He's Doing Everything Right So Why Do I Still Feel This Way?
DH and I have been married for 3 1/2 years, together for almost seven. We have had a lot of nasty "step-related" issues mostly caused by BM, in-laws, SK's and his inability to think of anyone but himself.
So much had gone wrong pretty much starting the minute we got engaged until about a year ago. Just to give you an idea:
His parents treated me like crap and spent all holidays with BM behind our back, he forced me to leave my own home because BM wanted to talk and didnt want me there, he has lied and hid things about BM (all of which came out when she took us to court a month after we wed). He promised counseling then bails when it came time, constantly chose the kids over our relationship, refused to discipline them, the list goes on and on.
My problem now is that for the past year he has done almost everything right, we dont have as many issues with BM, etc. but I'm still sooooooo angry. I think about all of the nasty things that have happened all the time. Im still mad at him, BM and SK's and hate them for what they have done....even the things that happened years ago. I feel like they have taken so much from me and Im not the same person I was. Is there any way to get past all of this?
- CrystalRE's blog
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It's hard! I'm seeing a
It's hard! I'm seeing a therapist right now pretty much for alot of the reasons you have stated. I have a hard time forgiving and forgetting. BMs and Skids have not been to terrible in the past year or so, but boy did those bitches make my life hell when DH and I first started dating and skids pulled their share of nonsense as well. I have gotten to the point where their mere existance is annoying to me and I truly DON'T want to be that person so I have taken the steps to try and "retrain my brain" or something! I just realized that it is not something I can fix on my own, ALOT of damage has been done and I am cursed with the brain of an elephant.. I don't forget anything and all of those injustices of years ago are still very fresh and very real to me.
My DH is the opposite, he can barely remember yesterday, so he just rolls with it and therefore can not understand what the heck my problem is.
Hope you can figure it out... hope I can figure it out too!! It's not going be easy, I know THAT much for sure!
You need to let go of these
You need to let go of these things or you can't move forward. You are holding yourself back by dwelling. This holds true in any relationship matter. Do you feel one of them owes you something? Do you feel someone owes you an apology? Those things may NEVER happen. If he is doing good and has made changes to help your relationship that is a reward in itself. If he is indeed the man you want and changes have been made and all is well --- then you need to let go of the past. Are you "waiting" for him to mess up again? For BM, the in-laws or skids to do something? Let go. Live life. Be happy -- FOR YOU!
^^Very Good Advice!^^
^^Very Good Advice!^^
We made the decision to go to
We made the decision to go to marriage counseling. When we got there DH basically told the therapist that the problems were with me, that Im the one that needed therapy. He would come along by the focus needs to be on me. THEN I caught him meeting up with BM behind my back and lying about it. Now, you tell me who the problem is. Since then I have not even considered going back to therapy.
Cowgirl---that is what Im wondering. Do I still want to be with him? I dont have a good answer for that. I love him a lot but not like I did before I found out who he really was. We got married in May and before the 1st of September he was someone I barely knew.
But if he's doing everything
But if he's doing everything right (as your blog says) -- you need to let go. Your only other option is to leave your situation. I totally feel you. I have been doing this very same thing for 3 1/2 yrs. My best friend would tell me i needed to let go. I finally did. There were little things that i would shake my head at but would still try and my BF had made some changes that led me to stay around. In April this year, my BF decided it was ok to go out to dinner with BM & the skids which is a HUGE no no for me. We had talked about boundaries & all kinds of stuff for a good 2 years. I don't hold back on my feelings and am very open about my tolerance for things. I have decided to leave the relationship. It is SOOOOOO hard. I have stayed because BF got laid off. Just last night i told BF i am starting to look for somewhere else to live ... it is killing me emotionally to stay. I know in the long run ... i will be better off, but at the moment it is hard.
Going to a counselor for YOU is a great idea. Don't let your DH leave a bad taste in your mouth in re to counseling. Go for YOU. Don't invite him. You need to do what is best for you.
You give good advice,
You give good advice, Cowgirl.
He is doing everything right but I think that knowing what he was capable of makes me feel like he is faking it or pacifying me.
Thanks! Trust is a huge
Thanks! Trust is a huge thing. I know that my BF is trustworthy in that he doesn't want to be with BM in any aspect, but the issues of (what i feel) disrespect to our relationship, no regard for my feelings, etc .... leaves me NOT trusting my BF (with my heart) and makes for a lack of security & feeling safe in our relationship ... then that bleeds off into all other aspects of our relationship. I can't be in a relationship feeling this way -- no matter how much i love him.
That is EXACTLY how I feel!
That is EXACTLY how I feel! Im not afraid that there is or ever will be anything going on its just that he has thrown me aside and disrespected me so many times that its hard for me to believe he really cares about me regardless of how hes acting now! You have helped so much...thank you.
You are welcome hun!!!
You are welcome hun!!! *Hugs*
I've felt just like you
I've felt just like you Crystal, and I've seen a therapist to try and sort my feelings out but I can't get past it. I think with a lot of women we try and deal with things until we reach this threshold and something just snaps. That is what happened with me with my exbf and also with my ex husband. I think being made second, being asked to accept unacceptable situations, not feeling like I was in a real relationship...all these things eroded my feelings for my bf and I wasn't able to get them back. I also think that someone's actions represent who they are as a person, and it does make me wonder about whether he really is the right person.
We're not together but it hurts still...I hope you can find a way through this. Can you try and go away or somehow start fresh? Maybe you just need some time? I sure hope you are able to find your way back, if that is what you want. Best of luck to you.
Thanks, Alex. I'm not sure
Thanks, Alex. I'm not sure if I can or not. I know that I've tried and haven't had much luck so far. I feel like I am happier and more productive he isn't around but I cant deny that there was a time when he was everything to me. I would like to get that back if at all possible but I'm just afraid it isn't possible.