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I’m grieving the loss of all of those “firsts“ that I will never have

Tessa LeAnn's picture

Lately I’ve been devouring books, articles, blogs, and forum posts on everything relating to blended/step family issues, second wife issues, etc. (note: I am not a wife, just a cohabiting girlfriend, but will continue to use this term -second wife- for intents and purposes).  I’ve been reading posts for months now. This is my first post.

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2.5 years, and cohabiting for almost 2.  He’s 43 and was married for 10 years and now shares 50% custody of a 10 y.o. daughter from that marriage.  I’m 37 and have never been married, but have a 5 y.o. son from a conscious “single mother by choice” scenario.

 

My boyfriend is, hands down, the best partner I’ve had.  I could write pages about what a great catch is and not do him justice. He is my fairytale prince in and of himself...but my “second wife” status and the blended family (complete with regular reminders of/intrusions from the ex-wife) situation does not lend itself to the “happily ever after” first-family life that I always thought I’d have with my fantasy Prince Charming.

 

At first, I guess you could say the honeymoon phase, I was excited and positive about the future and resilient to (or able to conveniently ignore - for a time) the insecurities and frustrations inherent to this common scenario.  But slowly, these insecurities and frustrations started to creep into sharper focus for me, demanding to be acknowledged, and for the past about six months or so, they have consumed me. I don’t even recognize myself anymore. I am negative, angry, or depressed the majority of the time, and as quick to cry as I am to engage in a fight with my bf...just NOT the person I was in the beginning of our relationship, nor the person I have been in previous relationships. It is not me, and I hate it.  

 

I read enough to figure out that I’m “grieving” the loss of the life that I thought I would have: being that “special, first-choice” girl and getting to experience all the big milestone “firsts“ - marriage/wedding/newlywed stage/romantic vacations/buying a home/eventually having our own children - with the love of my life, but now cannot have due to his previous marriage and resulting child. He’s “been there, done that” ALL...with someone else.  I have not had any of those experiences.

 

It’s like I got thrown into the mix right where his ex-wife left off, WITHOUT all the benefits and natural relationship development/bonding/progression and meaningful milestones and events that she got in her honor.  I have found that it is not uncommon to feel dissolution due to the realization that, as you weren’t his “first,” you’ll never have the fairytale romance you always thought was a given and that you’ve watched all your dear friends experience (ask me how many times I have been a bridesmaid and helped plan friends’ weddings, LOL!), but I have seen many first-hand accounts where second wives eventually talk themselves back to positivity by saying “if he had found me first, he would’ve been with me first, obviously.”  But what I have never found in all my forum-and-blog-searching on the topic is someone in exactly the same position as me...a “second wife” who was LITERALLY a second choice...which is what I am.

 

Let me back-up a smidge with a bit of history: He and I dated back in college, over 15 years ago, but he broke it off abruptly and without much reason  (breaking my heart), and very quickly - within mere months - got with another woman whom he would go on to marry, his now ex-wife.  Additionally, she was the one who filed for divorce. He fought tooth and nail to try to keep the marriage (which sounds like it was very unhealthy, by all accounts) together, but her mind was made up. After the divorce, he and I wound up reconnecting randomly, having lost touch with each other years prior, and we were instantly strongly drawn to each other the same as we had been back in college.  It seemed fated and transcendent.  I knew he was divorced with a child, but I was so into him and excited to be with him, that I, like so many other women who jump into a relationship with a divorced man, thought that “love would be enough“ and that being “second,” and all the blended family and ex-wife issues were just going to be “annoying noise“ but of no real consequence. Never in 1 million years did I expect it to be this hard, nor change me into such a depressed, sad person.

 

I know my boyfriend loves me, appreciates me, and that I am special to him (now, if not the first time we dated) - he demonstrates that both daily and in the big picture.  We may not be married, but we bought a house together, which is no insignificant thing.  My five-year-old sees him as his “dad“ and loves both him and his daughter. And his daughter is not one of those stepchildren from hell that I have read so much about.  She is actually usually very sweet and respectful towards me.  I genuinely like her as a unique little person, and I’m finding myself increasingly proud of her and protective of her.  Though he chooses to remain in contact with his ex-wife more than makes me comfortable and more than I think most would deem necessary, she is not a vindictive psycho (has not threatened or filed court motions against him or anything) and seems like a good mother.  All of this seems like it should lend itself to a relatively positive prognosis for our blended family (especially compared to some of the horror stories I have read on forums and blogs, I do count my blessings - it could be a whole lot worse), but I just can’t seem to shake the insecurities and devastation of being “2nd“ and having to give up the special “firsts” milestones I always thought I would have because another woman (who was objectively chosen over me originally, and whom he would still be with if she hadn’t insisted on divorce) got them all with him.  

 

As I write this today, our relationship is headed for the rocks, if we aren’t there already.  I have explained how I feel (and why) so many times that I am blue in the face, and my boyfriend, he tries, but I just don’t think he *truly* understands where I’m at emotionally, and he certainly doesn’t empathize genuinely.  Sometimes he has been as empathetic and sweet as he can muster, trying to cheer me up and try to point out some “firsts” we could yet have together (spoiler alert, there aren’t any nearly as significant as the ones he has already done… But bless his heart, he tries).  Other times though, and increasingly more recently, he gets defensive, angry, contemptuous, and condescending, accusing me of causing all of this turmoil because I won’t just “get over it,” which just increases my anxiety and depression and drives a bigger wedge in between us. 

 

I feel our connection has suffered so much at this point that I’m not sure it is recoverable.  We are both in bad moods most of the time lately, and our expressing of our feelings spirals into nasty unproductive fights at record speed these days.  I feel defeated because by genuinely grieving what, to me, it is a huge loss, I’m unintentionally sabotaging what I do have.  I wish there was a way to make him understand that just because I am grieving the life I can ever have with him doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate and love him.  I would rather be with him in this less-than-ideal family situation than have a “first family“ with a man I wasn’t so in love with.  I’ve made that choice, but I still have to grieve the loss.  But honestly, I’m not sure if this grief will eventually resolve with time - like, in a couple more years, I won’t care that I was “second choice,“ and won’t care that I never got to have a wedding, or the opportunity to make him a father, etc. - or if this feeling is really here to stay and I’ll never be able to be truly happy in this situation.  If the latter is the case, I may not be able to be happy in any “second wife” situation, which, at my age (37), is probably all that would be available to me if I were single again, hypothetically.  That is also something I have considered.

 

Thank you for reading this long post and letting me vent.  I would love to hear if any of you have had similar situations or gone through grieving a life you can’t have with a divorced dad.

SteppedOut's picture

How do you feel it is "his fault" that you can't have a "first family". You also have a child, so even if you met a never been married man, with no children, and got married, etc - you would still have a "non-traditional" relationship. Would you be upset if that man felt like you do? Would you regret your child because the child was causing you to not have a "first family"?

Why do you feel you can't have a wedding or decide to have children with him? You CAN do both. 

How long have you been agonizing with this? I feel like maybe you have spent so much time focused on not being a "first family" and all of the related issues in your research that it has perhaps overwhelmed you? I think that you should talk to a therapist to help you gain some clarity and help with the overwhelmed feelings you are having, before you irreparably damage your relationship. I hope this isn't coming off as snarky - it 100% is not meant that way! 

Tessa LeAnn's picture

Hello,  and thank you for your insightful reply. I did not find it snarky at all Smile .   I didn’t really worry about this stuff at all for the first year and a half, but it is been gradually weighing on me over the past year, and since September I would say it has affected me greatly.   As to why we can’t Have a child together: he actually did want another child, but his ex-wife had her self sterilized behind his back. Just one of the many reasons that relationship was very unhealthy, from the sounds of it. But now he thinks that he is too old to start over with a new baby.  He’s also worried about the expense, since he pays quite a bit in support for his one daughter from previous marriage already.

SteppedOut's picture

If having another child is something that you really wanted you shouldn't give up on that. It will be something you will end up regretting and could cause resentment down the road. 

Could it be you liked the idea of starting over airh him again... but now in practice it's just kind of blah. Everything is "ok", but maybe not IT.

flmomma08's picture

I felt some of these things in the beginning of my relationship too. I didn't have my own kids and I always planned on starting a family with someone, not joining a pre-made family. Then you really learn what step life is like and think what the heck did I get myself into. DH and I both wanted kids together, though. If you 2 aren't in agreement about that, I can see that being a dealbreaker. I would not give up on having a child (if its important to you). You will resent him and his child forever if you do. I also recommend counseling - it helped me.

tog redux's picture

 I’m a third wife and I didn’t experience one moment of that. 

At the risk of sounding dismissive - get over it. You are going to throw away the best partner you’ve ever had because of romantic fantasies? How many men do you think you will meet at 37 who have never been married before? (There are some, for sure). And you have a child yourself, so you already chose to take a different path than that traditional “firsts” with the love of your life. 

I think you are scared to commit and using this as an excuse.  I’d suggest you find a good therapist and sort this out. 

Tessa LeAnn's picture

 That is an interesting idea, being scared of commitment and using this as an excuse. I am certainly not dismissing it. I am also very open to seeing a therapist. I’m a little overwhelmed with the choices, and could use some guidance on how do identify the right type of therapist for this type of work? 

SecondNoMore's picture

I empathize with some of what you're saying... I've had a few serious relationships with divorced men (one had a child) and could never quite get beyond the resentment of being the 'second' and not getting the full courtship experience, so I stopped dating guys in that situation. Here's a big difference: I have no kids and have never been married. If you live in a city, being single at 37 shouldn't be a major impediment to meeting guys without baggage or a younger guy, but you need to consider whether guys with no baggage will want to get tied down with someone who has a child and whether that guy will make a good SD to your child. Honestly, you seem more worked up over his divorce, but I think kids are bigger baggage than divorce. Scroll through STalk and you'll see countless examples of people dealing with Skids telling the childless people of all ages to run.

If you are in love with this guy and he is great to your child, please consider working through some of this with a therapist to see if you can enjoy what you have. I would never suggest anyone settle or be unhappy, but if everything else is great, it seems ridiculous to be so upset about him having baggage when you have your own.

SecondNoMore's picture

Another unique dimension to this is the fact that you were with him first and then he married her; I can understand how this plays with your comfidence, especially given how hard he tried to save that marriage. I’m also not sure from your post if he’s unwilling to remarry, which you are absolutely entitled to want and could definitely be a deal-breaker. All the more reason to try to work through this stuff with a therapist. You might have unresolved issues from the first break-up with this guy and that does make the whole thing a lot more complicated. He can’t change the past, but if he’s holding back on marriage with you because he was married once and it didn’t work out, that is essentially taking his mistakes out on you and I would have a very hard time with that.

Tessa LeAnn's picture

Thank you for addressing the part about how he chose her over me back in college, 15 years ago. (and yes, also that he fought so hard to try to save the marriage with her - he had no intention of giving up on her).  Yes, I think that is absolutely why this is bothering me so much, Probably the hurt of my heart.   I am grateful for every reply I have gotten here, but some of them are a bit harsh, for what I was expecting.  I think some people may have missed that part about him dating me first, dumping me, and then marrying her right afterwards back then.  This really did a number on my self-confidence.  I’m more secure now that we bought the house together, had more time together, etc., but in the beginning, I sometimes wondered what would happen if she suddenly had a change of heart and wanted him back? Would I be chopped liver like I was back in college?

 

And since you mentioned it, yes, I am still hurt from the first break up back in college. It blindsided and confused me, and really broke my heart.  He didn’t offer much of an explanation back then—just some cliché “I have some stuff to figure out, I can’t do a relationship right now” lines, but that was about it. And then lo and behold, he was with his soon-to-be wife just a few months later...

flmomma08's picture

I kind of get this feeling. DH and I dated in high school, before him and BM got together. I always kind of resented the fact that I let him get away and now I have to deal with all this drama that I wouldn't have had to if we had stayed together in the first place. But people make mistakes and you just have to move on and live your life. The past cannot be changed. If this relationship isn't for you, I would say to move on. If he makes you happy and you want to stay, then stay and accept you cannot change the past but you CAN be the first woman he's spent the rest of his life with. Maybe take a trip somewhere he's never been. Has he been out of the country? Maybe that can be your first together. Think of something, anything, and start making your own firsts.

Tessa LeAnn's picture

He has said he intends us to get married “someday” but is hesitant because of dissolution from the first marriage. So I guess that is kind of a wishy-washy gray area...

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Quit reading the internet and find a therapist. This is something you need to talk out with someone who can help you work through it. If this man and his child are as great as you say, why break up because you can't let go of his past? Get some help to get over it.

I am wondering why you say you can never marry him or have another child. Is that something you have discussed?

Tessa LeAnn's picture

 Thank you for the reply! I appreciate it. I agree, I am willing and even eager to talk to a therapist. Do you have any pointers for how to find the right one for this sort of situation? There are so many out there, it is overwhelming. 

 As to your question, yes, we have discussed it. He has told me he “intends“ for us to get married at some point, but he has no plans or timeline. He is hesitant because he’s disillusioned from his first marriage, which he took seriously, but obviously she did not.   As for kids, he always wanted another child, but now  is worried about expenses since he pays significant support for the daughter he does have, and he feels he is too old to “start over“ with a new baby. I would still really like one, and I think he’d probably agree if I pushed it, but I know if he did it it would be just for my benefit and his heart really wouldn’t be in it.  I think that would make me feel even further “2nd“ since he has said finding out his ex-wife was pregnant with their daughter was the most excited he has ever been in his life.  Do you see where I am coming from here? 

SteppedOut's picture

Honestly, it sounds like he has overshared a little bit. I feel like you have gotten too many nitty-gritty details.

As I said above... maybe this isn't the "just righr" relationship for you. Maybe the romanticized idea was there...but in practice, it sounds like you have different wants in some critical areas. You shouldn't have to compromise the important things for you - married and another child. 

flmomma08's picture

I replied above but just wanted to address his excuse about his expenses for his other daughter - if you mean child support, that will decrease when he has another child in the home to account for having an additional child. Honestly, everyone figures out how to pay for their kids. You just do it. It sounds like an excuse to me.

ndc's picture

Not every state will reduce CS paid for an existing child because of the birth of a new one.  My state does not.  CS is based on gross income, and there are no reductions due to additional children.  Children from a subequent BM who get CS get a reduced amount, as they get a percentage of the gross income less the CS paid to the first child(ren), but the children of the first BM are not affected.  That said, I agree that when it comes to paying for kids, where there's a will there's a way.  

Rags's picture

Any time we motioned for a CS modfication the SpermClan repeatedly attempted to get CS reduced based on the SpermIdiot's out of wedlock breeding efforts.  Added non joint kids on either side do not have much impact on CS.  CS tends to favor earlier kids than added kids.

After SS, the SpermIdiot added three more also out of wedlock spawn by two more baby mamas.  That had zero impact on his CS obligation to my SS.  Not that he ever paid more than a pittance.  It was pathetic to watch the whinning, crying and gnashing of teeth when SS was set at $110/mo, then $133/mo and ultimately $385/mo.  They would load SS up with toothless moron guilt trip manipulations.

As I understand it most state CS calulators give a small per kid credit to the NCP when calculating CS but it is not much.

Letti.R's picture

I don't mean to sound unsympathetic but you are being totally unrealistic.
Unless this man is your first relationship, you have had "firsts" with someone else in the past.
Getting involved with someone who has a child brings a whole host of its own problems.
You are not a "first" for him either because you already have a child.

Honestly, it is your choice to get involved in this relationship.
If you want firsts, then find someone childless who was never married.
Expecting your SO to be this for you is your own issue, not his.

You chose this.
You are choosing to wallow in this mindset.
You are choosing to focus on things you never had in the first place and crying over that imagined loss.
You should focus on what you have  and decide if you want it, instead of focussing on what you do have don't have and never will have with this person.
Focus on what you do want and can control.
Instead, it is like deliberately shooting yourself in the foot and then crying over how painful it is.
 

Aunt Agatha's picture

Your SO had all these 1sts with someone else.  How did that work out for him?  He’s divorced and now with a partner that is apparently fixated on all the wrong things rather than being in a fully loving relationship.

Firsts are the practice rounds, the imperfect beta versions. You have the opportunity to be the first time he gets it right.  But you are the one ruining things all by your lonesome, by being overly fixated on silly Disney notions of life. 

You are 37.  Time to pull on your big girl pants, get yourself into therapy, and try to figure out why you are sabotaging yourself.  Maybe this is truly the wrong relationship for you.  That’s fine, we all delude ourselves at one time or another.  But frankly, unless you Figure out why you are doing this, I doubt you’ll be happy in any adult romantic relationship, because at 37, as others have pointed out, most people have already lived a bit.

You sound like an overall lovely person.  Don’t let fantasies ruin your reality.

MrsStepMom's picture

I get it. I had to tell husband to stop ever mentioning his wedding (mentioned when we would talk about something wedding related not him bringing it up) because we didn’t have one and it’s always devastated me. I finally said how much it hurts me to hear about his lovely wedding when I had to get married in a court house alone. 

Healyourslf's picture

The reason you are getting so many "godsmack" responses to your post is because - YOU want to focus on the negative and not the positive.  It's a "poor me" attitude that is difficult to find empathy for. You're a victim of your own mind.

This is your brain (possibly in the throes of depression) on this negative hamster wheel of self-pity. It's in a "loop feed" of "I will never have firsts." Find a good therapist asap who can give you active tools to change your thinking. It's called neuroplasticity - you CAN form new positive thoughts that will allow you to flip the switch from self-absorbed thinking to life-enhancing gratitude. 

It seems that you are having difficulty processing that idealistic, romanticized, fantasy thinking that society sells to young women as soon as they're old enough to be lulled into princess thinking. Love is not about firsts. At 37 (with a bio child of your own), you need to move past that hurt little girl.  There are women, in far worse situations, weathering what life brings with realistic reslience because they have found the core of self love.

You may destroy this relationship and move on. BUT...you will continue to bring this "first" point of view into the next one until you do the work on yourself. What lies underneath is your ability to LOVE YOURSELF. You're looking to the outside actions of others to fill a hole in your heart and basing the value of yourself on ridiculous place card thinking.  "First" does not equate the value of the human/woman you are - figure that out and you'll be happier no matter what life brings.  No man on this planet can make a woman happy if she cannot find that seed of self love within herself.  This is frustrating to your man...he can't fix it so what choice do you leave him? 

 

Pregnantwithquestions's picture

This was great advice, OP.

You feel the way you feel, right or wrong it is how you feel. But you can't allow those feelings to poison you and you need to recognize how harboring unrealistic expectations in your mind is destroying your relationship. It's hard, but you truly do need to "re-train" how you think and process the world around you right now.

Tessa LeAnn's picture

 Sorry for the late reply, I wasn’t able to check in for a while. But this is really great advice. How would you go about finding a therapist who does this sort of work? 

dysfunctionally_blended's picture

Why focus on the firsts you won't have?

Why not all the firsts you will or have had?

I can say we have experienced more firsts together than I can count. First time visiting a new city. First time trying a new food. First holiday traditions together. And the list goes on.

I know it's easier said than done but you need to forget about the past. There is a reason why it's in the past, it's done.

 

elkclan's picture

I am getting married again and totally embracing the 2nd time around thing. I'm buying 2nd hand EVERYTHING for the wedding. (Well, not food...but you know...). I love what another commenter said about imperfect betas being the first time around. There is another way to look at this and it will make you happier if you do. 

CLove's picture

I am childless, unable to have my own, or I would be in your situation. I do get the "second hand blues" evey now and then, but when I am hugging his sweet little 12 yo, or hes looking at me with love in his eyes, it all melts away somehow. I totally also get the whole "pass over" thing. That leads to insecurity. Totally. I can relate. DH was still boinking ex, when he told me they were separated and fighting all the time and despised each other, and this a month before we started a monogomous relationship. I work HARD not to let it eat me up inside and sometimes I give in to that negative feedback loop.

Therapy will help with these intense feelings you have. I myself have been looking as well, exploring ways to change my "stinky thinking". It does take time and a LOT of internal work on self. What that means, its different for all of us.

Hope I dont sound too harsh.

DH and I married after 4 years together. He cried, and he said he didnt cry at the first one. He said ours was far and away the BEST EVER WEDDING. We eloped, we wanted to save money and not get into debt, we are getting ready to buy a house together, this month. It was a GORGEOUS wedding, in a forest, sun shining and much love.

Something I read here that sticks with me - "I may not be his FIRST but Im his BEST". You may not have been the FIRST choice but you are the BEST choice. Try to stop with the self-inflicted misery...for your child and yourself.

And keep us posted.

Biggrin

still learning's picture

He rejected you back in college and he's rejecting you now by giving you hope and stringing you along. He "intends" to do nothing of the sort like getting remarried or having another child.  You'll do for him because you are willing to settle for the left overs of his former life.  If his ex wanted him back you can bet you'd be dumped again and he'd run back to her.  

You've already had your own first pregnancy and first baby daddy. For him you're his first rebound filling in the gaps his ex left open.  Your post screams desperation and disassociation from reality. 

 

mro's picture

Expectations can really get in the way of a good relationship. There are a couple things you said in your post that concerned me. Most of all was the fact that you had dated your current boyfriend many years ago. It made me think of seeing and hearing about my current husband's life before we met. He is not the same person now that he was 30 years ago. Neither am I. No one is. People change a lot especially when you look at a person in their twenties compared to their forties or fifties. I'm fairly sure that if we had met in our twenties we would have not gotten together.

So when you say you got back together with an old boyfriend, it raised some red flags for me. It sounds like you had the expectation of picking up where you left off. At the same time, when you use terms like fairytale Prince or Prince Charming, you are seeing him through Rose Colored Glasses. Although it sounds like he's a great guy, unless there's something you are not telling us, so I'm not sure why you feel like sloppy seconds which so many step parents experience.

You seem to have some fantasy about first marriages resulting in a fairytale romance etcetera etcetera. The reality is it just doesn't exist. I really admire you for being so in touch with your feelings and understanding that you are grieving now. This is a very real feeling and is getting in the way of your relationship. I too went through something like that and it took me a while to realize what I was feeling, because I'm not very good at that. Going to a codependency group helped me with that a lot. You might consider trying it and seeing if that would be right for you. But I definitely also agree with the others suggestions to see a therapist.  You have asked how to find one, and I don't have any real good suggestions, other than maybe to see if any acquaintances could recommend one if you're comfortable asking, or just see if you can find somebody who is experienced with step family, grief, and or codependency issues.

I fear for the survival of your relationship. Can you take a good look at yourself and your behaviors  and attitudes  concerning your relationship and ask yourself if that has anything to do with why your boyfriend is hesitant to consider marriage?

 Edited to correct typos

2Tired4Drama's picture

I think you have some legitimate concerns/complaints which you've tried to minimize or rationalize away.  You say his ex-wife and he have more contact than you think is required and you've also identified that your SO is not gung-ho to marry you nor have a child with you - things that YOU want.  

While some say this may be your problem with having rose-colored glasses on, maybe the reality is that now, after more than 2 years, you are actually taking OFF the glasses and starting to see with clarity that this situation and relationship isn't all it's cracked up to be.  Your gut instinct may be telling you that and you are trying to rationalize it away because this was the man who "got away" from you once.  I do agree with others who say that this is not the same guy (nor are you the same) as 15 years ago.  The river of life moves on and you can't step in the same water as before.  

The fact of the matter may be that this may not be the right man for you.  He doesn't want to marry you, doesn't want to have more kids with you, is overly involved with his ex BUT is happy to live with you and use your resources (money) to have what he wants/needs - i.e. buy a house.  He also does not have to deal with any issues related to your son's father which makes his life easier than compared to a woman who also brings an ex-spouse into the situation.  

Your son is attached emotionally to this man yet his daughter is "usually" good with you.   This "usually" good 10 year old girl will soon be entering her difficult teen years and will place further strain on your relationship.  In the meantime, you son will attach to this man and when the girl enters her jealousy phase with her father, be prepared for your son to become the brunt of her focus.  Your first priority should always be the welfare of your son - be careful who you let him give his heart away to.   I don't think this man is worthy of it.  

I don't think you need a therapist - I think you need someone who will give you insights into your relationship's future - but only once you honestly describe and identify what the challenges are.   I don't think this guy is a good match for you.  He is still (and may always be) focused on his ex-wife and his own daughter.   What do your family/friends think about your relationship?  Have you talked to those closest to you - in an honest way - about the issues that are bothering you?  Ask for their opinions and be open to what they have to say.  

I hate to say it - but IMO you are simply a comfortable and compliant means to an end - which is making his domestic/sexual/financial life easier.  He knows you were crazy in love with him in the past, are crazy about him now, and is capitalizing on that.   That may be why you are unhappy/critical - deep down you know this is true.   He isn't bound to you by genuine love, but by practicality. 

Don't sell yourself short.  You are worth so much more. 

 

Tessa LeAnn's picture

Wow. This.  Thank you for your thoughtful response. I am going to have to re-read this a few times to take it all in. I think there are definitely some elements of truth in what you say. We do have a very convenient and comfortable living arrangement.  For the first year that we lived together, I moved into his old marital house. I give him a lot of credit for moving forward with buying a new house that was just for us, because I always felt pretty awkward living in that house that he and his wife had purchased together almost a decade prior.  When we first got together he was hesitant to consider moving out of the house in that raised red flags for me, But over time he not only agreed but seem to embrace the idea.  I gave a lot of credence to that, perhaps allowing me to overlook, for a time, the fact that he was/is not gung ho to get married, and constantly waffling over whether or not he wants to have a child with me.   And to be honest, the decision is already made about the child. If finding out his wife was pregnant was the “most exciting day of his life,“ and here he is waffling/reluctant to commit to having a baby of our own ( for reasons of being too old, and expense)  our hypothetical baby has already been cast in a secondary role to his daughter he had with his ex-wife. Make sense? 

 

 Further, I have considered a lot of things, but I can honestly say I have never considered what you brought up about his 10-year-old daughter soon reaching the teenage years where “daddy jealousy” will be accentuated. This is such a good point. 

 

 As for contact with his ex, I am thinking I will make a new post about this, because I’m very interested in everyone’s perspective. It is too much for my comfort level, but then again, being as he passed over me for her back in the day, I am probably even more touchy about it.

 

Again, thank you for your response.  You validated some of my feelings. 

irishtwins1617's picture

I think your feelings are a bit natural in grieving the “firsts” you missed out on. Lots of people want that fairy tale life! 

But, I think it’s important to take time to recognize what you are feeling—it’s not necessarily a get over it kind of feeling for everyone—so just realize there’s nothing “wrong” with you or selfish of you for feeling that way. 

Now it’s time to find the strategies to “deal with it,” so to speak. It sounds like you have a wonderful partner, regardless if he’s your first or fiftieth. It also sounds like you have a lot of love and support in your life, which is what we all want. However, we all have skeletons in our closet too, which makes nobody’s story a complete fairy tale! Just because you may have missed out on “firsts” doesn’t mean your life isn’t complete and exactly what it’s meant to be. 

Have you ever heard the song “Bless the Broken Road” by Rascal Flatts? I think it definitely addresses that while your husband may have had a past before you, and you before him, all of your experiences were just stepping stones leading to the each other. That song has helped me too when I’ve felt similar to you. 

Dont dwell on that kind of thinking, it’ll consume you and you’ll keep seeing in black and white instead of the beautiful colors around you! I stressed about it my whole first pregnancy, and got induced early because of stress. Not good for my son I’m sure, but also for me!! Stress is a horrible thing, and it wasn’t until I stopped worrying all the time about being second-choice, my partner already having the been there done that attitude, etc, that I realized none of that even matters! I need to live for me, because there is no restart button! Sure, sometimes I get days where ugly feelings creep up, but get up and do something!! Get your mind off it, and you’ll realize how trivial those feelings actually are in impacting your life over time. 

You are making “firsts” always, every day. Keep creating them and leave the past where it should be. Good luck! 

Harry's picture

You are supposed to understand all there problems. But they never can see yours.  I all always felt as in your case.  Your DH has this picture in his mind of his Happy Family,  wife, kids, house with the white picket fence the 1 1/2 dogs.   When his first marriage went up in flames, it’s like uninsert wife, insert you. And happy family continues.

They play down thing as they were not important,  Big wedding not important. But you know deep down it was. Because you can not recreate it. No one is going to pay thousand of dollars for a second wedding for you. Alone time to play with other, Not important, But when they had the chance They played a lot.  But because of kids ,that can not be recreated. 

Just no understanding on there part, them not trying to make it up any other way. 

 

Rags's picture

Keep in mind that feelings and emotion do not solve problems. You would be better served to engage your intellect and focus on the life that you have.  All that you are focused on and allowing to ruin your relationship is the past.  You can't change it. So why let it ruin your today and your tomorrow.

He is right btw.  You are ruining a good thing with a completely irrational emotional embracing of a past.  You took away a firsts of having a child with him no less than he did.  He had moved on to another relationship.  So why did you have a child with someone else if you were and are so hell bent on firsts with this guy.

Every morning  you have with him is a first.  Every evening you have with him is a first.  Every moment that you make a life together is a first.  Quit letting historic crap ruin your life and his.

His history is not your loss.  So quit making a life together all about you.  Though you attempt to tie this to his past it is all about you and your selfish need to be the "first".

I would normally recommend that people in difficult relationship situations assess if their partner is worthy of being their equity life partner.  In your case, that assessment needs to be done by your SO.  You are not demonstrating that you are worthy of hims.

So... if you want the rest of your life of firsts with this man to continue, pull your head out of your ass, engage your brain and grow up. Quit pouting and please quit making your decisions with emotion and start using your intellect.  

You are ruining your life, his life, his child's life and your own child's life with this crap. He can change this for he and his child if he pulls the plug on this relationship.  Only you have the control to stop ruing your life and the life of your own child with your selfish irrational bullshit.

I grieved the loss of what I expected from my first marriage.  I did not expect my first wife to be an adulterous cavern crotched whore.  Though, alas, she was exactly that.  I did not grieve her departure however.   That was a good riddance moment and a great blessing. 

I did not let that experience or my past ruin the nearly 25 years of amazing I have had with the woman I met 3 years after my divorce was final.  She already had a child.  I did not allow that missed first ruin our life together.  I never gave it a thought.  Sure, would it have been amazing if we had had my SS-26 together? Absolutely but... the facts of that history are if I had been my SS-26's bio dad I would have gone to prison.  So... no first loss there. Prison is a first I intend to never experience.

I can't even count the firsts that my bride and I have had together and how many more we will have together.  Every day we have the day's first kiss, every day we have the days first I love you. Every day we take the next first step forward in our lives together.  There is not one thing in her past or mine that I would tolerate to interfere in our continuous firsts.

You and you alone own this situation. Only you can fix it.  If you have not done irrecoverable damage to the relationship already.

Good luck.

Just my thoughts of course.