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I had no idea Father's Day weekend would produce this

stormabruin's picture

So, our weekend was anything but drama-free. At work, Friday, DH's boss made a comment about DH's daughter to the guy in charge of the site...the guy DH's company works for. Because the job took so long & had so many problems, he told DH's boss, "You owe me & I need payment in the form of a piece of ass. You owe me a night with your daughter". DH's boss (not knowing DH was standing behind him) says, "I've got 2 sons but I don't have a daughter...but DH does. You can have her. It's his fault all this took so long anyway. For that, I'll give you 2 nights with her". DH said he felt a sharp pain in every bone & then his whole body went numb. He said he wanted to hit him, just one time, but knew that even if he hit the ground he wouldn't have been able to stop. He'd have gone to the ground with him & beat the life out of him. He said, "I'd have killed the man, Storm. I'd have been in jail & spent my life in prison if I'd taken that one swing". Men are crude, but with the situation being what it is with SD, & her being 14 years old, it really hit a painful nerve for DH & the comment was completely inappropriate. So DH's boss doesn't have a daughter. If he wanted to go on with the joke, why not offer his wife? Why pull someone completely uninvolved & their child into it??? He struggled all weekend feeling guilty for not speaking up. Of course, what would it have done for SD to have her dad in jail without a job? He couldn't pay his support. She doesn't know anything was said & doesn't need to.

SS called Friday & asked if DH could come by himself to pick him up. He said there was something he wanted to talk to him about. They stopped to eat & talked for almost 3 hours. SS wanted to tell him he's been smoking pot for about 3 months now. He smokes with the only friend he has & has known him since before he started "homeschooling". I pointed out to DH that this kid is the only point of contact on a "friend" level because SS hasn't been in school for 2 years. He hasn't been exposed to anybody else. This kid has his own car & can come get SS & get him away from BM & that house she keeps them holed up in.

Saturday morning, I was up washing dishes & getting the kitchen ready to make some breakfast. SS came in around 9:30am looking for something to eat. He opened the freezer & saw my vodka in there. He said, "Oh! Absolut! I've never tried that before. I've only ever has Skyy. Can I have a shot?" I said, "SS, it's 9:30 in the morning. You're 17 years old. None of that makes me think it's a good idea to say yes." He said, (laughing) "But you're not saying no?". Me, "Yes...I'm saying no". I went downstairs to change the laundry & heard him pull the shot glass (not a single, but a double) out of the cabinet & took a shot. I came back upstairs & he started laughing, poured another double & threw it back like it was nothing. No mixer. No chaser. Just straight vodka. There was another shot & 1/2 or so left in the bottle, so I picked the bottle up & dumped the rest down the drain.

I told him he needed to go get his dad up & talk to him. He said he wasn't going to, I woke DH up & said, "It's 9:30 Saturday morning & your 17-year old son has tossed back 4 shots of my vodka. You need to talk to him."

DH got up & asked what was going on, & I looked at SS & said, "SS, why don't you tell your dad what you've put in your stomach so far this morning?" SS laughed & told him. I told SS he owed me some money.

SS: For what?
Me: for the 4 shots you took of MY vodka.
SS: How much? I'll give you a dollar.
Me: At a bar, you'd pay $5 for a shot of vodka. I guess that means you'll give me $20.
DH: Son, sounds like you owe Storm $20 & an apology.
SS: (Laughing) I'm gonna tell my mom you took my money
Me: That's cool. When she calls to bitch at me for taking your money, I'll tell her why.
DH: SS, put some clothes on. We're going for a drive. Storm, we'll be back in just a little bit.

They were gone for about an hour. SS came & found me & handed me a $20 bill & apologized for drinking my vodka without permission.

I thanked him for the apology & took the money & then explained that the money wasn't my main concern. I explained that every action has a consequence. When he chose to drink my vodka, there was the consequence of paying me for it. I told him my main concern is the fact that at 9:30 on a Saturday morning, at 17 years old, he was so determined to put alcohol in his body before he even ate a bite of breakfast. That's NOT okay. Alcoholics drink from sun-up to sun-down, & that was the mold he was making for himself. We talked about him drinking with his friend. He said BM bought him & his friend the bottle of Skyy. They took a few shots & then took it with them when they left the house to go to a party.

Me: So, you & your friend were riding around with an open container in the car?
SS: Yeah, but he wasn't drinking it while he was driving.
Me: Do you realize that if he'd gotten pulled over just for a light being out or something that you guys could've gone to jail for having an open container?
SS: No.
Me: You need to focus less on drinking & smoking pot & study your Driver's Manual. Read up on the laws & educate yourself. Did you know that even if you don't get in a wreck; even if you don't end up killing someone on the road; even if you don't accidently shoot a friend & kill them; even if you don't fall over a deck railing & fall stories to the ground to your death when you're drinking...even if you're just sitting in front of a TV one night drinking alcohol it can kill you?
SS: It can?
Me: Read about alcohol poisoning SS. Throwing back shot-after-shot the way you did this morning...THAT CAN KILL YOU. Kids die at parties trying to out-drink each other. They put too much alcohol into their bodies & it actually poisons your system & can KILL you. THAT is my main concern. You want to indulge in the freedoms of being an adult, which you are not yet, but seem to neglect ANY of the responsibilities of being an adult.

DH came into the room where we were talking & asked if everything was okay. SS said yes. DH asked if he paid me for the vodka & I said yes. He asked me if SS apologized & I said yes.

We went on with the day. I felt like a lot of what was said hit home with him. At least it made him aware of a few things he didn't know & gave him some things to think about.

Him & DH spent most of the day playing ps3. I got a lot of housework done.

Sunday, we went to DH's sister's. She made pot roast, mac & cheese, & a bunch of other stuff for Father's Day.

At some point during our time there, SS asked DH if he could take him back, just the 2 of them so they could talk some more. That was fine. They dropped me off at the new Walmart & went on their way. I called DH's phone 30 minutes after he was supposed to have met BM to find out where he was. No answer. I called again 15 minutes later. No answer. I was getting pissed. I'd been walking Walmart for over an hour. He finally called me back about 20 minutes after the last time I called & said he was about 15 minutes away.

When he picked me up I asked if everything was okay with SS. He just shook his head & I saw the tears coming up in his eyes. SS told him he's been taking pills (Way to go pill-head BM!) & having sex with different girls at these parties. His girlfried moved to Californina 6 months ago. She was his first. He can't get over her. He thought if he had sex with some other girls it'd help him move on. He said he feels like he's stuck & can't move forward from her. DH explained the dangers & risks of random sex, the damage it can do mentally to both SS & these girls he's USING & DH talked to him about using protection...even if she says she's on BC, he needs to wear a condom, not just to prevent pregnancy but to protect himself from STD's. He's been eating Vicodin & Loritabs for about 3 months. He started that when he started smoking pot.

He told DH he's pissed off at him for what he's done to BM & he's pissed off at BM for the way she's treated DH & the things she says about him. He's pissed off at BM's mom because of the things she says about DH. He's pissed off at BM because she doesn't do anything & expects him to do everything. He's still convinced that DH beat BM when they were together, & once again, DH made it clear that there was no physical violence between them.

DH talked to SS & BM both about wanting to go back to counseling...all of them, to try to help the kids find a way to cope with all of these issues & repair relationships. They're leaving for the beach this weekend & will be back the following weekend. BM said when they get back she'll try to find someone. My thing is, why wait? They're not leaving for another week. Why not have something set up so they can start when they get back instead of putting it all off for another week? She said she'll have to find someone closer to us because she doesn't "like any of the counselors in their area. That's fine for us. It'll be closer to DH. The problem, though, is that she'll never find a counselor she likes, because at some point, they'll all end up telling her she's screwed up. She'll pull the kids & have to start all over with another one. We've been through this.

I told DH, if nothing else, we'll get him into counseling on our insurance & the kids can go with him. That way, BM won't have a say in it. Of course, she can still pull SD, but DH & SS can still get some things resolved. SS needs help. I sobbed the whole way home. I feel so helpless. They're not my kids, but I feel so bad for them. I cried last night to the point where my eyelids were swollen this morning with tears. I'm so fucking pissed off at BM. I told DH, again, that I hate her with a passion & wish she would just die. He said, "Honey don't say that. Don't let her make you feel that way." I don't know how he can be so calm about it. Of course, he was dealing with BM & her family for years longer than I have. I know he's hurt & I know he's angry, but he stays so calm. I don't have that in me. I hate her for letting her need to hurt DH be greater than her need to be a mother to her children. My head is killing me, but I had to come to work because BM's mom is coming today to pick up SS's birth certificate & Social Security card. She let us borrow her copies to take him to the DMV Saturday. He failed his learner's test.

He hadn't signed his SS card, so DH made him sign it at the DMV. It took lie...every bit of 3 minutes to put his "signature" on that thing. He can't hardly write. He was so careful in writing his name in cursive. It wasn't a signature. It was very precise cursive. He was concentrating so hard on forming his letters, & he doesn't know how to spell his middle name. Granted, his middle name is more than 5 letters long, but it's been his middle name for 18 FUCKING YEARS!

Before this weekend we felt like things were really moving forward & progressing & all this time SS has felt trapped & I feel like with him coming out with these confessions he's begging for someone to guide him. DH feels like a failure & like he hasn't been there for his kids. I think it speaks volumes in his favor that it didn't take him finding something or hearing about something & then having to approach his son & ask him questions to get the information. I think it really says a lot for their relationship that SS will call DH & ask for an opportunity for them to talk about these things. I think he knows that DH has the ability to BE A PARENT & give him the guidance & structure that BM F.A.I.L.S. to provide.

Finally, with having finished the job at the site he's been at, DH called his boss this morning to find out where he needed to be today. His reply... "No where". He's laid off for the 2nd time in 2 months.

While my job isn't enough to pay our bills his job, right now, is the least of my concerns. I feel overloaded. I just keep thinking SS has had all of this on his shoulders & weighing on his mind for months. I hate it. I HATE that bitch for making EVERYTHING more important than her children. I HATE her for always giving everything SHE wants priority over what her children need.

I guess I'm glad SS was here for the weekend. There was a lot of communication that needed to happen. As for SD, no word from her. She didn't come with BM for drop-off or pick-up. She couldn't bring herself to call DH to say, "Happy Father's Day dad". BM's excuse for her...she has a sore throat. Really? She posted updates all through the day Sunday about going tanning with her friend & going to the lake. I guess making a phone call would've just pushed it over the edge. :sick:

I know this is long. This weekend has felt like 3 weeks & I've never felt so much relief for one to end. I just really needed to get this off my chest.


doll faced sm's picture

Oh wow. *hugs* from afar. I'm so sorry you and your husband had to learn all this and go through all this this past weekend. I agree, though, that it is a good sign that SS feel comfortable in confiding in DH. Good luck to you and your family.

stormabruin's picture

I did ask SS how he felt about going back to school this fall. I asked if he was excited or nervous. He said neither. He doesn't seem to struggle with reading. His vocabulary is fine. That's why I was stunned watching him try to write his fucking name!

Both kids are going back to public school this year. SD is going in a year behind.

We would be open to taking custody back, however, their judge has already determined that they are old enough to choose where they want to be. At this point, as far as SS is concerned, he'll be an adult in a month. I don't guess we'd even get a hearing date before then. We are hoping to get DH into counseling with both of them to see if they can't get to the source of their issues & find a way to resolve things for them so that they can heal & find some relief.

DH has mentioned contacting CPS. However, with 2 courses of anger management on his record & the existing order for supervised visitation, his concern is that the kids would be pulled from both homes. I'm not sure what would happen.

My head is numb today. I guess, like everything else, we'll tackle things one at a time & know that tomorrow is a new day & continue trying to progress.

WickednNasty's picture

Storm......ummm First and foremost....I'm sending you huge hugs.

I think the point you fail to see regarding your SS knows he's doing things that don't meet your approval.

I imagine it's rather difficult at the moment, but try to look at it that he's looking to you and Dh for HELP from the only place he knows he can recieve it.

Your question regarding CPS it's worth a shot but considering their ages chances are slim to non regarding the fact that they'd do anything.

As far as DH not having to report to the job site. I'd chalk that up as a favor, I can't imagine him not saying to doing anything after the hell of a weekend he's been dealt.

I'm in no way making excuses for your SS, but dealing with PAS is very difficult for the children and I'd imagine this is the one and only way he found to cope. It isn't the right way, but it was an escape non the less he now knows and he's looking for assistance.

Hang in there and be strong. You will find a way to make it thru these difficult times.

stormabruin's picture

"try to look at it that he's looking to you and Dh for HELP from the only place he knows he can recieve it. "
That's what I told DH on our way home last night. He feels like a failure because he hasn't been there for his kids. Now, if he hadn't made any effort to be there for his kids & simply written them off, I could see that as a failure. The fact is, though, he fought until there was nothing left. He fought until the court took away his fight. He's BEGGED for the opportunity to be there for them.

What 17-year old requests an opportunity to confess drug use, promiscuous sex, & alcohol use? Only one who is desparate for guidance. He'll be 18 in a adult, & I feel like he's reaching out for help. He knows DH will PARENT. I really feel like it says a lot for DH that despite the alienation, the lack of contact, the ugliness that's eaten away their relationship...he trusts him & has enough confidence in DH to know that he can find help with him.

I can't imagine how confusing it has to be for him, having to learn to be responsible. At 39 years old, his mother hasn't figured it out. With DH out of the picture, he hasn't had that example to learn from.

Thank you so much for your support. Smile

You know, you always hear people talking about the "terrible twos". You don't often hear about the "terrible teens". I can take a 2-year old any day. LOL!

stormabruin's picture

I do feel like I could sleep for days. I just noticed that at some point this morning SD "unfriended" me on FB. I'm not really bothered by it right now. I don't understand it, as I've had no contact with her since BM blew up her FB page in retaliation for every comment & "like" I contributed, but I'm not bothered by it.

I'm not sure what issues SD has with me. BM keeps telling me SD really likes me & respects me. I guess her problem is in the alienation. BM doesn't like me, so she doesn't either. Whatever.

Until she's ready to separate herself from BM...not necessarily physically (though it wouldn't hurt), but mentally...until she decides she's ready to become her own person & develop her own mind & speak on her own behalf, she's a fickle a FB friend as BM would be.

BM is out for blood now that DH & SS are getting along okay, so I guess SD is "rampaging" too. How grown up of her. :sick:

I would love for DH & SS to be able to do counseling w/o BM. However, it's their insurance (Medicaid) that's paying for it, so it's BM setting it up. I guess it'll be done however she wants it done. With DH out of work, we really can't pay for it under our insurance, but if we have to, we'll find a way.

I'd love to get SD in on it as well, but like I said, it won't help if she doesn't want it to, & if BM doesn't want it to, SD doesn't want it to.

Your DH company sent a mass email to let the employees know that they MAY get laid off??? WTF??? What's someone supposed to do with that?

I'll be quite honest here & say that knowing BM gets $300/week in foodstamps, & free health insurance, & she doesn't have to get up everyday to go to a job, I'm half tempted to follow suit. I get so tired of working my ass off to be handed a piddly paycheck twice a month that isn't even enough to cover my own expenses, muchless be able to put anything back or pay on my debt. Hell, I struggle to put gas in my car to get me to & from my job. I can't go back to school because I have to work. BM doesn't do anything & has it made. She wears name brands, goes to the tanning bed 3-4 times a week. Her & the kids spend the day at the lake EVERY.FREAKING.DAY!

It's so tempting to just quit & hit the state up to pay my way. The only thing that keeps me doing it is...drumroll please...ethics. My conscience won't let me expect everyone else to carry me. Man...I hate a conscience. Smile

stormabruin's picture

"If you need help with conscience, I can help keep that jerk in check."
That made me laugh. Thank you! Biggrin

I'd love to go back to school. I wasn't cut out for a desk job. I wasn't cut out for retail. I'm not sure exactly what I WAS cut out for, but it's something I haven't done yet. LOL! Of course, anymore a degree doesn't give one any more stability in a job than someone who doesn't have a degree but will certainly leave one deeper in debt. I feel quite certain I could qualify for some grant money. I'm just not sure how much. For some reason the idea is both exciting & terrifying to me.

BM told DH a couple of months ago that she's in school & will have her Physical Therapy degree in 6 more months. Unreal. Being a 6-year degree, I'm no genius & I don't have a college eduacation, but I'm pretty certain you have to register & go to class to graduate.

As though people in every industry aren't already concerned with the job market & unemployment. What do they figure they're accomplishing in sending out such a wishy-washy email? Anyone fortunate enough to have a job is already well aware that they may or may not have one come tomorrow. Bunch of asses.

Anon2009's picture

Hi Storm,

First off, what an inappropriate thing this guy said about DH's daughter. I admire the restraint your DH showed. I would have wound up in jail.

Also, I think the PAS is really coming into full play with SD. That, and being a teenager. I think that often, a lot of these PAS-ed teens know deep down that the PAS-ing parent isn't a saint, and know that what they (the teens) are doing is wrong (i.e. not acknowledging Fathers Day), but their hormones and emotions take over and therefore, they quite often don't do the right thing.

I put all of the blame on BM. It is her job as a parent to recognize that her daughter needs tons of help. It's her job to know that bashing DH to SD is not healthy for SD.

I will keep DH and your SD in my prayers. I hope & pray that SD can get out of her mom's grip and realize that her Dad isn't perfect, but he will always love her very deeply.

stormabruin's picture

DH has been through court-ordered anger management twice thanks to BM & SS. I'm guessing the thought of having to do it a 3rd time helped him reason. LOL!

I forget, sometimes, to consider the hormones & all. Even with that, I find it hard to accept that as an excuse. At 14 years old, I wouldn't have dreamt of behaving the way DH's kids have. I have to remind myself often that they didn't have the parenting I had either. They haven't had the examples I had.

I appreciate you keeping them in your prayers. I pray daily for our situation to get better. I guess really, looking at the big picture of life, the cycle is never really complete. There will always be setbacks & there will always be room for improvement.