buttons), and tried taunting SO, and putting me down, and told SO that "at least her boyfriend isnt jealous lol, too bad your girlriend IS." This is after I asked him to establish a boundary of what NOT to text SO, that it was inappropriate etc. (backstory is she is a "nasty girl" type and prides herself on her sexual prowess and gets pretty dirty. He said that when she is drinking he would get "zingers" from her regularly. He has since deleted these "zingers". Well I moved in permanently after that. Nature aborrs a vacume.

straw #2. She continually would ask to borrow his truck to haul things. Or ask him to measure her apartment for furniture she planned on purchasing with her tex returns. Or hang a mirror that she took from OUR house that he had promised during the separation. He had also suffered from the "anything to get rid of Toxic Troll" syndrome. She asked and asked and asked. He made up excuses. Finally I got angry and told him, "just tell her no. No is a complete sentence." HAHA. He did and then used me as an excuse. Keeping in mind also that he did not want to do these things. But I was convenient. He said "Clove is not happy with you borrowing my truck." She hung up! LOLOLOLOLOL.
Im like, seriously dude? WT actual F? Then I decided to shrug it off, but mentioned he should not throuw me under the bus like that.

Straw #3. Just a few months ago, she ran out of gas. Shes not currently working so she has her days free, and she has been asked to take Munchkin SD13 to our house so that DH can do drop off at school. She was low on gas, ran out or whatever, after drop of one morning and texted DH to please turn around, and bring her a can of gas. He said "no", and went to work, where she sat on her squishy parts and waited ALL FREAKING DAY for him to come by the car after work, and drop off a can of gas.

THE LAST STRAW. Just a month ago, she stuffed a bag of treats for munchkin sd13 (who is overweight btw), into our MAILBOX. yes, Toxic Troll VIOLATED our mailbox, and I was so livid I wrote an entire posting about it. How dare she stuff crap in our mailbox, freaking b!tch. Yes. It tipped my camel over to have her darken my door and mess with the mailbox. LOL.

HOWEVER, Toxic Troll a few years ago, walked into our home while dropping off munchkin and yelled at us and cursed at us. She is never allowed inside the house ever again. This is why we havent given munchkin a key yet and she is 13. This is why I dont like leavng her alone in our home, why pickup/drop offs are not done when we are not at home.

HowLongIsForever's picture

Ugh.  She sounds like a keeper.  

BM here hasn't asked for SO to put in any physical labor but she did previously attempt to put him in the husband role emotionally a time or two.  Like it didn't occur to her he wasn't going to be her sounding board or help her make decisions any more.

He would shut her down when he recognized it.  Honestly he didn't catch all of it but did pretty well with it before I came along.  He got much better with the subtleties after my arrival.  He doesn't entertain any conversation outside of the boys now, regardless.  This prompted her to whine that he doesn't even treat her like a human being.  Mind you she sees him as little more than her babysitter.  She's a peach.

Skids will not have independent access to our home ever.  There's no reason for it now at their ages and when they get to the point of driving there will still be no reason for it.  So I don't have to worry about BM gaining access via SSs if we aren't around.  

I just have to worry about her galavanting in like she owns the place when they are here.  Lol 

ntm's picture

BM once showed up at a pool birthday party I organized for YSD. She arrived early to give skid a gift and then just...stayed. Never said hello to me, but greeted all the guests, who all complimented her on “her” lovely house. I purchased this house on my own pre-marriage and it is 100% in my name. I was foolishly in don’t make a scene in front of the skids mode. I should have kicked her a$$ out the minute I saw it sitting on my back deck. She finally left, but seriously, the audacity. 

I sat down the next day and wrote a short note telling her if she ever stepped foot in my house again uninvited, I would have her arrested for trespassing. I sent it registered mail, proof of delivery required. It was quite cathartic. 

I recommend you do the same. Right now you’re stuck. This will unstick you. We should all have control over our domain and only people close to our hearts get to walk in uninvited. She took away a piece of that control — reclaim it. 


HowLongIsForever's picture

I hesitate for a number of reasons but initially because she's for SO to handle.  She's his poor decision, repercussions are his to address.  If it ever gets to a point where I don't feel he's handled it sufficiently then I will. 

Bonus that his defense of me and our home is particularly unpleasant for her.  My whining wouldn't have the same effect.

Plus, I can be a not nice person.  Now that she's handed me that axe to grind I have to be realistic and acknowledge it could easily become sport for me.  I don't want to open that flood gate. 

I will probably write her a letter and never send it though.  I've always found journaling relaxing and helpful.  So maybe I should see if putting it down and letting it go helps me move, even if it's just a little bit.

ESMOD's picture

Any way to put the fear of Dog into her? 

BM, please do not enter the house without me or my wife present as the dogs may misinterpret your presence as they do not know you.  They know the kids and I, but you are an adult stranger and may be seen as an intruder and we would hate for there to be an incident that is preventable by you not entering our home without our permission and in our presence.

HowLongIsForever's picture

He did comment on the dogs while he was suggesting she learn to adult.  It was more of an FYI/BTW type comment, though. 

He was so fired up that she just walked right in and then was a total slag to me.  

Although when he followed up their conversation with an email for documentation sake he did elaborate a little bit more on the dogs.  He made it clear that his concern was for their welfare though, not so much what could happen to her. 

Then he added he'd make sure she was held financially responsible (after confirming with our homeowner's what they would and wouldn't defend) if she continued to behave negligently on our property.

Pipe dreams but still amusing that he went all locked, stocked and loaded.  In a very non-emotional business like manner.  Which I'm sure was more aggravating for her than the actual content of the message.

I still really, really dislike her.  More so now that I'm looking at her nonsense as an entitlement issue instead of a hapless twit.