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Schedule conflict when SK with us

New2this29's picture

Hello, this is a bit of a longer post, please bear with me — there’s a lot of context to provide about a very complex situation. I met my DH about 5 years ago, a year after he separated from his ex-wife. What initially was just a fling for both of us (we have a 29-year age gap, so neither of us saw this as anything serious at first) became a serious relationship. I met his kids (then SD16, SS13; now SD20, SS17) 2 years into us dating and moved in about 10 months after that. We got married about 2 years later. I had an ok relationship with his kids until we announced that we were engaged. Though the kids were really excited and celebrated with us when we shared the news, SD started acting out in the following months (yelling, slamming doors, not being willing to talk through conflict) to the point where DH asked her to take a break from coming over for a couple of weeks. Since then, she’s been effectively estranged from both of us (we have both reached out to talk and apologized, while setting boundaries around wanting to be treated with basic respect and civility). DH and I both have a really good relationship with SS right now. 

Now for my question/the issue at hand. One of my close friends is celebrating a milestone birthday, and it’s really important to me that DH attend the celebration with me (would be open to inviting SS too but it’s 21+). I often end up going to similar things alone because he doesn’t come if he has SS at that time (SD is in college). If he does come, it’s for a very limited amount of time (30min-hour). The celebration is on a weekend when DH is scheduled to have SS after a week of SS’s vacation with BM (typical custody schedule is Mon-Wed & EOW), in a town that’s 1 hr drive away. DH has said he will come to the party for 1 hr. I’m not ok with that, as it will be another experience where I’m effectively attending by myself (we’d drive in separate cars, and I’d probably get there earlier and leave later). I’ve asked DH to come for about 3 hrs - with driving time that would be 5 hrs total. He doesn’t want to because he feels he can’t leave for that amount of time and that his job as a parent is to “make myself available when SS is available”. I’ve said that we can be open with SS, tell him about this and offer to make up the time with extra alone time between him and DH at some other point that weekend. DH continues to be not ok with it and when I tell him I need things to be more flexible he tells me that I should be more flexible. The fact that this has been the case several times and that he can’t flex for an event that is really important to me makes me question if I really want this -- I feel pretty crappy and unimportant to my DH. I’d love to hear your advice. Am I being unreasonable? Is there a way to raise this with DH in a way he’ll hear me and take my needs and feelings into account? Should I just cut my losses and leave the marriage? Thank you.

ESMOD's picture

I can't believe his SEVENTEEN year old son needs his daddy there for every bit of time during visitation.  We are talking about 3 vs 5 hours if I'm reading this right.  The kid is clearly old enough to be home alone.. should be well able to fend for himself for those hours.

I get that his dad is protective of his time with his son (kids in general I imagine).. since he gets relatively little of it.  BUT.. it's not like you chose to ask him to go apple picking on his son's visitation time.  You did not choose the venue or the timing.  and.. while I could see it being more difficult for a very young child to be managed.. a kid who is approaching adulthood?  come on.. he is being overly rigid.

I wonder if there is anything in that town that SS would be interested in doing.. perhaps with a friend? so he could come along.. and it would be less time not spending it with his son.

Your suggestion that he spend the balance of his weekend more one on one with his son.. is generous.. because I really don't think a kid that age is so needy that he can't accomodate his dad being gone for a few hours (5.. is a few to me).  

You aren't asking him to be left at home overnight.. he is old enough to take care of himself and to entertain himself.  I'm sure his mother feels free to make and attend events away from her children.. there is no reason why this can't be accomodated for a special occasion.. again.. not just some basic desire for you to spend adult time with him.. that could be scheduled any other time.

It's important for your DH to be part of YOUR life too. part of your social life... etc.. it's just as important as being there for his kids.. and I don't think missing a few hours with his son is in any way neglectful... and his son would certainly understand!

New2this29's picture

Thanks, I feel so understood! I'll suggest to DH trying to find something in the town for SS and a friend while we attend the party.

lieutenant_dad's picture

I'm going to make a few assumptions, and if I'm wrong, feel free to correct me and I'll adjust my advice.

I am assuming you met your DH when you were roughly 25 and he was roughly 55? So this milestone birthday would be someone turning 30? And if you're also about to turn 30, then that means there is less than a 10 year age gap between you and your SD.

So a couple of things. Let's start with the party. My guess is your DH falls into one of four camps. First, he feels old hanging out with a bunch of 20 and 30-somethings so he'd rather not be reminded that he's old. Second, he thinks these "milestone" type events are dumb because he has been there, done that and doesn't want to do it again. Third, he feels guilty about what happened with SD so he refuses to rock the boat with SS for fear of fallout. Fourth, he really thinks he needs to spend every waking moment with his 17 year old (and my guess is that he doesn't and has probably gone out for 5 hours at a time for things *he* wants or needs to do when SS is around).

In absolutely none of these scenarios is there anything you can explicitly do to make him come. You can share that you're saddened and disappointed. You can accept that he doesn't want to come and stop inviting him to all these things. You can sit at home with him instead of going out. You can leave the relationship. That's really about it. It's on him to figure out his own bullsh*t and deal with it.

If his issues are related to #1 or #2, then he should have taken that into account before he got seriously involved with someone so much younger than him. You aren't arm candy for him to show off at the senior living bridge tournament. You have your own social life that you expect him to be involved in, too, and he has to be willing to be involved. There's no excuse not to be.

If the issues are related to #3 or #4, then he needs to realize that issues he has with his parenting are his to sort through, not yours to suffer from. He didn't HAVE to estrange himself from his daughter. He doesn't HAVE to be available 24/7 for a 17 year old. If he feels guilty, he needs therapy, not make you pay for his parenting failures.

I'll say this from personal experience: my XH not wanting to be involved with me socially was a part of why I left him (amongst many, many other things). I got very fed up with being "taken but single" especially when I was young and in my prime. I wanted to go out and dance to saucy music, but it's hard to do that with a wedding ring and trying to be respectful of being in a relationship. I wanted to go out on double dates but it's hard to do that when your own husband wants to sit at home. People do look at you funny when you go out without your partner and assume you're either cheating or being cheated on. It sucks feeling alone while taken, and it takes a major toll on your self-esteem after awhile.

So, should you leave him? That's up to you. If you posed it as an option, my guess is that you're already one foot out the door. A nearly 30 year age gap is going to be super hard to overcome, especially if you're still in a time of your life when you want to be going out and doing things that he just physically may not be able to do. Plus, are you interested in having kids of your own? If so, where does he stand on that? And how do you feel about raising a child who will likely lose their father at a young age? If you're not interested in having kids then that isn't really an issue, but definitely something you need to take into account if you do.

You can't make him change his mind. All you can do is let him know how it makes you feel, offer some compromises, and see how he reacts. Then you either accept what he has to offer or leave.

ETA: Regarding SD, if my assumptions are correct about your ages, then I see why SD was likely upset after you two got engaged. If I had to take a guess, your DH pushed you as "stepmom" and not just his wife? A teen isn't going to react well to having someone that close to them in age acting as a parental or authority figure. Your DH majorly screwed up if he pushed that narrative and then "banned" SD from his house for not behaving in accordance to that.

It's a weird and embarrassing situation for a 16 year old. Yes, her father can do what he wants, but it comes with consequences. She doesn't have to have a relationship with you. She doesn't have to accept you as an authority figure. She should be respectful because you're a human being, but I can totally see where she could have been very weirded out by the situation. It's one thing when your parent dates someone younger. It's a whole other level of awkward when they move in and now have authority when they're born in the same decade as you.

It's real rich for him to come back now and try to play Father of the Year to his son when he didn't consider the ramifications of marrying someone 30 years younger than him. I know you may not see the issue with it, or maybe didn't at the time, but it looks super predatory and super creepy. For a teenage girl, it's not "ew my dad married someone younger." It's "ew, my dad is going after my peers who he could have watched be born and grow up through puberty before sleeping with them". It's icky at best and downright predatory at worst.

Your DH effed this up and it seems everyone else is paying for it except him. His daughter lost access to her dad. You don't have an equal partner. Your SS is stuck having to live through his dad's guilt. It's unfair.

ESMOD's picture

These are really insightful comments.  It hadn't really occured to me. .but it is entirely possible he is using his kid as an excuse because he doesn't want to go to this party.. either he feels old.. or feels disconnected from your friends in general.. you are a generation apart pretty much.. that in itself is tough.. and the issues you may face because of it could become even greater.. 

A healthy guy in his 50-60s and you in around 30ish?  you both are still likely active enough to do a lot together.. but what about another 10-20 years when the possibility of health issues will be much greater for him.. and certainly.. few 80 year olds have the energy that a health 50 year old does!  you could become "old before your time" and in a caregiver role.. or realize you spent your most fruitful years with someone that won't be there for the long haul (due to his age). 

Or.. he could feel guilt about how he handled his daughter's attitude.  Certainly "kicking her out" for several weeks is something I would think a parent shouldn't be doing for a minor child.. you work through things.. you don't just go the easy route and give up like that.. but hindsight is 20/20.. and he may be afraid of any outward show to his son that he is making you a priority.. in fear that his son could pull away.  (I actually think this is probably a little lesser likely tbh.. but could be a factor).

I will either put it up to he just doesn't want to go.. using his son as a scapegoat.. or he truly is being overly rigid about how he spends his time on his son's visitation.. but if that is the case.. you should have been seeing this as a pattern over the past years that he won't make "any" plans to do things on his weekends with his kids.  

I think it's worth another discussion.. and I might put him on the spot.  If he doesn't want to go because he doesn't enjoy your friends' company.. or feels out of place.. that is reasonable.. and it's not fair to lay blame on his kid's visitation.. because if he truly feels out of place in your larger circle of life.. you need to know that.. because it could be a sign this isn't the right situation for you both.

IF.. he is being overly rigid because of his son.. yet when it's somethign he wants to do.. he flexes.. you need to call him out on that double standard.. and maybe it's a hill to die on at that point.. if what you want isn't as "important" as what he might want? that doesn't seem like a fair shake in the relationship.

I would be more liable to give him more of a break if there were some specific conflict with his time with his son.. his kid had a sporting event he needed to attend and the party would conflict.. perhaps his obligation to get his child to a sports game does trump a party.. ?  but it doesn't seem to be the case.

 

 

New2this29's picture

Thanks! It's definitely not #1 or #2, we hang out with my friends and go out a bunch when SS is not here (and when pandemics aren't in full swing, ha). My understanding is that it's mostly #3, plus my DH feeling like he has to parent upstream. His ex is a piece of work and has been badmouthing him to the kids ever since they separated (we suspect that's a part of what's behind SD not wanting to talk things through and find a way to reconcile). I'm not sure if I'm one foot out the door yet, but I'm definitely feeling like I can't make him do anything. I can just ask for what I need and then decide based on what he says he's willing to do. So, I guess I'm feeling the "do I accept it or do I leave?" question, and posted on here to see if I'm overlooking anything. I've thought about the kid questions a lot before we even got to getting engaged, so those are not really outstanding issues, but I appreciate you raising them as things to consider!

floralsm's picture

It's odd. He goes out happily with you when SS17 isn't there but needs to be home when he is there. To me that's not logical at all. He must have insecurity regarding SS. I agree that maybe he's worried he might lose him too. It's a deal breaker for me if my DH refuses to go with me to events. It's not supportive at all..

lieutenant_dad's picture

If your question is "do I accept it or do I leave" that's hard to answer. In theory, your SS will be an adult in a year. You could ask how long your DH is planning to keep up with being available when SS reaches adulthood. Might also ask if he would cancel plans with you for his kids if there were any conflicts in the future.

Like I said above, my XH not coming out with me and missing things that were important to me was something that heavily weighed into me leaving. My DH now has managed to balance coming with me places when his kids have been around. They appreciated being trusted on their own and having some freedom from parents, and my DH learned that he could trust his kids to be independent.

Your DH staying with his kid every hour he is over isn't a sign of good parenting, so you're not wrong for questioning it. Whether or not you can accept that this is how he'll be is something only you can answer. One thing I will caution you not to do is get frustrated by folks who may point out things they see as flaws in your DH, think we're just being harpies, and double-down on your DH being a great and unfoulable husband. Most of us are coming with several years (or decades) of SPing experience, previous divorces, crazy exes, etc. We've seen these kinds of patterns before from others who have posted. We'll tell you what we see and you can do with it what you need to. There will be folks who will tell you it's salvageable and others who will tell you to run. Having been through divorce, I'm not afraid to tell folks to leave if that's what they want. I just can't tell you whether it's what you want or not.

New2this29's picture

Just wanting to respond to these, to clarify some assumptions..

ETA: Regarding SD, if my assumptions are correct about your ages, then I see why SD was likely upset after you two got engaged. If I had to take a guess, your DH pushed you as "stepmom" and not just his wife? A teen isn't going to react well to having someone that close to them in age acting as a parental or authority figure. Your DH majorly screwed up if he pushed that narrative and then "banned" SD from his house for not behaving in accordance to that.

He did not push me as a stepmom -- we both told the kids that I'm not trying to be their mom, and would like a friendly, at most aunt-like relationship.

It's a weird and embarrassing situation for a 16 year old. Yes, her father can do what he wants, but it comes with consequences. She doesn't have to have a relationship with you. She doesn't have to accept you as an authority figure. She should be respectful because you're a human being, but I can totally see where she could have been very weirded out by the situation. It's one thing when your parent dates someone younger. It's a whole other level of awkward when they move in and now have authority when they're born in the same decade as you.

To clarify, SD was 18 at that point, and I had lived with them for about a year when we got engaged. Things had been ok, and she was actually respectful and pretty friendly toward me until a month or two after we got engaged.

It's real rich for him to come back now and try to play Father of the Year to his son when he didn't consider the ramifications of marrying someone 30 years younger than him. I know you may not see the issue with it, or maybe didn't at the time, but it looks super predatory and super creepy. For a teenage girl, it's not "ew my dad married someone younger." It's "ew, my dad is going after my peers who he could have watched be born and grow up through puberty before sleeping with them". It's icky at best and downright predatory at worst.

I hear you on this and am aware how things can come across. DH is a super respectful man, not a predatory asshole.

Your DH effed this up and it seems everyone else is paying for it except him. His daughter lost access to her dad. You don't have an equal partner. Your SS is stuck having to live through his dad's guilt. It's unfair.

SD is choosing not to talk to him, not the other way around, so I'm a little confused here.

floralsm's picture

'Your DH effed this up and it seems everyone else is paying for it except him. His daughter lost access to her dad. You don't have an equal partner. Your SS is stuck having to live through his dad's guilt. It's unfair.'

SD is choosing not to talk to him, not the other way around, so I'm a little confused here. 
 

I think what Lt means is he told her to stay with BM. So, that's closing the door on her home with her father. Recipe for disaster, especially with a BM that already is HC. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

What Floral said. She may have chosen to be disrespectful, but if she had been respectful before that, he needed to make a better effort to find out what happened versus shutting his home to her.

Also, to clarify something else, SD being 18 when the OP and her DH got engagrd might actually be worse than when she was 16. That would make her an "adult" like OP. If SD had started being approached by older men, or had seen older men approach her friends, or seen her friends try to get with older men for either good or nefarious reasons, the relationship may have bothered her more. Or, the relationship always bothered her but she was finally old enough to say something about it.

That does mean "kicking her out" wasn't *as bad* because she was technically an adult. But, if my mom was trash talking my dad for years and then my dad did something I found distasteful for whatever reason, I'd probably share my opinion. Being barred from his house would seal the deal on it. It's hard to say, though, whether this piece is an eff up totally on the DH's part or just an unfortunate set of circumstances that just snowballed.

New2this29's picture

Gotcha. Then the only clarification I have is that DH tried to talk to SD about what was going on in different ways for 2 months, but she did not want to talk about it, apart from saying that yelling is not a big deal and she should be able to do it. He had also gone to a family therapist with her for some months, but felt she wasn't engaged and they weren't getting anywhere (he had to persuade her pretty extensively to set up each session). Anyway, even given all of that, I get that we fucked up on asking for a break (I was a part of that decision too, even though he had final say), and we have each apologized to SD several times.

lieutenant_dad's picture

Every parent screws up. Your DH can't take it back or make her accept his applogy (or your apology).

What he can do is not repeat his mistakes with SS, or swing so far in the other direction that he loses SS too but for a different reason. It's entirely possible SS will turn 18 and do the same thing that SD did. Your DH can't really prevent that, especially if SS acts like everything is fine now.

The big issue really is him choosing to be inflexible likely out of fear. I said it already: it's not fair to you or SS. Your DH wasn't opposed to therapy when it comes to SD, so it might be good for him to go back now and deal with any lingering feelings he has that is driving his behavior.

New2this29's picture

He's already started doing that and we also have a couples' therapist. He's suggested we talk to him, I just don't know if we'll be able to do that before this weekend.

ESMOD's picture

I did go back and re-read the custody he has of his son.. it seems like it's pretty much 50/50 right?  three days every week and then every other weekend.

This is IMHO a bit different than a guy that maybe only has two weekends a month.. and wanting to be more protective of those few days a month that he gets.

and.. OP's post.. SS has a good relationship with HER and his dad.  hardly a kid on the wrong side of PAS.

Now.. if the son has a conflicting reason he wants his dad to be available.. that's one thing.  but unless OP sees these people for parties every weekend? and this truly is a special occasion.. why can't her DH be just a bit more open to compromise.

I will be interested to learn whether she gets any traction on the offer to bring the kid and a friend (but let them do something elsewhere.. I mean.. he is 17... they could take one car and he could drop them at the party and pick them up later).

If his dad is worried that he isn't showing enough gratefulness for his kid coming home after a vacation.. he could certainly plan something extra special the next day.

But.. it seems almost unnatural for a 17 to want his dad up his butt every day he is at his house.  I almost think as a kid that age.. he would welcome some freedom and time to just chill.

 

New2this29's picture

Yes, custody is like 60/40, SS gets along really well with both me and DH, and this is a one-time birthday party. SS can't drive yet, which makes that part hard, but I wouldn't mind dropping him and friend off somewhere, maybe for dinner and a movie or something else fun. I'll keep you posted on how things work out..

ETA: DH and I talked again and he's coming for a more substantial chunk of time. Thanks so much for all of your thoughts and advice!

Merry's picture

I had to go back and reread to make sure your SS is 17 and not 7.

There has to be something else going on here. WHY doesn't your DH want to be away from SS for that long? If it's just his own guilt, then you're the one suffering for that, not him. Or, is there an unspoken reason? Is SS a cutter? Use drugs or alcohol? Have unsavory friends?

I will say that I have a bit of a phobia about being away from home for the day -- what if something happens and I can't get back to feed the animals or let them out and can't notify anybody? I don't let that stop me from doing anything because I can inject logic into my thoughts (people know where I am and check in, the animals will be fine for a short period, and friends will arrange emergency care if need be). But still, I have to work around my own anxiety. Might it be something internal like that for DH?

Have there been other times that SS has spent 5 hours on his own? If so, why is this different? If not, then a conversation about encouraging independence is way overdue.

New2this29's picture

SS is a mature, healthy teen -- no troubles or anything like that. When SS is here, DH doesn't make other plans, and only goes out for an hour or two at a time if SS is not joining or when SS is busy with things outside the home. Now that I think of it, part of the problem might be that SS just goes to mom's when he's free and DH is not available for a larger chunk of time. So, probably fear of what BM might say and how that might affect SS plays a role on some level. How would you approach talking to my DH about independence or parenting? Whenever I disagree with him about things like this being healthy, he tells me that I don't understand because I'm not a parent yet.

ESMOD's picture

If his mom is nasty about it.. DH may be concerned she will try to "PAS" him and turn him against his dad.  The thing is.. I don't think seeing his parents have healthy lives including social lives is itself going to make his child think badly of your DH.  It sounds like BM is more than willing to open her home to her son.. "if dad won't be there".. but I really don't think his dad's esteem is going to suffer in his eyes over one party.. away from home for 5 hours. 

I do think it's interesting that his son is going to mom's during dad's visitation.. I might want to explore that if it was me as his father.  Why does he do that?  Is mom's more comfortable.. closer to friend's?  Better electronics/games?  or is it that he doesn't like to be alone at the house?

If he is an otherwise mature and normal trustworthy kid.. another option is to tell him that he should invite a friend or two over because you guys will be out for a while (evening?).. and you will spring for pizza or door dash...  Friends could spend the night.. or not.. but he would have company if being alone at the house makes him uncomfortable.

I think you can absolutely tell him that you don't need to be a parent to remember what it was like to be a 17 year old.. needing to learn independance and learning to occupy your own time and take care of yourself.. and being given the OPPORTUNITY to be trusted to be at  home alone.  He will be 18 and off to college (or the real world) before he knows it.. does he really think it is normal for a kid to never spend time at home alone?  Unless his child has proven to be untrustworthy.. or your neighborhood is particularly dangerous..

what is your DH's concern?  I think a conversation asking him what exactly is he worried about.. and does he think that his mom never leaves the house.. goes to a party during the 60% of the time the kid is with her?  of course not.  Surely the kid is home alone for several hours mon-wed after school right?  If he doesn't feel comfortable for 5 hours.. 3 is hardly different is it? His son isn't his daughter.. he doesn't hate him.. resent you.. he is a normal kid.. if he chooses to go to a friend's (another option).. or his mom's.. getting him after the party is hardly some pattern of neglect is it?

New2this29's picture

Thank you! This is all super helpful to think about! Fear of PAS is definitely a thing, and BM lives in the former marital home where the kids grew up, so I suspect it might the familiarity of it.

lieutenant_dad's picture

If BM hates your DH, she'll spin any situation to make your DH out to be the bad guy. Heck, your DH could donate his kidney to SS and BM would still say something about how he just shortened his life and SS will be fatherless sooner or some BS.  He can't stop BM from saying things. Conversely, BM could say nothing and SS could still end up hating his dad.

Part of being a parent is realizing that you didn't produce clones but independent human beings with their own thoughts and feelings. SS can have a perfectly healthy relationship being physically distant from DH, just as SD had an unhealthy relationship living under his roof. SS will make his own decisions about his dad and their relationship, and your DH will have to accept that.

How do you approach it? First, call out the low blow your DH made about you not being a parent "yet". That's unfair and said in a way to put you on an uneven playing field in the argument. It takes away your equality. It doesn't matter that you aren't a parent. Your DH's actions impact you, and it's his job to find a compromise - not push you into a position where you are just meant to accept his offer because being a parent somehow makes his position the superior one that has to be respected.

"DH, my not being a parent has nothing to do with this. I am hurt that you won't attend this function with me or come up with a compromise that benefits all of us. I am also hurt that you have used my status of not being a parent - especially considering how we've talked about this topic in the past - against me as if that means I should be okay with you not figuring out how to balance your priorities. I accept that you are a parent. I have done X, Y, and Z to facilitate and support your role as a parent. What I am requesting from you is the same flexibility and compromise that I have shown. It is not my job to soothe your fears at my expense."

You can offer up the compromises suggested here and advise that he talk to SS about how SS feels (can almost guarantee that SS doesn't care if your DH goes). If your DH won't do any of that and/or throws back in your face that you aren't a parent:

"DH, not only am I hurt, but I feel utterly disrespected. I will be going to this party alone and I will not be covering for you if anyone asks where you are."

Then be done with the conversation. I'm personally in a petty mood today, so I'd probably also go buy a new outfit and look totally hot to go out to show what he's missing. I'd talk about how much fun it was to hang out with friends and celebrate. Then I'd put on the ugliest, rattiest pajamas I own to go to bed (and maybe eat a Taco Bell bean burrito before bed just to really sell the "I'm in no mood for canoodling" piece of it). 

ndc's picture

What is the point of having a partner if he won't accompany you to events that are important to you?  Why is hanging at home with a 17 year old (who you say is a mature, healthy teen) more important to your husband than attending a party with you, especially since you don't request it of him often and have had to attend other events alone?  I could maybe understand it if SS17 was long distance and was visiting for one of only a few rare weeks with your DH.  But he's with him every M-W and every other weekend!  That's half the time, isn't it? Why is he reluctant to leave an older teen who he sees all the time for more than a couple hours?  I'm puzzled that a mature, healthy 17 year old boy wants to hang out with his father that much.  Does SS never go out, either, or is it just your DH who won't leave SS?  And if he's worried that BM will badmouth him or PAS the kid, that's silliness.  If BM is going to badmouth him over leaving SS alone for a few hours, she's going to badmouth him even if he doesn't.  And if she wants to PAS the kid, she has him for more than enough time to do that.

Frankly, I think your husband is being ridiculous and very unfair to you.  I'd be inclined to pose those first couple questions I asked to your husband.  I would also let him know how hurt you are by his refusal to go to social events with you, and by his failure to prioritize his wife over what is definitely not a need of his son, and perhaps not even a want of his son.  

Are you planning on having children with this man?  (I ask only because of his comment that you're not a parent YET).  

New2this29's picture

All good points! SS doesn't go out in the evenings unless he has a sport team dinner, and usually watches a movie or a TV show with me and DH or plays video games. 

We haven't seen SS that much this summer (summer programs and COVID), which is the only reason I can think of for DH being so rigid. But also DH had vacation with SS last week and they did a bunch of things together, so I don't know.

Yes, I'd like to have kids with DH.

Thumper's picture

5 hours away total,  from a 17 year old left at home, alone.

It takes one text message to 1 person. Next thing is 200 kids are at the house.

Perhaps that is what dh is thinking. If he is, he has a valid point. 

Here is what I would do, I would find a hotel local to the party. I would go, dh can stay at home with his son.

Every Birthday Party is a 1 time party. Just go, have a great time and tell dh to have a great weekend too.

 

 

 

New2this29's picture

I don't think a party is a concern in this case. SS is a solid, trustworthy teen.

If I didn't care about DH coming, then the hotel thing would be great. But it's important for me to attend events like this as a unit with him from time to time.

New2this29's picture

DH and I talked again and he's coming for a substantial chunk of time. Thanks so much for all of your thoughts and advice!

ESMOD's picture

Super glad to hear that!  

In the end.. if after 5 years or so of you being together with him.. if his Ex'es attempts at PAS were going to be successful with him.. you would likely see a lot more of the impact by now.  My YSD had plenty of attempts by her mom.. but somehow was mostly able to consider the source and make her own mind up about us.  Your SS is likely the same and is able to take both parents for who they are.. and can love them both.. even knowing they don't get along.

Harry's picture

But at 17  I didn't want to spent the weekend tied to my BF.  My friends / GF we're way more important then my parents on the weekend. I would be happy if my parents went out leaving me home alone (wouldn't be alone)  My SD's would love to be left alone ( wouldn't be alone ). 
There something off here in this relationship DH/SS.  
 

Your DH know the age difference when he married you. He had to understand your friends could be his kids.  He had to deal with your friends as you have to deal with his friends. Who could be your parents.   But that was your choice .  As a marriage couple he must attend this party as he attended party's with his ex, I bet he didn't tell the old wife that he would go and  only spend a hour at the party .   
 

The SS is 17. Come on . If his relationship with his son depends on his kissing SS ass 24/7. That no relationship.  That paying SS to come over. That not how you treat your child/ man   If SS will pull away never to speak to DH .  That DH fault   His bad parenting of SD  caused this problem. He gave her to much power and she used it against him. 
 

But also a 30 year difference between you and DD. As you are 30 he is 60. Where is this going ??  In five years he going to retire?  You are going to be 35? His income is going to drop.  You will be paying for SK . The older kids get the more expensive they become. 
 You don't want children of your own?   When he is 70 and you are 40. He not going to be doing much.   Hope he has lots of life insurance,  because if you stay you are going to need that to live on. 

Rags's picture

Now.... inform your DH that his spawn is 17 and not 7yo.   His job, primary job, is to make you and the marriage  you share his priority.  Kids are the top marital responsibility though not the priority.  SS is cared for. End of responsibility.  

Beyond that, DH needs to be at your side for  this event as you are with him otherwise.

smh