Mountains out of Molehills? And Hi!! I'm new.

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Hi! Newbie here & I can't wait to get to know you all!

I'm an artist & cowgirl & love to nerd out about anything marketing, communications, gardening, cooking, or design related.

I recently got engaged to a wonderful man after a year of dating. We share many of passions & he truly supports me being me. He also has 50% custody of his 50% adorable BD3. This afternoon she kept kissing my hands & telling me she loves me. I love her to pieces.

When I came into their lives she ran the household. Conversations about it just led to defensiveness on DF's part & anger on mine so I began treating her like my own kid. Slowly her uncle (who lives with them), grandma (who provides child care), & DF have begun developing boundaries.

However an issue surfaced tonight & I wonder if I'm being unreasonable. First, a little background:

<ul><li>DF lives in a 2 bed 2 bath house with his brother. Her bed & toys cover one of his bedroom walls & her potty is in the master bath.</li><li>There is practically no privacy & they often shower together. It's a little weird but he grew up in tight living quarters with no privacy.</li><li>Until I showed him otherwise, DF believed that she wouldn't sleep in her own bed. </li><li>DF & grandma are convinced that there are many things she won't do or eat. She made meal times a living nightmare until I finally convinced them it was a control game. Now that the adults are mostly in charge everyone is much happier. (She's still got grandma trained well) </li><li>When she interrupts or tells us to stop talking she is now called out for rude behavior</li><li>I used to go looking for DF after he disappeared in the evenings & would find the two of them asleep on his bed. That rarely happens anymore. </li><li>Then again, she rarely goes to sleep before the adults anymore either. </li></ul>

In short, we've made remarkable progress in a year. The issue that came up tonight is this: I had told DF on multiple occasions how much it upsets me to walk in & find no room on the bed for me. When it kept happening I forgave him, told him it was fine if he wanted to do that, but I wouldn't be spending the night when it happened. For a good while the whole issue was circumvented because we all went to bed at the same time (even though for awhile she told me to get out of her bed) . But tonight I had to run home to feed the animals & he wanted me to spend the night so I came back.

He asked me to not come into his room because she was just getting to sleep (first warning sign). He came out and we both worked on things for awhile. When I went to crawl in bed & guess who was in my spot! True to my word I packed up my things & left. He said that he was going to move her but "I guess you would rather go home."

I told him that wherever you put a child to bed IS her bed & I'm not going to take his daughter's bed away from her. Also I'm not going to sleep on the couch. So if you put her to sleep in your bed, I sleep in my own amazing bed. Am I making mountains out of molehills here?

J.E.S.S.

Welcome! in answer to your

Welcome! in answer to your question, absolutely not are you making a mountain out of a molehill. I think you are handling things perfectly and you need to stand your ground. Personally (as a bio mother of two adults) I would not put a child to sleep in an adult's bed, I would insist upon them sleeping in their own bed at this, or any age. A 3 yr old will try and rule the roost but only if the parent allows them to do this! Your fiance needs to get used to being firm - children actually want parents to be firm - it makes them feel safe. She should be sleeping in her own bad, is my opinion.

Thank you Kes!

You're so right. A few months ago things were really unpleasant in that household as the 3yo would play insane control games that would derail the entire evening. Thankfully when I started calling her on it & just sort of narrating the subliminal conversation that was occurring she has become way more happy & secure.

It’s hard to believe

That some of these stories are real. You let a 3 yo tell you to stop talking, let her sleep in your spot, where you have sex. And you think any of this is right ?? That you don’t have a Disney Dad on your hands. You are letting your BF pick his daughter over you.? Kids come first some of the time ? But adult GF come first Morse of the time

Disney Dad?

Never heard of the term but seems appropriate. I must find out more! He gives her more attention in a week than most will give in a month & days off are centered around her & what she wants to do because of tremendous guilt. Think I have been helping to give everyone involved permission to toughen up after PTSD from a custody battle. So no, she is not allowed to be rude or to tell anyone to stop talking anymore. I don't tolerate bad behavior and as her dad, uncle, and grandma see her respond to me & do things they were convinced she would never do (like eat something "spicy" & like it) everyone is getting over their weird idolization of kids & she is much happier! She goes to bed just fine in her own bed (which is 6 ft from his bed) so I'm not sure why he insists on laying her down on his bed to go to sleep & stays with her to fall asleep when she's been trained to use her own bed.

No, you're not making a

No, you're not making a mountain out of a molehill. I think your approach is perfect. The 3 year old has her own bed, and that's where she should be put to sleep. If you keep going back to your comfy bed, your BF should eventually figure this out.

And only 15 more years to go

Good thing you started correcting her now, you are in for a long haul.

Just wanted to say...

Country dancing is one of my passions! Anyway she & I now have a great relationship. It's mostly the way her Dad caters to her & gives her choices about everything that drives me nuts.

Man shortage?

Is he the last unmarried man with all his teeth in your county?

Read that whole thing back to yourself and imagine a friend telling it to you.This guy doesn't even have the resources to give his daughter her own space, what is he bringing to your relationship other than having to fight everyone for your place as his partner and splitting your time between him and your "real" life?

Well... the divorce did wipe

Well... the divorce did wipe him out financially & he's just now getting back on his feet. He is also planning to buy a house before we marry. As far as there being a man shortage, I live in California so yes there is.

Seriously though, he makes my life better in so many ways.

Can you name them?

Can you name them? I am not kidding. Make a list of the negatives and positives that he and his daughter, because you are stuck with her, bring to your life. Then go from there. Mini-wife is a real thing and it does not get better. Little girls grow into their power to wrap daddy around their finger and they like it. You might want to read up on it and read some more of the blogs.

I will make a list

I really appreciate your insight & will make that list. He really is amazing!

Your are still

In that new man fog, That you may not really see what’s going on. You must give it time. Please don’t get married until he gets a place of your own. SD gets her own room, you have your own bed room.

Then see what happens. As a test Make it clear that SD is not allowed in your bed room not allowed on your bed. Ect. And see it he sticks to these rules. Or makes excuses for her to be in your bed !!! You have time for all this to work out or not before getting married. Also remember that there are many ways where SD could be with full time. BM, can died, het sick, find new BF and move 1000 miles away. So SD can be there 24/7/365. Could you handle that ? PLEASE ready these boards!!!!

Everyone here went into marrage thinking it would work out and you were going to be a happy family Some SF do work, but they must put their SO before the kids. Nobody wants to hurt kids, putting SO before the Kids doesn’t hurt the kids.

Exactly- anything can happen

Exactly- anything can happen where he gets full custody---- something important doesn't even need to happen.

My ex fiancé daughter asked one time over ice cream on a Sunday afternoon if she could move in.

Next thing you know he's off talking to lawyers----- I had to either raise that kid full time or gtfo

Would love full custody

Because of family/ religious reasons we would never be able to live together before marriage unfortunately. We have talked extensively about the possibility of full custody & both of us would rather have her full time. Thankfully my fiance 100% backs me up when I'm there. But it's typically up to me to dictate & reinforce proper behavior. The problem is when I'm not physically present he'll start negotiating with her (which bed do you want to sleep in? ) instead of telling her what to do (get in your bed). I've been training him to tell her what to do with great success & when I'm around he's good at it but it doesn't come naturally.

Sorry

Just to clarify- because of religious reasons you can't put his address on your driver's license but you can spend the night in his bed and make rules around the house?

You have a long way to go

You have a long way to go before you consider walking down that wedding aisle.

The little one nee a room of her own. If you think getting her out of Dad's bed, six feet away, has been difficult, just wait until she has her own bedroom and she must go to bed by herself. Please read around for the bedtime nightmares on the site.

And GMa doing the daycare? Don't think you'll ever whip GMa into shape. When one gives the GMa too much parenting responsibilities, it's something something not given back easily. Your DF needs to seek real daycare outside of the home. For one the kid will learn to behave as her peers, how to share, take turns and how not to be the center of the sole attention. A pre-school part of the day would be great on top of the daycare.

An an extra roommate? What are the plan for the brother one you and your DF rent or buy your own home.

The situation and all the live-in kid help has been ok for the most part while Dad was wife/DF free and merely dating as well as having a very young child 50% of the time. But surely this isn't going to be how you desire your marriage to start off.

And don't forget that adorable little three year old who you treat like your own and love to pieces? She is going to get older. There will be times she behaves with an attitude the is well, not adorable at all. And no matter how much time and love you invest in this child, the day will come she will look you right in the eye and announce ' YOU are not my mother'.

So yeah, there will be molehills and there will be mountains. A kid sleeping in your bed isn't a molehill. Dad thinks nothing of it right now because she's three and she's his daughter. He's not going to look at some of this the way you do. But you are not wrong. The kid doesn't belong in the big bed when you are staying over. The kid doesn't even belong in the same bedroom when you are sleeping over. I would assume it cramps the sex life also.

She already has a 13yo attitude...

She already tries to get away with a 13yo attitude but both her dad & I are on her like wet paint when she does. I'm not really afraid of teenage attitude & sass (although maybe I should be). I have years of experience getting 1200 pound beasts with raging hormones who are trying to kill me (stallions with a big ego) to do what I want.

I've read up about DDs and I think much of his permissiveness has to do with his upbringing rather than lack of backbone. He can be very strict. He grew up living in a camper shell with his mom, brother, & completely disabled grandfather for much of childhood. As a teenager he was caretaker for the entire family & had overcome insurmountable odds to get where he is today. He became the perfect gentleman because he decided to later in life. It was not the family culture. The idea of house rules & structure was utterly foreign to him.

It would be great if grandma wasn't "parenting" but I'm not about to take that on full time & I'd rather DF save for a downpayment than pay for daycare. She is already in daycare when she's with her mother.

I don't know what's going to happen with the brother. He's looking into a job out of state but barring that I've made it clear we will not be sharing a house. That said we want property & he may live on the property which would actually help out a lot. Just the other day DF decided to renovate my horse's stall and his brother was more than happy to help. The brother is slightly better about getting things done. DF is absolutely brilliant but often lost in his own head.

I have also worked with horses

And as with horses, it’s best to get kids (step or no) started as you plan to go on.

But unlike horses, skids have somewhat more brain capacity, and opposable thumbs. Read around here for all the problems that caused.

Horses are way easier, and will never tell you you aren’t their Mom, crash the car, leave the doors unlocked when they sneak out at night, or break into your house to raid your liquor cabinet while you were out of town, and do things to risk any licensing you may have for your career. All things skids memtioned here on this site have done.

Take these comments on this site seriously. These folks have gone through a lot, and while we all like to think our situations are very different, and we are in love, and will make it through, the red flags more likely than not lead to very similar situations.

Twinsies!

While dealing with the skids and BM has not left me with a permanent numb spot in my back (hey, thanks half-broke mustang that I got for my 10th birthday!), I have found that dealing with studs and traumatized rehab horses is way more enjoyable.

Also, having dealt with the California family legal system, I can predict that the divorce isn't the only thing that's going to ride rough shod over your dearest fiancé.

I feel bad for you for your flippant attitude and letting heartfelt advice roll off your back. There is no relationship in this world worth the horrifying misery of being a second class step mom. Just browse through blog titles and see how many are just "please help". No craft, no humor- just desperate pleas from steps on the edge who started exactly where you are and rode that train all the way to rock bottom.

You sound lovely and like a

You sound lovely and like a total delight.

Actually you sound like I used to lol.

I ended up leaving my fiancé because I just couldn't take it anymore--- our wedding was supposed to be in less than 2 weeks now---I'm trying to pick up the pieces of my life and I feel a decade older. Though I feel free now.

Be careful and seriously listen to what people on this site say.

Thank you. I will start

Thank you. I will start involved & do some soul searching as well. I appreciate your sharing your experience... I was ready to walk away a few months ago but things seem to have really turned a page so we shall see.

I have a three year old daughter

She too says "Stop talking." She too tries to sleep in my bed and she is strong willed and smart. I don't let her get away with it. Her dad will cater to her. I don't. I have told him a hundred times "the world does not revolve around her and you do her a serious misjustice if you let her grow up thinking it does."

:)

That's what I do & every day dad seems to get a little tougher with her!

I read up about Disney Dads and that really doesn't seem to apply to my fiance. A lot of what's been going on has been due to his post-divorce financial situation & he's finally getting back on his feet. Also, he grew up a feral child & was raising her similarly because he didn't know any different.

Since there is no rush to

Since there is no rush to marry and your religious beliefs won't allow you to rush things, that gives you time to watch your man and see that he follows thru on his dreams. He needs to search out parenting books and knowledge given his feral upbringing. He will need to stand up to his mother (the feral mother sounds like) and take charge of being SD's parent. He seems to know you are too good to be true and will twist and turn in the wind to keep you hooked. Plenty of us around here have seen dad's looking for a replacement mom for their kid and once the get you to the altar, they change and dump it all on you. I can see him doing this as you have already typed that he follows YOUR lead. He needs to be a strong parent so you can follow HIS lead.

Keep reading the forums, check out the adult forum too, to get a peek at what it looks like when skids aren't parented and how it destroys a stepmom.

Keep holding to your boundaries about sleeping over. It seems to be holding him accountable to keep on that parenting path.

Also, don't think that you have a purpose to replace her mother. She has a mother, good or bad, and the sooner you sort that out , the better. So many stepmoms think they can do it better, when in reality they didn't need to go there.

Certainly don't rush into

Certainly don't rush into marrying this man. Despite your claims that you've 'trained' him and his daughter to an extent, human beings are not horses.

You do sound like a lot of women who come here (and if all in the garden is rosy no one would come to this site) and dare I say, a little naive.

I am sorry that your SO had such a troubled childhood- and these scars run very deep, and although SD is a sweetie at times like most 3 year olds, (otherwise we would kill 'em all lol!)- she is also going to need a lot of support as she gets older.

I'll be honest- the whole family sound like a whole bunch of damaged individuals.

I'll be more honest- you are not their saviour. All the problems that occured in this family happened long before you came on the scene and you will not be able to fix them.

You need to ask yourself what you expect to get for yourself out of all this before it is too late, and then wait a bit longer.

It may sound harsh, but I'm sure you understand that we have made mistakes we have come to regret- just a little warning before you step into the bear-pit that is steplife.

And what will you do with this brother?

This sounds like a lot to handle. LOOOOOOONG engagement!