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Had it out with SD..finally..her mom then calls police!

snics19's picture

I have a 14 yr old SD. The teen years have been rough to say the least. Her mom is a Disney land parent, no discipline can do whatever she wants. Her dad has talked to her mom about her following our house rules. Her mom disagrees and continues to participate in helping my SD break any rules we make. I usually dont say much, I do not discipline her that is up to her Dad. Recently I just had it. I noticed she had a trashy thong sticking out of her jeans (our rule NO thongs to school or at our house in general) I asked her why cant she just follow a simple rule? I went from that to her not helping take care of her horse. I told her I am sick of doing all the work and care without any help when it is her horse to begin with. I told her if she doesn't help we may have to sell the horse. Long story short the other issue is a school change her mom has manipulated her into going along with. She has threatened to take us to court over it. So the last thing I said was regarding the school change, she had no answer to why, and when asked if its cuz her mom wants it, she says no. I then said if you cant follow the rules and you're so unhappy here maybe you should just go. I then left shortly to get groceries. On way I get a call from sheriffs dept. That my SD mom called in a domestic disturbance. I immediately go home to 2 squad cars at my house. Her and her mom claim I verbally abused her. I am furious! Of course what I did say has been twisted and lied about. She claims I called her a slut, which I absolutely did NOT! I'm really frustrated and angry. Not sure how to handle dealing w SD in future. Help!

Comments

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Yup. And other privleges. As well as written documentation on everything that happens.

Being a little s*** means she doesn't get the cool things. Like the horse she's not helping with anyways.

snics19's picture

I so agree but I'm struggling with losing my SD all together.She hasnt been nice to me for awhile but I miss being close like we used too. I'm afraid if I do that she'll have nothing to do w me

SteppedOut's picture

Now that it happened once, be expecting more calls to the police if you "step out of line again". I won't live in a house a child controls. 

What has your husband said about this nonsense.

snics19's picture

Initially he was really angry with me for playing right into BM hands. He is concerned BM will now use the police call against us to gain placement of SD. BM and her husband are well off, we do not want to have to pay her child support. My husband works on commission and child support would put us in financial difficulties. Hes gotten better about understanding it's not my fault tho. SD is back at our house but my husband has not wanted us to talk w her about what happened. So basically I avoid the SD and dont bring anything up. Very stressful

ndc's picture

False abuse claims are scary.  I would not want to live in a house with a skid who was involved in making false police reports about me.  What was your husband's reaction to all this?

snics19's picture

Agree! I feel I cant be alone w SD or say anything unless another adult is present. If her BM wants to mess w me it would be SD word against mine. Everyone says people who know me will know it's all BS. But hey I dont want any one stranger etc thinking I'm abusing a kid in my care!

SonOfABrisketMaker's picture

Horse goes immediately. Sold. 

Your DH is never to leave his daughter alone with you ever again.

install secret nanny cams in communal areas.

and maybe stop policing what kind of underwear a 14 year old is wearing. I understand that you’ve made it a rule in your home but I also would be a concerned BM if some other woman was taking such an interest in my child’s panties.

also, tbh, calling her out for the thong can be construed as you calling her a slut. 

SecondNoMore's picture

Everything related to her is now your DH's responsibility. I would refuse to ever be alone with her, so if DH isn't home, she can't be there. Her underwear, horse and schooling are no longer things that you should even think about. It's all on DH. He procreated her with BM, he can deal with all of it.

MommyT's picture

Sell the horse and stop worrying about the underwear. That’s dads job and so is the school business. I agree that sd should not be left alone with you. She could say you physically abused her and have you arrested.

Harry's picture

She with DH all the time. DH leaves the house she leaves with him. Or back to BM. Totally disengage from her.  Like she does not exist.  House gone. ASAP 

tog redux's picture

Don’t worry, I’m guessing she won’t be coming over anymore.  

Where is your DH in all of this? None of this was a stepparent’s job to do. 

STaround's picture

Unless I am reading this wrong, the kid's horse, or at least the one she rides, is at dad's.   I agree 100%, Dad needs to handle more.  No way do I discuss school with my stepkids (unless they ask my opinion). 

tog redux's picture

If they get rid of it, then she definitely won't come back.

I would never have said any of that to my SS. Not my job. 

bananaseedo's picture

My DH never cared that I helped him police the clothing that couldn't be used at home.  To hell with what BM thinks.  I had two young sons at home.  To hell she was going to walk around with camel toe and boobs hanging out around them.  HELLL nah!    Sell the horse-tell if she doesn't like the rules she doesn't have to come over.  If she ever calls the cops again for some BS like this you will personally see to it that her stays are completely stripped of any priviledges.  This is YOUR HOME and you will not have a CHILD control what you can/cannot do and say and how you run your place.  This disengagement squad has points at times-but not on this one. 

justmakingthebest's picture

Not only would the horse be gone but also cell phone, tv, friends, and anything else I could think of. 

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

I don't see anything wrong with helping police the clothing. She had it hanging out. That would be my biggest issue. I don't even let SD6 run around with her underwear hanging out. I would be less worried aobut the fact she's wearing that, and more worried about the fact she's parading it around the house. That would be my biggest issue anyways (that being said... I don't think a 14 year old should really OWN a thong, let alone have it hanging around!)

She's not following the rules, the horse is gone, either leased out or sold. But no longer your responsibility since she wasn't helping anyways. 

She doesn't need privleges if she's going to do that s***.

I'd also be documenting this and the false claims and what really happens. That was if she keeps pulling that crap you can show a history of false claims and have the story of what really happened documented and written down.

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

At school

also have got to be a dress code violation . They are at every school I know of. And they result in someone having to go get the kid from school 

SonOfABrisketMaker's picture

let the school handle it if this is the result. 

snics19's picture

They are a violation at the school and I cant believe they've never called her on it. Sure wish they would! My SD told me she has to wear thongs cuz the boys tease the girls if they can see underwear lines. Sounds like sexual harassment..lol. besides the fact she was wearing Jean's and they weren't real tight either

Monkeysee's picture

I don't agree with the thong rule, nor that thongs are trashy.  I've worn thongs since I was about your SD's age & have always found them more comfortable..

Asides from that, I agree with everyone else.  The horse gets sold, pull any and all of your own resources going towards this little brat, and all priviledges get taken away.  Calling the cops on you like that is serious, and shouldn't be taken lightly.  I also think nanny cams in all public areas of the house, and never ever ever be alone with SD again.

If your DH doesn't back you up on this you've got even bigger problems. BM and SD do not get to control what happens within your home.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Well you know. BM in tears and overdramatizing a lie probably made it sound like a life and death situation...

STaround's picture

She came very close to telling the kid to leave -- as in maybe you should leave.   That is not her call or the kids.  If you throw out a 14YO, that is an issue.  OP should have had her DH deal with it, and had courts modify custody if needed. 

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

And you know what? If I caught her wearing a thong in the 8th grade (cause she is a middle schooler . She isn't even in high school yet) and if it was on display for the world to see we would have the exact same conversation. She also has a hedgehog. If she were not taking care of it and I had to do the brunt of the work, again.. exact same conversation. It wouldn't be considered a verbal disturbance either. 

ESMOD's picture

Is the "no thong" her father's rule.. or one you wanted?   Do you have a horse too?  Who is picking up the slack for her not taking care of her horse?  I would have left the school issue alone.. that was a convo for dad really.

I can see her construing the thong issue negatively.  And.. then when other issues piled on.. she probably felt very put upon so she called mommy to whine.. who escalated the situation to calling police.

It sounds like disengagement is in order.  her underwear.. who cares

Her horse.. you don't care for it.. but point out to her father that stall needs cleaning etc.. and that he needs to sell the horse if his daughter won't care for it.

School issues.. leave it be.

tog redux's picture

I think OP was way out of her lane, especially the part about whether BM was behind the school change.  None of that should have come out of her mouth.

I know others will disagree, but that's the kind of SM I was (am), and I never had police cars in my driveway because of abuse accusations. 

The father should be dealing with this stuff. At this point that kid will probably refuse to come over and BM will agree to that. 
 

SonOfABrisketMaker's picture

OP did bring up a lot of things that put SD in the middle of adult stuff. Good catch.

snics19's picture

Its dads rule but I 100 percent agree. My 10 yr old will not ever go around w thong sticking out of her pants. We have several horses at home. My younger daughter is much better at helping w them

MommyT's picture

To wear a thong or to not wear a thong? That is the question. If the thong rule is a house rule then stepmom has every right to police it. If DH is present then he should say something but if not then it is up to stepmom to enforce the rule or call DH and have him enforce the rule. If DH is not present, the stepmom can act as the adult in charge people! Think of it as baby sitting. You wouldn’t let a kid you are baby sitting break the rules just because the kids are away. In this case, I would just be overly concerned that they called the police so I still say stay away from sd and BM.

Cbarton12's picture

I think SM has right to police clothing if it's a house rule. 

If SD won't take care of horse, sell it. Especially after these events. BM is psycho and SD clearly dramatic. 

I would refuse to be alone with her. 

tog redux's picture

Still waiting to hear where the father is in all of this. Why does the SM have to enforce all of these rules?

snics19's picture

Dad is pretty passive doesnt like to rock boat He works alot so I do shuttling of kids to activities etc. I work PT and spend more time w them, normally something I like and appreciate being able to do. It was much easier before she hit 13

still learning's picture

Personally I think policing a teen girls underwear is invasive and a little creepy.  I would have been a bit creeped out if exH and his SO had done that to dd.  I don't think it's SM or DH's job to enforce what undergarments SD is wearing unless they are part of some strict religious cult.  I can only imagine the House Rules posted on the wall: NO THONGS! Maybe the rules should be examined, why is this even a rule and why is it important?  Speaking for myself, thongs are much more comfortable than regular panties that tend to ride up and also leave the panty lines.  

The school thing should only have been discussed between mom and dad. For SM to question sd about it was uncalled for.  The horse issue is also something that DH should have broached and dealt with.  It sounds like OP has been put or put herself in a positon of too much responsibility for everything SD and sd and bm are resenting it.  Give the responsibility back to the parents, it is completely their issue.  

 

bananaseedo's picture

The house rule is their business- MANY people have this rule- they feel it oversexualizes young girls ( I happen to very much agree) 

As to school- if she has been invovled in the girls life since she was a baby then damn right she can speak up...she's done her time she gets a say so...I speak up to my Sd about her school all the time, grades, when she is finishing her course-get on her if she's behind....and I've been around 10 years.   She has no issue with it.  Some of you guys take this disengagment to far.  She needs a firm grounding for getting cops involved....

notasm3's picture

If someone made a false report to the police about me i would NEVER be near them again.  

TheEvilStepmomStrikesBack's picture

BM called the police on me because she didn’t take the time to look and see when SS was supposed to be coming back from break. She started an argument, I hung up (on my phone not DH’s) and blocker her so she called the police saying I wouldn’t let her talk to SS. Keep in mind I was at work and the CO says she has to call DH between 5-7. This was like noon.  Just disengage 

CLove's picture

underwear - Nacho bizness

School change = nacho bizness

Horse care = your bizness

Nanny cams/dont be alone with the little liar.

I too had a drama SD, and her mother, is Toxic, as in Toxic Troll. They both lie and make things up and create drama Feral Check Forger, she has accused DH of abusing her AND her youger sister, who denies all this. When I saw the direction Toxic Feral was taking, back when she lived with us, and the lies she was telling about me, I disengaged, and went no contact, so the worst she can say is I "yelled at her through the bedroom door" during 1 argument.

You must protect yourself, and cover your own self, because DH cannot/will not.

shamds's picture

they ride up your arse and certainly are not more comfortable than normal underwear. At home to have a teen dressed provocatively this way is like she’s competing for daddys attention and affection so stepmum is tossed to the side... no one should need to see skids tits are thongs sticking out at home.... you can dress respectfully. What happens if family come over, is sd walking  around with her thong hanging out? She clearly is wearing too low cut pants if her underwear is hanging out

having cops called on me based on a lie, i’d be out the door. Because my spouse/partner has put me in an unsafe dangerous situation all because he couldn’t parent and control his kids. Thats never ok!! Op needs to nanycam the shit out of her house now and be on her watchful guard, diary everything times dates activities she and sd are doing incase another false allegation like this comes out...