Step parenting Discipline styles to the extreme Aggression vs Laid Back

I am new to step parenting and to blogging. I have a major concern with my new spouse and his discipline style. First, a little background. we got married september 2017 and dated since 2015. we both have the same wants from our childeren: we want them to be respectful, clean up after themselves, do what they are told. the usual stuff. but we have different ways of getting the kids to do those things. my spouse wants to muscle the kids into following the rules, in other words if they do not listen to me or him then he will make sure they learn to by physically making them. i am more laid back in my discipline technique. therefore, we are currently on the "Verge". most of the discipline problems arise because the kids (or let rephrase, my kids)..., oops i forgot to mention that he bings with him a 17 yo daughter and i bring with me 3 boys: 19, 17, 12. anyways, there have been three major events of aggression that have been shown to my boys from my spouse. now mind you his daughter has learned from 17 years of living with her dad to stay out of sight by being in your room, don't make noise, and don't make a mess in any public house areas like the kitchen, living room or dining room (so pretty much she stays in her room with the door shut, on her phone so as not to make any noise, and eats in her room. now my 3 boys need a pretty big learning curve because i have been divorced for 8 years, in which me and my boys have set our ways. the first incident of aggression was with my oldest son. my spouse go tired of him leaving his mess around the house so he pretty stormed into his bedroom, got in his face, yelled at him, and then the next morning when my son was gone, he took garbage and put it oll over bedroom floor. so that was the last straw for my son and he now stays away and lives with his dad when he is home from college. the Next incident involved my youngest son. one evening i was cooking dinner and trying to get him to clean his room. well he kept coming out of his room carrying one thing at a time to the garbage can, pretty much dilly-dallying. so I keep getting more and more angry with him, yelling at him. so my spouse, sitting in the living room this whole time, gets tired of listening to the tirade and takes it upon himself to march my son into his room to make him clean it. finally the third incident was with my middle son. he loves to play the video games. no problem right? well he has a gaming headset, but he likes to yell at his buddies through the headset. but he tends to do it all hours of the day and night. when i notice it enough that it bothers me i just go tell him to keep it down. but guess what. my spouse gets more annoyed with it than i do. so one day he feels that i am not doing anything aobut it and he takes matter into his own hands. he storms into my sons room, yanks the headphones off him, and yells at hiim, and takes the headphones. why would i allow this to happen, you say? this guy is a monster, you say? well these are the only 3 isolated incidents. and once the last one occurred i took the boys to their BD to stay until we can get this aggression worked out. do other people see this much attitude toward their kids from their step parent? i may think of things i would like to do, but to actually act on them, that's just not right. so now i am in the spot i never wanted to be in, I feel like i have to choose between my spouse or my boys. Currently i am working on keeping everyone, but this is difficult to navigate.

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I think your definition of

I think your definition of aggression is a lot looser than some. He sounds assertive. Your idea of laid back parenting borders on ineffective.

If you don't like how direct your DH is with your boys, the easy solution is to start effectively parenting them yourself.

Honestly...

I wish my SO would do what your DH does. I have been in these exact situations (but in your DH’s shoes), including the gaming headset, and have been silently screaming inside wishing he would take more control and be more assertive. SS12 is always yelling on his headset. He doesn’t stop when you tell him, or he does for 1 minute and then he’s back to it. In these cases, I feel you have to get more assertive or nothing will change. You shouldn’t have to tell kids to do something 50 times. Kids can get yelled at and really shown that an adult is serious. I agree, maybe you should be more assertive/serious so your DH doesn’t have to. I wish I could do what he has done!

I agree with beebeel up there ^^^^. Are you sure you aren’t just afraid to really put your foot down so your kids know you are serious and will actually stop these behaviors?

No yelling - no abuse

I don't believe in belittling or aggressive parenting. I do believe in being clear about rules and expectations and then following through on them. I'm a big believer in warnings - calm warnings - and then consequences.

For example: My SO has a new virtual reality headset - he's been playing with it with my son. My son of course wants to be on it every minute, but my SO also wants to be on it. My son started complaining about how he's not getting enough time and how it's not fair. Blah, blah, blah (actually it was plenty fair) and he's whining. It's annoying. I told him to stop. My SO told him to stop. Then my SO told him calmly that any more "It's not fair whining" and he will be finished playing on it. My son whines again. Ok, that's it - no more VR. To be honest, I probably would have given him a second chance, but I probably shouldn't have and I'm not cross with my SO about it at all.

My only complaint on this was that my SO didn't say he would just be banned for the night, but that he would be off the VR, he wasn't entirely clear - although I knew that's what he meant.. My son unfortunately took this as a complete ban forever. And we had some gentle explaining later that it was not forever, just for right then, because neither of us can stand the squabbling. We also said that when his sons come (later today) that they will be warned, too. And that if there are complaints or squabbling or lack of sharing that the VR would be taken away altogether and get locked up in my SO's office (he bought it for work, really).

It sounds to me like your husband is not in complete control of his emotions and that he has some anger problems. There is NO excuse for dumping garbage in a kid's bedroom. None. There is NO excuse for getting physically aggressive with a kid who is just being a kid or being annoying but not physically aggressive him/herself.

Now your kids were in the wrong by not respecting shared space or by the shouting on video games. But your spouse - as the adult - is more in the wrong being aggressive and yelling at the kids. There are other consequences that are more appropriate - such as calm removal of the headset or changing the wifi code or removal of other privileges until the room is cleaned up. Your DH is not teaching your kids how to be a man, but how to be a bully. He needs behavioural intervention.

You need to maybe enforce consquences a bit more, but you shouldn't have to feel that you are shielding your kids from your husband's outbursts.

I also believe that when you

I also believe that when you do lose your temper and yell or parent in a way that is beneath your own standards you should apologise. My son stomps when he's playing video games. Drives me nuts. I heard stomping the last time my SSs were here and I yelled - "stop stomping" because I was in bed and too lazy to get out of the bed to go and parent directly. Turns out I actually yelled at my SS who was stomping on the stairs. I apologised to him the next day. I said it was a problem that I was having with my DS who had been warned a bunch of times and that while I didn't want him stomping on the stairs, I certainly didn't mean to yell at him and wouldn't have yelled at him for a first offense anyway.

My SO goes apeshit about kids' hands or feet on other kids' faces and necks. That's his thing he loses control over. Now my DS has seen this now and doesn't do it so much (in front of my SO) but his kids keep on doing it - and he lost it with his older son one day and really went off on him. But he apologised later - not for disciplining him - that's his right and responsibility as a father - but for doing so in an out-of-control manner. And this was just stern talking, no name calling, no character assasination and certainly nothing physical.

"No excuse" for dumping

"No excuse" for dumping garbage on the kid's floor? Seriously? I have seen dozens of women brag about collecting all of the shit their skids leave laying about and dumping it in their rooms. But if a man does the same thing it is "aggressive." Guess what? That is PASSIVE aggressive and a method often advised for women to use to teach life lessons. If the kid left the garbage all over the house, and it is an ongoing problem, seems the SF has reason to have "anger issues."

And no, she shouldn't be sheilding her kids from her husband's "outbursts" of parenting. She should be taking a cue that his way is far more effective than hers.

I don't care about the gender

I don't care about the gender! If a SM is bragging about it, I sure wouldn't congratulate that. I just don't think that you answer bad behaviour with more bad behaviour. Anyway there is a big difference between gathering up items that don't belong in a shared space and leaving them in a kid's room or by the door and dumping garbage on a kid's bed and bedroom floor - which is how I read what was happening in this situation.

And passive aggressive isn't generally seen as a particularly good way of dealing with humans. I don't know who is advising people to do that, but it's not so good.

I'm not a passive aggressive

I'm not a passive aggressive fan, either, but it does seem to work with Disney parents who get defensive to the point of insanity when direct methods are used.

DH grabs his kids. That’s

DH grabs his kids. That’s where they get their aggression from. Living with them was like living in a war zone. He wouldn’t dare touch me or SD.

thanks for all the feedback!

thanks for all the feedback! we both need to work on our parenting. i dont mind assertiveness but i dont see how it is OK to put your hands on a kid when they are not being aggressive in any way. just because they have done something to piss you off doesn't mean you get free reign to do what you want to them. plus, if i am physically trying to stop my spouse from putting his hands on my kids and he pushes me off of him, then clearly he is ignoring my input. my kids have never been aggressive to him or me or each other. they just don't follow every rule to a T, like any kid, and need reminders. but not reminders that leave marks.