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When SD is upset, I get the blame

Tessa LeAnn's picture

My bf and I have been together for 3.5 years, living together (in a home we purchased together) for 2 years.  He has a daughter, age 11, from his marriage, and 50/50 shared custody.  I have a son, age 6, from someone I was not married to, who is with us except for every other wknd and some holidays.

 

My issue is, every time his daughter (SD11) gets upset about something - ANYthing - or is in a foul mood, my bf becomes either mopey/depressed himself, or, more frequently, angry and volatile -  not towards SD11 - but towards ME (and/or sometimes my son). In almost every case, he blames my son or I for having caused her upset or bad mood.  

 

Sometimes I get accused when I haven’t even seen or spoken to her in hours and she’s just in a bad mood with no known trigger (she has recently started puberty, and these funky moods are becoming more frequent).  Sometimes the source of her upset is a typical kid fight over Xbox time with my son, or that my son did something to annoy her (made annoying sound effects, ignored something she said, etc).  Other times she’s unhappy because I’ve asked her to do something like clean up after herself or told the kids that if they can’t share, then neither will be having Xbox time.  Sometimes she’s upset at something her dad said or did, but this results in him taking it out on me also.

 

When he gets either angry or mopey, he withdraws all physical and emotional connection from me, stonewalls me refusing to talk about it (going so far as to angrily “command” me not to approach or talk to him, and yell obscenities at me). At the same time, he’ll reach out to SD11, in her foul mood, talking lovingly to her, trying desperately to console her, etc.

 

He will even get upset and withdraw from me when she’s not even here!  Like when he texts her at her mom’s house and she doesn’t reply. He gets so upset about this that he has no attention or affection for me and just mopes, and gets angry at me if I bring it up. It’s like the quality of our relationship completely depends upon SD11’s mood, and his treatment of me (and often my son) can change by the minute depending on her flittering mood.

 

I’m confident enough to know that this is gaslighting and that I have never done anything intentionally to hurt SD11.  I believe that when I have made requests of her (to clean her messes in family living areas, mostly) have been reasonable. And our kids usually get along very well, but when they bicker, they bicker like typical siblings would. I actually feel I have a healthy relationship w/ SD11 - she’s not a “step brat” like so many I read about on here - she’s usually a great girl, but just does typical kid stuff (can be messy, can occasionally lie to and manipulate/guilt trip daddy to get what she wants, etc.) but usually no major infractions.

 

When she does lie, though, her dad laps it up hook line and sinker.  He will always believe her version of events over my son’s, and even over mine, when push comes to shove. Even the few times he’s caught her in an outright lie himself, he sweeps it under the rug and makes excuses for her. Never have I seen a negative consequence or punishment befall her ever in 3.5 years.

 

Anyway, I’m curious if this is a common thing with divorced dad to get in a foul mood themselves and their kids are in a foul mood. And to blame/take it out on their partner or partner’s kids.

2Tired4Drama's picture

I call it the "whipping post" syndrome. Whenever the skid is upset, or the DH/SO is upset by what the kid does or doesn't do, then he takes out his frustration on the whipping post, AKA his wife/significant other.

The assumption is that the whipping post will stand there, silent and motionless, and allow him to thrash out and vent his frustrations.  This is because he does not have the courage to be a true parent and teach his kid proper behavior, give them a life lesson, enforce consequences, etc.

I have been going through this on occasion and in varying stages with my SO for 15 years now.  The older I've gotten the less tolerant I've become for it.  As humans, we can all understand when someone lashes out because they are hurting. It should be a rare event when it does, and it should be followed by a profuse apology.  I've at least gotten my SO to the stage where he can (sometimes) recognize when he is doing it and he has said he is sorry. 

Your SD is entering the most difficult time of all and it will be the most challenging for you.  When a girl hits puberty she will really do anything to start pulling daddy's strings and will do it over and over again, with increasing intensity.  She will play his emotions like a broken banjo and it will fill the entire house's occupants with its noise. 

In healthy relationships, dad won't fall for her machinations and will put her back in her place.  It doesn't sound like yours will be able to do that unless you nip it in the bud now.  

 

2Tired4Drama's picture

any man who hurled obscenities at me would be in my rear-view mirror.  Permanently. 

Swim_Mom's picture

If a man tried to blame me for something that was not within my control, let alone the behavior or mood of his offspring, I would kick him to the curb. His behavior is entirely irrational. It sounds like when a kid takes out anger on the parent who is less like to get punish or withhold affection, because there are no consequences. I would blast back at him. Then I'd either kick him out or leave. That is not a balanced relationship. Don't be a doormat or punching bag - you're worth more than that. Also bad example for your son of how a man should treat a woman (though there are women who do same thing to men).

NoThanks's picture

This is not healthy. Not the way he's being emotionally and verbally abusive when he's upset; let alone upset about things that have nothing to do with you. And not the way he has his daughter on some sort of pedestal that her emotions create this butterfly effect with him, his relationship with you and therefore the rest of the household. And god forbid SD realizes the emotional power she has over her dad and uses it to manipulate him.
 

Does he seem overly invested or enmeshed with her? Kind of like she can do no wrong and sunshine and rainbows blow out of her ass? Everything she does is cute or amazing? Just curious because my ex would react to his daughters emotions in similar ways. It almost mimicked the turmoil in a romantic relationship rather than a parent/child relationship. 
 

Survivingstephell's picture

Sounds like you need to parallel parent in your house.  That means you each deal with you kid and there is no unity between the two. You might hear him out but you don't have to do what he expects.  " Oh ok, I'll think about it,"  after figuring out that your son is being blamed for nothing but SD's bad mood you can choose to do nothing.  If you need something done chore wise around the house that SD should be doing for herself, you tell DH what needs to be done and put him in charge of getting it done.  He can then do it himself or make her do it.  Should not matter who does it, as long as it gets done to your satisfaction.  Take yourself out if the equation as much as you can.  There is a book that was written a while ago called a Gaslighting. I don't remember the author but it had a bright line green cover.  It broke down the methods and gave sample  conversation on how talk in response to a gaslighting  conversation.  I found it very helpful   

 

simifan's picture

Your SO is acting like a prepubescent girl trying to get in with the popular mean girls. What on earth do you find attractive about this? 

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

Been there! It doesn't get better. Run while you can! She'll never do wrong & yes, you're the punching bag. Because of all of the things that you're dealing with and Minnie wife issues on top of that plus guilty dad syndrome blah blah you know how it goes my husband is now out I kicked him out he's living alone and with his daughters who are here till the end of the summer. Feel so much better without them in my life! You will never be good enough. He will always view her As Perfect and can do no wrong even when he knows she's doing wrong because he's afraid of losing her affection. It never stops. I've dealt with it from the ages of two and four to now 13 and 15 and it doesn't get better that's why they are all out! There's happiness and peace on the other side! Take care of you! 

Jojo42's picture

Thank you stepmomwhoisdone for saying this, "Life is better on the other side."  I am trying to figure how to dissolve my relationship and of course there are doubts and fears about being alone.  Based on what you said it seems like you were in your relationship a long time and left, but you'reokay and thriving.  Thanks.

Lizzylemon's picture

My dh tries to blame me as well. I just look at him and say "that sounds like her personal problem" and walk out of the room continuing my day. When I do that he doesn't bring it up again. You cannot let these men have control over your emotions. Be strong and shut this down as it's happening. 
 

you and dh need couples therapy to deal with the deeper issues of parenting in your house. Please see if he is open to that. Good luck! 

Jojo42's picture

Tessa,

This situation sounds very similar to the one I experience with my DF and his stepson. We have been together five years. 
 

As you feel, I also feel that my stepson overall is a good kid and does typical kid stuff.  I usually ask him to do things too like, please clean up after yourself, stop screaming nonstop while playing videogames or don't be on the phone with your friends at 9:00 pm at night. He is 11.  
 

Lately, I feel like I am on the receiving end of a lot from both by DB and stepson.  They are both super manipulative. My stepson gets jealous any time my DF spends time with me even if it's just watching a thirty minute tv show with him. My DB wants me to have the same kind of relationship with his son that his stepfather has with him. The thing is I don't want to spend hours playing video games or watching sports. When I try to have a conversation with the kid I get short answers, sometimes jabs where he makes fun of me. My db does this too sometimes. As a result I speak very little around them. Truthfully, I just withdraw from them and get busy with my own stuff, but this causes a problem too. "Why don't you speak to my son?"  Honestly, I just feel like I am completely manipulated/gaslighted by both of them.
 

I apologize, I've gone off on a tangent. I just want to say, I know how you feel and I think it's real. My concern is that these kids are only eleven and that their behavior will get worse when they are teenagers.