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Had it out with SD..finally..her mom then calls police!

snics19's picture

I have a 14 yr old SD. The teen years have been rough to say the least. Her mom is a Disney land parent, no discipline can do whatever she wants. Her dad has talked to her mom about her following our house rules. Her mom disagrees and continues to participate in helping my SD break any rules we make. I usually dont say much, I do not discipline her that is up to her Dad. Recently I just had it. I noticed she had a trashy thong sticking out of her jeans (our rule NO thongs to school or at our house in general) I asked her why cant she just follow a simple rule? I went from that to her not helping take care of her horse. I told her I am sick of doing all the work and care without any help when it is her horse to begin with. I told her if she doesn't help we may have to sell the horse. Long story short the other issue is a school change her mom has manipulated her into going along with. She has threatened to take us to court over it. So the last thing I said was regarding the school change, she had no answer to why, and when asked if its cuz her mom wants it, she says no. I then said if you cant follow the rules and you're so unhappy here maybe you should just go. I then left shortly to get groceries. On way I get a call from sheriffs dept. That my SD mom called in a domestic disturbance. I immediately go home to 2 squad cars at my house. Her and her mom claim I verbally abused her. I am furious! Of course what I did say has been twisted and lied about. She claims I called her a slut, which I absolutely did NOT! I'm really frustrated and angry. Not sure how to handle dealing w SD in future. Help!

Comments

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Yup. And other privleges. As well as written documentation on everything that happens.

Being a little s*** means she doesn't get the cool things. Like the horse she's not helping with anyways.

snics19's picture

I so agree but I'm struggling with losing my SD all together.She hasnt been nice to me for awhile but I miss being close like we used too. I'm afraid if I do that she'll have nothing to do w me

SteppedOut's picture

Now that it happened once, be expecting more calls to the police if you "step out of line again". I won't live in a house a child controls. 

What has your husband said about this nonsense.

snics19's picture

Initially he was really angry with me for playing right into BM hands. He is concerned BM will now use the police call against us to gain placement of SD. BM and her husband are well off, we do not want to have to pay her child support. My husband works on commission and child support would put us in financial difficulties. Hes gotten better about understanding it's not my fault tho. SD is back at our house but my husband has not wanted us to talk w her about what happened. So basically I avoid the SD and dont bring anything up. Very stressful

ndc's picture

False abuse claims are scary.  I would not want to live in a house with a skid who was involved in making false police reports about me.  What was your husband's reaction to all this?

snics19's picture

Agree! I feel I cant be alone w SD or say anything unless another adult is present. If her BM wants to mess w me it would be SD word against mine. Everyone says people who know me will know it's all BS. But hey I dont want any one stranger etc thinking I'm abusing a kid in my care!

SonOfABrisketMaker's picture

Horse goes immediately. Sold. 

Your DH is never to leave his daughter alone with you ever again.

install secret nanny cams in communal areas.

and maybe stop policing what kind of underwear a 14 year old is wearing. I understand that you’ve made it a rule in your home but I also would be a concerned BM if some other woman was taking such an interest in my child’s panties.

also, tbh, calling her out for the thong can be construed as you calling her a slut. 

GrabitAndGo's picture

The kid apparently had her thong on display.  That's not policing, IMO.  She was flagrantly disobeying a house rule.  I'd probably say something, too, since I believe thongs are entirely inappropriate for 14 year olds unless they are worn for a specific activity such as dance or gymanstics.  

I agree the horse needs to be sold.  I've had horses my entire life, and the largest and most important part of that is their care and upkeep.  If you're not willing to muck the stall, then you don't get to ride.  

SonOfABrisketMaker's picture

it was policing. And then judging and jurying. Instead of noting that the kid was breaking a rule and letting her father handle it, OP lost her mind out of the blue and started haranguing the kid about an entire laundry list of infractions. Was it justified? Probably. Was it appropriate? Absolutely not. Kid agreed to anything that OP says just to diffuse the situation of an aggressive adult and then calls her mother in a panic. Personal grooming and what clothes the kid is wearing should be between the kid and parents.

my own SM didn’t police my clothes beyond “your dad says you can’t wear that shirt to school cause it’s see through at the belly, go put on a tank top underneath.” Which, coincidentally, wasn’t a moral judgement, it was a school rule. It would have been a disturbing overstep if either of them policed my undergarments. 

but yeah, it was a bit trashy that her underwear was sticking out from her pants, no matter what kind it was. Perhaps the issue isn’t the underwear but the too small pants? 

GrabitAndGo's picture

I disagree.  Policing would be going through the SD's drawers actively looking for thongs.  The girl had it hanging out of her pants, and OP called her on breaking a house rule.  I don't care if her pants or jeans were too small.  She'd been told "no thongs" then knowingly broke that rule.  She deserved to be called out for it.  

OP's biography says she's been w/ the girl's father since she was 18 months old.  You can't tell me SD doesn't know OP well enough by now to tell when she is pushing OP's buttons.  OP isn't new to SD's life.  For some reason, I'm pretty doubtful SD called her mom "in a panic" because OP finally lost her cool.  She called her mom to bitch about OP.

I don't think OP should have brought up the school thing, though.  That was something that should have been left to the adults, and not for the SD to address.  

snics19's picture

Your right, I kinda let everything fly at once! I usually say nothing but everything was building up. So I started with one issue and aired them all. I know I screwed up. It's so hard cuz shes been my SD since a toddler. Now shes a moody disrespectful teen and I have no say about anything. I also have a 10 yr old bio daughter and it's hard to treat them differently and have 2 sets of rules. My SD s BM is more like her friend .leaving her BD and myself to be the parents.

SecondNoMore's picture

Everything related to her is now your DH's responsibility. I would refuse to ever be alone with her, so if DH isn't home, she can't be there. Her underwear, horse and schooling are no longer things that you should even think about. It's all on DH. He procreated her with BM, he can deal with all of it.

MommyT's picture

Sell the horse and stop worrying about the underwear. That’s dads job and so is the school business. I agree that sd should not be left alone with you. She could say you physically abused her and have you arrested.

Harry's picture

She with DH all the time. DH leaves the house she leaves with him. Or back to BM. Totally disengage from her.  Like she does not exist.  House gone. ASAP 

tog redux's picture

Don’t worry, I’m guessing she won’t be coming over anymore.  

Where is your DH in all of this? None of this was a stepparent’s job to do. 

STaround's picture

Unless I am reading this wrong, the kid's horse, or at least the one she rides, is at dad's.   I agree 100%, Dad needs to handle more.  No way do I discuss school with my stepkids (unless they ask my opinion). 

tog redux's picture

If they get rid of it, then she definitely won't come back.

I would never have said any of that to my SS. Not my job. 

bananaseedo's picture

My DH never cared that I helped him police the clothing that couldn't be used at home.  To hell with what BM thinks.  I had two young sons at home.  To hell she was going to walk around with camel toe and boobs hanging out around them.  HELLL nah!    Sell the horse-tell if she doesn't like the rules she doesn't have to come over.  If she ever calls the cops again for some BS like this you will personally see to it that her stays are completely stripped of any priviledges.  This is YOUR HOME and you will not have a CHILD control what you can/cannot do and say and how you run your place.  This disengagement squad has points at times-but not on this one. 

justmakingthebest's picture

Not only would the horse be gone but also cell phone, tv, friends, and anything else I could think of. 

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

I don't see anything wrong with helping police the clothing. She had it hanging out. That would be my biggest issue. I don't even let SD6 run around with her underwear hanging out. I would be less worried aobut the fact she's wearing that, and more worried about the fact she's parading it around the house. That would be my biggest issue anyways (that being said... I don't think a 14 year old should really OWN a thong, let alone have it hanging around!)

She's not following the rules, the horse is gone, either leased out or sold. But no longer your responsibility since she wasn't helping anyways. 

She doesn't need privleges if she's going to do that s***.

I'd also be documenting this and the false claims and what really happens. That was if she keeps pulling that crap you can show a history of false claims and have the story of what really happened documented and written down.

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

At school

also have got to be a dress code violation . They are at every school I know of. And they result in someone having to go get the kid from school 

SonOfABrisketMaker's picture

let the school handle it if this is the result. 

snics19's picture

They are a violation at the school and I cant believe they've never called her on it. Sure wish they would! My SD told me she has to wear thongs cuz the boys tease the girls if they can see underwear lines. Sounds like sexual harassment..lol. besides the fact she was wearing Jean's and they weren't real tight either

Monkeysee's picture

I don't agree with the thong rule, nor that thongs are trashy.  I've worn thongs since I was about your SD's age & have always found them more comfortable..

Asides from that, I agree with everyone else.  The horse gets sold, pull any and all of your own resources going towards this little brat, and all priviledges get taken away.  Calling the cops on you like that is serious, and shouldn't be taken lightly.  I also think nanny cams in all public areas of the house, and never ever ever be alone with SD again.

If your DH doesn't back you up on this you've got even bigger problems. BM and SD do not get to control what happens within your home.

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

A house rule is a house rule. Thongs are trashy for a 14 year old IMO.

Follow the rules or go live with the sainted mommy.

If my daughter asks if she can have thong underwear my response will be HELL NO.

Monkeysee's picture

Oh for sure, if it’s a house rule then it should be followed. I’m just saying I wouldn’t necessarily have that rule, but then I never walked around with my underwear hanging out. I’ve just always found them more comfortable & I hate the panty lines you get with normal underwear. I don’t wear them for anyone but myself, and for that reason I don’t find them trashy. My mum knew when I started buying thongs, as long as she couldn’t see it she couldn’t care less.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Well you know. BM in tears and overdramatizing a lie probably made it sound like a life and death situation...

STaround's picture

She came very close to telling the kid to leave -- as in maybe you should leave.   That is not her call or the kids.  If you throw out a 14YO, that is an issue.  OP should have had her DH deal with it, and had courts modify custody if needed. 

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

And you know what? If I caught her wearing a thong in the 8th grade (cause she is a middle schooler . She isn't even in high school yet) and if it was on display for the world to see we would have the exact same conversation. She also has a hedgehog. If she were not taking care of it and I had to do the brunt of the work, again.. exact same conversation. It wouldn't be considered a verbal disturbance either. 

ESMOD's picture

Is the "no thong" her father's rule.. or one you wanted?   Do you have a horse too?  Who is picking up the slack for her not taking care of her horse?  I would have left the school issue alone.. that was a convo for dad really.

I can see her construing the thong issue negatively.  And.. then when other issues piled on.. she probably felt very put upon so she called mommy to whine.. who escalated the situation to calling police.

It sounds like disengagement is in order.  her underwear.. who cares

Her horse.. you don't care for it.. but point out to her father that stall needs cleaning etc.. and that he needs to sell the horse if his daughter won't care for it.

School issues.. leave it be.

tog redux's picture

I think OP was way out of her lane, especially the part about whether BM was behind the school change.  None of that should have come out of her mouth.

I know others will disagree, but that's the kind of SM I was (am), and I never had police cars in my driveway because of abuse accusations. 

The father should be dealing with this stuff. At this point that kid will probably refuse to come over and BM will agree to that. 
 

SonOfABrisketMaker's picture

OP did bring up a lot of things that put SD in the middle of adult stuff. Good catch.

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

Then OP is under no obligation to do a DAMNED THING for Biowh0re’s spawn!

GrabitAndGo's picture

Does it matter who made the no thong rule?  It's been implemented as a house rule, and SD deliberately broke the rule.  I don't care if she negatively construed what OP had to say about them, or felt put upon.  She brought that on herself.  

OP's bio says she has several horses.  It appears SD isn't doing her share to take care of the one she rides.  OP can't just sit back and not care of the horse.  True horsepeople aren't wired that way.  We'll take care of any horse no matter who it belongs to.  

ESMOD's picture

I think that unless a "house rule" is impacting you directly.. and you are not the child's bio parent.. leave things like clothing choices to the bio parent. 

Yeah.. no thongs is apparently a "house rule".. why?  How was the thong discovered.. kid bent over.. or wearng her pants below the offending garments?  Honestly, I might have said.. honey pull your pants up I can see your underwear.. and I'm pretty sure your dad said you weren't to wear that kind.  If it was imminent that the kid was walking out the door to school.. and about to get "dress coded".  If she is just lounging around in the house?  mention to DH later.. ya know.. SD is wearing thongs.. I know you told her not to.. you might want to discuss.

RE the horse issue.  I am also a horse owner.. and I'm not advocating that OP take on all the work of the girl's horse.  Horse must be watered and fed.. and dumping grain and hay for one more horse isn't honestly a huge undertaking.  BUT.. she can certainly tell the girl.  "your horse's stall needs cleaning.. when are you going to do it?".  Or she can say.. "I need you to feed saturday and sunday.. and hold her to it.  If girl refuses to do her share.. then OP needs to address this further with DH.  SD isn't pulling her weight with her horse.. so I think we should sell the horse?

The school issue.. absolutely don't get into those things with kids.. especially when they are BM vs DH issues.

GrabitAndGo's picture

SD had apparently already been told and KNEW the house rule was NO THONGS.  It doesn't matter WHY the rule came into being, all that matters is it's a rule and SD blatantly broke it.  Is OP not allowed to enforce the rules she and her DH decided upon?  I'd have said something to the girl, too, under the circumstances.  

If SD isn't going to take proper care of her horse then the horse needs to be sold.  None of this "When are you going to clean his stall?" crap.  She can either get her bratty a$$ down to the barn every day to feed, water, and muck or she can lose the privilege of having a horse.  OP shouldn't soft soap that with her DH, either.  "DH, SD apparently wants the fun of riding a horse, but none of the responsibility of actually caring for one.  Time to advertise her horse for sale.  She can buy her own next time, and pay for full board somewhere."

ESMOD's picture

Please... I guarantee you that your parents didn't go scorched earth on you when you forgot to take a dog for a walk.. or some other chore.   Taking the horse away for slacking as a first move.. that's a bit much.  However, yeah.. if she is in the barn taking care of her own horses.. saying "Hey.. snowball's stall needs to be cleaned today.. when will you be getting to it?.. that's fine.  That is actually a bit more necessary than some thong situation that could have and should have been handled by her father.  the difference?  The thong.. that is a preference in mode of dress.. no one is dying from wearing a thong.  The horse stall?  horse's health can be impacted.. so Yeah.. you can remind about the horse chore.. but leave the thong discussion to dad.  Only speak to clothing if the kid is clearly in violation of a school dress code..

The fact is that it sounds like OP ended up unleashing on the girl.. piling on about more than just a thong.. and then getting over into territory about disagreements between the girl's parents.    Did it rise to a domestic disturbance?  Most likely no.  But when lil girl calls her mommy and tells her that SM "lost her ST on her".. well mommy went full mama bear.  I'm sure the girl painted a pretty picture of "poor her".. and probably exagerated the situation a bit.. and then her mother overreacted.

 

 

Now the police being called?  that sounds like BM clearly got that to happen.. and I don't know whether SD had all that much choice in that happening.. though she may have felt she had to defend her mom's actions and play the story up because she didn't want to be embarassed that she ended up causing a fuss.

 

So.. dad deals with the non-life threatening and non-household impacting rule like no thong.  Yes it's a rule.. but it's not a pull the kid back from the brink of danger rule.

The horse situation is different because the well being of a living being is at stake.  Not saying the girl needs to lose the horse.. but she needs to in the short term get on her chores and in the larger picture.. DH needs to have a serious discussion with her regarding whether she wants to keep the horse or not.

The disagreement on school between parents.. that was not needed at all.

Look,  I get the OP just lost her cool with the girl.  Teen girls can do that to you.  The police showing up?  I'm sure that was extremely unnecessary and scary... and DH should be getting to the bottom of why it got escalated to that point.. and there may be consequences for THAT too.

 

GrabitAndGo's picture

I reiterate - no thongs was the house rule, and SD deliberately broke that rule.  If she wants to wear underwear that crawl into her asscrack, fine.  She can do that when she's not at OP's house, though.  It's the disrespect of knowingly flouting a rule she knew her dad had a hand in making.  

I also stand by the premise if SD isn't going to put in the time and effort to appropriately care for a horse then the horse needs to be sold.  I saw it happen plenty of times over the years.  Girls hit the teenage years and friends, boys, and socializing become more interesting than getting dirty and dusty at the barn.  I've seen more than one horse sold because a young person found other things they wanted to do.

It sounds like things have been building for the OP when it comes to SD, and she finally blew her lid.  No, I don't think the school thing should have been brought up, but I can see how it was if OP had reached the end of her rope and was erupting like a volcano.  This was not a situation that warranted police involvement.  I hope DH has a long discussion with his kid about it, too.  

snics19's picture

Its dads rule but I 100 percent agree. My 10 yr old will not ever go around w thong sticking out of her pants. We have several horses at home. My younger daughter is much better at helping w them

MommyT's picture

To wear a thong or to not wear a thong? That is the question. If the thong rule is a house rule then stepmom has every right to police it. If DH is present then he should say something but if not then it is up to stepmom to enforce the rule or call DH and have him enforce the rule. If DH is not present, the stepmom can act as the adult in charge people! Think of it as baby sitting. You wouldn’t let a kid you are baby sitting break the rules just because the kids are away. In this case, I would just be overly concerned that they called the police so I still say stay away from sd and BM.

Cbarton12's picture

I think SM has right to police clothing if it's a house rule. 

If SD won't take care of horse, sell it. Especially after these events. BM is psycho and SD clearly dramatic. 

I would refuse to be alone with her. 

tog redux's picture

Still waiting to hear where the father is in all of this. Why does the SM have to enforce all of these rules?

GrabitAndGo's picture

Based on what OP wrote I don't think she does - she usually leaves it up to her DH.  To me it sounds OP finally had enough of SD exhibiting poor behavior, and lost her sh!t.  It happens to the best of us.  

snics19's picture

Dad is pretty passive doesnt like to rock boat He works alot so I do shuttling of kids to activities etc. I work PT and spend more time w them, normally something I like and appreciate being able to do. It was much easier before she hit 13

still learning's picture

Personally I think policing a teen girls underwear is invasive and a little creepy.  I would have been a bit creeped out if exH and his SO had done that to dd.  I don't think it's SM or DH's job to enforce what undergarments SD is wearing unless they are part of some strict religious cult.  I can only imagine the House Rules posted on the wall: NO THONGS! Maybe the rules should be examined, why is this even a rule and why is it important?  Speaking for myself, thongs are much more comfortable than regular panties that tend to ride up and also leave the panty lines.  

The school thing should only have been discussed between mom and dad. For SM to question sd about it was uncalled for.  The horse issue is also something that DH should have broached and dealt with.  It sounds like OP has been put or put herself in a positon of too much responsibility for everything SD and sd and bm are resenting it.  Give the responsibility back to the parents, it is completely their issue.  

 

bananaseedo's picture

The house rule is their business- MANY people have this rule- they feel it oversexualizes young girls ( I happen to very much agree) 

As to school- if she has been invovled in the girls life since she was a baby then damn right she can speak up...she's done her time she gets a say so...I speak up to my Sd about her school all the time, grades, when she is finishing her course-get on her if she's behind....and I've been around 10 years.   She has no issue with it.  Some of you guys take this disengagment to far.  She needs a firm grounding for getting cops involved....

notasm3's picture

If someone made a false report to the police about me i would NEVER be near them again.  

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

Call animal control on your stepdemon for neglecting her horse. You stop caring for the animal.

Disengage your money, time, energy and vehicle.

No DH = no stepslut.

TheEvilStepmomStrikesBack's picture

BM called the police on me because she didn’t take the time to look and see when SS was supposed to be coming back from break. She started an argument, I hung up (on my phone not DH’s) and blocker her so she called the police saying I wouldn’t let her talk to SS. Keep in mind I was at work and the CO says she has to call DH between 5-7. This was like noon.  Just disengage 

CLove's picture

underwear - Nacho bizness

School change = nacho bizness

Horse care = your bizness

Nanny cams/dont be alone with the little liar.

I too had a drama SD, and her mother, is Toxic, as in Toxic Troll. They both lie and make things up and create drama Feral Check Forger, she has accused DH of abusing her AND her youger sister, who denies all this. When I saw the direction Toxic Feral was taking, back when she lived with us, and the lies she was telling about me, I disengaged, and went no contact, so the worst she can say is I "yelled at her through the bedroom door" during 1 argument.

You must protect yourself, and cover your own self, because DH cannot/will not.

shamds's picture

they ride up your arse and certainly are not more comfortable than normal underwear. At home to have a teen dressed provocatively this way is like she’s competing for daddys attention and affection so stepmum is tossed to the side... no one should need to see skids tits are thongs sticking out at home.... you can dress respectfully. What happens if family come over, is sd walking  around with her thong hanging out? She clearly is wearing too low cut pants if her underwear is hanging out

having cops called on me based on a lie, i’d be out the door. Because my spouse/partner has put me in an unsafe dangerous situation all because he couldn’t parent and control his kids. Thats never ok!! Op needs to nanycam the shit out of her house now and be on her watchful guard, diary everything times dates activities she and sd are doing incase another false allegation like this comes out...